Title: Stepping Into Dusk
Author: WildCherry45 (Janet)
Author's Email: tangledwebawardsyahoo.com
Notes: Post-Season 1
Spoilers: Some references to Season 1
Disclaimer: I own nothing. WB & Company own all. Oscar Wilde owns 'Les Silhouettes'.
--
And overhead the curlews cry,
Where through the dusky upland grass
The young brown-throated reapers pass,
Like silhouettes against the sky.
--
She still remembers.
Perhaps, that's her biggest fault. The fact that she still remembers. Maybe, it would be better if she forgot. Maybe, it's better that way. It would be easier. But, alas, she doesn't. Her name is Haley James and she no longer believes in maybes.
They talk about her, this she knows. To her face, they're always all smiles, sympathy, and encouragement, draining her of every ounce of gossip they can receive. But, behind her back, they claw her with betrayal. Judging her, stabbing her with their poisonous words.
Hypocrites, she would say. Why should they assume that they know the answers to the world when they've never experienced anything. And, she is right. They are hypocrites and they have never experienced her life.
And, what a life that was.
Nonconformist. It wasn't a word she would use to describe herself personally but it is one that many have used to describe her. When they do, she simply laughs with force and then turn away. Some memories are too painful to stir once again. It is ironic, however, that those are the ones that always seemed to plague her mind.
Memories. So many of them flow through her, like a neverending river. At times, they are rough, crashing through her, touching everything in between. Sometimes, she wishes she doesn't remember at all but denial never sat well with her. And so, she remembers. Pain and all.
But, some memories are not so bad. They do not hurt as much though they tend to lead to ones that hurt the most. She remembers Lucas, her childhood best friend. The one that she would run to and would protect her. It wasn't until the day he left, she realized how much he protected her and how crucial a best friend's position was. Because, after he left, it seemed things began to fall apart, one by one. Relationships, friendships, they all tore at the seams. And, she, Haley James, was left broken, fallen and alone with no one to pick her up.
Lucas didn't come back like he said he would, at least, not for her. Never for her. When he finally returned one day, she was already gone. There was no coming back in her case.
Coward. It is what they call her back home. Maybe, it's because she left. Maybe, it's because they don't understand. Maybe, it's because they're right. To this day, she still does not know the answer. A large part of her remains confused and there is no one there to explain.
She feels alone sometimes but she likes it that way. If no one is let in, then no one will have the ability to hurt her. Twisted logic to the minds of most but to the broken hearted, it is the only thing that holds an ounce of sense.
Sometimes, when she thinks back, she realizes things did not start to fall apart after Lucas left. It was simply a catalyst. He is not to blame though it would be easier that way. Simplicity is something she has grown up with and is therefore used to. It is the reason why she craves it so desperately when it is gone and why when it first began to fade, she welcomed it.
Complication. It was something that was foreign to her before she entered high school. Things had been easier before then. Her childhood years exceeded beyond those of normality and she remained innocent until her second year in high school. Then, everything changed. She had lost her innocence but still remained somewhat naïve, wanting an easy fix to the many problems arising in every aspect of her life.
Growing up, she had always been somewhat insecure as her parents focused more on her older siblings then her. It was as if they were drained and had just given up. She had strived so hard to be a good daughter, a child that any parent would be proud of but at times, it felt pointless and she found herself asking what seemed like a simple question.
Does it even matter?
They wouldn't notice anyway.
Lucas and Karen had been the only stable thing in her life and she found solace in that. She knew that her best friend would always be there for her. That changed as well. And, her insecurities grew.
She met Nathan in a time where she thought her loyalties were concrete and that she, herself, would be unaffected. She thought she would be strong enough to resist the charms of Nathan Scott. She thought she would be helping her best friend. She was wrong. Yet, in some aspects, she was right.
Nathan was something new, someone who she was not certain of. He hurt her and confused her but made her so unbelievably happy at the same time. She didn't want to lose that.
At a time where everything in everyone's life was beginning to fade away, she realized the urgency in her situation. She could lose Nathan. She had already lost Lucas, someone who she considered rock solid stable. And yet, at the next moment, he was gone.
She was weak, uncertain, and she knew that she did not want to lose Nathan. So, she binded herself to him. Legally. The blissful aftermath lasted two weeks. And, then, it stopped.
She would be lying if she said that it was all her parent's fault or all his parent's fault. Their furiousness at she and Nathan's impulsiveness was only a small factor towards the deciding end result. It was all them. She and Nathan.
She realized that yes, she was in love. But, would it last an eternity like she promised? Would it even last a lifetime? She was only 16. She had her whole life ahead of her and her future was still waiting. Thus, she panicked. And, she regrets it sometimes.
She went to her parent's house, a place she used to consider her own home. It wasn't anymore though. Her home was at Nathan's apartment now. And, that scared her even more. After her epiphany, she made a deal with her parents and they accepted.
Her marriage was annulled on terms that she was underage. A minor that received no legal parental consent. Then, she left before any arguments or trouble could stir. She left Tree Hill. And, she left Nathan.
He never knew about it until afterwards. She didn't tell him.
Through the annulment proceedings, she convinced him it was what she did not want and that it was all her parent's idea. And, he believed her because he loved her. Because, he trusted her. And, because she had never lied to him before. She was the only stable thing in his life. It is a shame that he wasn't hers.
That day, when she left, he was at the gym and she was supposed to be out buying groceries. But, instead, she left and never came back.
Some say it was wrong what she did.
Maybe, they're right. But, she was young, confused and she panicked. She did not want to sign her future away. She did not want to be a 16 year old housewife, trapped at home with kids, dreaming of a future that was once hers but was destroyed by her own impulsiveness and stupidity. So, she chose to erase her past.
She made a decision and dealt with the repercussions. Right or wrong is simply a point of view. She does not claim to take a moral high ground and laughs at those who do. She pities them now because she remembers how she was once like that. She once thought she was a good person and that complications were created by those who deserved them. She once thought that she would know exactly what to do in every situation created by her over imaginative mind. But, things never turn out the way she expected them to and when her particular situation presented itself, she did exactly what she promised herself she wouldn't do. She gave up. She ran away.
She no longer trusts herself. Now, she only watches. She is shut off from the world. Perhaps, she is recovering. Perhaps, she is mending.
To the onlookers, she is just a silhouette, trapped in memories, the consequences of her decisions, and her own mental purgatory.