Altered
By Michaela Wills
I am finally, for the first time in days, alone. Almost. This solitude during the deepest part of the night is necessary. Staring out the window, I sniffle to hold back my tears. The others are all asleep. It took every bit of subterfuge I could bring to bear to exaggerate yawning through the early evening and letting my eyes droop until Fye-san gently shuffled me off to bed. It was not a long time, according to the clock, but it felt endless waiting for the others to go to bed and fall asleep. When Syaoran-kun was totally asleep, I got up and stood a long time with my ear near Syaoran-kun's mouth just to make sure. He is very much asleep.
But I didn't try to leave the room. I know better than that after watching Syaoran-kun developing his skills. If I tried to leave, Syaoran-kun's fighter instinct would kick in if any of the wood creaked or if the wind blew just the wrong way. Plus anything that would wake Syaoran-kun would definitely wake Kurogane-san in the next room and I really don't want that. They can sense when something is wrong. So instead I tuck myself up in the open window on the sill with a blanket and let silent tears trickle as quietly as I can. It's the closest thing to solitude I'll get.
We found another feather today.
Another feather means another set of memories. I gently touch my chest, where the warmth from the last feather heated my body, melting through clothes and skin like snow. My body, like last time, feels electric still and has felt so for the last few hours as the old mingles with what is new within me. It's something like ice cubes melting and tempering the flavor in a glass of juice.
I puff out a quick breath of frustration. I think I hate this time of reconciling. My mind is too full of thoughts and feelings, many of which melt smoothly together, like thoughts about my brother, Yukito-san, and my father. But sometimes the melting is not smooth and with this new feather I had one realization that caused me to need and formulate my plan for late-night solitude.
With each new feather, old memories web with other old memories, filling in the gaps in my past. The open spaces are still frustrating. When I "melted" with my last feather, I remembered a lovely breezy afternoon at an oasis with my brother and Yukito. There was the smell of greenery, the feel of soft, fine sand and the coarse picnicking blanket I brought to sit on. I remembered the insects at the oasis and the small noises that they made, along with Yukito-san's gentle laughter. I remembered everything, everything except what I prepared for lunch for everyone, which my brother had told me tasted bad and Yukito-san told me not to mind Toya because it was very good. When the melting of my memories was complete, that detail was still no where within me.
It took me three days to stop trying to remember when no one was watching.
This feather, miraculously, provided me with the answer: sandwiches, a carefully packed fruit salad, and pastries (from the castle cook). However, the new feather also supplied me with better recollection of the conversation, particularly an argument between my brother and someone I can't recall. That is very frustrating.
Most of the old memories don't interrupt anything of the new memories I have made since waking up. My brother and Yukito-san aren't around to have changed or contradict my memories. They are safely in the past and don't have any effect on what I think or do with Fye-san, Makona, and Kurogane-san. I miss my brother and his rough comfort, Yukito-san and his gentle reassurances, and others more and more as I remember things, but the missing them had always been there.
I hope that by the time they, my true brother and Yukito-san, do see me, I will be suitably altered back to my truest self. They aren't around to tell me about stupid things I did or tease me about my current timidity and that's a relief. My memories and my heart tell me that I'm not a shy or timid person; however, I can't bring myself to be any more outgoing, I shy behind Fye-san and Syaoran-kun for comfort with strangers in each new world we visit, even though it's getting easier.
It's better traveling with new friends like Kurogane-san and Fye-san, since they have no impressions of me for my shyer self to contradict. They didn't know the little girl in my memory that laughs loudly, runs at top speed and talks to everyone on the street fearlessly. As far as they know, I probably have always been a little shy.
But Syaoran-kun…
It took a while for me to notice it and then a little while longer for me to understand it. The fleeting, desperately buried hope hidden deep in Syaoran-kun's eyes with every feather. He alone remembers me from before. He alone is my sanctuary and my link between my personal past and present. He alone is disappointed and frustrated with me when each feather fails to bring me more close to what I should be.
He never says anything, but he knows me from before. He belonged to the world where I have memories that don't mix with our current, world-jumping life. He knew me in full blossom of personality, not this shy, pale (but growing better every day!) shadow of myself. He dies a little, deep inside, every time I fail to smile the way he expected at something or reacted with surprise to something he expects I know.
He tries not to, he tries to hide it. Like when he brought home apple pie for me and I didn't recognize it. Fye-san helped that night, insisting we all sit down and eat it right away. Syaoran-kun definitely cheered up watching as everyone (except Kurogane-san) ate the dessert with delight. There was relief in his eyes when I told him it was my new favorite.
It was with this most recent feather I discovered it was my favorite before too.
I'm trying my best, but there's so much lost in the recesses of so many worlds. I fear we may never find them all. I keep these thoughts to myself, for the moments like this when I'm alone. The others all see it in my eyes and it depresses them, particularly Syaoran-kun. I have disappointed him from the start. I saw the disappointment in his eyes when I didn't know him and as far as the memories from my past are concerned, I still don't although I know I should.
Not only do I depress him as well as delight, he is… different to me too.
I have felt this before. I have known this feeling, the feeling I get for and with Syaoran-kun alone, most of my life. That feeling and the missing my brother and Yukito-san, and someone else are the two most painful feelings in my life. It's as painful as remembering my father's death with the last feather. I cried myself to sleep for two nights when I realized that. I'd forgotten my father's death. How could I? Even if it wasn't my fault.
I crumple the blanket in my fingers as tears leak deeply from my eyes. With the heels of my palms I wipe my eyes and with my fingertips I try to remove the tracks from the tears that have already fallen. My nose is congested from sniffling and tears that are no longer coming silently.
I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I rest my waterlogged head against my knees and try to keep my chest and shoulders from shaking and heaving. They shake anyway. My throat is miserably dry.
With this feather has come the conscious realization of why I know the feeling I have for Syaoran-kun, and again, I will cry myself to sleep over this, probably for a long time.
This feeling for Syaoran-kun is love. I know it because I have felt like this before and I cry because I have forgotten that person. I miss him and I… I love this person from my past. He is the most important person in my life, perhaps more important to me then than Syaoran-kun is to me now. I don't know. But still, how could I forget him?
I can't help what has happened, but I still feel deeply, sorrowfully, miserably, horrible about it. It's miserable to know love, to feel it in the deepest part of my soul and not know who it is intended for. It's a sick knot around my heart, tightening and suffocating, this forgetfulness makes me ill. I've forgotten, not only what it felt like to love someone, but I forgot the person I love. And I am left wondering why I don't remember and what happened to him. What happened to him that he is not with me here now instead of Syaoran-kun?
My cheeks are wet all over again and my vision is useless. But now I've soaked the knees of my pajamas too. My breath is uneven and I turn my head to muffle my mouth against my legs. I can't let myself wake Syaoran-kun up now. I can never explain this horrible loss to anyone. How do you explain loosing love?
I don't deserve all the care, gentleness and attention that Syaoran-kun, Fye-san, Makona, and Kurogane-san give. How could I when I can forget all the things that are important to me? How could I when I cannot retain my own sense of self and personality? How could I when I can't even follow my own heart?
Touch!
I jump upright, hearing my own little hiccupping sob as I do so. My hair clings to my wet cheeks and the blanket slushes to the floor. Syaoran-kun stands beside me, a hand barely touching the skin of my arm. His hair is disarrayed and his warm eyes are worried deep to his core. I have disappointed him again.
I stare, unable to stop the tears or the little noises my dry throat is making. I wonder if he has ever seen me so miserable. The pit of my stomach drops, knowing it doesn't matter. He has seen what I didn't want him to see and now he will not only look expectant and hopeful with each feather, but will worry about this: my sorrow deep in the night after that same feather.
I can't look at him anymore, I drop my head and let myself sob, my whole body shaking.
"Hime…" His voice is soft, questing. He is unsure how deeply to pry seeing me miserable. I doubt anyone has ever seen me like this before. I don't think, even in the memories I haven't reclaimed, that I have ever been this wretched.
"Sakura." I correct halfheartedly.
"Sakura-san" he amends. I shake my head, unable to even verbalize my wants. I don't deserve his closeness. He tries again.
"Sakura-chan…?" he draws out the chan softly, making it more a 'chyan' sound. I cough and make a dry little noise in order to choke out one dismal word.
"What?"
My chin, wetness and all, is held in strong fingers as he forces me to look at him. His eyes bore intensely into my wet, whimpering, shy being. I feel as if I will shatter back into that first empty self in this moment, despite all my work to become stronger and less shy. He takes his hands and smoothes my hair away from my face on both sides. I can feel the wisps stuck to my cheeks pull free, tangling back into the rest of my hair. Even after it's all free he strokes my hair for a few minutes longer. I feel the sobbing subside a little, even if the pit tight around my heart is not relieved. My eyes have dropped to stare at his shirt and I hold the corner of it, comforted somehow by this barest of contact with him.
"I won't ask." he says. I bring my eyes back to his and he manages a small smile.
"Thank you." I whisper hoarsely.
"But," he says, "I don't want you to cry anymore tonight. And it's okay to show us that you're sad sometimes, you don't have to hide it from us. You told me not to hide my hurts from you so please show me the same courtesy."
I slowly nod, feeling miserable still, but that is fair. He pauses and looks away. Wide eyed, I try to read his expression. He's fighting within himself. Trying to decide on an action he is considering. Something else he wants to say? Syaoran-kun is not often overly loquacious.
He turns back to me but does not look at my eyes. He moves in the bare step between himself and the window sill I'm sitting on, scooping his arms around my back and behind my knees. Syaoran-kun picks me up as he has so many times before. This has become a very allowable contact between us, but never before has he held me like this when we were totally alone.
In a few steps we are next to one of the beds. One knee up on the blankets he starts to lower me down before I could even enjoy the comfort of his embrace. He gentles the bend in my knees as he removes that hand, pulling the covers with it. I close my eyes knowing that next he will release my back and push my shoulder to the bed with the other hand. But he doesn't.
I look over my shoulder as Syaoran-kun's arm remains locked around my back. The bed gives as his full weight is taken on by the mattress. I feel and watch his legs sweep under the cover as he pulls them up. He looks at my startled eyes and settles the blanket around us, tucking it around me. He smiles gently and tucks the other side around him before pulling me all the way down to the pillows with him.
Our bodies touch: length of my back against his chest, his arm underneath me lies loosely on the sheets, and his other hand weighs gently on my shoulder. I am tempted to wrap an arm around my waist. Instead I hold my hands to my chest. I am tempted to snuggle into him or turn over, but I stay still. I relax into the sanctuary he has created for me and give one or two last sobs and sniffles.
"Thank you, Syaoran-kun." His hand tightens comfortingly on my shoulder.
"Sleep now, Sakura-chan."
On impulse, I take his loose hand in both of mine and hold it near my mouth. I tell myself it's so he can feel my breath and know when I am asleep. Really, I know it's because I love him and I want this closeness.
I will not forget this love. Ever.