Disclaimer: They aren't mine. I'm only borrowing them for the time being and they will be returned unharmed.
Rating: NC-17 for various sexual acts, both pleasant and unpleasant.
A/N: Lots and lots of Mulder and Scully angst. Lots and lots of unpleasant things like rape and that sort of stuff. Please don't read if you don't like this sort of thing. You have been warned. And I'm also warning you that there will be eventual MSR (Mulder/ Scully Romance) so don't read if you don't like it. It also has mention of SSR (Skinner/ Scully Romance), but only in passing.
Also, the story was named after an Avril Lavigne song, just in case you were wondering.
It's broken up by day, so some chapters are really short while others are really long.
And many, many thanks to my mom who gave me the idea. Lots of love. Also much thanks to Sally, Davey's dog, who is the nicest dog ever and sits there looking sweet so I have to pet her instead of writing.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, August 2
0800
Mulder and Scully's Office
"Mulder, it's August."
"So?"
"So I'm not going to a desert. And that puppy dog face isn't going to work"
Mulder flashed a small grin. "It was worth a shot."
Scully didn't say anything as she continued to work on the field report from their last case. It wasn't hard. Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary had happened; another reason that she didn't want to fly across the country. There hadn't been a single case that had actually turned out to be an X-File in the past two or three months.
"Aww, come on Scully. It'll be fun."
"Whining isn't going to help you," Scully replied, not bothering to look at Mulder.
"I thought that you would jump at the chance to discover a new species of plant," Mulder said.
At this Scully could help turning around and looking Mulder in the eyes as she replied, "It is impossible to have a plant that can get up and kill people. The laws of physics-"
"That's the point!" Mulder said excitedly. "It's impossible!"
Scully sighed and turned back to her computer. "No."
"What if it's too late?"
She turned around again. "How can it be too late?"
Mulder sheepishly held out two tickets. "The flight leaves at noon."
"Noon?" Scully yelled. "So you're saying I have an hour to get ready to leave for who knows how long on a trip to the desert?"
"Well, yes, actually."
Scully glared at him and stood up, grabbing her purse and jacket as she stormed out of the office.
"Scully, wait! Where are you going?" Mulder asked after her.
"To pack." The reply was icy enough to cool them down quite enough for the desert.
Mulder sighed. At least she was coming.
Wednesday, August 2
1600
Southwest Airlines Airplane
It was four o'clock and they had been on the plane for the past three and a half-hours, which left about that much to go. Mulder had tried to get a conversation going but Scully hadn't responded and eventually she had put her headphones on. Mulder actually didn't mind all that much because they were on very loud and he could clearly hear Bruce Springsteen seeping out from her headset.
But he was getting bored.
Mulder lightly tapped Scully on the shoulder.
She took one headphone off. "What?"
"I'm bored." As soon as he said it, he realized that it came out as a whine. Smooth, Mulder.
It was obvious that Scully was annoyed. "You should've brought something to do."
"Can't we just talk?" That was better. Not whining as much.
Scully sighed and took her headphones off the rest of the way and put her Walkman back in her bag. "About what?"
"I dunno. What do we usually talk about?"
Scully smiled slightly. "Bigfoot."
Mulder's face lit up. "Actually, now that you mention it, there was a sighting down in Florida."
"Then why on earth aren't we in Florida?"
"Because I thought that you'd be more interested in killer plants than Bigfoot considering that the case before the last one was Bigfoot."
"In general I'd agree with you but not when the killer plants are in the middle of the desert in August. Please tell me we won't be camping."
"Uhhh . . ."
Scully groaned. "You're hopeless."
"When in Rome-"
"When in Rome you find a hotel so you won't be any more uncomfortable than you usually would be and so you'll be safe from rattle snakes, tarantulas and various other desert wildlife."
"Rome isn't in the desert."
"You'll be paying my medical bill if something happens to me because of something in the desert."
"I know."
"And the car that we rent better have air conditioning."
Mulder smiled. Finally something that he could do. "I promise."
Scully managed a small smile back. "Thank you."
"Scully? Is there any particular reason why you've been so touchy about going to the desert?"
"You've been waiting until I'm in a relatively good mood to ask that, haven't you?"
"Bingo."
"Well, actually, yes, there is a particular reason."
"What would that be?"
Scully was silent for a few minutes as she thought about how to tell her story. "Something bad once happened to me in a desert," she finally said.
"What?" Mulder asked, very concerned. He rarely had to drag something out of her and when he did, it was usually extremely bad.
Again, she took a while to answer. Eventually she replied, "It's not important."
Mulder's brow furrowed. Obviously it was important but if she really didn't want to tell him, he wouldn't make her. Not yet. "If you ever want to tell me, I'm here."
Scully nodded and turned so she was facing the window. Mulder watched her watch the sky for a while until he finally dropped off. He had, after all, been awake since about two-thirty.
Wednesday, August 2
1930
Southwest Airlines Airplane
"Mulder. Mulder, you have to get up." Mulder groggily opened his eyes and looked at Scully.
"We're there?"
"Almost," she replied. "Were you really asleep for the whole time?"
Mulder looked very confused. "Yeah, why?"
"No reason." Scully turned back to the window.
"Scully, what's going on?"
"Someone was screaming," she said vaguely.
"What? Who? Why?"
She shrugged. "Nightmare, probably."
Mulder studied her. She still wasn't facing him, a sure sign that she was lying. Or omitting certain truths. Mulder would've bet anything that it was Scully who had the nightmare. He also would've bet that it had been about whatever happened in the desert.
"Are you ok?" he asked.
"I'm fine, Mulder."
Mulder sighed. "If you ever want to talk, I'm here."
Scully didn't say anything. Normally Mulder would've just let it go, but he was worried.
"Scully? Did you hear me?"
After a few moments, she replied, "What?"
"I said that if you need someone to talk to, I'm always here."
"Yeah, I know."
"Are you sure?" Mulder pressed. "Because I'm really-"
"I know!" she snapped.
Mulder sighed. At least he had gotten a reaction out of her. "Ok," he said softly. "Just as long as you know."
She gave no sign of hearing him.
Wednesday, August 2
2100
Mulder's Rented Car
Mulder stifled a yawn. He and Scully had been interviewing witnesses for the past three hours and there wasn't one overlapping story. The only thing that he was sure about was that there was definitely something wrong with Scully. With every interview she got quieter and quieter until one of the interviewees, Laura Anders, asked if she was all right. Scully assured her that she was ok and hadn't said anything since.
At least they were on the way to the camp sight. It was only nine, but the time difference made it like twelve for Mulder and Scully. Mulder glanced over at his partner. She was already asleep. He smiled slightly to himself. Hopefully she'd feel better once she'd slept some.
But I have to set up the tent myself, Mulder thought to himself. Oh well. He pulled into a spot in an entirely empty parking lot and got out. He dragged the tent over to the nearest camp sight and started to try to set it up. A few minutes later he heard Scully walk up behind him.
"Mulder, it's almost impossible to set one of those up by yourself."
He turned around, letting go of the pole that he had been wrestling with. The tent collapsed. "Well I didn't want to wake you up."
Scully smiled slightly and Mulder let out a mental breath. Apparently he had been right about her sleeping. "Let me help," she said and began to set up the tent. They finished in what Mulder thought was a remarkably short time.
"Thanks," he said when they were done.
"Where's the other one?" Scully asked. Mulder looked blank. "The other tent . . . Please tell me you brought two."
"Well . . ." Mulder saw panic briefly cross Scully's face and then disappear. But it was obvious that she was fighting hard to keep her emotions under control.
"Oh," she said in an unnaturally high voice. "Ok. I'll sleep in the car."
Mulder walked over to her and she walked backwards until she was against the car. He stopped a few feet in front of her. "Scully, whatever happened in the desert, I swear won't happen again. You're safe. You can trust me."
"I know I can," she said in between deep breaths. She closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them, she appeared much calmer. "I know I can," she repeated. "I just can't share a tent with you."
"We have separate sleeping bags if that helps," Mulder informed her.
A shadow of a smile briefly crossed her face. "Thanks, but I'll be fine in the car. And don't bother suggesting you take it because I'm much smaller than you and will be more comfortable."
"If you're sure . . ."
This time her smile was larger and stayed longer. "I'm sure. Now let me help you unpack."
Wednesday, August 2
2130
Mulder's Tent
Mulder was lying on his back in his tent thinking about Scully. He hated to see her this uncomfortable but he didn't know how to help her. Obviously trying to get close to her only made things worse, but being far away certainly wouldn't get them anywhere.
But he had an idea about what might have happened to Scully. It wasn't likely. It seemed absurd in fact and he would've instantly dismissed it but he couldn't. Because she wouldn't share a tent with him.
Mulder shook his head and rolled over. Whatever it was, she would eventually tell him, of that he was sure. All he had to do was wait.
Mulder had just fallen asleep when he heard Scully scream. He instantly ran out of the tent and to the car. Scully was curled into a ball in the back seat shaking. Crying, he realized. Mulder tried to open the door but found it locked. Of course, he though to himself. Scully wasn't stupid enough to leave the car door unlocked. He knocked on the window.
"Scully!" he yelled.
She looked up with wide eyes that were streaming tears. She relaxed visibly when she saw who was there and wiped her eyes as she unlocked and opened the door. Mulder slid in next to her.
"Scully, what's wrong?" He moved closer to her and tried to put his arms around her but she jerked away.
"Nightmare," she said in a surprisingly calm voice. "Just a nightmare. I'll be fine."
"Are you sure?" he asked, concerned.
She nodded. "Go back to sleep."
Mulder looked astounded. "You must be insane. I'm not letting you stay alone."
"Sitting next to me and making me more nervous than I would be if you were farther away isn't going to help me sleep better," Scully replied.
"Why would me being farther away help?" Mulder asked.
"I can only sleep alone," she answered.
"Why?" Mulder pressed.
"It doesn't concern you."
"It obviously does because we've come to a standstill about where I'm going to sleep," Mulder insisted.
"No we haven't. You're going to go back to your tent and sleep there and I'm going to stay here and sleep in the car," Scully explained patiently.
"But I don't want to leave you alone," Mulder said, almost whining.
"That's too bad. I'm never going to sleep with you near me."
"Why?" Mulder repeated.
"No matter how many times you ask me that I'm not going to tell you."
Mulder sighed and reached out to Scully again. This time he pulled her into his arms. She stiffened but eventually relaxed as he started to stroke her hair. "What happened, Scully? What happened in the desert?" She didn't answer him and didn't move closer, but she didn't pull away, either. "Dana," he whispered in her ear after she didn't say anything for about five minutes, "Did someone hurt you?" Scully stiffened at the sound of her first name.
"Mulder . . ." Scully replied, trying to pull away.
Mulder only tightened his grip on her. "Someone did, didn't they? Scully, did they rape you?"
"LET ME GO!" Scully yelled and wrenched herself out of his arms, backing up against the door of the car. She was very close to hyperventilating and very close to slamming her head on the door.
"Scully, breath," Mulder said, trying to stay calm himself. He was right, that much was obvious. But he didn't know what to do now. He moved away from her so they were both backed against the doors. He wanted to give her room but he had no plans of leaving any time soon.
Scully struggled to get herself under control. They sat in silence for an undeterminable stretch of time until Scully finally said, "I'm sorry."
"You're sorry?" Mulder asked incredulously. "What on earth do you have to be sorry about?"
She opened her mouth to reply but couldn't come up with anything to say. She closed it again and smiled ever so slightly. "I don't know," she said sheepishly. "Maybe for not telling you when you first asked."
"That's ok," Mulder replied, shaken. But he wouldn't let it show, not until he was alone. "You never have to tell me anything until you're ready."
"I know." There were a few more minutes of silence.
"Scully?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you tell anyone?" he asked.
Scully looked surprised. "Of course. I informed the police immediately and he's now in jail." She paused, then added, "Well, I assume he is. It happened three years ago and I have no interest in seeing him ever again."
"Three years ago?" Mulder asked incredulously. "I knew you three years ago. We were friends three years ago." He was obviously very hurt.
"I know, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell you," she explained. "It was right around the first time you saw Samantha's clones and you needed me to be there for you. You needed me to be the strong one."
Mulder sighed loudly and started to move towards Scully again but thought better of it and leaned back against the door. "Never, ever, think that you can't tell me something. I'm always here for you. Even if I'm having my own problems, I'm still there. I need you to know that. No matter what's going on you can always tell me anything, especially something that important."
"I know that now," she replied. "But then we'd only been together for two years and even though I trusted you, we weren't on the level that we are now."
Mulder started to move towards her again, but again held back. "Can I hold you?" he asked.
Scully bit her lip in indecision. "Ok," she finally said and moved across the backseat to settle in Mulder's arms. He pulled her against his chest and let her adjust so she was curled up in his lap. He gently stroked her hair and didn't say anything. They stayed like that for a while until Mulder fell asleep.