No Way!
by Aaron D.
Having seen the condition of Mayor Amelia's office in its newly-furnished, completely-restored state, Teisel Bonne could hardly believe that it was a part of the same building his younger brother had brutally crushed almost two years ago. In addition to a brand-spanking-new set of furniture, the mayor had put up a large portrait of her favorite Digger just to the right of her desk as well.
"Grr...that blueboy," Teisel grumbled under his breath. MegaMan Volnutt looked fairly heroic in his pose, raising his left hand in the air behind him for balance, his Arm Cannon thrust forward to take on whatever foe awaited him. Teisel had been on the receiving end of that pose FAR too many times, thank you. That was why he was taking on more...legitimate work, like this particular job.
The mayor had her head bent over a ledger, scribbling furiously in its margins. She took a small sip from the coffee cup next to her, then motioned to the plush, olive green sofa. "Please, sit down," she said pleasantly. "I'll be with you in a few moments."
Teisel shrugged and plopped down onto the couch, indicating to Tron and Bon that they should do the same. It wasn't too long ago that the three of the Bonnes had been persona non grata around Kattleox, but of course those last couple of weeks had changed all of that. His younger sister and brother seated themselves next to him, and three of the Servbots trundled in behind them, closing the outer office door. The room was completely silent save for the scratching of Amelia's pen on paper and the incessant ticking of a clock on a nearby bookshelf.
Several moments passed by, with the mayor keeping her attention firmly focused on her paperwork. Teisel didn't mind that much; after all, he'd done more than enough to frustrate Amelia in the past. Maybe she was looking for some payback. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. Well, he wasn't going to blink first.
Tron, however, was far less patient than her elder brother. After tapping her foot restlessly for a couple of minutes, the fragile flower of the Bonne family crossed her arms and pouted, then finally demanded of the mayor of Kattleox, "What exactly are you doing that's taking so long?!"
"Hm?" said Amelia, startled. She deigned to look up for a moment before returning to her ledger. "Sorry. I'm totaling up the city's Income Statement for the past month. Can you believe we've spent three million, two hundred and fifty-seven thousand, nine hundred fifty-two zenny on the wastewater treatment facility alone? And it still needs a complete overhaul. That's going to cost us another..." Her eyes flitted down the page. "Nine hundred thirty-eight thousand, four hundred seventy-six zenny."
"How did you add that up so fast?" Tron asked.
"I've always been good at math," Amelia replied, taking another drink of her black coffee and returning to the ledger. "Go ahead and ask me anything you want. I can multitask pretty easy."
Teisel raised an eyebrow, but decided to go ahead and start his pitch. "Well, as you know, Amelia, we recently completed work on the Bonne Water Park outside the city walls."
"It looks like it's going to be really fun!" said Servbot Number Thirty-Nine from between Tron and Bon.
"It sure does!" added Number Twelve, dancing on top of the tabletop which was decorated with magazines.
"Anyway," Teisel continued, "Now that construction is finished and the park is open, I think perhaps it's time you held up your end of the bargain. Specifically-"
"We wanna Dig in the closed Ruins," Tron interrupted. "There's still treasure left in there, and we want it! We built your stupid water park, so you'd better-"
"Babu!" put in Bon.
"Let's all settle down a bit," said Teisel forcibly. "Certainly, Miss Amelia, you can tell that we feel that we, personally, have made up for any...inconveniences we may or may not have caused your island in the past. That being said, I, as a representative of the Bonne family, am here to request our Class A Digging Licenses without delay."
"Certainly," Amelia said pleasantly. Or, at least, it seemed to Teisel that it might have been her intent. Suddenly, the mayor's head started jerking repeatedly to the side. She kept repeating the phrase, "Certainly," over and over again, although it sounded modulated improperly, like it were coming from a digital recording that had fractured.
"Are you all right?" Teisel asked loudly over the mayor's continuous tirade, though it was a stretch to call it that, since Amelia was simply saying the same word several times over.
"Maybe it was something in the coffee..." Tron suggested over the many "Certainly"'s.
She and Teisel looked into the cup. It seemed fairly innocuous, but Teisel raised the cup to his nose and took a sniff. "This doesn't smell like coffee," he said.
Tron snatched the cup from her brother, sticking a finger into the dark liquid. She raised it to her lips and tasted it carefully. She immediately spit it out. "Uhh!" She groaned in disgust. "This isn't coffee! It's motor oil!"
"Oooh!" Number Two bounded over to her and took the cup away, guzzling its remains. "It's 5W-30, Miss Tron!"
Meanwhile, Amelia had stopped saying, "Certainly," repeatedly, but had continued in her jerky movements. She started to stand up, which took several seconds because of her uncontrollably spasmodic movements. Sparks began flying from her neck.
"Wait a minute," Teisel said. "If she drinks motor oil, add that to what's happened now, that means she must be..."
"A robot!" Tron finished.
"MY-COVER-HAS-BEEN-BLOWN," Amelia said in an odd-sounding voice. "PROCEEDING-TO-ELIMINATE-ALL-HUMAN-TARGETS." The mayor's left arm swirled around, turning into an automatic weapon. She began firing recklessly at the Bonnes, tearing up the walls of her office in the process.
"Run!" Teisel shouted, leading the others out the door. The Bonnes dashed down the stairs of Kattleox City Hall, halting as they ran into a group of armed, uniformed police officers.
"And what be goin' on here?" said the lead policeman in an Irish accent. "Sure'n we doon't like payple makin' distroorbances aroond here."
"What did you say?" Tron demanded as the rapid firing began creeping ever closer.
"Oh, I wish we hadn't left all our weapons on the Gesellschaft," Teisel lamented as Amelia became visible.
The cybernetic mayor was still madly waving around her machine gun arm, shouting, "KILL-ALL-HUMANS."
Out of options, and unable to find any other possible solution in his mind, Teisel grabbed Number Twelve by his waist. He raised the Servbot over his head and flung him at the rampaging female robot. "Waaaah!" Number Twelve screamed as he flew towards Amelia, impacting harmlessly with her chest and tumbling back down the stairs to rest at Teisel's feet.
"They're attacking the mayor!" shouted one of the policemen, and the group of officers started to rush the Bonnes.
"Hey!" Tron yelled, indignant. "She's attacking us!"
The front door to City Hall burst open. "What's going on in here?" shouted the Inspector, head of all Kattleox Island police. "I heard the mayor was..." He saw the Bonnes. "Oh, I should've known! You guys are always getting into trouble. How did you screw up the mayor's programming?" He walked up to Amelia, reached around her back, and flicked a switch which caused the mayor to fall to the ground, seemingly unconscious.
Teisel looked on the scene in disbelief. "How did...you mean, you KNOW that she's a robot?"
"Sure," said the Inspector, typing in commands on a panel in the back of the mayor's head. "In a city like ours, where we have all sorts of redundant bureaucracy, it takes a robot to keep all of the records straight. Still, the mayor is an old model, so every now and then, her 'destroy humanity' subroutine overrides her regular program."
"Huh?" Teisel said, stunned.
The Inspector laughed shortly. "Yeah, I know. Back in the old days, no one knew how to program a robot without it eventually going insane and trying to murder every human being it could get its hands on. Thankfully, things aren't quite like that anymore." He shut the panel. "All done."
Amelia whirred back to life and leapt to her feet. "Certainly," she said. "The three of you can get your Class A Digger's License at the desk downstairs. Have a good afternoon." Amelia smiled and climbed the steps back up to her office.
Teisel stared at the space where the mayor had been, mouth agape.
Tron poked him in the shoulder. "Teisel, come on! Let's get that license and start Digging!"
"Oh, uh, sure, Tron," Teisel said, letting his sister drag him over to the Licensing counter.
FIN