Total Babe fic( Seriously) xDDD Just so you know, I am IN LOVE with Ranger/Steph but I love Morelli too, just not as much Haha. First Janet Evanovich story! Raise the roof! Or clap you're hands, whichever one you can do physically :D Also, this is probably the LONGEST one shot I've ever done. Cool?

Eh.

Enjoy :D

Sick Day

If you had asked me months ago what I'd be doing at 4 o'clock in the afternoon on a Saturday, I probably would have answered with something relatively normal like, cooking or buying groceries or riding my bike. Albeit, I had no idea how to cook, the only food in my home was olives and milk and I owned no bike but still, it would have been along those lines.

Turns out that it wouldn't have been the truth. My life was anything but normal. At the moment, I was driving down Hamilton Avenue at Eighty Seven Mph chasing a long bearded, half naked man with a plus sized, Black woman next to me in the passenger seat. And on top of it all, it was raining.

My name's Stephanie Plum. I'm five feet, seven inches. My hair is brown and shoulder length, naturally curly. My eyes are blue. My teeth are somewhat straight. My looks are average and my shape is okay. I work as a bond enforcement agent, sometimes labeled as a Bounty Hunter, for my cousin Vinnie. It was a simple job really but within months of doing it, I had become known as the Bounty Hunter from Hell.

The bearded half naked man I was after was going to pay my rent for this month as long as I caught him.

The woman beside me was Lula, who normally rode shotgun when I tracked down FTA's, as in; Failure to Appear. She was a former 'ho with a colorful taste in clothing, often clothing that was 6 sizes too small and she never left the house without her Glock. At the moment, she was clutching the dash of the car.

"See here, this is what I get for coming along with you." She said as the car rocketed forward.

"You told me to chase him!"

"Yeah but I didn't know he'd run. How could I? He shouldn't have ran."

The man we were chasing was named Scott Penoski. He had been taken in for indecent exposure and missed his court date. As always, I was sent in to drag his ass back and get him re bonded. For some reason, people didn't like that idea too much. Maybe it was because of the unmentioned time in jail? Well, whatever it was, he had bolted.

I was struggling to see through the windshield wipers and struggling to get around the cars. Penoski was driving like a madman. Sideswiping cars, swerving around corners, cutting through lanes. I put my foot to the floor and squinted my eyes.

"Oh lord." I heard Lula say, strapping on her seat belt.

We were both caught off guard when Penoski did a violent 180 and we crashed into each other. There was shattering of glass and the crunching of metal hitting metal, other cars had started to honk their horns. I felt my teeth chatter and rubbed at my eyes.

Lula was wringing her hands beside me.

"Are you Okay?" I asked her after the ringing in my ears stopped. She took a deep breath.

"I'm going to need something after this. Like a sub. A meatball one. With extra meatballs.

We got out of the wrecked vehicle and stared at it. "There goes another car." Lula shook her head. We went around to Penoski's car to find it deserted. "The little weasel. He took off on us! Half naked!"

"Maybe he's headed to get bonded out again?" I offered.

"Bonded out my ass."

The rain had started to come down harder and I started to shiver, wrapping my arms around myself to try and keep warm. I hadn't dressed for the occasion. I was wearing a thin long sleeved white shirt with a thin jacket and faded jeans. The wreckage had caused a massive hold up of traffic, horns honking and middle fingers being shot about.

Great. Stephanie Plum, Bounty Hunter from Hell has struck again.

There was a whirling of lights of in the distance followed by the familiar drone of a police cruiser and I saw Lula's face go white.

"I hate cops." She said, rubbing her bare arms. "Cops give me the hebbie jeebies. You can take care of this hm? Okay. I'm going to call Connie and get her to pick me up. I need my meatball sub."With that said, Lula was gone down the street.

The police officer who stepped out of the car gave me an exaggerated eye roll.

"I should have known." Eddie Gazara blew out in a sigh, hooking his fingers in his pockets and raising an eyebrow at me. I smiled. Thank God it was a cop I knew. Gazara was one of the few people on the force I liked. He had married my cousin Shirley the Whiner and he seemed to always pop up when I made a mess of things. "So, what happened this time?"

"FTA tried to get away. I chased him down. We crashed." I turned towards the car or what was left of it and frowned. Gazara chuckled.

"You are so lucky that you're Mrs. Morelli." He said, picking up his walky talkie. Mrs. Morelli? For some reason that made me mentally hyperventilate. Mrs. Morelli sounded serious. Mrs. Morelli sounded like marriage.

Joe Morelli was my on again, off again boyfriend. He's a hard working Trenton Cop with an Italian temper and six feet of hard, lean muscle. The only reason he hadn't been the first one on the scene is because he was away on business at the time with homicides.

From the corner of my eye, I saw a car roll up. The windows were tinted, it was solid black, it was a BMW and it was shiny. Nobody could afford a vehicle like that around here but one person.

"Babe."

Carlos Manoso BKA Ranger was Cuban American. He had dark eyes, Mocha Lotta skin, dark brown hair that barely reached his shoulders and a body that was as good as any could be. He often worked on behalf of the law but in a shadowy part of it. Ranger did what had to be done and he did it right. Whether he did it legally though was a completely different question.

He was dressed in his usual attire. Black shirt, a Black windbreaker, cargo pants stuffed into black, work boots and a black cap on his head, shadowing his face. There was a slight lift of the corners of his mouth.

He tipped his hat upwards and accessed the damage before glancing at me.

"I crashed into a FTA."

"Where's he at?"

"Ohio?"

Ranger's mouth was twitching and I knew he was trying hard not to laugh. "You're soaked."

"Not really." Yes really! I felt like I was standing in the rain naked! My shirt was clinging to me, my pants were dark with water and my hair was flat against my head. Not only that, but I had no car to get home with. I was cold and wet and tired and wanted to crawl into a nice warm hot shower.

Ranger had his eyes on my chest and I unconsciously folded my arms. "You aren't wearing a bra."

I felt my face get red. "I didn't have time to get fully dressed." We locked eyes for a second and I felt some places on my body heat up. Me and Ranger had a...complicated relationship. He was my mentor, my friend and one of the men I loved. While I tried to keep things between us mutual, he tried to get me naked and make me happy.

"You got a way home?" He finally asked. I wiped water off my brow and mulled it over. I could have called a number of people to pick me up but that would leave me waiting. But then again, would I rather wait in the rain or drive home with Ranger?

Hard choice.

Ranger had that almost smile back on his lips. "Afraid?"

"Of you? No way." Most definitely.

Another almost smile and a small head nod towards his car. "Get in." I did some mental knuckle cracking and did as told. I was fully aware of the potential danger that came with getting a ride home by Carlos Manoso. He was a secretive yet unpredictable guy. I wouldn't have put it pass him to drive to his house and drag me inside.

The inside of his car was warm and it smelled great. I snuggled into the seat covers and closed my eyes. He looked over at me and shook his head.

"You're lucky my seats are waterproof."

Waterproof seats? When the hell had they invented those?

We got to my house in a matter of minutes. I lived on the second floor of a blocky, no-frills, three story apartment building that looked out over the parking lot. It was full of senior citizens who spent every day watching T.V and reading the newspaper.

And/or dealing with all the murders, maniacs and men that came lurking about for me. Weird that Ranger fit all those qualities.

As soon as I made it inside, I collapsed on the couch. Ranger leaned his tall frame against the wall beside the door and stared at me. "Do you always go out in the rain with nothing on?"

"It wasn't raining when I woke up this morning!" I said, sitting up to glare at him.

His face held no emotion. "You look pale."

"I'm just cold and wet." I told him, getting to my feet. "I need a hot shower and I'll be fine."

"I have a better remedy."

I said nothing as I hurried to my bathroom. Yet it was true. Ranger had many remedies.

He was still in my living room when I came out. My eyes widened a bit, taking him in as he sat sprawled on my couch watching a game on my T.V.

"You're still here?" I asked, drying the rest of my hair with a towel.

"Disappointed?"

Hardly. "I thought you'd be out throwing evil bad guys out of windows and riding around in the bat mobile by now." He glanced at me and I didn't know if he was amused or annoyed.

"Even Batman got a day off." He stared at me. "You still look pale." I wiped at my face with the towel and waved it off.

"I feel fine." Liar. I felt horrible. My head hurt, my nose felt stuffed up, my energy felt zapped. Who knew that Stephanie Plum, who had been torched, chased and shot at, would succumb to a cold. I put a hand to my forehead and wobbled a bit.

Ranger was by my side in an instant, holding me steady."Fine huh?"

"Now that you mention it, my head hurts." He put a hand on my head.

"You're burning up." Oh great.

"It's probably nothing big. Next time, I won't forget my jacket. I'll just drink some OJ and it'll go away."

"Babe, you're cabinets are empty." How did he always know everything!?

"I forgot to go shopping." I waved it off again. "I'll just go and get some." I had no money and no car so I think the question here is; HOW!?

"In this condition?"

"I'll call my mom." I said. "She'll help me." He seemed to be remotely satisfied.

"Call me if you need anything." He planted a small kiss above my ear and walked away.

"Hey, where are you going? I thought you said even Batman got a day off."

He opened the door and shot me one of his almost smiles. "I'm not Batman." And then he was gone.

"Oh Stephanie!" Exclaimed my mother through the phone. "Sick!? How in the world did that happen? Are you okay? Do you need to go to the doctor?"

"No mom I'm fine." I told her, staring into my empty refrigerator. "I just need someone to drive over here and take me shopping."

"What happened to your car?"

"It...got a bit smashed."

There was silence and I pictured my mother making the sign of a cross. "I'm sorry but we can't right now. Me and your father are taking your Grandma Mazur to Stiva's."

"Wait you're going? And dad too?"

"Yes. She's been whining about it all day."

I smiled. My Grandma Mazur came to live with my parents after my Grandpa Mazur took in one too many artery clogging foods and was sent into the big McClucky burger in the sky. To say she was eccentric was an understatement. She was boney and always had her silvery hair in tightened curls. Her perception of being old against others perceptions of being old were painfully different. My father, if he could, would have traded her for my Grandpa any day.

"We could postpone it and come to get you, if you'd like." There was a slight pleading to my mom's voice.

"No. I'll just ask Lula." My mother sighed and hung up. They would have an interesting little night. I dialed Lula.

"Hell no." Lula said. "I got a big date with Tank tonight. You're on your own. Besides, last time I rode with you, you crashed." Tank was Ranger's right hand man and his name described him all. He looked like a wrestler buffed up on steroids and his arms were the size of my head. He wasn't a person you'd like to meet in a dark alley.

"It wasn't my fault. He turned. How was I supposed to know he'd turn?" Lula hung up and I frowned. I dialed Connie.

"Sorry Steph No can do. Vinnie's making me redecorate the office."

"What?" Vinnie was my cousin and my boss and an annoying little pest. He stayed holed up in his office with Connie positioned right before the door in case one of his weird junkies, lovers or anybody else came barging in on a hunt for his blood. There were rumors that he liked ducks and the rumors had yet to be discredited.

"Yeah I know. I gotta go. He's screaming in my ear." Connie hung up. I glanced from the phone to my fridge and sighed heavily before dialing another number.

"Yo."

"Yo yourself."

"You called." Ranger said. He sounded a bit more surprised then I'd hoped.

"That I did."

"What is it?"

"I need someone to go shopping with me." Silence.

"Shopping where?"

"Like to the grocery store and the mall." He hung up. I called him back. "You hung up!"

"I'm not a mall person."

"You said call if I needed anything."

"Why don't you ask Morelli?"

"He's out of town." More silence. "And nobody else could take me. Please?" I sneezed suddenly and he sighed.

"I'll send Woody." What!? No way was I going to the mall with one of his nonsocial merry man!

"Oh no, I said you not Woody."

"I'm not a mall person."

"You already said that."

"If I go with you, I want compensation." Now it was my time to go silent.

"How about you send Woody?"

I heard him laugh. "Babe." Then he hung up.

It was hard to look good when you were sick. It was like no matter what, you're body screamed "ill!" So I wasn't surprised when Woody gave me a wide eyed look when I answered the door. I was dressed in a grey hoodie and grey sweatpants with my hair brushed down as much as it could be. I had swapped on some makeup but it didn't help the fact that I was abnormally pale.

"Stephanie?" Woody squinted at me and I frowned. It wasn't like he looked especially attractive either. He looked like a dinosaur with no neck.

"That's me." Woody started looking about as if trying to see where he could run to. "Ready?" He nodded and we were off, riding in a car similar to Ranger's yet not as good looking and solid black. I guided him to the Mall and he seemed to visibly stiffen.

"We're at the mall."

"I noticed." I furrowed my eyebrows. "Is something the matter?" Woody took three deep breaths and parked.

"Ranger didn't tell me I'd have to go to the mall."

I rolled my eyes. What was with men and the mall? They rode around getting shot at and chased down killers but they couldn't go into a stupid building? "You can stay here if you want." He seemed to become even stiffer.

"And risk Ranger killing me when you ran into trouble? No way."

I frowned again and got out of the car with him close on my heels while we trumped through the store. "Woody?" I asked, as I threw a box of spaghetti into the cart.

"Hmm?"

"Could you give me some breathing room?" He almost right on top of me! I had no breathing room and every time I tried to move, we bumped into each other. I know he was trying to keep me safe but I was being suffocated.

"Sorry." He took a tiny step backwards and I sighed.

"Could you...go...get me some...flour!?" I told him with a forced smile. I didn't even know what flour was used for but if it got this guy off my neck, I'd buy it. He nodded and walked away. I rolled the cart onwards and started looking between which time of muffins I wanted.

"Stephanie!"I turned around and was surprised when I saw Mario Rizzi walking towards me, BKA Zook.

"Hey." I smiled as he stopped before me. Zook was a teenager with an overactive imagination that I had the pleasure of looking after not too long ago when his mother had gone missing. He had millions of piercings, always wore black and was related to Morelli. After spending time with the boy, I grew to come a bit attached. He was a good kid. "Where's your mom?"

Zook shrugged. "Somewhere shopping. Look, I just wanted to show you this rad BB gun I got a few days ago!" He pulled out a toy gun that resembled a real gun fairly well. The next couple of events happened fast. I saw a flash of Woody's body flying through the air and then they were both on the ground.

I blinked in confusion and watched as Woody tried to struggle the toy gun away from Zook.

"Hey get off me!" Zook exclaimed.

"Woody!?"

"Stand back Stephanie, I got this!" Woody told me. There was a big commotion as people drifted away from the scene and others stopped to look.

"It's a toy gun!" I screamed.

"What is the deal with you man!?" Zook said. When I realized that Woody wasn't going to get up, I pulled out my taser that was always in my purse and sent some jolts into the man's body. He went limp instantly. Zook got to his feet and we both stared down at him.

"He was trying to protect me." I said.

"Hn."

"He thought you're gun was real."

"He was going after the wrong person." Zook laughed. "You're the one who had the taser."

Ranger was standing, hands on hips, staring me down. I was on the other side of my counter, trying to keep away from his reach, empty grocery bags spread out around us.

"You tasered Woody?"

"He attacked Zook."

"Zook?" His eyebrows raised a fraction.

"He thought he had a gun." Ranger just stared. "It was a toy." He shook his head.

"Why do I put up with you?"

"I thought you already knew the answer to that."

"I do." He sighed. "And it scares me." I smiled and took another sip of my orange juice. "You look horrible. Did you get any medicine?"

Medicine? Yuck! "OJ is my medicine."

"I don't usually run across town to take care of sickly woman."

I took a sip. "Just me?"

"Just you."

"Hard to believe."

His half smile returned. "Is there anything else you need? Clothes? Makeup? Sex?"

I looked at him. "What was that last one?"

"Makeup." He said. I gulped. Luckily I was saved by my phone ringing.

"Stephanie, will you be able to make it to dinner?" It was my mother. Dinner at my parents' home was always served exactly at Six pm everyday consisting of Pot Roast, green beans, mashed potatoes and, hopefully, blue berry pie for dessert. I felt beat up and worn out and my head was still bounding but the blue berry pie was calling me. I glanced at Ranger who still had his eyes on me.

"Of course I'm coming." I told her. "And set another plate, Ranger's coming to." After we hung up, I smiled at him. He raised an eyebrow and didn't look amused at all. "Dinner with my parents."

"I'm not a family guy."

"Are you any kind of guy?" He smiled at me and I gulped again. "Come on, do this for me? I'm sick and I don't think I can take dealing with them."

"You're lucky you're cute."

I pretended to be offended. "So now I'm only eye candy for you?" The corners of his mouth tipped up slightly.

"Unless you'd like to be more?"

I was treading on thin ice and I knew it. "You sure you could handle being more?" Before I knew it, he had grabbed my wrist and pulled me flush up against him. I opened my mouth but no sounds came out.

"I think the question is, can you?" Then he kissed me. There plenty of tongue and grabbing along with the kiss as well and when we parted, I felt extremely guilty. Damn it Stephanie, this is what you get! I patted his chest and tried to regain my breath.

"As a matter of fact, I can stick with eye candy." I was hopeless. Ranger smiled at me.

"Babe."

My Grandma Mazur was the one who answered the door when we arrived. She was dressed in a flowered white dress that stopped right above her knees, exposing her extremely skinny legs. The dress had no straps and she had on makeup with high heels. Even though Grandma Mazur's skin had started to slacken and droop, you could tell that she used to be a beauty in her time.

"Dressed for any special reason?" I asked her. She eyed Ranger who was standing behind me.

"I heard we was having a guest." She whispered to me and I tried to contain a smile. "Did he cut his hair? And get more sexy looking?"

"Yes he cut his hair and I'm not sure about the other one." I shrugged, smiling back at him. He had his arm crossed over his chest and was staring at us both. Grandma Mazur did a little finger wave and I saw his mouth twitch.

"Stephanie, is that you?" Mom to the rescue. "And hello again Ranger." I waved and he nodded. "Well come in and eat. Dinner's almost ready." We all shuffled in with me standing in between Ranger and my Grandma so she wouldn't be tempted to grab and get her finger broken. "Stephanie, you look...sick."

I felt my face get red. I completely forgot that I was still in my grey hoodie and sweatpants. Not only that but I had spent almost the whole day looking completely terrible around Ranger. I turned towards him and found him staring at me, humor in his eyes.

"How does a bounty hunter get sick anyway?" Grandma Mazur was saying as we all sat down at the table. She turned to Ranger who had been smart enough not to sit beside her. "Have you ever been sick?"

"No."

"Never?" My mother asked, placing bowls around. I followed my dad's example and started shoveling things onto my plate, keeping my head low.

"See there, he's an experience bounty hunter. Never been sick a day of his life. Reminds me of me." Grandma Mazur said. I heard my dad mumble something along the lines of "Crazy old bat."

"Well I mean, all humans get sick." My mother said, settling down in her seat. She turned to Ranger. "You are human aren't you?" I nearly spit out my mashed potatoes and covered my face with my hands to muffle my laughs.

"That's what they tell me." Ranger said. I peeked out at him and saw he was smiling. Ha, he found my family amusing.

"Oh well good. I wouldn't want Stephanie marrying someone who wasn't."

I stopped dead and looked at my mom like she was insane. "M-M-Marr..what!?" First, Gazara calling me Mrs. Morelli, and now this. Stephanie Ranger? How would that sound? Well technically, it'd be Stephanie Manoso but whatever.

"Aren't you two dating?" My mother asked.

"I'm with Joe!"

"So Ranger's available?" Grandma Mazur jumped in. I glanced at Ranger who had his head down, putting green beans on his plate while his body shook with laughter.

"Are you?" I whispered to him. He gave me a full on smile and I rolled my eyes.

"Where is Joe?" My mom asked.

"Away on business." I told her, forking in some of my potatoes and Pot roast.

"So you're shacking up with Ranger until he comes back? Nice plan!" Grandma Mazur cheered.

"It's NOT like that!"

"You like my daughter?" My mom turned to Ranger.

"Mom!"

"More then anything." Ranger said. I nearly had a heart attack. My mom and Grandma clapped and fluttered there eyelashes.

"Aww!" They both rejoiced. "You cannot let him get away!"Then they went into their own little world, listening, chatting about what the wedding would look like as my father finished his plate and walked away.

"This is all you're fault." I pointed my fork at Ranger and he smiled. "This is NOT funny. They're planning our wedding!"

Ranger shrugged and leaned in to whisper. "Now maybe next time you won't go tasering my men. And I suggest you get your Grandma because if she touches my leg again, I'll break her arm."

It was late when we finally left my parents house and arrived at my apartment building. I was tired and my head was still pounding. Ranger guided me to the couch and dumped me onto it before taking a seat beside me. I yawned and sat up.

"Thanks for today." I said, rubbing at my eyes.

"Your color's returning." He observed, rubbing my cheek. I felt my stomach warm up.

"Good thing?"

"Hopefully." He let his and drop and I felt instant relief. Whenever we seemed to touch, bad things happened. He stood up and I started to have a mini panic attack.

"Where ya going?" I asked, trying to sound casual.

"Home. It's almost midnight." He said, stretching. I pouted and he sighed. "What?"

"You can't stay and keep my company?" Okay, here was where the problem was. Ranger was hot. Smoking hot. And I was physically attracted to him, I mean, who the hell wasn't? We had had what people would call a "one night stand" but now, looking back on it, I don't think Ranger wanted just one night. So, I'm sitting here with this really great, smoking hot guy whom I loved and I couldn't do anything but ask him for company.

Love sucked. Not only that but I couldn't imagine Ranger staying without his own agenda in mind. Maybe it was best if he did leave. Surprisingly, he slumped down beside me and threw his arm across my shoulder.

"You're staying?"

"I thought you wanted me to."

"I didn't actually think you would."

He looked down at me and he smiled. "Afraid?"

That was the second time he asked me that. "No." Liar.

"Relax. I'm not going to do anything that would make you not loyal to Morelli." He picked up the remote and turned on the T.V., switching through channels until he found a game. I snuggled into him, liking his warmth and the feel of being protected.

"Ranger?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Depends."

"Did you really mean what you said? To my mom?" I looked up at him, the light from the T.V sprinkling across his face.

"What I'd say?"

"That you liked me." He didn't say anything and I sighed and put my head on his chest and closed my eyes. I guess I couldnt get everything I wanted. Stingy Stephanie. A few seconds later, he kissed my forehead.

"No I didn't mean that." He whispered in my ear. "I don't like you. I love you." I felt my heart swell and I rubbed the tears away before he could see them.

"Are you willing to say that again while I get a tape recorder?"

Half smile. "Babe."

Haha, Oh man, I love Ranger :D Totally pointless random day, I know but hey, isn't that what Stephanie Plum is all about? Also, I'm sorry if I spelled one of the character's name's wrong! D: Tried my best. All the books are at my cousins so I couldn't look 'em up.

Review Yes? I'd appreciate it.