Summary: This is a bizarre Pokémon story I came up with. CAUTION: This story is extremely silly and ridiculous and somewhat violent. Only read if you are in a funny mood! One-shot.
A/N: This is my second fic. It's a one-shot, but it's really long! PREPARE TO LAUGH!!!
Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon or anything like that so don't sue me!
Rating: PG
The Hawaiian Tournament
By The Devizzal
It was the 1st annual Main-Character Reunion. Ash, Misty, Brock, May, Max, and David were gathered on the beach for the party.
"Hi everyone." said David. "I'm David."
"Hi, David!" everyone chanted.
"Man, why am I here? I don't even like this show." he asked and then walked away. "I wanted to be on According to Jim!"
"Hey, Ash." Misty said. "Why isn't Tracy here?"
"Well, nobody really likes him and we didn't invite him."
May came up to Misty. "Hi!" she said. "I'm May. I've been traveling with Ash for a long time. I probably know him more than anybody else. Who are you?"
Misty got really mad. "I'M MISTY! I WAS TRAVELING WITH ASH LONG BEFORE YOU WERE AND KNOW HIM MORE THAN HIS MOTHER DOES!"
"HEY! NOBODY KNOWS ASH MORE THAN ME!"
"WELL, I DO!!! I LOVE HIM!"
"SO DO I!"
They began fighting with each other. Eventually, Misty ended up buried in the sand close to the tide and May ended up with her arms and legs tied together behind her with her bandana.
Brock said, "I wish girls would fight over me like that." He turned to Ash. "We should let out our Pokémon; they should be able to have fun too!"
After their Pokémon were released, Max came up to Ash. "I'm gonna play with Pikachu!"
"NO!" Ash screamed in his face. "YOUR GONNA LEAVE PIKACHU ALONE AND ME ALONE! NOBODY LIKES YOU!."
Max went to go play with Pikachu anyway. Fortunately, Pikachu sent 900,000,000 volts of electricity into his body, which caused him to fly in the air and die of the lack of oxygen in space.
Ash's mom suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "Bummer... Oh, well. He'll be back." She turned to everyone. "Attention! We now will come to the main event of this reunion. All main characters will battle each other at the same time!"
Brock sent out Forretres, Ash—just Pikachu, Misty—all of hers (except Togepi), May—Torchic. Brock had Forretres blow up in Torchic's face, May had Torchic burn up Pikachu, Misty had Horsea shoot ink directly into Torchic's eyes, and Ash had Pikachu shock everyone. Misty began pulling May's hair and May began biting Brock. Ash started to slap May and Brock was bringing Misty into a headlock. Torchic pecked Ash and Pikachu shocked everyone as Forretres blew up. Mrs. Ketchum was kicking everyone when David walked up.
"Excuse me." he said. "But I'd like to tell you all a story about a guy who applied for a part in According to Jim, but all he ever got was a small, stupid part in a Pokémon fanfic.............."
"THAT'S SOOOOOO BORING!" Ash yelled. "It actually made Pikachu become unconscious! I've got to get him to a Pokémon Center!"
"How is he, Nurse Joy?" Ash asked after taking Pikachu to the Pokémon center.
"If you mean me," Brock cut in, "I'M IN LOVE!!!" He began making out with Nurse Joy. She sprayed pepper spray in his face and then used a cattle prod on him.
"Pikachu's just fine, Ash. All he needed was to be interested in something. You got him here just in time, too; Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines just came on HBO!"
"Really?" May asked. "I am soooo there!" she then left the room.
"ring ring ring! ring ring ring! phone call! phone call!" called the video-phone. Ash answered it.
"Hello?"
"Hi Ash! This is Professor Oak!"
"Oh hi!"
"Listen. I was just told that there's going to be a HUGE Pokémon tournament held in Hawaii, which is in the United States."
"That's in America!" said Brock.
"Yes it is... Well anyway, Ash, I got all of you tickets for a cruise to Hawaii!"
"Wow, Professor, that was really nice of you!"
"Well it's not like I paid for them; I used Max's life savings!"
"Hey!" Max yelled in a grumpy tone.
"Well then, let's go!" Ash yelled.
"Wait, Ash!" Professor Oak yelled. "I haven't sent you your tickets yet! Hold on... there. They should be there any second."
The tickets came out of the phone.
"Also, I have a Pokédex upgrade for you."
Ash put in his Pokédex and got the updrade.
"You can now read data on Pokémon and people! Got to go! Bye!"
"C'mon!" Ash said. He ran into the gift shop and bought a disposable Tracy Sketchit for the trip then ran to other room to get Pikachu and May.
May started to complain. "But, Ash! Arnold Schwarzenegger was just about to be dragged through the city on that crane thing!"
They were all on the ship on their way to Hawaii. Ash looked in the water and saw a bunch of wild Carvanha tearing each other apart.
"Wow!" he said. "I need a picture of that!" He brought out his disposable Tracy Sketchit and leaned over the side of the boat to take a picture, but accidentally dropped him in the ocean with the Carvanha.
"Oh, well. I'll just get a new one when we get there.
"Hey Ash! When are you going to use that new Pokédex upgrade?" Misty asked him.
"Oh, yeah! I'll try it on Max." He pointed his Pokédex at Max.
"Max—Annoying, obnoxious, conceited. Also, stupid, stupid, stupid, and did I mention stupid?"
"HA HA, MAX! You're so dumb!" Ash said. "Now I'll try me!"
"Are you really going to make me repeat myself?"
Max started cracking up so Ash threw him in the ocean where he joined Tracy and died again (he dies a lot, doesn't he?).
When they came to Hawaii, they checked into the fanciest hotel that they could afford with what was left of Max's life savings.
"How did Max get so much money?" Misty asked May.
"Ever since he was three he's been mowing lawns with his teeth."
"Oh." she started to beet her up. "ASH IS MINE!"
"NO, HE'S MINE!!!"
They went to the beach right after they unpacked. Brock started flirting with a bunch of girls but Misty dragged him away by his ear. She accidentally ripped it off and discovered that it was just a decoy android. The real Brock was flirting with the lifeguard. She gave up and went to Ash. May was trying to get him to put sunscreen on her back, so Misty pushed him out of the way and rubbed aftershave all over her. She screamed, much to Misty's delight, and ran into the ocean to get it off, where she collided head on with several surfers. Misty watched as a giant wave crashed down on May. She walked out of the water with the disposable Tracy and Max holding onto her.
Meanwhile, Brock was talking with the lifeguard. After a while she said, "It's my break now—but the other lifeguard is coming. I think you'll like her."
"Oh, boy!" Brock closed his eyes and puckered his lips. He was then kissed by the new lifeguard. He opened his eyes to see that the new lifeguard was a Jynx.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
He ran over to Ash, Misty, May, Max, and the disposable Tracy Sketchit. Max was taking pictures of dirt with the Tracy, Ash was putting sun tan lotion on Misty's back, and May was holding a big rock over Misty's head. Brock grabbed all of them in his arms and ran away from the beach.
"BROCK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!???"
"It's too embarrassing to say! Now let's go!"
Pamela Anderson walked up to the Jynx.
"Thanks for watching my seat for me while I was coming. Where's that guy I was supposed to meet?"
After that strange event, they all went to the Pokémon center so Ash could sign up for the tournament. There was a sign outside that said 'no dogs allowed', so they tied Max to a tree where some other people had tied there rottweilers and went in. After Misty dragged Brock away from Nurse Joy, Ash registered.
The Hawaiian Nurse Joy said, "Lehu I keia Manawa Ho'ailona luna!"
".......Excuse me?"
"Oh, yeah. I mean 'Ash is now signed up!'"
"YEAH!"
"Now who else is signing up?"
"ME!" May and Misty said together. They looked at each other. "Grrrrrrrrr..."
They all went outside and saw a woman with long red hair that shot out of the back of her head, a man with long blue hair that hung down on his head, and a meowth selling lemonade.
"There's something familiar about them..." Max said. "Hey guys, I think that's Team Rock-"
"NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK!!!!!!!" they all yelled.
"Anyway," Ash said, "let's get lemonade!!!"
"YEAH, LEMONADE!!!"
They all ran to get lemonade. Team Rocket grabbed Pikachu and ran off.
Everyone looked at Max. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US THAT WAS TEAM ROCKET?!?"
"Oh, well." May said. "At least we can still have lemonade!" Misty picked up a glass of lemonade and threw it at May.
" 'At least we can still have lemonade' huh? Are you trying to say I don't have a chance with Ash!?"
"MAYBE!" They started throwing lemonade at each other. Max tried to stop them, so Misty put the lemonade pitcher over Max's face and pushed him. Ash watched as Misty and May fought and as Max squirmed on the ground. Then he said:
"This is RIDICULOUS!!!!!! We have to get Pikachu back!!"
"Oh yeah." Brock said. "I already got him back."
"How?"
"Through the power of soda."
"Hmm. That's cool."
"Yeah."
"So, let's go to the tournament!"
"YEAH, TOURNAMENT!!!"
"Jesse! What happened?" James was whining again. "That twerp's Pikachu disappeared!"
"Be quiet and stop complaining! We'll just get him back at the tournament!"
"Oh. Do I get to wear mens' clothes this time?"
"Attention everyone!" the announcer spoke. "I would normally be speaking Hawaiian, but since there are English-speakers among us, I shall be speaking English!!"
"a'u pohihihi!" came from the audience. "'olelo Hawai'i!" ('me confused! speak Hawaiian!')
"Anyway, in the tradition of the Hawaiian Tournament, we will start with a baseball game! And..... Ash Ketchum has just been randomly chosen to throw the first pitch!" Ash walked out onto the field. He was given a ball, which he put in his pocket. From the friends and family box, Brock was taking pictures with the disposable Tracy Sketchit who had only a moment before been sent away for popcorn. May was silently putting mercury in Misty's popcorn as Misty watched Ash get the ball out. He went to throw the ball to the batter when he realized he had just thrown a Pokéball! Ash caught the batter in the ball and everyone waited to see what happened.
"How strange..." the announcer said looking through his book of laws. "It seems that catching people is perfectly legal-" people in the audience began throwing Pokéballs at each other. "-if the person is a baseball player and you didn't do it on purpose... Well what do you know?"
"Yeah!" Ash yelled. "I caught a famous baseball player! E-bay, here I come!"
The announcer was still reading. "...Hmm...what else is in here?... Wow! That's really legal? For Real? Hey Kalani! Take over for me, will ya? I gotta go get some stuff at Best Buy and The Jelly Belly Factory before the 17th, or else the alignment of the planets won't affect the internet enough!" There was some feedback and then:
"Okay, and we're back to the world of sanity! Wow, would you look at the dime! We gotta skip the baseball game and go right on to the battling! First up is Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town against Patrick Pending from Velo City!"
"Pat Pending, huh?" Ash said to himself. He took out his Pokédex.
"Patrick—Pokémon trainer and actor. Starred in Darkness at the End of the Tunnel.Most notable for his ambiguously named character traits."
"Everyone knows the rules—you must use your newest Pokémon! Go!"
Patrick sent out a new Hawaiian Pokémon: Huluhulu wawae. "Go Harry!"
"Huluhulu wawae—This Pokémon's name in English is 'Hairy Leg'. It looks like a 7' hairy human leg. It has the power to manipulate your Pokémon with the use of hair!!! If you want a smooth victory, this Pokémon will shave the day! Hehe..."
"Alright," Ash said. "Newest Pokémon, huh? Then go, Henry O'ana!" The baseball player he just caught came out. "I'm gonna call you 'Pookie'!" Ash said.
"Harry! Fur Field! Let's go!" The toes on Harry began wiggling and 20 foot-long, thick hair grew out of the ground, blocking everyone's view of everything on the field. Misty began quickly throwing May's food into the hair where it would be lost forever. Ash checked his Pokédex. "There must be something this guy can do..."
"Henry O'ana—famous Hawaiian baseball player. Half Hawaiian and half Portuguese, "The Hawaiian Prince" kicked the bucket in 1976, but has recently been cloned. With his original self dead, I'd say he feels clonesome. Hehe... Oh, yeah. And he has the unusual ability to BREATH FIRE."
"Alright! Pookie! Flamethrower, now!"
Pookie opened his mouth and out came an explosion of fire! All of the hair burned up, including Max's, causing him to melt like a popsicle and slip into the storm drain. Harry was knocked out.
"And the victor is Ashley Ketchup from Ballet Town!" The crowd went wild.
"It's ASH!!!!!"
"Whatever! Anyway, the tournament will continue tomorrow! Be there, or be mayor!"
Later that night, at the hotel, there was a knock on Ash's room's door. He opened it. It was David.
"I was just wondering if you wouldn't sign this petition so that a poor soul could see himself on According to Jim before he passes away?" Ash closed the door on him. There was another knock. Ash opened the door.
"I'll be your best friend!" Ash closed the door. There was another knock. Ash opened the door and said, "WHAT NOW!!??!! Oh, sorry." It was May. She had on a very glamorous outfit. She came in and sat on the couch. Ash sat next to her.
"What's up?"
"Ash..." she said in an alluring and almost drugged sounding voice. "Have you ever thought of me as more than a friend?"
"Well, yeah—best friend."
"No. I mean...have you ever thought of me as your girlfriend?"
Well, unless you're a guy and you're my enemy, yeah. All the time."
"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! ASH! YOU DON'T GET IT!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!"
".............Oh... Well, I don't really like you that way... at all."
May was crushed. She nearly crawled out the door. She started crying and said, "Misty's gonna pay... But first I'll dance!" She did the Flamenco to her room.
The next day May and Misty had to fight each other. (The rules were different for this battle)
"Ash said that he didn't love you, didn't he?" Misty asked as she took out her Goldeen.
"So?.." May took out her Torchic.
"So your heart is broken! Ha ha!"
They started battling. Torchic started doing a peck attack, but was embarrassingly knocked out by Goldeen. May took out Beautifly and Misty took out Corsola. May was about to be defeated when.......
"Prepare for trouble..."
"...Make that double..."
"To protect the world from devastation..."
"...To unite all peoples within our nation..."
"...To denounce the evils of truth and love..."
"...To extend our reach to the stars above!"
"Jesse..."
"...James."
"Team Rocket Blast off at the speed of light!"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
"That's right!"
"Wobbuffet!"
"Oh, no!" Misty cried. "Not those clowns! What do they want?"
"We want Pikachu, DOI!" A giant robotic hand came down from their balloon and grabbed Pikachu. Pikachu shocked the hand. The balloon blew up, making Max scream, and Team Rocket blasted off.
"Well, that was annoying... Now where was I?" Misty said. "Oh yeah. Corsola! Bubble Beam!" May was harshly defeated and humiliated.
"Okay!" the announcer...er...announced. "Mister has won!"
"MISTY!!!"
"Whatever! Our judges will now decide which battle out of the hundreds that were fought was the most amazing! .................And the winner is DAVID!!! He fought his battle himself and miraculously won! Since he won, he will get any one request fulfilled!! Let's see an instant replay!"
On a large screen, everyone saw a Crabby sleeping as David said, "I'd like to tell you a story about a guy who applied for a part in According to Jim, but all he ever got was a small, stupid part in a Pokémon fanfic............." The crowd went wild.
"Let's hear it for Daren!!!"
"DAVID!"
"Whatever!"
Later, everyone was eating at the Pokémon-themed Japanese restaurant: Satoshi Ta-Sushi.
They all let out their Pokémon so they could eat, too. "It's too bad you didn't win." Max said. "It just like how you LOST the Pokémon League!!!!!!" May stuffed a hot dog in Max's mouth. "Just shut up!"
"It is too bad though." Misty said in an alluring and almost drugged tone. "Ash... Do you ever think of us as more than friends?"
"Why?"
"I love you..."
"Oh...Well I don't really love you like that."
"WHAT!?! Then what do you love?!"
"DOUGHNUTS!!!" he said with a smile on his face. He stuffed a jelly-filled in his mouth and said, "...But you're a close second."
"........Oh, well. Good enough!" She started making out with him then stopped to say, "Uh, no hard feelings May. Right?"
"Oh, I don't care about Ash anymore..." She was dancing cheek-to-cheek with Pookie.
"Guess what everyone?" Max suddenly said. "Me and Tracy just became best friends!"
"Whoopdido!" they said sarcastically.
"Hey!" Brock said. "Let's see what's on the boob-tube!" he grabbed the restaurant's remote control and turned on the TV.
"Look what's on! It's According to Jim!
"Jim! Guess what?"
"What?
"The new neighbor just arrived!"
"What's their name?"
"David!"
They all laughed.
"YEAH, DAVID!!!"
THE end
A/N: It was reeeaaally stupid, huh? But it was still funny! Anyway, I just want to say that I don't hate Max or Tracy or anyone—I actually really like them—I was just making fun of them for the heck of it. Also, the accented 'e' in Pokémon can be made by typing (on the number side of the keyboard) 0 then 2 then 3 then 3 while holding down the 'alt' key.