Chucklenuts
"HOLY SHIT GUYS, IT'S A SQUIRREL!"
The squirrel in question, exploring the BLU battlements of 2Fort, chittered and looked up. It watched warily as the Scout of the BLU team approached, unaware of the doom it was about to subject itself to by not sprinting away at the first sign of this insane boy.
"And it's even fuckin' blue!" the Scout exclaimed, adding in an extra swear word because he was rebellious. The young boy (because calling him a man was way too much of a stretch) quickly knelt down, snagging the poor squirrel with a shocking speed, and stood, holding the squirming animal in his hands and ignoring the fangs ripping his fingers apart.
"Yo, Snipes, see this shit?" the Scout said, indicating the poor Australian on the battlements as well, who was simply trying to pass time with the company of a book, a coffee pot and a few jars.
"Oi... Yeah. It's a squirrel. Amazin'," the Sniper murmured, quickly returning to his reading.
"But it's fuckin' blue!"
"Looks more of a grayish to me, actually," the Sniper replied, not looking up.
The Scout, logically, chose to ignore him. With bloody fingers he patted the squirrel, which had stopped and gone still, on the head. Then, unsure how to hold it, he simple wrapped a hand around his waist and turned to the Sniper. "Yo-"
"Go away, please," the Sniper interrupted, ignoring him. The Scout scowled at him and, as the Sniper wasn't paying attention, dumped some of the contents of one of his open jars into his half-filled coffee cup. He quickly ran off then to look for the Medic, not noticing the fact that his faithful squirrel companion had used its teeth to its fullest abilities and escaped from the boy's grasp.
The squirrel turned, ignoring the Australian's sudden surprised and angry scream, and wandered over to the edge of the battlements, peering down. It was a long fall down, the squirrel realized (how did it even get up there in the first place? Do squirrel's even have good memories? Let's just assume the squirrel was smart enough to not jump to its death there) and so it turned and skittered further into the base and directly into a pair of boots.
The squirreled shied back, away from the man peering down at it - although "peering" was a bit of an overstatement, as his face was covered by a large helmet. The squirrel didn't process this, of course, and - unlike us - it also didn't know that this was the BLU Soldier.
The Soldier lifted his helmet up with a thumb, a thoughtful look on his face as he examined the cowering squirrel. His face brightened up suddenly, and he exclaimed, "You'll do!" before grabbing the squirrel and, ignoring the fangs ripping his fingers apart, marched off.
"Alright, soldiers!" exclaimed the Soldier to the group of animals that were not even close to being soldiers. The squirrel - who had officially been named "Chucklenuts" by Scout, who hadn't notice the squirrel's disappearance (let's blame the blood loss) glanced around the room warily. A trio of raccoons were locked in glorious combat with a chair; a dove had wandered its way into the room curiously; and a chameleon that definitely wasn't stolen from Sniper sat on a table, watching the room dully.
"You are the newly formed elites of BLU!" the Soldier continued, pacing back and forth. "Tomorrow, exactly thirteen minutes after dawn, you will launch a surprise attack at the REDs!"
Of course, none of the animals knew what he was talking about, but a raccoon took it upon himself to launch himself at the Soldier with fangs bared. The Soldier, unaware of this act, continued to keep pacing, ignoring the raccoon slamming into the wall and sliding down in disappointment.
"I have stoImeanacquired some tiny, unmanly weapons for you!" the Soldier said. "After your attack, you will be dishonorably discharged, you god damn cowards!" From his coat, he pulled out a knife and revolver that might be oddly familiar to those who know of the classes' weapons.
"Now," he said, grabbing the knife and subtly not-subtly inching towards the chameleon, "I must take it upon myself to teach you maggots how to use this pansy weapon! I will also be dishonorably discharged! You are welcome! Stop running, you color-changing baby!"
"Herr Soldier I will cut out your lungs and replace them with cat eyes if you steal one of my doves again!" The door burst open, prompting the raccoons to flee and Chucklenuts to cower in the corner again. Seriously, does this squirrel do anything but cower?
"Aw, I didn't steal your dumb pigeon bird thing," the Soldier shrugged, ignoring the death glare the German was sending at him as the doctor grabbed his dove and held it close to his body. "Besides, we don't even have a cat!" The Medic opened his mouth, thought about it for a moment, and then decided to not pursue the matter further, instead settling his dove onto his shoulder. He turned to leave, completely ignoring the not-Sniper's-actually-the-Sniper's chameleon, when he paused.
"Oh, you're new."
"I suppose you're vhat the Scout was looking for, eh?" the Medic said casually as he glanced at the terrified squirrel strapped down to a small tray. "Oh, vell. He can find another squirrel, I'm sure. Hold still, please," he mumbled as he traced a scalpel over where he assumed the squirrel's heart to be. One of the many doves overhead cooed; the Medic jerked his head up suddenly, looking around.
"Oh, yes, I almost forgot!" the Medic said suddenly, chuckling slightly. "I wouldn't want to get my gloves dirty, now," he said casually as he set the scalpel down and pulled the rubber off. Chucklenuts squirmed in his restraints, staring upwards; he locked eyes with a dove, and the bird apparently took pity for the poor thing, because the dove flew downwards and tried to peck the squirrel's eyes out.
"Ach! Archimedes, stop that!" The Medic rushed over, trying to bat his dove away, and Chucklenuts scored a quick bite on the dove's wing. The dove reared, beak pecking away some of the clumsily applied tape (ahem, "restraints") holding down the squirrel. Chucklenuts squirmed and Archimedes leaped into the air as the Medic went to smack the squirrel, tossing the tray onto the floor below.
Chucklenuts righted himself and began to hurriedly drag himself away with an astounding speed. The Medic yelped, leaping forward and tripping over his coat, fingers reaching for the squirrel. They wrapped around the tray, allowing Chucklenuts to rip away the tape with little pain. The squirrel dashed out of the open door, yelling and ignoring Archimedes' arrogant taunts thrown after him. These had no effect, of course, because different animal species do not have magical all-animal-but-human language.
Chucklenuts fled through the confusing stone labyrinth the BLUs called a base, occasionally hearing an upset German behind him. Eventually, though, he lost the mad doctor and curled up in a corner, wrapping his tail around his body and watching around him warily. Of course, a squirrel can only have so much bad luck, so he figured that at this point his bad luck had run out-
The Pyro rounded the corner and stopped to stare at the squirrel.
Ah, hell.
Fifteen seconds later, Chucklenuts was in a panicked frenzy, dashing around in circles and trying to shake out the fire on his tail while the Pyro watched on, lighter in hand and occasionally letting out small giggles.
"Pyro, stop that!" The Pyro straightened instantly, letting out a small gasp at being found, and subtly not-subtly hid the lighter behind its back. The Engineer frowned slightly at the Pyro and, with one hand, softly held the squirrel in place, and with the other raised his wrench oh god Engie what are you doing-
The Engineer lightly tapped the squirrel with his wrench, and the fire went out. Oh geez that thing really is useful, huh?
"Sorry 'bout that, little fella," the Engineer said, smiling slightly at the wary squirrel. "Want me to escort ya out?"
Chucklenuts, deciding to not take any more risks with the crazies of the BLU team, shook his head, chittered a bit, and dashed off. Surely by this point the poor squirrel would be able to escape without more incident-
"Oh hey Chucklenuts, I been lookin' all over for ya!"
Oh, for fu-
The Scout scooped up Chucklenuts before the unfortunate squirrel could flee once more. Chucklenuts squirmed, and the Scout tsk'd, frowning.
"Nuh-uh, Chucklenuts, I don't wanna go back to the Medic again, see?" the Scout said, strolling into the rec room to display his pet to the world. "You almost tore off two a' my fingers! Oh man, you're the champ. After me, a' course," he added as an afterthought.
"Scout why zhe hell do you have zhat," the Spy questioned as he spotted the Scout striding in with his squirrel companion.
"He's my new com-... compa- buddy! He's my new buddy!" the Scout replied, grinning stupidly.
"...What?"
"I found him outside!" the Scout continued. "He's even fuckin' blue, see?"
"Mann Co. probably painted it like zhat," the Spy scowled, "and planted it outside for idiots like you. I'd bet if you looked in Mann Co. news zhey recently started zelling squirrel care products."
"Yeah, right, you're just jealous," the Scout responded.
A few hours later Chucklenuts fell into the moat and all the paint washed off him, so the Scout kicked him out, which was probably a blessing for the poor animal. So the squirrel happily began to prance away from the BLUs base, ready to start its new, mercenary free life-
"HOLY SHIT GUYS, IT'S A SQUIRREL!"
There's a hint to my next oneshot in here. See if you can find it, and thanks for reading! :D