The Trojan Army of Darkness
A Evil Dead/Hercules/Xena Adventure
By GoodAsh
Note: This story is presented in serial form...just for the fun of cliffhangers.
Autolycus ran. He wasn't sure where to exactly, but anywhere to get away from that thing that was following him. Necronomicon clutched tightly under his arm, he ran faster. But the thing came even quicker, splitting trees, ejecting brush from the ground, and basically just whipping through the forest like a bat out of Hades' realm. Autolycus scanned the forest ahead for something, anything that he could hide behind, under... anything. He noticed the brush thinning out and he realized that the forest was ending. he thought maybe the thing would stop if he could...just...reach...Freedom! Autolycus turned, and to his dismay saw a tree flying his way.
Autolycus tripped.
He wasn't sure why, but upon closer inspection it seemed that, as he had his head turned, he fell over what seemed to be a man. He took a closer look, and recognized that stupid helmet...Joxer. Of all the ways to die or to be maimed, it had to be Joxer who got him into the mess. Then, Autolycus realized that Joxer wasn't alone. He looked up and saw Xena and Gabrielle and a handsome young man with a steel hand. Autolycus thought he recognized the man but really couldn't place the face. Handsome devil, though.
Joxer groaned and pushed Autolycus off him. The handsome guy muttered something unintelligible and Xena jerked Autolycus up by his collar.
"Ok, Autolycus. I have no idea what exactly is going on here with these dead warriors or with this guy with the metal hand that looks exactly like you, but I know it all has something to do with you, so spill."
Autolycus recognized the man after Xena said this. He dressed a little funny and was sans moustache, but for all intents and purposes, the guy with the metal hand was him. Xena shook Autloycus from his musings.
"Well?"
"Hey, all I know is that I was asked by a wealthy investor to obtain this book." Autloycus pulled the Necronomicon out from under his arm. The guy with the hand groaned and started into some sort of rant.
"What is this?" Gabrielle queried.
"Its called the Necronomicon Ex Mortis-Book of the dead." Autolycus replied. "Its supposed to be some sort of book containing weird burial rites and demon summoning spells, stuff like that."
Xena looked closely at the book's cover, then opened it. "It never occurred to you that this book is bound in flesh and looks to be inked in blood..."
"Not really, no. Thing gave me the creeps, so I just kind of ignored it."
Ash saw the Necronomicon and grabbed it from Xena. "Give me that friggin' book before something else goes wrong around here. I still can't understand what the hell it is with this stupid book, but I'm really gettin' a little upset that every friggin' time I turn around I'm running into that damn book. I can't even answer the call of nature without seein' that ugly-ass thing."
It just dawned on the band that they could now understand every last word that the stranger had said.
Gabrielle was the first to attempt communication. "Um...mister...uh...can you understand what I'm saying??"
"I ain't deaf sweetcheeks. And call me...Ash."
From behind the sound of clapping could be heard. "Well done! We can all understand one another, now what in Hades are we to do about this mess?" It was Ares and beside him stood the striking figure of Hercules, carrying a bag which seemed to contain some kind of wild animal.
Hercules acknowledged the group. "Greetings Xena, Gabrielle...Joxer."
Autolycus piped in. "Hey, hey, hey!!! What about me? Doesn't good old Autolycus get any love?" They all whipped around and glared at him. "Hey, never mind."
Xena cast a stone cold look at Hercules. "What is HE doing here??"
"Believe me, he's not here to make trouble...yet. Ares has his own motive for fixing this problem."
"Hey...bonehead. Someone care to explain what in the Sam Hell is going on here to the poor guy from the future??" Ash interrupted. "It ain't like I wanna ruin this beautiful family portrait, but what is going on? Hercules? Ares? I guess Zeus is going to pop up sometime soon."
Hercules loked at him "No, father usually keeps to himself."
Ash beat his head against a tree. "Oh my Lord...I'm in the loony bin..that's gotta be it. All this necronmicon crap has driven me off the deep end and right this minute I'm in a padded room with a straight jacket on. Next, I'll be chasing a white rabbit down a hole and I'll end up in stinking Narnia."
Ash decided that even if it was a dream in his deluded head, he was the only one that knew what was going on. "Alright, since none of you Neaderthals knows what's the buzz, here's the skinny. That book is full of some evil crap, and you probably removed it form the place it belonged without saying the proper magical words...Am I right??"
"Hey! I said 'em....maybe not every little syllable..but I said 'em!!" Autolycus lied.
Ash had an incredible sense of deja vu...and the thing stepped out from it wooded hiding place.
Both Ash and Autolycus screamed like girls.
To be continued...