Patchwork Insecurities
Dim. Moist. Dirty laundry.
These were the words that first came to mind when Jake and I entered the Raggedy Kingdom. Dim, because the place was set up in a massive cavern. Moist, because, well, it was set up in a massive cavern. And dirty laundry for everything else. Everyone knew the history of Ooo's youngest kingdom; I always thought it was like a Bizarro version of how PB made the Candy Kingdom. But instead of candy, Raggedy Princess used...rags.
Rags from before the war.
Rags that haven't been washed in nine-hundred-plus years.
It kinda smells. It's kinda ugly. But I knew better than to let my disgust show; at least it wasn't so bad once you got used to it. Jake wasn't as conservative as anyone, myself included, would have liked. "Smells like old socks in here," he said, nose wrinkling.
"Dude," I whispered, "be nice. RP has requested us with a royal summon, and Raggedy Kingdom doesn't get many visitors."
"I wonder why." I couldn't help but laugh at my brother's wit. He made everything funny.
When Jake and I approached the musty patchwork threshold, a voice from above yelled, "Lower the bridge! Raise the portcullis!"
Oh, so that's what that was ahead of us? I thought it was just a slab of rotting plywood. The thing slammed down over a small moat filled with nothing but gravel and space. The portcullis, which was just a rusted thing made of a thousand sewing needles held together by taut string, rose at such a snail's pace that Jake and I limbo'd under it once it was high enough. A guardsman that looked a lot like one of PB's Banana Guards (except he resembled a giant sock with a stitched mouth) greeted us on the other side.
"Finn the Human, Jake the Dog," he announced, sounding just as smart as a banana guard. "Hullo! The princess has been expecting you."
"We came as fast as we could," I said. "What's the situation? Ice King? Moths? ...Ice Moths?"
"No, no. Come. Raggedy Princess has been anxiously awaiting your arrival." With that, we followed the Sock Guard through the lantern-lit streets of Raggedy Kingdom. Its shoddy patchwork streets were unusually empty, almost eerily so. Every now and then however I would spot a raggedy person scuttling into one of the many archaic shacks, the flutter of bedsheet curtains, or the glitter of a button-eye or two reflect against the Sock Guard's lantern. Jeez, it's like if a zombie apocalypse hit the Pillow World.
"Where's all the peeps?" I asked.
"You have to understand that we don't get many visitors," the guard explained. "We raggedy people are quick to startle and slow to accept. But don't mistake their caution as maliciousness; we love our princess more than anything, but she protects us from the outside world. We have enough problems here as it is without some brigands wreaking havoc on the commoners." Well they may sound kinda dumb, but these Sock Guards are anything but. Seriously, that was some crazy vocabulary!
"No offense chief, but this place is looking kinda rough."
"Astute observation, Jake. Life here is tough. Winters are cold, and wet. Mold is a common sight here in Raggedy Kingdom. Summers are no better. Moths feed on our toes and our furniture when no one is looking."
"Man," Jake muttered, low enough to go unheard in the guard's ear. "Sorry I asked."
Yeesh. My heart feels all weird and squishy now after listening to that. How come Raggedy Princess doesn't ask the other kingdoms for help?
Within five minutes we made it to the Raggedy Castle, which looked a lot like the blanket forts Jake and I would build when we were youngsters except, well, bigger. And made of stitched-together blankets.
The front door, no more than a tent flap, was held open from the other side by another Sock Guard. He nodded to me, Jake and the escort as we filed through. The interior of the Raggedy Castle was actually not what I was expecting: the floors were stone, grey and dirty yes, but not made of old rags! The walls around us had this glossy wood finish that shone in the hundred of bootleg sconces lining the great hall and the stairs that bridge off into the upper levels and balconies overlooking the place. And yes, I said bootleg sconces. Not everything can be perfect, especially that wholesome "Raggedy Kingdom" charm that this castle had in its odor and decoration sense of sconces crafted from bootlegs and musty old tapestries hanging from the wall that were all blank, save for a few errant stains. I honestly felt bad expecting Raggedy Princess's seat of power to be a pile of unwashed socks molded to look like a throne.
And speak of the devil, here she came.
Raggedy Princess was honest-to-Gob the last thing in Ooo I'd expect to be calling a princess, with her mismatched stockings, single boot, the piece of glass sitting in her literal mop of a hairdo, and the hastily-applied patch on her left side that she got from who knows where. But there was something about RP that I couldn't put down. Maybe it was that cute way she blushed when talking to me, or how she tripped over her words when she got nervous and giggled in between words. Heck, maybe I just have a soft spot for the little smile of hers.
Lucky day for me. She was doing all three.
"H-Hello, Finn!" she giggled, soft face practically glowing red. "Thank you, I mean, no! Yes, thank you! Thank you for coming! T-To my summon, my royal summon I mean! Yes! Oh Gob..."
As Raggedy Princess padded her little feet down the hall towards us, Jake had enough time to stretch his mouth up to my ear and whisper, "Dude, she's crushing so hard over you right now."
When Raggedy Princess finally came to stop several feet away, Jake, the two Sock Guards and I all dropped to one knee. You know, I never understood why we do that. Respect, maybe? We don't do that LSP, then again, she isn't technically a ruler yet.
A big white sock was thrown at my feet as I had begun to stand.
"Imadethisforyou!" said Raggedy Princess, smiling her little smile. "Ihopeyoulikeit!"
This is really bizarre.
Jake shoved his entire fist into his mouth. It was all he could do not to burst out laughing. Thankful for the dimness hiding my blush, I picked up the sock and rubbed it against my cheek. It felt...like a sock. "Mmm, thanks a ton RP," I said, pretending to sound like this sock was the greatest gift I've ever gotten.
"No no! Thank you, Finn! Eh-heh-heh...ah..."
That's when the awkward silence came on. Within seconds Raggedy Princess's face grew so red that I thought it'd catch fire. Like, just like that! Woosh! Spontaneous combustion! But then Raggedy Princess would be dead and it wouldn't be very funny after that.
Anyway, yeah. She started freaking out. "I'm sorry!" she said, panicking. "Please, make yourselves at home. You may go, my Sock Guards."
"Yes, Princess."
It turns out that this entire hall was the entire Raggedy Castle. It was just this really, really long hallway. Don't get me wrong, there were rooms off of the beaten path or whatever; there was a sewing room, where Jake and I saw a few raggedy people sewing clothes and other goods to trade with the other kingdoms, a fairly impressive library, and even a dining hall. But the dining hall made me feel all squishy in the heart guts again, because from what I saw as we passed there were cobwebs everywhere, which served as a reminder that the Raggedy Kingdom doesn't get many visitors.
This long, long hallway ended with Raggedy Princess's living quarters, or rather, where she set it up. It was just a dirty old mattress with a nightstand that looked like it was gnawed on by a thousand termites. There was a large stone hearth, dilapidated but capable of keeping a mighty bonfire roaring, which gave the digs this neat little "homey" feeling. A shower curtain (a large one that was actually a blue and orange curtain haphazardly stapled together) separated her "bedroom" from the rest of the hall.
Jake went and flopped down on the musty bed. When he did, out poofed half a hundred beetles living inside. "Whelp," he said, "home sweaty home."
"Dude..."
"This place is wack, bro," he explained, sitting up. "Why do I feel like I'm gonna get turned into gumbo if I stay here for too long?"
"They don't have a whole lot, man. That's probably why Raggedy Princess called us out here: to help out. We should do what we can."
"Okay. Let me just reach into my magic bag and pull out an endless supply of food, and maybe some washing detergent to at least get the stains out of this place." A fold in Jake's flesh molded into a mock satchel, and as he jokingly began to fumble through it I heard Raggedy Princess's soft little footfalls coming down the hall.
"Dude, cut it out," I hissed, right before the princess entered.
"I'm sorry for keeping you for so long," she said, breathlessly.
I waved a hand in dismissal. "No prob, Bob. Just tell us what you need done and we'll get it done."
Raggedy Princess twisted her booted foot into the ground, her stitched mouth pursing. "I..." She stopped there; she worked her mouth in and out, like she wanted to say something but a cat had her tongue or something like that.
"Come on, RP," said Jake, sliding his butt off the mattress to join me at my side. "What do you need done?"
"I...I need..."
"Yes?" I said. Her unbuttoned eye looked ready to burst into tears. Oh, and there goes my heart guts again.
"I need help," she mumbled.
Jake didn't seem to hear, or understand or something. "Wha?"
"I need help," she repeated, a little louder. Her unbuttoned eye met mine own. "Please Finn, Jake. I need your help." She sounded like she was going to break down and cry.
"With what?" I asked softly. I dropped to one knee and rested my hand on her little shoulder. A light flush lit her cheeks and she looked away, smiling bashfully. Or ashamedly. "RP?" I said. "What's wrong?"
"I need..." she took a deep breath, her one eye squeezed shut. "I..."
Jake was losing his patience, and to be honest, so was I. "Come on! Spit it out!" he snapped.
A deep breath. "Ineedtolearnself-confidence!" Her shriek rattled all the way down the hall and back.
Jake and I looked at each other. We exchanged a look that said, "Oh. Well...This was...unexpected."
Raggedy Princess needs her own episode. Asap.
Anyways, I'm not sure if I should really go through with this one, considering it ain't a romance fic (half-jokes). I dunno. Should I continue this? It'll only be, like, three chapters. Does the fandom even like Raggedy Princess?