A/N: This is just a 'lil one shot for Stardust98's birthday! It's so late and I know I'm a terrible human being but a lot of stuff happened, including the fact that my sister was in hospital... ^^; but anyway! Happy Birthday Stardust, you're an amazing writer and super awesome person! I hope you have the best 2014 ever because you deserve it! :)
This is a sort of soliloquy from Romano, talking about his time with Spain and what it's really like to be a nation in a world were power is the ultimate goal and everyone is your enemy. It may be slightly inspired by 'The Prince', but I think Romano's quite Machiavellian anyway... ^^;
I don't remember much of my childhood. I mean, there wasn't really anything worth remembering; I had no friends and the one person who cared about me was never around. Mornings collapsed into evenings and days into nights, each hour passing and fading into a distant memory that, after many years, escaped my mind. I do remember the house though. But perhaps it was more of a manor, with its golden lined furnishings and paintings from lands far away. There were plush cushions that seemed too fine to recline on, and huge doorways that the man, Spain, always wanted open. It was strange- every time one turned a corner, one would see a large rectangle of a light that, after giving the eyes enough time to adjust, would fade into clarity, revealing the dusty walkway and a maze of vineyard bushes. Looking back, it doesn't surprise me that he would have wanted the house to be so open, so at one with nature. He didn't really like darkness; and who could blame him? The man spent months in a tiny sea cabin with nothing but his own conscience to entertain him. And what a conscience he had...
I like to think he prayed on his long boat journeys. I like to think that he thought of me, worried about me, smiled while remembering my face. It made me happy to imagine such things because the reality of ourselves was much worse. I was a difficult child. God knows, I still am. But you can forgive a boy his ignorance, can't you? After all, I never did understand that he did it for me. Now I know that, I wish it could have been different. Hell... I wish he could have done it for himself! He only ever thought about what other's wanted and never his own needs. I don't think he minded the pain, so long as he could see that his empire was safe. The hardest thing I ever had to do was leave him. I wish I could speak to him and tend to his wounds like I always used to but those days are over. I chose to shut the door for good, I can't start afresh. The hourglass has been broken; the grains of sand will only fall through your fingers.
These days I barely sleep. I'm scared that if I do, I'll dream of the past and allow myself to regret what I've done. We all have to do unspeakable things to survive- I know that, but learning to live with the guilt is harder. When you kill the things you love, you let a monster out of its cage. You let it roam the depths of your mind, imagining, scheming. And now that I've left the ignorance of childhood behind me, I can see my opponents for the first time. I've broken away from the man who shielded me from evil things, and now I am in the thick of it. I'm just another player in the game and I can trust only myself. So I will go on, sword in one hand, flag in the other until my end arrives.