Title: The Ugly Grinch and His Reindeer-Cat-Thingy
Author: Ephemeral Rainfall
Summary: Ulquiorra the grinch does not like happy things. So he and his trusty cat-reindeer Grimmjow set out to steal Christmas from Karakura Town. With Ichigo too busy laughing at Grimmjow's costume to help, is there any hope to stop them? Disclaimer: Kubo owns Bleach, not me, although I would love it for a Christmas present, hint hint, so the lawyers better leave. Dr. Seuss owns the Grinch and Christmas is considered common property.
Note: This is crack. Just so we're clear.
Once upon a time, there was a magical and happy city with magical and happy people called The Magical and Happy City with Magical and Happy People of Karakura Town. (Abbreviated as Whoville.)
But that is not where our story takes place. Instead, our tale starts on a cliff way way way way way way up high, overlooking this magical and happy city, in a not so magical or happy cave. For you see, in this cave lived a grinch. What is a grinch? (For plot purposes a grinch is simultaneous with an arrancar.)
Well, a grinch (arrancar) is an ugly, mal-formed, distorted, heartless brute; ten feet tall with small, haunted red eyes; with long, gangly limbs; and a nasty meat cleaver of a smirk that splits its face in twain. Hated by all, they find companionship only with others of its kind, communicating with Neanderthal grunts and crude snorts. One typically finds them in packs of two or more.
But our grinch (arrancar) is a little…different. Because of tragic deformities, it lives alone; it was quite hideous for a grinch (arrancar), and thus never accepted into grinch (arrancar) society. With arms that had only one elbow and were too short for its grinch (arrancar) body, a body half the height of a healthy grinch (arrancar), gigantic green eyes, and a face devoid of the branding sneer, it was a monstrosity among monstrosities.
Hated by all grinch (arrrancar)-kind for its abnormalities, this one is the one we will follow this chilly winter evening. Around twilight, it would emerge from its cave and prey on the unfortunate souls that stray onto the mountain and are snared by the dark. The people of Karakura fear and whisper of this bizarre creature, the likes of which no one had actually returned to tell the tale of.
And hush, here he comes!
Observe his mutated features!
Be fascinated by his strange habits!
Note his uncharacteristic appearance!
Can you tell that I've never seen this beast either!
…
Ulquiorra Schiffer stepped out into the twilight.
…
Wait.
That's…not a grinch.
Yes it is.
No, it's not.
Of course it is.
It looks nothing like a grinch!
Didn't we just spend the past paragraph explaining that this was a mutant grinch?
But it doesn't even resemble a grinch! It looks almost…human.
It's an ugly grinch, okay?
…Ugly grinches resemble relatively good-looking humans…
Yes.
Right…so how is it a grinch again?
No heart.
…Fine. Moving on.
…
The grinch looked down.
The bright colors of Karakura Town hurt his head.
He didn't like that.
"Grimmjow!"
…
Wait a minute. I thought he lived alone.
He does live alone.
Then what's Grimmjow doing there?
He's not a grinch.
So he's more of a…pet?
…Sure. Call him that if you're feeling particularly suicidal.
I'll pass.
…
The robin's-egg-blue-haired not-grinch popped his head out of the cave. Grumbling a garbled string of unintelligible consonants under his breath, he moodily eyed the short grinch questioningly.
"I do not like the bright colors of Karakura Town, Grimmjow."
Mumble.
"They make my head hurt. I do not like that either."
Grunt.
"What would I like you to do about it?"
Mutter.
"I would like them to stop hurting my head. You are going to make them stop hurting my head."
…Grumble.
"I am the grinch, remember? I have a reputation to uphold. They must not know of my disinclination towards intense lighting."
Mumble.
"If you do not fix it you are sleeping on the couch."
Groan.
And so Grimmjow the not-grinch with electric blue hair trudged down the mountain in twilight to go tell the people to turn off their stupid light pollution so he could be spared from the cold white hella big sofa.
It didn't work out so well.
Some kids threw snowballs at him. He made them regret disobeying their mothers by mauling them. People heard the ruckus and came out brandishing assorted sharp kitchen utensils. Grimmjow went home.
…
Ulquiorra stared at the quivering mass of blue and white and skin-colored attempting to harmonize into one with the couch cushions.
"I take it that it did not go well."
A shudder.
"…They brought out the cheese graters, didn't they?"
The shivering mess nodded.
"…How cruel."
Grimmjow had been traumatized as a young kitten when a couple of toddlers decided it would be fun to give him a haircut using a cheese grater. Ulquiorra accidentally saved him by eating their souls, and that was how the two had met.
"I also assume that the lights have not been extinguished."
A vivid blue eye peeked out from under the cushions, incredulous. It was met with narrowed juniper. "Yes, that means you need to go back."
A growl.
"Couch?"
Grimmjow nodded.
"Then you will be sleeping outside."
Whimper.
"No."
Whimper with protruding bottom lip.
"No."
Whimper with quivering bottom lip.
"No."
Whimper with quivering bottom lip and glassy eyes.
"…Fine. I'll go with you."
…
They were all set to go.
Except for one thing.
Ichigo Kurosaki was on duty tonight, taking the midnight shift, making their plans more complicated. They sat around and thought, trying to come up with a way to bypass the redhead, because he was no fun to deal with, (well, for Ulquiorra at least). Especially since Grimmjow would not be able to resist a fight.
Ulquiorra considered just doing away with Kurosaki, but that wouldn't be good, since he was actually the son of the president of the neighboring town of Seireitei. And Seireitei had even brighter lights. The grinch mentally shuddered.
Eventually, Grimmjow got bored of thinking and started pacing.
Ulquiorra's eyes followed the not-grinch's every step until he started to go cross-eyed and pushed Grimmjow, who flailed over a shelf of books in the process of falling. By plot-manipulation, a dusty storybook happened to separate from the rest, flopping open at the page with the story 'The Night Before Christmas'. Both eyed the book noncommittally before twin light bulbs appeared.
…
"Why am I the reindeer?" Grimmjow yelped, clinging to the ceiling for dear life to avoid the tack-on tail that Ulquiorra was attempting to attach to his rear.
…
Woah. He can talk?
Yes. He can talk. Now shut up.
…
"Because you're already a dumb, simple-minded beast of burden. Now get down before I go up there myself."
Grimmjow hissed. "You little bastard—ouch!"
Ulquiorra's patience had run out. "Good. That tail suits you. Come here so I may affix the ears."
The not-grinch had no time to decline before he was yanked down by his real tail, crashing onto the hard cave floor with a yelp. Ulquiorra wasted no time, kneeling to sift through sky-blue hair before he found a fuzzy ear.
Grimmjow was a cat-chimera, you see. (And I just made this up right this minute because it sounded cool, and calling him a not-grinch gets redundant, and who doesn't love hot guys with kitty ears?)
Ulquiorra taped the brown construction paper triangle he had cut onto the fluffy appendage. He did the same to the other one, which was futilely trying to escape detection by laying itself flat against the scalp. After the itchy taping, Grimmjow tried to scratch but got his hand swatted away.
When he saw the large red rubber bouncy ball that the grinch held up, however, he drew the line. "No. No way. I'll suffocate with that!" Strangely enough, Ulquiorra gave the ball a considering glance and acquiesced. He made up for the temporary moment of weakness by coloring Grimmjow's nose with neon red finger paint.
Finally, Ulquiorra stepped back and admired his fuming masterpiece. He held up the storybook picture and looked between the two images. Something was missing.
Looking around, the grinch spotted a broom in the corner. He retrieved it, snapping the straw from the stick, and also a soup ladle from the drawer. Grimmjow eyed him oddly.
The odd look morphed into horror as the short monster turned to him with a bottle of superglue, duct tape, and twine in hand.
Ulquiorra gauged Grimmjow's expression as he held up each item in turn, settling on twine being the most humane adhesive. He stuck the soup ladle in Grimmjow's hair behind his ear, trying to secure it with twine. That didn't work so well, so he laid the ladle flat against the scalp and bundled the twine around the cat-chimera's head. Then he tucked the broomstick into the twine on the opposite side. Locking both items in place with clear tape, Ulquiorra gave a nod of contentment.
But something was still missing.
Grimmjow was still too…white. Reindeer were brown. Ulquiorra frowned.
…
"Paint, chocolate, or mud?" Pick your poison.
Grimmjow hissed at the grinch from his perch among the stalactites. He was not getting any of that stuff on his skin.
He was safe until the grinch decided that he'd try splatter painting.
…
Half an hour later, Grimmjow, the ceiling, the cave floor, and most of the furniture were covered in dripping brown paint-chocolate-mud. Ulquiorra's clothing was somehow still pristine.
…
Ulquiorra didn't own much red. The one red handkerchief and napkin he had unearthed were not nearly enough to make a suit out of. There wasn't enough red finger paint either.
Grimmjow, still spiteful about having been dolled up into a reindeer, looked at the array of art supplies conspiratorially. "You know, you could just mix the red and white for a lighter red. That would give you enough."
Ulquiorra absentmindedly nodded, for once trusting the other's judgment. He had just finished pouring the two paints together and coloring his costume when he realized that it was a nice carnation pink. He glared.
Grimmjow smirked.
The next ten minutes were spent by Ulquiorra and Grimmjow trying to maim and not be maimed, respectively.
Finally, as Grimmjow clung fearfully to the light fixture, praising lady fortune for Ulquiorra's lack of height, he had an idea. "Look, Ulquiorra, this isn't helping! Why don't you just go kill something and use its blood? Heck, I'll do it for ya if you put that food processor down!"
Ulquiorra considered it. "And if the blood is infected?"
"The hell do you care? It's not like you can get sick!"
"…Fine. But you are not going. I do not wish to re-attach your antlers."
Grimmjow blinked. "So that's what the spoon you stuck to my head is supposed to be?"
Ulquiorra twitched at the jab at his handiwork, but suppressed it. Emotionless. Calm. Deep breath. "Of course. What did you assume they were?"
"I dunno. Wings?"
Emotionless. Poker face. Breathe in. Breathe out. Ulquiorra stomped outside, doing his best to inhale and exhale without hyperventilating. Easier said than done. He tripped outside hiccupping sporadically. Grimmjow stood by should CPR become necessary.
…
Ulquiorra came back looking quite scary, drenched in blood from head to toe.
"What'd you do?" Grimmjow wasn't complaining, but curiosity got the better of him.
"I killed an elephant and used its chest cavity for a swimming pool."
"…There are elephants out here?"
"It said it was a snuffle-ump."
…
Grimmjow sized up the small sled. It was very…small.
"Oi! Can't ya get something bigger?"
Ulquiorra emerged from the cave. "Why? It's big enough."
"Tch. Big enough for you, maybe. But if you're going alone, I'm not complaining."
Ulquiorra stared at him as if he had sprouted another nose. "What?"
"You are a reindeer. Where does a reindeer go?"
Grimmjow's jaw dropped. "No. You're not—,"
…
Grimmjow stood at the front of the sleigh, seething quietly as he gnawed grouchily on the bit in his mouth. Why they even had a horse harness he didn't know. Ulquiorra was seated in the sled behind him, trying to figure out how the reins worked.
"Grimmjow. Do I pull this part," Grimmjow nearly gagged as the bit was yanked into his throat, "or this part?" He was pulled backward into the snow by his forehead.
…
Ulquiorra eventually gave up trying to decipher harness navigation. To Grimmjow's relief, he was allowed on the sled, even if there was barely enough room to stay seated without highly awkward physical contact. But it was still better than the alternative.
Instead of pull, the grinch decided to push the sleigh over the end of the cliff.
Grimmjow frowned as he eyed the thousand-foot drop.
"…Ulquiorra, this isn't the best id—eeaaaaaa!" And then they were hurtling down the mountain from way way way way way up high.
…
After a generally stable trip, (Grimmjow had only fallen off the sled a total of 17 times), they breached the outskirts of Karakura town. Grimmjow was looking a little worse for wear, bristling and wide-eyed. His hair looked like some large bird of prey had once called it home, (in other words, how it usually looked), and his brown-stained attire had been splotched by multiple contacts with the snow. The ladle antler had been de-spooned and bent at a 170º angle, and the crooked broomstick had splintered at both ends, one piece dangling by a sliver. He was missing a construction paper ear. The paint-chocolate-mud had mostly rubbed/blown off, giving him an army-camouflage look, and his front was covered in blood from having had to press against Ulquiorra on the squished sled.
The grinch was a bit ruffled as well. His hairline had been slicked back from the wind, making the strand usually between his eyes pop up stubbornly; his outfit had a pleasant tie-dye effect due to the not-completely-dry blood and wind, the back of it brown thanks to Grimmjow. The pillow he had stuffed under the red suit had snagged on a branch somewhere, causing it to explode in a flurry of feathers. Whenever he shifted or breathed, a few sprigs of down would puff out of his clothing.
But they were alive.
Relatively.
And that's all that mattered.
More or less.
A/N: Probably a three or four-parter. Wrote this little tidbit after watching a cartoon grinch steal Christmas. It's kinda awkward, but gaahhh DDD: angsting since recently, my flash drive with two years' worth of all my stuff, (schoolwork, projects, and fan fiction), changed formats randomly. And I foolishly reformatted to use this recovery program, deleting it all! If anybody knows how to fix this, please help! It's a corner office 1 gb, the small kind! So very very very upset.
But anyways. Review and feed me. rawr.