Just to give everyone a heads up, this is a total crackfic written by a sleep deprived maniac. Of course, so was Poe. So Enjoy.
High over a city of steel and rain
Stood an angry young ninja known only as Pain
He growled at the sky and he growled at the ground
Then he growled at Konan, and growled aloud.
As his voice cracked like thunder across the gray sky,
Konan managed to ask "What's the matter… oh my!"
For the matter was plain, and quite simple to see
Pain was mad at a single large green Christmas tree.
But the tree in itself was not truly that bad;
T'was the figure atop its green boughs made Pain mad.
It had grey, swirly eyes and a long, thick, red jacket,
But the beard on his chin was what caused the whole racket.
"I will not be SANTA!" the evil god wailed.
And then Tobi knew that his plans had all failed.
"But please, Leader-sama?" He pleaded and begged.
"If you won't be Santa, who will be instead?"
"That's a terrible rhyme!" Pain yelled out in fury.
"Now cut to the next scene of the story… and hurry!"
-
In the village of leaves, on the snow covered streets
Walked a ninja in orange, and he came bearing treats.
In his arms were five boxes, stacked high overhead,
One wrapped in pink paper, one silver, one red.
The last two were special, and covered up thus
The first was a tube just a long as a bus
But the wrapping of the last brought Naruto scorn
For the old pervert's gift was all wrapped up in porn.
As he came to the gates of the village of leaves,
He stopped for a breather beneath its large eaves.
What happened next, the young boy didn't know,
For a moment later, he simply lay flat in the snow.
"Stupid Naruto!" Sakura shouted. "You suck."
"You was supposed to be Sasuke, so then we could…"
"I'm right here." The emo interrupted. "You missed."
"And I do have to say it was funny you kissed."
"I did what?" Naruto asked, gathering his gifts.
"Sakura-chan kissed you, right here, on the lips."
The girl sighed, her self-esteem reaching a low,
As reached up and grabbed a bough of mistletoe.
"So that was your plan?" Naruto asked, with a grin.
"Well in that case, Sakura-chan, kiss me again."
"Go to Hell." She yelled back, with a punch to his face.
And Naruto's presents flew all over the place.
"That's not very nice." Kakashi popped out of hiding.
"Where the hell were you, Sensei?" "On a mission…er… spying."
"Now that everyone's here." The young teacher began.
"It's time for our party; have a Gingerbread man."
-
'I really hate Christmas' Pain thought to himselves.
'This stupid fat man and his army of elves.'
"Every ninja loves Christmas." Young Tobi explained.
"Every Ninja but one, and his names are all Pain."
"You know who you are? You're a Scrooge! You're the Grinch!"
"Really…" Pain thought "That might do, in a pinch."
"What?" Tobi asked. "You've gone mad! You're insane."
"I mean, murder is one thing, but even you… Pain!"
But Pain wasn't listening as Tobi called out.
The lines on his face drew away from his pout.
He ripped out the doll from the top of the tree.
Then he donned the red jacket and false beard with glee.
Then he smiled, as he said, with a twinkle in his (Rin'negan) eye:
"Merry Christmas to all; now you're all going to die!"
"This sound fun!" Someone yelled, and from behind the tree
Came Kisame, Deidara, and then Itachi.
"What about all the others?" Pain asked, just confused.
"Hidan's preaching to Sasori. Zetsu's just boozed."
"Fine. Great. I don't care." The man muttered to himselves.
"Now, quick, put these on and you'll all look like elves."
-
In the town of Konoha, many gifts were exchanged.
Naruto ran around in a fury, deranged.
"Where the hell is that voice coming from?" He screamed freely.
"What voice?" Asked Kakashi. "I don't hear a thing, really."
"That damn rhyming!" He yelled. "Don't you hear it!"
And he… "Don't interrupt me! I hate you! Believe it."
You did it yourself that time. Stop blaming me.
"Well screw you, whoever you are. I'll get you. You'll see."
"Naruto… what's wrong?" Tsunade asked.
"Have you finished everything with which you've been tasked?"
"Aggh! The rhyming!" He yelled, clutching his brain.
And all those around just thought He's Insane!
"I'm not insane yet!" Uzumaki shouted.
"My head is just fine." But still, he was doubted.
"Fine whatever. Let's just open presents." He muttered.
"O…O…O…" Hinata began, and she stuttered.
"You know, open presents. The gifts? In the boxes?"
"I… I know what you mean… B…but I only got soxes."
"It's pronounced socks." Naruto yelled right at her face.
But I was convinced I would show him his place.
You can't have a story like this without rhymes.
It just wouldn't work. You'd have to use mimes.
Back to the story, Hinata just fainted.
"Must've been the eggnog." Someone muttered. "It's tainted."
Far off in a corner, Sasuke clutched a blue gift.
From Naruto to emo; this should give you a lift.
Inside the small box was tiny green book.
Icha Icha Paradise…. I must take a look.
"Err… sorry." The gift giver explained to his friend.
"That was meant for Kakashi. You get this instead."
Sasuke clutched a small dartboard with glee.
On the bulls eye was pictured one face: Itachi.
Kakashi was next, and he clutched his new book.
"How'd you know?" He just whispered. "I guess I'll take a look."
And with joy in his eye, he found it signed.
"This great gift for me… well, I guess I'm inclined
To give this gift in exchange for your present.
Of course, first you'll need the Hokage's consent."
"Her permission?" Asked Naruto. "Really? What is it?"
"A knife, of a sort. I just hope it will fit."
And the day dragged on by as the gifts were transferred.
And then song busted out, although few knew the words.
Most were drunk out on eggnog or falling asleep,
And so into the party, Red Moons did creep.
-
As Sasuke walked through the snow in the night,
Thinking of dartboards and killing delight.
A voice cracked out open, in the cold of the night
"Foolish little brother… you should stay out of sight."
"Itachi!" The younger boy screamed. "Now you'll die."
The older man laughed. "Fine then. Let's see you try.
Haven't you read the manga? We'll fight soon enough.
And until then, the rest of the fights are all fluff."
"Wait; we'll get to fight? Like for real? No cheating?
No cheap Mangekyo cross-stabby skull beating?"
"That was an awful sentence, foolish little brother.
But one bad rhyme does not, ever, deserve another.
No, I won't spoil how it ends, you can just wait and see.
Besides, if I told you, you would not believe me."
"Well… now what? We can't fight right now; this is filler."
"Well, you know that pink-haired bitch? You wanna kill her?"
-
Pain slid down a chimney, his boots scraping the flue
For what Santa could do, well, Pain could do to.
He stole all the stockings with absolute silence
Then he crept up to their cat, and he made its acquaintance
And he threw their small cat up the chimney, you see,
Then he stole all their presents, and stuffed up the tree.
He stole Christmas pudding, he stole Christmas pocky,
And he even stole their only bottle of Sake.
But that wasn't the end of Pain's mass raging theft;
For he stole all their furniture and art when he left.
Up on top of the roof, Pain found two angry elves,
And five other Santas who made up himselves.
"On to the next house." He announced with great moxie.
"Whose house is up next?" "The Hokage is foxy."
Kisame received seven critical glares.
"She's sixty years old." Pain explained as he stared.
"Now quickly, we hurry, or else we'll be caught.
Spending Christmas in jail, enjoy, I would not."
-
Young Naruto lay in his bed wide awake.
He could not hope to sleep; it was Christmas, goodness sakes.
"Maybe Santa will come soon." He wondered aloud.
"And I can get ramen! I'll save it!" He vowed.
And with loud, awkward scratching, aloud on the roof.
Came the sound of a sleigh, and of sixteen fake hooves.
And quickly, the boy tried to fall down to sleep,
But when that didn't work, he thought he'd take a peep
At the jolly red man and his jolly red coat
And his jolly big beard and a… giant toy boat.
"Ho, ho, ho." Pain cried out, and his voice cracked like thunder.
Merry Christmas to all, now I'll tear you asunder."
"Santa Claus?" Asked the Ninja who stood in the door.
"What the hell are you doing? Where's the food on the floor?"
"Er…" Pain stuttered in shock, knowing that he was caught.
Should I turn myself in? No. I'd sooner be shot.
"See, I tripped on your cookies, and spilled all your milk,
And it spilled on the presents and the bills that you bilked. (AN: That's a real word)
So I thought I'd clean up, wrap your presents anew
And then tomorrow morning, I'll stop in, back through."
"That's fine, Santa Claus. No I really don't care.
I just wondered if you had some ramen to spare."
"Of course I do boy." Pain lied through his teeth.
"Ramen Summon no Jutsu." He sighed with relief.
For before him appeared a small bowl of fresh soup.
Pain carefully sniffed it; it smelled just like poop.
"Here you go, kid, enjoy. But I've got to be going.
I've got places to be, and it might soon start snowing."
Then Pain himself shot up the chimney right quick.
For the moment, he was still thought to be old Saint Nick.
-
As the Uchiha brothers snuck up to a house,
A voice over shoulder did cause them to rouse.
"Who are you?" Asked the elder, now drawing his sword.
"Just a ghost." Answered father. "Mind if I come on board?"
"Dad?" Asked Itachi. "What the hell? Aren't you dead."
"No thanks to you, kiddo." He glared as he said.
"Now let me show you what life used to be like.
Before crazy Itachi with weapons did strike."
"Why are you talking in rhymes?" Sasuke asked.
"Can't you hear narraration?" Fugaku back-asked.
"Anyways, here we are, at the old family home."
Sasuke scowled, and his mouth, it started to foam.
"I remember this night, but was it really Christmas?"
"Yes, he ruined that day." And he sighed. "O' alas."
"I thought it could be a white elephant gift.
Your deaths came with speed, and they all came with thrift."
Itachi explained, with a smile on his face.
"And you know I showed damn cousin Eddy his place."
"Well I can't say I blame you for knocking of him,
But did you really kill all of us on a whim?"
"That's high level spoilers you talking 'bout now, Dad.
If I answered that question, the readers'd be sad."
"Say Itachi?" Asked emo "Where do you get it anyway?"
"The manga? Well, I know, but I really can't say.
Just wait for it to come out in Anime."
"Impressive, three rhymes, but I really must say.
That now the plots lost us, so I really can't stay."
"Goodbye dad." Itachi called out in the snow.
"Say hello to mom for us." "Your mom was a hoe."
-
The next house the sleigh landed on shattered the lights.
The roof then exploded, infested with termites.
"The Aburame clan (dot, dot, dot)" explained Pain
"Are know for their termites, but not for their brains."
"So you're taking the gifts and we're leaving again?"
"No. I'm giving a give, 'cause the Pest man is here."
Pain held up a gas mask and strapped it on tight,
And it clung to his beard, though obscuring his sight.
Then he pulled out his poison and went straight to work
Killing all the clan's bugs with a laugh and a smirk.
But the "Ho, Ho, Ho, die BUGS!" Woke old crazy Shibi
Who gathered his locusts and grinned sorta' creepy.
"Who's killing bugs in this house, I must know!"
He shouted aloud, so Pain muttered "Hello."
"Oh. Santa Claus. Well, that explains quite a bit.
Too bad, though, cause you're in a bit of deep shit.
I was raising those bugs as a gift for my kid.
But I saw all that poison; I know what you did.
So here's your new deal now, take it or leave it;
You give him an ant farm, or else you'll submit
To one year of torture here in my quaint home.
After all, you should do as the Romans in Rome."
Pain gasped out in shock, and he summoned some ants,
Not into an ant farm, but in Shibi's pants.
Then he grabbed all their presents and dashed up the chimney.
"You've got some bad termites. This house is quite flimsy."
-
"You're the ghost of today, then?" Itachi asked quaintly.
"He isn't exactly… entirely saintly.
Sasuke wondered "How can you even be a ghost
When you aren't even dead yet. You just plain aren't toast."
Big brother exchanged a quaint grin with a man
"Jiraiya's just fine, all according to plan."
"So, why are you ghosts showing up all tonight?
Were Uchihas, not Scrooges, and we don't want a fight."
"Well, you're just an emo, so we need to fix that.
Now smile up wide, and put on this dumb hat."
"What the hell's going on here?" Sasuke asked of his fate.
"Were off to Sakura's. Time for your first date."
"No!" Sasuke screamed. "Not a thing could be worse.
Itachi! Please, let this be the end of this verse."
"Sorry, young brother." The older man laughed.
"You got the shorter end of our sibling shaft."
And he struggled and struggle, but to no avail,
He begged, and he pleaded and started to wail.
Itachi held ribbons, and Jiraiya a bow,
And they tied up poor Sasuke, with frillies for show.
"Now you're perfect for her." Old Jiraiya exclaimed.
"And we get great entertainment while you're getting maimed."
Then they carried him up to the door of his fate
And thus began the terror of Sasuke's first date.
-
Pain stole every stocking, he took every tree
He crushed every present, and did it for free.
But by far the meanest thing that he did of all
Was in Tsunade's mansion, alone, in the hall.
He set tacks on the flooring, and glue on the walls,
And he stole all the artwork of Yondaime's great brawls.
Then he filled up the building with his stolen trees.
And cried "Don't worry, Hokage. I know you won't freeze."
And he lit up the building like candles on cake.
Or he tried. Too bad for him that the trees were all fake.
-
"I want to die now." Sasuke cried, so dejected.
"You're just being emo." His brother corrected.
"Now here's Christmas future, and let me tell you.
He's a huge asshole, so you know what to do."
In front of them stood a skeletal figure.
With shining blonde hair and a smiling demeanor.
"Hey, emo, I'm waiting." He called to the boy.
"If you want, I'll spread rumors, your cred to destroy."
"No talking like Yoda!" Itachi yelled loud.
"You sound like a madman. You're drawing a crowd."
"Well, lets go then, you bums. We've got places to be.
Though that place is a graveyard, there's something to see."
So they took Yondaime's hands and the world turned all gold
"What year is this if I might ask and be bold."
"It's just next year, Sasuke." The Hokage noted.
"I'll be dead by next year?" Sasuke asked, and he bolted.
"Get back here you prick." Emo ran, but too slow.
For the Yondaime was quick when he blurred in the snow.
"Read this grave." He commanded, pointing at once place.
And a terrible crossed o'er Sasuke's pale face.
Here lies Sasuke Uchiha, who no longer exists
He died a sad death when he slit both his wrists.
"You cut yourself?" Angrily asked Itachi.
"That's horrible, Sasuke. You're supposed to cut me."
"Well, I have to get practice." Sasuke explained.
"How can I hope to beat you if I can't take pain?
No, I promise I'll stop, but on just one condition.
You have to try out that nightmare in my position."
"You mean date Sakura?" Asked Itachi, dismayed.
"I'd much sooner die than with her to get laid.
Just think to yourself of the shame and disgrace
Of a pink-haired Uchiha staring you in the face."
Sasuke screamed a mad scream as he bolted from bed.
"Wait… was it all a dream? Or did I hit my head?"
And above the sound of a dozen false reindeer
Was the last of Pain-Santa that Sasuke could hear.
-
Pain flew back to Rain in his fake Santa sleigh.
He had left his poor friends at a party that day.
They were all drunk on eggnog, and would get in the way.
So he slapped on the reigns, and he shouted out "Hey!"
And a bunch of strange birds, well, they took to the air.
And were quickly run over by nine angry reindeer.
Pain fell to the streets of the city below,
Where a man in all red pulled him out of the snow.
"From what I hear, Pain, you've been quite very naughty.
Pretending to be a god is especially haughty."
"Since what I put in stockings 's as black as your soul,
Instead I propose a few fistfuls of coal."
In the streets of the Hidden Village of the Leaf,
The true Santa Clause beat up the imposter and thief.
"Now we'll see how you last with all six broken noses.
As I punch out your lights and I stop on your toeses.
Ho, ho, ho merry Christmas, to those who aren't evil all through.
And to those few who are… Santa's coming for you."
Thus, the gifts were returned, and good Christmas restored.
Sasuke in a cold sweat, and Naruto bored.
Pain crying back to his home, beaten up and quite cold.
Remembering all from Santa he'd been told.
Just remember that next time you get in your head
To try and steal Christmas; well, the old Grinch is dead.