Priorities
In the 3D Realms, the Duke waits.
At least he's supposedly waiting. Because after twelve years of inaction apart from the odd outing, he's done nothing. Nothing but sit with a weight in his hand, an even larger pair behind him. Gone are the days of the heavy hitter, the macho, the hero. Now all he does is sit...and lift a weight.
You could say he's preocupied with the idea.
In the outside world, things are changing. Another race of aliens has arrived who, like all their predecessors, are intent on causing general mayhem. Or enslavement. Or abduction. Something like that. That's what aliens are for, right? Something to shoot at, for humanity to fight the good fight while delivering snazzy one-liners?
Maybe. With an alien swinging his gun around on the streets instead of firing it, it's hard to tell.
The Duke is still there. Sitting, but not like a raven on a chamber door. He's not a bird for starters. He has dark sunglasses, is blonde and despite a limited vocabulary, is still capable of saying things other than "nevermore." But maybe that's all he should say. Never more will he venture out into the world of videogaming. Never more will he fight yet another race of alien invaders with the same motives as all the other alien invaders. No, he's got his own priorities. And right now, continuing to lift a weight while smoking a giant cigar is among them.
Not even the scream of a squid-like alien that looks like a Reaver from Gears of War can distract him.
He is there. Still is sitting. Sitting as the years go by. Sitting as a pig-like alien roars amongst the bodies of its foes in macho-style. Sitting as the human race falls to a tide of invaders like all the other tides of invaders that have come before. But suddenly, something changes. He drops the weight.
In a world away, an alien writhes in pain in some kind of electric trap. That's the shockwaves that come from dropping a bar of metal, the kinetic energy transferred into that of the electric kind...or something. Hey, since when did the laws of physics have to be obeyed anyway?
And now he is standing. Actually standing. Not sitting, not lying, not whatever he's (not) done for over a decade. Has something changed? Has he decided to kick some alien rear and save some babes? Did the guitar riff snap him to his senses? Or after all that time of lifting weights, did he feel the need to crack his knuckles?
Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe it's best to ask where the hell the music is coming from, how the Duke is able to blow out smoke from his cigar in the shape of a nuclear fallout sign and why a tatterred American flag appears with the words Duke Nukem Forever on it. Well, maybe that isn't worth asking about. "Forevever" seems like an appropriate title for an outing over a decade in the making and alien invasions always seem to be focusses in the United States. That's Hollywood for you. So is the following line...
"I'm looking for some alien toilet to buck my bricks," says the Duke. "Who's first?"
No-one answers. Strange that. But no need to fear. They'll come...
After all, in the Duke's absence, there's certainly no lack of extra-terrestrials to choose from...
A/N
Yes, this is based on the teaser released for Duke Nukem Forever. A game that's been in production for as long as that is just begging to be satirized...