"Phantie"
Erik cringed at the nickname.
"Now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project!"
Erik gasped and backed away from the madness. "You really don't have to do that! I mean it."
The horrific person grinned. "I know. That's what makes me so nice!"
"So horrible," Erik muttered. That was it. This person was next on the hit list. Erik's ahnds curled around his Punjab lasso.
What was happening was even worse than death!
Raoul was trying to give Erik a makeover. He started singing worse than Carlotta.
"Whenever I see
someone
Less fortunate than I
(And let's face it - who
isn't
Less fortunate than I?)"
Raoul gave Erik a manly-man slap on the butt.
"My tender
heart
Tends to start to bleed."
"I'm sure it does," Erik muttered still clutching his Punjab lasso.
"And when someone
needs a makeover
I simply have to take over
I know I know
exactly what they need
And even in your case--"
Raoul removed the mask and gasped.
"Tho' it's the toughest case I've yet to face—"
He replaced the mask.
"Don't worry - I'm determined to succeed!"
"That's why I'm worrying."
"Follow my lead."
"Never."
"And yes,
indeed
You. Will. Be.
Popular!
You're gonna be
popular!
I'll teach you the proper ploys
When you talk to
boys—"
"WHAT!" Erik shrieked.
"Little ways to
flirt and flounce
OOH! I'll show you what shoes to wear
How to
fix your hair—"
"I'm not a girl!"
"Everything that
really counts
To be popular
I'll help you be popular!
You'll
hang with the right cohorts
You'll be good at sports!"
"I am good at sports! I can strangle a fop singing songs from a mile away. Assuming I had a mile-long lasso."
"Know the slang you've got to know," Raoul went on as if he hadn't heard Erik.
"So let's
start
'Cause you've got an awfully long way to go:"
Don't be offended by my frank analysis."
"Don't worry, I'm not!" Erik muttered sarcastically.
"Think of it as
personality dialysis
Now that I've chosen to be come a pal,
a
Sister and adviser—"
Erik started to worry that the young fop thought himself a woman.
"There's nobody
wiser
Not when it comes to popular -
I know about popular
And
with an assist from me
To be who you'll be
Instead of dreary
who-you-werem, well, are
There's nothing that can stop you
From
becoming popu-
Ler. lar:"
Raoul started combing and tying Erik's hair into pigtails. If he could, Erik would've been smoking at the ears.
"La la, la la
We're gonna
make
You popular!"
"When I see depressing
creatures
With unprepossessing features
I remind them on their
own behalf
To think of
Celebrated heads of state or
'Specially
great communicators
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don't
make me laugh!"
"They were popular! Please -
It's all
about popular!
It's not about aptitude
It's the way you're
viewed
So it's very shrewd to be
Very very popular
Like
me!"
"Now," Raoul went on. "Time for…MAKE-UP!"
Raoul quickly gave Erik a Green Day makeover.
"Why, Miss Erik, look at you. You're beautiful."
Erik was now very creeped out. "I - I have to go!" He ran from the room where he immidately started pulling out the pigtails and wiping the makeup off with his cape.
Raoul called feebly from the room.
"You're
welcome!
And though you protest
Your disinterest
I know
clandestinely
You're gonna grin and bear it
Your new found
popularity
La la la la
You'll be popular -
Just not as quite
as popular
As me!"
Erik ran back in, Punjab in hand. The fop didn't have a chance.