The Trojan Army of Darkness
A Evil Dead/Hercules/Xena Adventure
By GoodAsh
Note: This story is presented in serial form...just for the fun of cliffhangers.
Ares disappeared in a flash of godly light...
...Joxer, in a mad rush of adrenaline, wet his armor and fainted....
...Autloycus hightailed it for the closest cover...
...Hercules, Xena and Gabrielle prepared to battle the thing which could only be described as..."the thing"...
...Iolaus awoke and tore through his bindings with all his demonic strength...
...and Ash just stared at the ground and kept muttering, "Klaatu, Verata, Necktie...what's so friggin' hard about that?"
As Ash took some time to regroup, Hercules and Xena tried fighting off the Deadite "thing". In a wild melee of swords and staffs and invisible "thinginess" Xena was actually swallowed by the "thing", and spit out like a bad piece of fish. Gabrielle tried her hand at stopping the Deadite Iolaus, but found herself at the receiving end of a nasty bite. Hercules himself fought valiantly, but even the son of Zeus succumbed to the power of the "thing".
Ash didn't find this particularly disturbing. What did bother him is that he knew exactly what would happen next. All three heroes popped up from where they had fallen, each of them looking as if some wild critter had gnawed extensively on their faces. Now the Deadites had the captains for their army, and Ash was the only person left to stop them. And he didn't really think that now was a really good time.
"The Book" Xena snarled, "Give us the book, and your death will be a merciful one"
Ash remained stonefaced. "Baby, the only thing I got to give you is the ugly stick...and it looks like I'm too damn late."
Hercules rushed Ash. Ash lifted his metal hand and tried to aim up before Herc got to him. "Wait for it...Wait for it..." The hand shot off too early and missed it's mark completely. "DAMN! Premature ejection...I swear that's never happened bef....OOF!"
Hercules didn't miss. Ash shot off like a rocket and landed right next to Autolycus where he was hiding. Ash lay muttering. "Nikto...that's it...Nikto."
Ash passed out from the pain.
Back on the battlefield, Joxer awoke. He took one look at Gabrielle's mutated face and once again fainted dead away.
Ash awoke to the sting of cold water on his face and Joxer's hysterical crying. He sat bolt upright and smacked Joxer on the cheek. "Quit yer blubbering, momma's boy."
Joxer looked into his eyes. "Uh..thanks, I needed that."
Autolycus looked from Ash to Joxer and back again. "okay, here's the deal, Ash my boy...Xena, Herc, Iolaus and Gabrielle have taken command of the undead army, and taken the book. Ares is gone and the only person around here who even looks remotely like they know what to do is you."
"So, the fate of the world rests in my delicate hands once more, is that it?" Ash snarled, "Let me tell you, I'm gettin' really tired of having to drag all you mouth-breathers out of the clutches of these Deadites. I'm trying to live my own life, y'know, and how am I supposed to do that when idiots like you keep setting off the safety device on that Godforsaken Necronomicon? Huh? Wanna tell me? I'm tired of your needs. What about me? What about good old Ash?" Ash swung his metal hand in a wide arc, and hit Joxer square in the nose, knocking him out once more. "Damn. Gotta quit doing that."
"I'm sorry, Ash." Autloycus said. "I'm not saying I know exactly how you feel, but somehow, I feel pity for you. Never to be home, never to know the touch of a woman."
"Whoah now, chief, nobody said anything about not getting women, I got plenty of them...in all kinds of time periods." Ash replied. "But I do have an idea. And we're going to need the help f that guy over there by the tree."
"What guy?" Joxer asked
"Come on out Ares...I have a need of you"
"Wh...what?" Ares materialized.
Ash glowered. "Not time for questions, buddy. I need the help of some of yer brothers and sisters, especially Hepatitis, Heffalump, or whatever his name is."
"You mean Hephaestos?"
"Po-tay-toe, Po-tah-to. I need him to make me a few things."
And the group huddled together in an attempt to overthrow the Army of Darkness
NEXT: The conclusion!!!