So, this is a sequel to a fic I did with New Vegas, where I made a ridiculous character and did ridiculous things and then wrote about it, hopefully creating humor through my character's actions and commentary on the game. You don't really need to read the last one to know what's going on here. Captain Scruffy is a fallout character who just does whatever he wants, and has the maturity of a 13 year old boy. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1: The Prologue

War.

War never changes.

In the year 1945-[SKIP]

Scruffy found himself before a mirror. The last thing he remembered was being cornered by a group of securitrons under the control of Yes Man. They were attaching electrodes to his nether regions and were about to flip the on switch. After that was nothing but blackness. For what seemed like an eternity, or what seemed like one second's time, who can tell, there was nothing but silence and blackness. Then, a pinprick of light, growing, growing ever so fast and slow. And then, the mirror. But now he was an average looking white dude with a big nose, with an attractive woman standing behind him. It took him a second to realize what was happening.

"Ah, I'm in the character creation segment of a Fallout game. Nice. Well, this beats the living daylights out of Doc Mitchell's office, let me tell you that. Right dear?"

The woman behind him just stared ahead, occasionally making vague comments about his appearance.

His appearance!

It felt uncomfortable looking like Action Video Game Protagonist #758. Scruffy quickly used the amazing, nuanced, state-of-the-art character creation suite to turn himself into a scruffy old Hispanic man with angry eyebrows, a crooked nose, and downturned lips.

"Now that's more like it. Say, why isn't everything in this room ruined? I thought the point of fallout was that it's a play on words, fallout meaning literal nuclear fallout but also the fallout that occurs after a total nuclear annihilation. Things don't look like they've been totally nuclear annihilationed at all!"

After a couple of seconds, he got over it.

Scruffy made himself as skinny as possible, added some totally super badass scars, and confirmed his character. Stepping away from the mirror, he found himself in the idyllic bathroom of an idyllic pre-war house in an idyllic pre-war neighborhood.

"This place is totally going to get nuked, isn't it?"

"Ah good morning sir! Your coffee. 173.5 degrees fahrenheit. Brewed to perfection!" Exclaimed the shiny Mr. Handy robot named Codsworth, holding a hot coffee pot and smiling from ear to ear. Well, Captain Scruffy imagined that he was smiling by his tone.

"Okay, two things. First, I don't like your tone. And I don't like your accent. And it's 2077 and you're telling me that America is still using Fahrenheit and not Celcius? That's some hardcore commitment to an inferior means of measuring temperature, and I know all about hardcore commitment to inferior things. Like your mom."

The robot stared blankly at him. Our hero took this as a chance to examine the house in detail. It was too innocent. The wife, the morning paper, the birds singing. In Scruffy's mind it was just begging to get blown up. The coffee, the comics, the couch. The television, the trifold American flag, the… tiny, tiny baby?

"Okay Nora, you didn't tell me that we had a little son, who looks like a possessed doll. And why is he crying? I expected an open-world RPG not a parenting sim-"

Scruffy's tirade was interrupted by a ring at the door. Upon pressing "x" and watching the door magically open with no hands involved, he observed a man wearing the ugliest shade of yellow he had ever seen, in the form of a hat and trenchcoat. He possessed a Vault-Tec clipboard and a nervous smile.

"Are you sure that doomsday insurance is the right gig for you? Err, I mean…"

Captain Scruffy wasn't used to this new dialogue interface. He was used to selection off of a list of pre-set responses while not actually possessing a real voice. Now, his character had his very own voice actor and conversation was a little bit more fluid. He could ask a question, give a neutral response, give a nice response, or just be a total jerk with the circle button. In the future days he was going to love that circle button. Today, he decided to go easy on the Vault-Tec Rep.

"Vault-Tec? Remind me again."

"Why we're about you, sir! And helping secure your future. You see, Vault-Tec is the foremost builder of state-of-the-art underground fallout shelters. Vaults, if you will. Luxury accommodations, where you can wait out the horrors of nuclear devastation. You can't begin to know how happy I am to finally speak with you. I've been trying for days. It's a matter of utmost urgency, I assure you."

"Ohhhhh, so that's why it's called Vault-Tec. You guys build vaults. Oh. Anyways, sure!" Scruffy said while selecting positive options for the rest of the conversation. He told himself he was being nice but really he just wanted to get on with the tutorial. Finally, a character naming and SPECIAL attributes giving screen appeared. Our hero dutifully entered his name as Captain Scruffy.

"I earned that rank in the resource wars. Or whatever."

He paused to think about his SPECIAL stats. Last time around he had made a severe error picking his attributes, only giving a "1" to strength. And it took a while for him to get out of the tutorial. So he had better consider things. He knew he wanted to go around smacking things with a tire iron for at least part of the game. But he also wanted to be familiar with all forms of slaughter and murder, so he gave himself 6 Strength and Endurance, 4 Perception, Intelligence and Agility, 3 Luck, and of course, 1 Charisma.

"I'm stacked."

He slammed the door in the Rep's face while his character automatically flirted with the wife. In the distance Scruffy heard the cry of an infant.

"I had better not have to carry this child around after the bombs drop. And how am I supposed to survive until 2287 or whatever anyway? Are they going to freeze me?"

He walked over to the kid and pressed a button to play with him, which involved a short animation of touching the kid's hand. This magically ceased the crying. His wife began to talk with him about the pleasant, idyllic activities they would have that day before his big speech at the veteran's hall that night. Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

Codsworth summoned them to the TV. The newsman was explaining the fact that nuclear bombs were on their way to every populated area of the world.

"Finally."

Sirens went off. The front door opened like the beginning of the Kentucky Derby. Neighbors ran toward the vault. There was a tank in the middle of the street, parked like a total jerk. Our hero, Captain Scruffy, ditched his wife and infant son and frolicked toward the Vault, feeling alive for the first time since the Hoover Dam.

Scruffy checked into the vault and chuckled as the Vault-Tec Rep got rejected at the gate. He practically skipped up to the Vault platform, giddy with excitement. His wife and kid caught up to him.

"Oh well."

Scruffy automatically mouthed some loving words to his budding family as a nuclear bomb went off in the distance.

"Now that's what I'm talking about."

The elevator descended just in time.