Sticking It In

"Like this?"

As Linndal placed the meat on the grill, Grimmjow nodded. "Yeah, that's it. Now you have to push the button and the griddle's gonna heat up..."

Tia Halibel watched from her seat in the lobby as the two Arrancar hovered in the kitchen, with Ulquiorra Schiffer observing them in a nearby corner. The Sexta was teaching the former Septima about the finer points of cookery in a fast-food restaurant, and Linn was proving to be an acceptable study. She turned to her mate, sitting opposite her in the booth.

"I'm surprised you're letting Grimmjow teach him...isn't food preparation your job?"

Tyn Tethis, former Quinto Espada, shook his head. "Grimm's been surprisingly interested in cooking and stuff, lately..." He grimaced. "Don't know why, though..."

"Because he told Ulquiorra he was tired of scrubbing toilets all the time." Coyote Starrk was passing by, and the Primera stopped as Lilynette hopped into the booth next to Tia. "Technically, all of us are crew-trainers, except for him. Grimmjow said he could use the extra cash, and Ulquiorra made a deal with him: prove he can train somebody, and he'll get the raise."

Tia nodded, raising her drink to her lips and sipping through the straw. "I'm sure he could use it...Yoruichi told me his rent got hiked again."

"Yeah," giggled Lilynette. "He punched another hole in the wall because the neighbor was playing their music too loud...the landlady was pissed!"

Starrk flicked her lightly in the head, a murmured admonishment for her language answering the dirty look she shot him.

"Holy shit, no! That's wrong!" They looked over to see Grimmjow whipping a half-cooked patty from a bun and slapping it back upon the grill. "Longer, no pink in the middle!"

Linndal blinked his Gigai's blue eyes. "But where's the flavor? We're burnin' it all out!"

Grimmjow pointed a spatula in the older Arrancar's face like a sword. "Longer. No pink. Trust me, the humans'll bitch about it until Night's End and you'll lose your job..."

Tia frowned a bit, and leaned over the table. "Does Linn even work here?"

Linndal shuffled in place. "But I don't even work here..." He hunched his shoulders as Grimmjow exploded at him.

"TOO FUCKING BAD, NOW COOK IT LONGER!"

Tyn smiled serenely at her. "Nope."

The small group turned to look back at the trio behind the counter. Luckily, no customers could hear the Sexta's outburst, what with the restaurant being closed for its once-a-month training day, but the Cuarto could, and anyone familiar with Ulquiorra's body language would be able to see his dissatisfaction at the way things were proceeding with Grimmjow at the helm. However, he was letting it continue, and the rest weren't about to interfere.

They had been watching Grimmjow systematically bully Linndal into doing the individual jobs correctly, and they could tell that fuses were beginning to burn short. Linn would accept it and let it roll off his back to an extent, but the Sexta was another story altogether, seeing the elder Arrancar's failures as reflections on his own teaching.

"Now put it in the bun...no, put the ketchup on first...not the mustard, Goddammit, the ketchup!"

Tia shook her head, and Tyn did the same. "Not too much longer," he murmured.

Eventually something would snap...either Linn's patience and good humor or Grimmjow's violent temper.

"But what about the—"

"Lettuce doesn't go on this one, it's a regular double WorldBurg."

A short silence.

"Cuchullan?"

"...aye, Grimmjow?"

"Why isn't there cheese in between the patties?"

Another silence, the only sound the slight rustle of fabric as Ulquiorra crossed his arms behind the two at the food preparation table.

"Um...I didn't know there were supposed ta be any—" Linndal's quiet voice was interrupted by the slam of a fist upon a metal surface.

"THIS ISN'T FUCKING WACDONALD'S! WE PUT CHEESE ON EVERYTHING HERE!"

Linndal took an audibly deep breath, letting it out slowly. "I'm sorry, Grimmjow. I'll fix it right away."

"Good!"

Tyn nodded to himself, impressed. "That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be..."

Tia flipped another page in the magazine she had brought with her, nodding absently back and taking another long sip from her Dr. Chipper.

"Are ya sure I can just...?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"But won't that mess up the—"

"No, Linn, just do it."

"I ain't sure that's—"

"Just. Do. It. Cuchullan."

"Grimmjow, I don't think—"

"GODDAMMIT, YOU BASTARD, JUST STICK IT IN ALREADY!"

A quiet but still very audible voice made itself known. "I believe that is what she said."

Shocked silence filled the building...

And then Grimmjow cursed vehemently.

Linndal dropped his spatula.

Lilynette clapped her hands over her mouth

Starrk made a sound somewhere between a gasp and a choke.

Tia spewed her soda all over a speechless Tyn.

The lights flickered.

Outside the restaurant, clouds passed over the late-afternoon sun.

Birds stopped chirping, dogs stopped barking.

The power in Karakura Town experienced a small surge, causing a brief rolling blackout.

Across Japan, nature and man took a brief pause.

Fish ceased to swim in the oceans of the world.

Currents and rivers that had flowed for centuries in one direction suddenly reversed for an instant.

Nations across the globe experienced anything from short economic variances to unexplainable weather phenomenon. In one particular country, the elected leader of his people found his TelePrompTer to be malfunctioning, thus forcing him to ad-lib the next lines of his speech, resulting in him once again blaming his predecessor and the opposing party for his own incompetence.

And deep in the crushing blackness of the ocean, in a long-forgotten city known as R'Lyeh, dead Cthulhu stirred in his unending dreams.

Then, impossibly, everything was normal again.

All eyes turned to the figure standing quietly in the corner of the kitchen at Burger World.

Ulquiorra Schiffer returned the shocked stares with an impassive one of his own.

"What," came the strangled voice of Coyote Starrk, "the hell was that?"

The Cuarto Espada turned to the Primera. "My attempt at humor. Orihime recently mentioned to me the fact that the normal human jokes and makes inappropriate plays upon words and phrases on a fairly regular basis."

"...Did she now?" Tia handed several napkins to her still-dumb mate as she directed this question to the nihilist.

He nodded. "Yes. She told me that being such a...'gloomy Gus' was not healthy. I took to reading several books upon jokes and puns, but had not been able to find an opportune moment to put any to use until just now." He seemed to have a slightly put-out air. "It would appear that I was unsuccessful at being...humorous."

Linndal shook his head. "No...uh...that was..."

Grimmjow finished for him. "Pretty fucking...funny, actually..."

Ulquiorra blinked twice in rapid succession, a sure sign of surprise from him. "It was?"

Lilynette nodded, as did Tyn. "Yeah," said the damp Quinto. "Not...not bad at all."

Schiffer nodded, as if to himself. "Excellent. Most excellent, indeed."

Starrk stepped forward, pointing a finger at the pale Arrancar. "Never," he said quietly, "never...do...that...again. Am I clear?"

Ulquiorra felt a momentary desire to protest, but thought better of it as he looked at the still-stricken faces of his Pack members.

"Very well, then; I shall inform the woman of my success and encourage her to leave the matter at that."

A genuine sigh of relief gusted out of everyone present, and they, shakily, nervously, began to go back to their tasks.

Tyn leaned over the table, stray droplets of soda still clinging to his eyebrows. "If he ever does that again, I'm finding Kurosaki and I'll make him sublimate me..."

Tia rubbed her brow with a shaking hand. "Get in line..."

"Now, put the cheese in the burger..."

Stirring from the kitchen punctuated the next few moments, followed shortly by a splat.

"Oops..."

"WHY DID YOU DROP THE DAMN SANDWICH?!"

Epilogue

Tyn wiped his face again and again as the Pack made their way out of the restaurant. Starrk gave him an odd look; there was no sign of any soda upon the Raptor Prince's face, but he just kept rubbing and sliding his palms on his pants.

Tia noticed this behavior as well, and sidled up to her mate, an apologetic look on her face. "Sorry for that, Tyn..."

Tethis, for his part, merely continued to wipe phantom dampness from his hands and face, a sour look on his features. "I can't believe you spit on me..."

"I said I was sorry..."

"I don't get it," said Coyote. "Why are you so upset about her spitting?"

Tyn's careless shrug met his question. "Because she usually swallows."

A tanned fist rocketed into his jaw, dropping him on the sidewalk in a senseless heap, and the Pack watched as Tia Halibel stormed away toward home.

Linndal squatted next to the reeling Quinto. "Yo, Tethis..." he said, cocking his head inquisitively. "Y'alright?"

Tyn gurgled from his prone position on the concrete.

The Mad Hound stood upright. "Yeah, he's fine."

Finis

A/N Props to Pago, who owns the character Tyn Tethis, and the original concept this ficlet is based on! Also kudos to him for Tyn's little "verbal wardrobe malfunction"!