Author's note/Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or places mentioned in FF VIII, they belong to Square. No copyright infringement is intended. This is a warped story Nick Contra gave me the idea for, so enjoy!
Seifer's BirthdayWritten by Skylark, July 24, 2001
Finished December 13, 2001
Fujin carefully maneuvered the Lunatic Pandora into the space at the rear of the Zellers parking lot. Raijin whimpered in the seat next to her.
"Are you sure this is a good idea, ya know? What if Seifer wakes up, ya know?"
"BAKA," grumbled Fujin, kicking Raijin in the shin. She then got up from her seat and walked down to the exit, Raijin limping along behind her.
Entering the parking lot, Raijin pointed at the red metal behemoth that was parked only a few spaces away from the Lunatic Pandora.
"The Ragnarok, ya know! Those SeeDs are here, ya know!"
Fujin shrugged. "SO?"
"So … I don't know, ya know!" replied Raijin as the two walked through the automatic sliding doors, "They might, you know, cause trouble, ya know!"
"CARE, NOT. SEIFER, PRESENT. BUY," dismissed Fujin as she led Raijin into the women's wardrobe section and picked a skimpy black teddy from the rack. "THIS?"
"Fujin, we're not shopping for you, ya know …"
"RAGE!" Fujin delivered another sharp kick to Raijin's shin.
"Ow! Fuj, what would Seifer do with lingerie, ya know?" asked Raijin as he hopped about on his good leg.
"HINT," grumbled Fujin as she put the teddy back on the rack. She started to lead Raijin over to the men's section when yelling voices reached her.
"Oo! A fight, ya know! Let's go watch, ya know?" suggested Raijin. Agreeing, Fujin followed.
A few racks away from where she and Raijin had been only moments ago stood Rinoa and Quistis, locked in a heated tugging match over the last remaining pair of skimpy red panties.
"I saw it first, you ho!" screamed Rinoa, reaching towards Quistis, intent on scratching her.
"*I'm* a ho, little miss 'Save me, Squall'!? Laser eye!" Quistis turned and zapped Rinoa with a beam from her eyes.
Rinoa, now lying, twitching on the floor, muttered, "bitch." Quistis, victorious, walked happily off to the checkout counter with her prize.
Raijin and Fujin stood and stared.
"THAT, SCARY."
"I'm scarred for life, ya know."
The two then headed for the men's section as they had been before being so rudely interrupted. On the way to the suit section, they happened to run into Squall.
"Hey Squall, Quistis just beat up Rinoa, ya know," Raijin informed him.
Squall didn't even blink. "… Whatever."
Fujin noticed that the rack behind Squall was empty and that Squall himself seemed to be carrying numerous belts. "BELTS, ALL?" she asked.
"What?"
"BAKA." And with that, Fujin dealt Squall a kick to the shin. She and Raijin moved on as a store clerk approached the hopping Squall and informed him that he'd have to put some of the belts back on the rack for the other customers.
After searching around for a while, Fujin picked up a black three-piece suit. Without being asked, Raijin blurted, "Seifer wouldn't be caught dead in one of those, ya know!"
Assuming a dreamy, far off look, Fujin smiled, as she replied, "DEAD, NOT."
Raijin inclined his head. "What do you mean, ya know?"
Rolling her eye, Fujin booted Raijin in the shin. "BAKAS, SURROUNDED." She put the suit back on the rack and moved on.
As she and Raijin examined hair supplies, an angry voice from a row over cried, "The bottles are not put out on the shelves for the customers to try!" Fujin and Raijin exchanged looks and peeked around the aisle. On the other side, Zell sat, surrounded by a number of empty mousse bottles. He was holding a mirror and fixing his hair so it would stand up like it always did. Towering over him was an incensed Zellers employee.
"You owe the store 60, 000 Gil for all the bottles you've used," added the employee.
Zell didn't even look up. "Put it on Squall's tab."
"Squall doesn't *have* a tab!"
"Oh, well, in that case." And Zell took off, the Zellers employee chasing after him and yelling to other customers to stop him. Raijin and Fujin moved away, slowly.
Raijin stopped and pointed at a bin in the distance. "Oo, just what I always wanted, ya know!" He ran over and lifted one of the large stuffed Ruby Dragons from the bin and hugged it. "Can I have it, ya know?"
Fujin rolled her eye. "AFFIRMATIVE. OWE ME."
"Sure, Fuj! Thanks, ya know!" Raijin happily dragged his dragon along as he followed Fujin to the weapons section. "I think I'll name him Flammie, ya know!"
"MORON." Fujin kicked Raijin in the shin.
Suddenly, they were forcibly shoved to the side as three Galbadian MP's ran past them. Out of curiosity, Fujin and Raijin followed.
A large crowd formed around the changing rooms as the MP's disappeared inside. Among the crowd were Xu and Nida, who forced their way over to Fujin and Raijin.
"What are you two doing here?" asked Xu.
"SEIFER, BIRTHDAY. PRESENT, BUY. YOU, HERE. WHY?"
"Oh, we're just picking up some new Triple Triad cards. Squall won all of ours," replied Nida. "So, what do you suppose all of this is about?"
"I dunno, ya know," replied Raijin. He held up his stuffed Ruby Dragon. "What do you think of Flammie, ya know?"
Nida didn't get a chance to reply when the crowd broke to allow the MP's to exit the change rooms. Following behind the first officer with the others taking up the rear were Selphie and Irvine. Both were wearing police blankets. Selphie was happy and skipping along as though nothing were wrong, but Irvine had his head down, trying to keep his face covered with his hat.
"Could you explain to me again what is considered inappropriate use of a change room?" ^_^'d Selphie to one of the MP's.
Fujin, Raijin, Xu and Nida all exchanged looks, and then ran to find the nearest trash receptacle to throw up in.
After depositing her lunch, Fujin found Raijin and the two headed to the weapons aisle. There, they looked at different Gunblade upgrades, but then decided not to go with that because Seifer liked Hyperion the way it was. Raijin picked up a kit of Gunblade polish. "How's this, ya know?"
"YOU GET."
"But, Fuj, I don't have any money, ya know!"
"GET, NOT. CARE, NOT." With a shrug, Fujin headed to the sports section. "IDEA, HAVE."
"Oo, oo! What it is, ya know?!" Dropping the Gunblade cleaning kit, Raijin skipped along behind Fujin as she headed to the fishing equipment aisle. Picking up a box labeled No Fail Lures, she smiled and showed them to Raijin.
"That's perfect, ya know!"
"AFFIRMATIVE. IDEA, MINE."
Raijin and Fujin then headed to the checkout counter to purchase their items. Standing in line, Raijin peered forward. "That cashier looks familiar, but I can't quite place him, ya know. Do you recognize him, ya know?"
Fujin looked forward as well. "NEGATIVE." Soon, she and Raijin reached the counter.
"Do you have a Zellers HBC Rewards card?" asked Martine as he rang through the fishing lures and the stuffed dragon.
"NEGATIVE," replied Fujin. Raijin goggled in sudden recognition.
"What are you doing working at Zellers, ya know?" he asked.
Martine threw his hands to his face and sobbed. "They threw me out of Galbadia GARDEN! I'm so ashamed!"
"RAGE!" Fujin punted Martine in the shin. "CARE, NOT. PAY, ITEMS."
Sniffing and keeping his weight off his sore leg, Martine finished the transaction and Fujin paid him the Gil owed.
Fujin and Raijin headed back to the Lunatic Pandora and went to check up on Seifer. The ex-knight was still snoring away.
"TOLD, SO. SLEEPING, STILL," said Fujin as she and Raijin headed back to the cockpit of Lunatic Pandora. She handed Raijin the box of No Fail Lures. "HERE. THIS, WRAP."
Raijin grinned with glee and disappeared to do as told, dragging 'Flammie' with him. As she steered the Lunatic Pandora out of the parking lot and headed back towards the Esthar continent, Fujin couldn't help but feel that she had made a terrible mistake in letting Raijin wrap the present.
As they reached the ocean, she was proved right when Raijin came running back in carrying a poorly wrapped box with a bow falling off one side. ('Flammie' now also sported a bow.) To make matters worse, the paper he had used depicted cute little bunnies hopping around a forest glade.
Fujin grabbed the box from Raijin and read the tag. It read, "Have a 'hoppy' birthdae from you're freinds, Fujin and Raijin."
"BAKA," muttered Fujin, supplying another sharp boot to Raijin's shin.
"Ow! What'd I do wrong, ya know? I put your name first, ya know!"
"Hey, you two want to keep it down!? I'm trying to get some sleep!" Fujin quickly hid the box behind her back as Seifer stalked grumpily into the room. "What are you two up to?" he asked suspiciously.
"We're wrap –"
"RAGE!" Fujin cut Raijin off by kicking him in the shin. Seifer walked over to Fujin.
"What are you hiding behind your back?"
Fujin could see no way around it. She handed Seifer the box and cried, "SURPRISE! BIRTHDAY, HAPPY!"
Seifer looked at the box in disgust and read the tag. He looked at Fujin. "You let Raijin wrap this, didn't you?"
Fujin hung her head. "STUPID."
Without replying, Seifer ripped the paper off the box to find the No Fail Lures. He frowned. "Fishing supplies. I hate fishing, such a damn waste of time. You never catch anything." He looked up. "Whose idea was this?"
Fujin pointed at Raijin. "HIS."
"Well, thanks, Raijin!" he barked. Grumbling, Seifer threw the box on the ground, turned and stalked out of the cockpit. "Perfectly good birthday shot to hell."
"INSENSITIVE CRETIN." Fujin punted Raijin in the shin.
"Ow! Hey! I didn't do anything, ya know!"
The End