"If you ask me, this is a complete waste of time - I've had no signals for the last half hour" said Ianto
"Yeah, well we didn't ask you - did we?" replied Owen through his comms.
Ianto looked again at the tracking device in his hands. 'Not a beep' he thought to himself.
Torchwood had been following up a police report regarding animal attack (presumed to be weevils) in the area. Jack had wanted the whole team out - partly to field test the new tracking software Toshiko had developed and partly because this particular weevil had been giving them the run-around for weeks. Ianto had been ordered to coordinate from the SUV and he was now thoroughly bored. He pressed his earpiece again.
"Jack - if this is heat sensitive - shouldn't I be seeing four signals from you lot?"
"Erm- Tosh?" replied Jack
"Yes - all heat signals within a one mile radius" she replied
"Damn thing's broken - like I said half an hour ago, I'm picking up absolutely fuck all. Come back aaaaaarrrgghhhhhhhh!"
"Ianto?" said Jack "Come on, I need to hear those beautiful Welsh vowels!"
Ianto gasped for breath and was rewarded with a mouthful of mud he struggled to move. A weight was pinning his chest down. The weight suddenly shifted and Ianto pushed himself around to see the biggest weevil of his career snarling at him. It approached slowly, sniffing the air. It paused for a second as if thinking, before kneeling down before him. Ianto tried desperately to scrabble away. He hit his earpiece but got no response. The weevil crawled closer to him, breathing in his scent.
'I'm dead' thought Ianto.
The weevil lurched towards him. Ianto closed his eyes and held his arm to his face, desperately shielding himself from the forthcoming attack. As his arm was flung away from him, his life flashed before his eyes.
Ianto was most surprised when he felt something soft pressed against his lips. He tried pulling back but someone grabbed his head and held it still. A tongue an across his lips and he parted them automatically. A tongue met his, stroking gently around his mouth, finding his sensitive spots as a hand ran smoothly over his chest.
'If this is heaven' he thought 'I'm glad I'm dead.'
Ianto reciprocated in the kiss fully. His tongue explored the new mouth, a moan of pleasure escaped from its owner, jolting Ianto back to his senses. He pushed his assailant away.
"What the fuck?" Ianto screamed as the weevil jumped back on him. Their mouths met again, is time Ianto only struggled for a minute before giving into those tender lips again. He felt soft hands stroking down the sides of his body, hips were ground into his and he moaned in appreciation.
"IANTO!" screamed a frantic Jack through his earpiece. "Are you okay? We can't get back to you – there's a ring of weevils surrounding us. Can you drive the SUV over? They might scatter from the noise. Ianto? IANTO?"
Ianto was currently engrossed in the hand ripping open his shirt and failed to hear his captain's cries. The hand moved down his bare chest, claws brushing his nipples. Ianto hissed and arched into the touch. The weevil moved down and began rubbing against Ianto's bulging erection. It let out a satisfied moan and tried to rip open the offending material of Ianto's suit trousers to no avail. She pulled back and stared into Ianto's eyes for a long minute. Ianto felt the intensity of her gaze. They lay there panting for what seemed like hours before Ianto reached down gingerly and unbuckled his belt before sliding down his zipper and freeing his straining cock. There was an unspoken communication between them of need and touch. The weevil pushed up onto her hand and Ianto took the lead. He pushed down the material of pyjama like trousers and rolled them over so he was on top of her before stretching for another deep kiss.
"Ianto!" said Jack again "Can you hear me? The weevils have stopped moving but we can't get back to you. Are you there?"
The comm unit fell from Ianto's ear uselessly as he stroked the weevil's thighs and kissed down her throat. His fingers probed uselessly searching for her entrance. He looked up and raised an eyebrow. The weevil rolled her eyes and took his hand, raising it slightly.
"Sorry" said Ianto – "It's usually lower down that that."
The weevil grabbed his shoulders and rolled him over impatiently. Ianto grabbed her hips as she rose above him, guiding down as she slid down his length fully, hissing.
"Fuck that's tight"
The weevil hissed again, looking Ianto in the eye before she rose up on her knees and slammed down on him hungrily.
"Jack" said Owen "Have you noticed something weird?"
"What – you mean other than we are completely surrounded by a pack of Weevils who appear to have no intention of attacking us?" he replied sharply, worried about Ianto.
"Yes – they're all female!"
"How can you tell?" asked Gwen
"Trust me – I've cut enough of them up to tell the difference.
"That is unusual" said Toshiko "All packs we've encountered before have been roughly equal mixtures of Male and Female"
"What the hell is going on?" whispered Jack. He tapped his earpiece once more. "For the love of god Ianto, answer me. IANTO!!"
Ianto was building steadily to a climax. The weevil had quickened her pace with a series of guttural moans and Ianto's hips bucked meeting her thrust for thrust. He finally let go and let the waves of pleasure rush over him, shuddering and stilling finally as the Weevil above him howled and shuddered around him.
"Wow" he said breathily as the weevil stood and rearranged her rumpled clothing. She shuffled away a few feet and crouched down, looking at Ianto coyly. Ianto slowly came back to his senses and tucked himself back in his trousers, giving his torn shirt up as a lost cause. He walked cautiously towards the weevil, crouching level with her and put out a hand to touch her arm. She snarled at him but remained where she was.
"OK that was weird." He said as he walked back over towards the car looking for his earpiece. He found it lying in a pool of mud, useless. "Great – something else to put on my expense account along with a new suit." He laughed suddenly, almost hysterical at the thought of doing an expense account. He had just had sex with a weevil. A filthy, stinking, lives in the sewers weevil. An alien weevil. A fucking weevil!" He jumped and spun round as someone tapped him on the shoulder. He found the weevil looking at him almost expectedly. She growled softly and nodded towards the SUV.
"If you think I'm giving you a lift home, you've got another think coming love". The weevils sighed and did a series of hand motions which Ianto deciphered to mean she wanted to be tied up and taken back to the hub. He took out the cuffs and hood and held them up. She jumped up and down impatiently as he hurried to put them on and then sedated her. He could hear voices from the other side of the hill. The team must be returning. He hoisted the weevil onto his shoulder and drew his gun, trying to look as if he was going to save the team.
"Ianto thank god" said Gwen
"Why the hell weren't you answering your comms?" said Jack angrily as they mounted the summit and took in the sight of him. Ianto's shirt was ripped open and he was covered in mud, a huge weevil draped over his shoulder. Jack and, of all people, Tosh seemed to be eyeing him up appreciation.
"Love the look Ianto" said Jack as Tosh looked away blushing.
"Ha bloody ha, you could say 'Thanks for catching the weevil for us while we all had a nice walk in the park Ianto' for a start."
"For your information, we were surrounded by the bloody creatures for nearly half an hour – I was just coming up with a clever plan that involved using Jack as a battering ram on them and then pushing the girls over as bait before running for my life when they all upped and went."
"You wouldn't have?" said Gwen, turning on Owen
"Course not" he grinned. "Just Jack – I would have let you two run for it as well."
Jack laughed. "Well done Ianto – thank you for capturing the weevil"
"All in the line of duty sir – can we get her in the SUV now though? She is quite heavy."
"How do you know it's a her?"
Ianto froze for a second before saying "I've corrected enough of Owen's autopsy reports to know the difference.
Jack laughed again as they bundled the weevil into the SUV and headed back to the hub.
TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW
Four hours later
"So Ianto" said Jack "Have you come up with a name yet? You caught her – your choice."
"How about Janet? I used to like reading the Janet and John books when I was about 5"
"Okay then. Owen how is she?"
"Oh perfectly healthy but you'll never guess what." Replied Owen wearily.
"What?" asked Jack
"Bloody thing's pregnant."
There was a crash from behind them and four members of Torchwood turned to see Ianto passed out on the floor.
TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW
In the cells, Janet smiled to herself. 'Time to start the new race' she thought as all over Cardiff howls of joy went up from the sewers.