Prologue: Some days I can't even trust myself.
Campbell felt his lips quivering as he paced in front of the green house, hands clenched in fists at his side. Tears slipped down his face, pausing at the base of his jaw before falling. His mind was spiraling out of control, but it was a familiar feeling for him. This sense of insanity was not uncommon for him, and sometimes – most times – Cam felt like that dark part of his mind was going to take over.
Today would be that day, because he was just giving up.
He had been pacing in front of the green house for half an hour, looking around and then looking into the small shed-like building. It had been that long since his encounter with Zig, when the younger boy had given Cam a sad dose of reality… "You're a psycho." Could he really be mad at the words? Zig was right. Cam wasn't okay, he could never be okay, or at least that's what it felt like. No, Cam wasn't mad at Zig anymore. All of his emotions were focused on the pure hatred that burned inside for his own self, which bubbled up and threatened to consume him altogether. The only other emotions he could identify through the contempt for himself were guilt and fear, both reserved for the only people who meant anything to him: his family, Maya.
It was like the perfect blonde knew that she was needed. Cam's phone vibrated his pocket. He loosened his hands and clenched his jaw, slowly pulling out his phone and unlocking it. Where are you cheesy– the text itself was strung together, like she had just typed it out in a hurry, probably in between looking around the schoolyard for him. Cam tried to laugh, but he choked – another feeling familiar to him. His chest tightened with a deep ache in the center, tugging right at his heart. He was going to let her down again, like he had done before when he couldn't kiss her, when he couldn't express how much she meant to him, when he couldn't control his jealousy and the anger that swelled inside. In those seconds that he stared down at the message, he re-thought everything. He swore it – swore that he really did consider going to her and embracing her and forgetting it all for another day…
But Cam wasn't right in the head. He hadn't been for a long time. And he couldn't ask Maya to burden that.
I'm not coming. Sorry. It's over.
If a heart really could break, Cam's did at that moment. He choked again, catching a whimper in his throat and fighting it back. He fought the urge to walk out from behind the shadow of the greenhouse, to look out and find Maya with his eyes, to watch for her reaction to his text. She wouldn't know what it truly meant. To her it was their relationship; to him it was his life. Maybe she would cry when she read his message. His heart ached. He looked up at the sky for one last time, silently asking God that if he could, please help him. He didn't get a reply – maybe he didn't wait long enough, because the next thing he knew, Cam was standing in the greenhouse with an ice skate in hand.
The blade on his skate glistened brighter than it had before, although he had never really stopped to stare at the skate's shine. He rolled up the sleeves on his hoodie to reveal his arms' flesh, but all he could do after that was stare at the sharp edges. He turned the skate back and forth in his hands for a minute, eventually lowering himself to sit on a crate. With his elbows rested against his knees, he stared at the blade like he was staring at a question, but the more he questioned his decision, the more he realized that this wasn't a choice. His life had never been a choice, it had been a burden. Was he selfish to have ever expected anyone to carry his weight? Was he selfish to expect everyone to pick up the pieces? By the time he was finished processing these thoughts, Cam's face was streaming with tears again.
Quietly and effortlessly, Campbell pressed the pointed edge of the blade at the top of his wrist and dragged the blade. He repeated this multiple times, each of the horizontal lines long and deep. As he moved up his arm, cutting deep into his skin, the lines changed. They became more jagged, more angry, and Cam lost himself. He gripped the base of his skate and started hacking into his arm, puncturing wounds into his flesh and finally crying out. Cam coughed and clenched his lips shut, finally stopping to stare at the mess he had made: lines and lines of pouring blood at the top of his arm met by broken stabs of anger closer to the bend of his elbow. His entire arm was red. The ground around him was flushed with crimson, and in the quickness of his sorrow, he had splattered blood on his face.
Everything began to spin all at once. Cam's head became light and his heart raced as he dropped the skate from his bloody hand, unable to begin work on his other arm. His entire body began to shake with each broken sob, no more tears falling but his body trembling beneath the weight of what he had just done. What he felt inside wasn't regret, but it wasn't relief either. It was simple failure. He had fought this entire time just to bleed out in a place that wasn't his home, a place so far away from his home – his family.
His family. They were going to be so upset. He wanted to hug his mom one last time, tell his siblings not to give up, ask his dad to not to be disappointed. For a minute he regretted not calling his family before he had made this decision, but in his weakening state he decided that it was better this way. They wouldn't be haunted with their words being the last thing he heard.
Campbell slid off of the crate and uneasily fell to the floor, unable to focus on anything but what was going on in his mind because of the sinking physical pain all around him. The cuts and gashes on his arms stung with a vibrant resonance, but he also felt sick, drained. His physical state finally matched his mental state. Is this what's it like to die? Some kind of calm was starting to surround him, but he didn't know if it was the end of his life coming or just the blood he kept losing. He leaned his head against the farthest wall in the green house, staring up at the ceiling and what small piece of sky he could see.
He could hear Maya's laughter even though he knew she wasn't really there. Almost smiling, he closed his eyes and let everything become nothing.
author's note: I'm in love with Cam, so that was hard to write, but I hope you enjoyed. I know it may not seem like a lot, but that was just the introduction I felt needed to happen to get things going. Cam is alive in this. I just really felt like I needed to write what could have happened if he had made it. Leave me a review so I know if it's enjoyed!