Excellent deduction, Moony

by melima8788

In which Remus discovers that nice things happen in dark, dirty, germridden caves, and that tea and chocolate are not necessary components of a Very Good Day.

Summary: Remus Lupin's day had started out with promises of tea and Very Old Books. However, slimey, wet, dirty caves and other distractions derail it, for better or for worse. RL/SB

Authors Note: Slightly inspired by the amazing shoeboxproject Check it out, be a cool kid. You know you wanna.

This is love, isn't it? When you notice someone's absence and hate that absence more than anything? More, even, than you love his presence?
-Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

In five years of living at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Remus J. Lupin had never come across a day that could not be salvaged by a cup of hot tea and some blocks of chocolate. He had not, however, expected to have to salvage his first Saturday off since he returned from Easter break. The O.W.L. examinations had just recently come to an end, and the weather had looked to be the most promising of the past two months. Along with that, the sun was shining, the sky was an entrancing blue, and the house elves had made his favorite Western Three Cheese omelet. It was as if the Gods themselves had looked down upon Remus Lupin in all his shining slumber and thought, 'Let's just give the guy a break here, we'll send his friends off to play in the woods. Make sure there's plenty of sugar and cream, and that spot under the tree he likes reading under, make it dry. Go on, there's a lad.'

Remus had instantly noticed the lack of loud snoring from James Potter's side of the room, Sirius Black's loud breathing, and Peter Pettigrew's constant tossing the moment he woke up. He had allowed himself precisely three minutes to enjoy the silence. It was not that he did not cherish and respect his friends, but Sirius' unbelievable amount of energy directly after exams when any other respectable soul would be sleeping until term let out wore his nerves to a point as ragged as his traveling cloak. He quickly flung back the covers, pulled his favorite green sweater over his head and snatched a Very Old and Boring Book from beside his bed. Sirius had begun to mock him the minute he saw the thing, but what, thought Remus, who absolutely refused to be cowed in this respect, did Sirius, eater of books, know about good literature?

He leapt down the last three stairs in the Gryffindor tower, and barreled through the portrait. The Fat Lady screeched at him as she banged against the wall, but he was too busy trying not to fall down the stairs to listen. He knew, just knew that the quicker he got to breakfast, the quicker he could get to his favorite tree and read. The others would never find him there. Books, book, books. He stabbed an omelet with his fork, and poured some hot water into the mug on the table. Sticking the tea bag in, he began to chew slowly on the omelet. No Peter stealing all my toast, no Sirius sticking nasty things in my tea, no James staring mournfully down the table, yes I love my friends, he repeated to himself firmly. He suspected, however, that at this moment, he loved his omelet and cuppa more. He was half way through beginning to butter his customary slice of toast when the door to the Great Hall banged open noisily. Remus pursed his lips. Sirius, James, and Peter had charged in, in that order, covered in sticks and mud and dead leaves and tracking dirty foot prints all down the wooden floor.

"Moony, old friend, old chap, it's been ages!"

"No, I woke up with you standing over me staring. It's very strange. You should stop doing that." Remus corrected him. Sirius was strange, and seemed to make it his mission in life to frighten his roommates to half to death once a week. Sirius shrugged off his complaint, and sat down with a bang on the wooden bench.

"We've found something that'll catch your eye." Remus looked up at James, worried. James was wearing the same foolhardy grin that currently adorned Sirius' face. That worried him even more, to the point where he failed to notice Peter sneaking the slice of buttered toast from between his fingers.

"What have you gone and done now?" He asked suspiciously. Sirius' face is glowing despite the seven layers of dirt that he has accumulated in the short space of a morning. "We've found a cave."

Had Remus still been holding his toast, it would have fallen from his fingers. "Where have you been, Sirius?"

"In the For—"

"No! Don't tell me. I don't want to know, please. Prefect!" Remus clapped his the palms of his hands tightly over his ears. Sirius calmly pried them off.

"In the Disallowed Forest, sorry. You'll love it. Cave! Dirty things!"

"But Moony doesn't like dir—" Peter protested, crumbs of what had previously been Remus' toast falling from his lips.

"Wormtail, hush. He loves dirt, just doesn't know it yet."

"I think I'd know it after living with you for five years." Remus said dryly. Sirius lifted his jaw proudly, and grinned with the madness that seemed saved especially for those with the last name Black.

"I say we go exploring." He said, tossing a look of disgust over at James. "Hey, Lover Boy, She of the Glistening Hair will still be here when we get back. Talley ho! Pirates! Arrrr!"

"Arrrr…" Said Remus weakly as Sirius leapt over the table and pulled him to his feet. "But I haven't finished my tea!" He protested, getting to his feet.

"Tea is for sallies. I suppose you eat them with crumpets?"

"You know I eat them with crumpets. You're always stealing them from me."

"But never with tea! Off we go!"

"Ay ay, captain!" James tore his eyes away from Ms Lily Evans who was currently enjoying a James-Free leisurely brunch with several other giggling fifth-year girls.

"You know," Sirius said, sidling up to James and draping a dirty sleeve over his shoulders. "I hear she's dating Kingsley Shacklebolt."

"You are a bastard." James moaned, shuffling out the door. "Caves, mate. Dark, and wet, and—"

"Sirius, that's disgusting. Shut up." Sirius flashed another one of his patented grins and pushed open the door to the outside grounds. Remus blinked in the light.

"That's what you get for reading books and drinking tea. Blinded!"

"Only by your stench, Black." Said a surly voice near his elbow.

"That doesn't even make sense—" Peter started. Remus turned to look at him. Peter looked to be as much of a fish out of water outside as Remus did. He was all pale-skin and watery eyes, things not enhanced by the layer of dirt by his nose.

"Snivellus, if blinded by anything, it's the shine from the grease on your nose." James said, although he sounded as if his heart was not quite behind the insult. Snape sneered at him, the corner of his lips lifting as he sloped back towards the castle.

"Where we not in the midst of going spebuck-seplu—"

"Spelunking." Remus corrected, rubbing the edge of his nose with his thumb.

"Spelunking, thank you Moony, can always count on you, I'd teach that creep a lesson."

"Like the one you taught him where you ended up getting a failing grade on your potions grade?"

"Cheap, heartless trick. I wasn't watching. Onward and upward!" Remus found it to be odd that Sirius was more into exploring than hexing Severus Snape, but went on with it anyway. Together they snuck into the forest, with Remus casting wary glances over his shoulder for authority figures that may or may not have a problem with spelunking fifth years that knew better.

Half an hour later there was still no proof of any caves.

"Sirius, how far in here did you go?" Remus swatted a gnat on his neck that had been intent of draining him of his life's blood.

"Oh, a bit here, a bit there. We're almost there. Right guys?"
"Arrr." Said James.

"I thought we took a left at the path back there and then hung a right and went off the trail until we hit the big rock that looked like one of the potatoes in my potato collection." Peter said nervously, his small eyes roving around the murky forest.

"No, that's later. That's another cave."

"Sirius." Remus drew his eyes back to the bobbing head in front of him. "You mean there is more than one cave?"

"I think they connect. Caves! Pirates! Treasure!"

"Bears live in caves."

"So, beat them up or something. Werewolf! Grrr! Oh, here it is."

"You said nothing about connecting caves. What is going on?"

"Apparently Moony has amnesia. Don't you remember what we explored a full week past?" James asked, rubbing his glasses on his robe.

"Apparently not."

"Oh. There are caves. Lots. Okay, two so far. I'm not so sure about there being treasure, that's Padfoot's idea, but there's plenty to see." He tried to flash an exuberant grin at Moony, but it came off as looking like a bent fish with a coat hanger stuck in it. Remus patted him on the shoulder. "Cheer up. She's too young to settle down yet. Plenty of time."

"Cave!" Sirius interrupted, darting off the beaten path and pulling some brush off of what was indeed an average sized (That is, a boy the size of Peter could fit through the maw of it) cave. They gathered around it, and stared in.

"You've all ready been in this one, you said?" Remus asked, looking to Sirius for some confirmation of anything.

"Naw, not this one. I bet it hooks up with the other one." The werewolf set his jaw, and pursed his lips. He reached in to his back pocket, and then gasped.

"I can't go in."

"What? Why not?" Sirius turned on him.

"My wand! I left it at my bed! I didn't think this was a go-back-and-get-my-wand situation!"

"Moony, you have not learned! Everything to do with Yours Truly is a go-back-and-get-your-wand situation." Sirius shook his head admonishingly.

"Oh, well, that settles it then. Can't go. Sorry. I'll just be going now." Remus turned and attempted to scramble back to the path, but his movement was arrested by James.

"Oh no you don't! Cave! Exploring! No books for you, Moony."

"But I haven't got a wand!" He protested, offering his empty hands upwards in protest.

"We do!" Peter said cheerfully.

Remus decided on one last ditch effort. "But we haven't got lunch."

"I brought some toast!" Peter said, reaching into his pockets and pulling out some toast.

"Bugger." Remus said, with heart. He did not want to go into caves. A cave was the antithesis of what today was. Where the sky was pretty, caves were ugly and smelly and wet and gross and let Padfoot make disgusting allusions with them. With no further protestations, they entered the cave. Sirius slid in first with a whoop, James followed with a pirate-like grunt. He had evidently decided that spelunking and making things squish would alleviate the pain of his broken heart. Remus screwed up his eyes before sliding into the hole, and found himself quickly scrambling to escape the rolling ball that was Peter.

The cave was dark. It was smelly. It was wet and slimey and indeed went squish. Remus did not like caves. He did not like things that were dark, wet, or smelly, and anything that squished immediately went off his list of Fun Things To Do. Both Sirius and James lit their wands, revealing what was actually an enormous cave that had all four boys hooting with delight and saying dirty words that would echo back to them, except for Remus, who recited Shakespeare.

"I told you, Moony. I told you." Said Sirius happily, stepping with joy into a puddle. Squish, squish. The squishing of small plants and various puddles of water continued for several minutes, and taking advantage of this, Remus went against his better judgment and began to gravitate towards what he thought was the end of the cave.

It turned out not to be the end of the cave.

It turned out not to be even close to the end of the cave.

It also turned out that spelunking without a light is both inadvisable and highly stupid, because despite the advantage of being a werewolf, it is not always possible to see a rock sitting in front of a very nasty twenty foot drop.

It is also inadvisable to go spelunking with any person(s) named Sirius Black, for they will always, and at the most inadvisable moments, breath in a person's ear causing them to trip over said rock and bring both down a twenty foot drop.

Luckily for both Remus J. Lupin and Sirius Black, it was not a sheer drop. It was instead a very steep drop, steep enough and slick enough (Remus suspected that this was his dreaded adversary, slime). Instead of falling down and breaking every bone in their bodies upon the rock, they rolled down, and bruised every inch of skin on their bodies.

"I hate you." Remus gasped, clutching his ribcage as he writhed on the ground, momentarily winded.

"I…lost…my…wand." Sirius gasped, in very much the same position as his friend.

"Oy! Everything all right down there?"

"James, you sound very, very far away. Don't move. We're lost."

"How far did you fall?" James yelled down at them. Remus could not even make out the haziest line of figure. He knew that this was bad. Very bad.

"Probably far enough to break something." Sirius called back.

"Sirius?" Remus asked, reaching his hand out until it rested on Sirius' nose.

"Yes?"

"How are we going to get out of here?"

"Not a clue." Remus knew that if he could see Sirius' face, that damned grin would be flitting across it. It was probably a very good thing for Sirius that he could not see his face, because otherwise, he would be forced to wipe it off on the floor of the cave.

"I think we're going to need some rope. Or a broom. Or something." Remus said quietly, removing his hand from Sirius' face and setting it in his lap.

"Right you are. First Mate Potter!"

"Aye Aye, Captain!" It never failed to amaze Remus the moral of Sirius' ship. No matter how bad things got—from rainy weather to having been caught by Professor McGongall for what she calls 'lewd and despicable' manner and forced to do two weeks of detention—there was always an immense amount of cheer.

"Rope! Light! You have your mission!"

You're all morons! Remus wanted to yell up at them. This is your fault! Get Professor McGongall! Get Professor Dumbledore! Get Snape! SAVE ME.

It is not that he does not trust his friends, except that sometimes, especially when they are responsible for him sitting in the dark at the bottom of a dank, smelly cave, that he doesn't. James and Peter scrambled off into what Remus knew was now an evil sky, because it was taunting him for being a book lover and preferring the delights of a library to its wide landscape.

"La la la la." Sang Sirius.

"You're tone deaf. Stop that." Remus snapped. Sirius stopped, and Remus could tell from the abruptness (It was, in fact, mid-la) that he was somewhat taken aback.

"What's up?" He asked.

"Just—just don't sing. Don't talk." He would like to talk about his feelings, but he knew that Sirius would mock him, just like he mocked him for reciting Shakespeare while washing hands. "But—no, it's thirty seconds, germs! Gone!" He had protested, and Sirius had merely shaken his head. "Ha! Germs! You've faced many a thing worse than a germ in your five years with me!"

Remus rubbed his face with his hands.

"Why don't you like the dark?" Sirius asked. The constant hum of energy that seemed to emanate from him has stopped for the time being. Instead it is replaced by a boy that Remus cannot see, but that is more than likely staring at him in the complete wrong direction.

"It's dark. I can't see."

"That's all?" Remus heard some pebbles fall onto the ground. "I mean, you're a werewolf. Night is your thing. It doesn't seem to bother you when we're running around…"

"That's the wolf, Sirius. He likes it. I'm afraid of the moon. Have I ever told you that?"

"Well…no. Can't say it's ever come up before in conversation."

"Look—okay. When I was little, when I was bitten, it was nighttime, there was a moon, and it was in a cave." Sirius was silent, and Remus took this as a go ahead.

"Mum had always warned me to stay inside at night, stay in my bed, and if I heard any strange noises, to come wake her. We had been in France for three weeks when, on a night that I was having trouble sleeping—probably because the light of the moon in my room was so bright—I heard whimpering outside."

"You were obviously a very stupid child. No smart Moony there." The petulant Sirius was returning, the one who cracked jokes at subjects that weren't meant to be funny.

"I suppose not," Agreed Remus, nodding his head. "I assumed it was a puppy, and went outside to find it. I chased it to a cave, and the rest is, as they say, history. Hence my dislike of caves."

"How old were you?"

"Oh, seven, I think. Old enough to know better."

"I can't believe you've never talked about this before."

"You never asked." Remus pointed out. Craning his neck to look at nothing, he asked, "How long do you think we've been here?"

"Not very long. Just long enough to discover deep, intimate secrets!" Sirius said cheerfully.

"Your turn then."

"What?"

"Deep, intimate secrets. Do share." Remus said, although he suspected he didn't actually want to know Sirius Black's deepest secrets. He suspected that most of them involved obscene biological acts performed in bathrooms.

"Oh, Moony, you know my deepest, darkest secrets." Said Sirius slyly.

"What a boring life you lead, Padfoot. Boring, boring, boring."

Sirius grew quiet, which Remus took as an "I'm thinking about it so stop goading me. Your nose is big" silence.

"Ah-ha. I have one." He said suddenly.

"I'm game." Remus settled back against the wall.

"I've had a crush on the same person since third year."

"Oh…oh, you did? That's your deepest, darkest secret?"

"Haven't told you who, dear Moony." Remus rolled his eyes, although this was wasted due to the darkness of the cave.

"Who, then?" He heard a rustle of trousers against stone and then two wet lips were pressed against his. Remus started, and then reached forward and drew Sirius back as he started to pull away. The kisses were messy, with too much teeth on his end and too much drool on Sirius' part. It seemed--it seemed like nothing he had ever experienced, yet everything he had all smooshed together in one big giant ball, sitting in a very big whole down a cave.

"I suppose he happens to be five foot nine with brilliant scars?" Remus breathed into Sirius' neck, unable to escape the part of him that craved logic.

"Excellent deduction, Moony." Sirius murmured in return. A light shown down on them and they pulled away, flushing brilliantly and staring around.

"Mr. Black and Mr. Lupin!" said the shrill voice of Professor McGonagall. Sirius peered up at her.

"Professor! My plan worked! I knew if I was to fall in this great, horrible pit that your undying devotion to me—"

"Save it, Mr. Black. Take hold of the rope and then follow me out."

Once outside, Professor McGongall stared them down. Her eyes darted from the dirt smudged on Sirius' face to the flushed lips twitching on Remus' face.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor, I think." She said softly. James and Peter exchanged looks. "And five to Mr. Lupin for finally teaching Mr. Potter some new vocabulary words." She gave Remus a look that clearly told him "I do not approve of you going into the Forbidden Forest, but I applaud you for finally being true to yourself because I have not been a teacher for forty years not learned in that time to recognize students after a life changing moment." Remus smiled guiltily at her, having understood every single nuance in her glance. She turned on her heel and motioned them to follow her out. He decided that perhaps today wasn't a day that needed to be salvaged. He would save the tea for later.