Prologue, aka Not Necessary to Read

"I'm gonna do it."

Zaine looked up from his breakfast and stared at the one who spoke, still chewing on the poppyseed muffin he had taken a rather large bite out of. "Uh…what?"

"I, as in me, am gonna do it," HE said again. "Ya know, the new and improved plan we have been discussing lately?"

A moment of silence as the blond swallowed. But it was soon followed by a look of horror as the levity of HIS words finally dawned on the professor, eyes downcast to the muffin he was enjoying just a moment before. "What have I done?" Zaine whispered aloud, his words echoing in his office like they were trapped in a void.

The mysterious other person in the room rolled his eyes, dispelling the quote as if it were steam rising from a fresh cup of coffee. "Relax, you've done nothing. I've decided to scale up and change the whole thing."

With a sigh, Zaine looked over at the person with a slightly less horrified expression. "Okay, fine. What're we doing this time?"

HE smiled, all teeth. "Magic; more specifically, adding more magic. Even more specifically, I've decided to revamp the entirety of the universe to include systems of magic from other franchises."

Zaine raised an eyebrow. "…That sounds…actually kinda interesting. What systems are we talking about here?"

IT laughed. "I'm so glad you asked." He brought out various charts and graphs from…somewhere. "To start: the Dragon Age franchise. I'm importing the specialization classes from the three games."

"DA:O DLC included?" Zaine asked.

"Obviously," the figure rolled his eyes. "Also obviously, the mage specializations can't be directly imported without adding in The Fade, so I'm not doing that. Instead, I'm altering the descriptions of the classes to fit in with the HP Universe, and we'll bring in Vgatahvi to teach some Intro classes for the years beyond. I'll email you the basic descriptions, and we'll put it up as a resource guide."

Zaine nodded, totally on board so far; pretty reasonable.

The figure cackled I glee upon seeing its cohort so intrigued. "Next up is Elder Scrolls!"

Zaine blanched. "What. The fuck. We're adding Daedra?! Dammit, dude, I'm an editor of sorts, not a miracle worker!"

"Heh," HE laughed. "Not the gods, but the system of doing a quest for the gods and getting a magic item. That'll add a bit of work for me…researching Celtic deities and the like, but I'll have a bit of fun with it regardless."

"Thank the Muffins…" Zaine breathed a sigh of relief. "That sounds much more reasonable...Wait…are the Celts somewhat sane?"

"Not so far," The figure smiled. "There's this one guy who paid some dude with ham and bacon to fight some other dude. FYI, the dude that fought was disguised as the first dude."

The blond deadpanned. "I did not follow that at all, and that frightens me."

IT waved him off. "I exaggerated for comedic effect, and that was only the description I got from one website, don't worry about it."

Zaine rubbed his temples. "Alright, I'll take your word for it, even if you've been proven batshit insane. What's next?"

Now it was the figure's turn to deadpan. "You really should learn not to tempt me like that, because I'm adding in Fairy Logic."

Zaine froze. "I say again. What. The. FUCK?!" He screamed.

"Yup." IT smacked his lips together for drama. "Specifically, the Fairy Logic from Tyranny; the 'Power of Belief' as it were."

"How…," Zaine managed to croak, "…the fuck does that work?"

"Don't worry about it, it'll all work out." The figure smiled comfortingly.

Zaine whimpered.

From a corner of the office, Draco Malfoy raised his hand. "Why am I here?"

The figure sighed. "We've told you, we need you here so we can say this is a Harry Potter fic."

Draco frowned. He never should have accepted the invitation for dinner from Polina. Her Uncles were always like this. "Polina, can you pass the Butterbeer?"

Polina gave her own frown, having been distracted by potatoes. "Draco, you know I don't like it when you drink that stuff. It's indicative of a larger problem, and my Husbando will not be a useless layabout!"

The Malfoy boy sighed again. "I need something to help me deal with your family."

Suddenly, a glass of Butterbeer was shoved in his face. "I understand completely." IT answered. Slowly, HE then frowned. "Hey, did we even mention who I am?"

Zaine scratched his chin in thought, eyes looking up at the ceiling. "No…why didn't we?"

IT snapped his fingers. "I probably wanted our fans to know we aren't dead yet and show that Zaine and I are sorta self-inserts of a different nature, that being we are ideal versions of ourselves, but still not quite the same. We kept my identity secret because I'm a character that will be introduced, just…later in the story. End of the second year, early third year tops."

Zaine nodded. "That makes sense. Sorta." He chuckled, "Man, this is Deadpool levels of meta, isn't it?"

The figure nodded. "A little bit more, I think. The writer and editor are addressing the audience semi-directly. Not so much breaking the fourth wall, more like finding a window and climbing through it to have brunch with the readers."

Draco frowned. "I need more Butterbeer, this whole shebang is somehow starting to make sense."

Zaine took his cup away from him quickly yet casually. "If it made sense, you need less."

Polina raised her hand. "There's just one thing I want to know…"

The figure motioned for her to continue.

"Why do I remember Zaine sending us back home and coming back to a whole new world?"

The figure smiled maliciously. "Oh, that. Don't you worry your small little head about it, and never mention it again. It never happened, consider it an AU."

Polina sighed. Uncle Mysterious Figure was crazier than the rest of them combined; probably a result of his in-progress origin story, which was the whole reason he took a vacation in the middle of his job as Ministry employee.

"Hey, since this is a prologue, shouldn't we…I don't know, do something?" Zaine said sarcastically.

"Point taken, you sarcastic asshole." The figure snarked.

"Arsehole," Zaine snarked back. "This is Britain."

"Stuff it arsehole."

Polina banged her fist on the table. "GET ON WITH IT!"

The mysteriously mysterious figure shrugged. "Meh. I'll do it next week."

Draco looked up from his pudding dessert. "Next week, as in the week Harry's coming over to visit?"

"Obviously, what kinda lazy dialogue is that though?" HE raised an eye. "Exposition sucks, who cares about us sitting around the table talking about stuff when we could show everyone that stuff is being done. Fuck, I'm so glad I'm getting back into my hobby again in a couple days, research and general planning is boring."

Polina threw a roll at the figure. "Don't complain, you would've never thought about making this a crossover thing without a break!"

Draco swayed in place, a cup of Butterbeer in one hand and a banana-nut muffin in the other. "Or," he slurred. "If you did start imma-immedediat-right away, it would've been too late to start changing stuffs!"

Zaine gasped and glared at Polina. "Niece! You know better than to let the lightweights eat my specialty muffins!"

The figure laughed. "Yeah, this is gonna be fun."

Harry Potter and Second the Careless Whispers

Chapter One:

Harry's Day Off

The Tonks house arose as it usually did in the mornings, with Harry battling a house elf for the right to make his own breakfast while the rest refusing to acknowledge existence until coffee. It was only recently that the regular routine included the hooting of another owl. The Tonks owl, amusedly named Algol and known for pecking everyone for no reason, was currently cowering in the corner due to Hedwig being an owl to NOT be trifled with.

With a sigh, Ted looked over at Harry. "I don't know whether or not to be proud of you, you know." He took a sip from his coffee. "On the one hand, you've managed to save Hogwarts from certain doom; a resoundingly good thing, to be sure. On the other hand, you've endangered your life to do so. And that's a bad thing, a very very bad thing."

Andromeda set her cup down. "Harry, for doing the bad thing, you're grounded. For doing the good thing, your sentence is over. Problem solved, Ted. Go make another pot of coffee so I can deal with the heartwarming feeling of knowing I raised Harry right, and the headache of knowing I raised him oh so wrong."

Ted sighed again, then did as his wife bade him too.

Nym giggled into her cup. And she thought her schooling antics were intense!

Harry rolled his eyes. "It's not like I meant to 'save the school.' The whole plan was to throw things at the bad guy and run away screaming! Things just…took a weird turn is all."

"A 'weird turn' he says." Nym snorted. "Back in my day, a 'weird turn' was when you bumped into a professor after you set up a prank for the git who got too big fer his britches."

Harry smiled softly. He loved his family, he truly did. "I'm leaving you all." He declared.

Andromeda raised an eyebrow. "About bloody time, have you got everything packed?"

Harry nodded.

"Do remember us fondly, dear cousin," Nym whispered.

"Mind your arse on the way out," Ted said as he brought over a pot of coffee for the family.

Harry giggled. "I'll see you all again when it's time for shopping, and I'll tell Polina's family thanks for letting me stay over."

Andromeda huffed. "Dash my hopes that one of the two children in this house moves out anytime soon, will you? No dessert for the next eight hours."

"This is me," Nym frowned at her mother, "really feeling the love. So thankful."

Harry giggled and finished his breakfast eagerly. "Can I go over to Polina's now?" He was finally going to meet more of her mysterious uncles! Well, he knew who they were, but he didn't know them. But he wanted to; maybe if he spent long enough in their presence, he'd catch whatever it was that allowed Polina to be so competent.

Andromeda smiled at him. "Yes, you can just leave your poor family behind for a family you don't even know yet. We'll be fine, honest."

Nym forced herself to start crying. Such a good girl, helping her dear mother with these games… Harry ran out of the room, and thus did not see Nym start crying. And even if he did, he wouldn't have cared since she used that gag too much when he was younger.

As soon as he entered the Floo Room, he lunged for the powder and threw it in the fireplace. But then he realized that nothing was happening, so he lit the fire first and then threw more powder in the fireplace. "The Second Most Magnificent Manor!" He stated as clearly as he could. Before shutting his eyes and tucking in his elbows, a deep breath inhaling into his lungs before leaping headfirst into the Floo.

Only to fall headfirst into a bear hug from Polina.

"Harry! SO glad you could make it! I can't wait to show you around!" She let him go only to drag him off towards the door. Harry didn't even try to resist.

When the duo entered the house proper, the first thing he noticed was how…homey…it was. The first time Polina stated that her house was 'The Second Most Magnificent Manor,' his first thought was that it was sure to be extremely opulent. But…it wasn't! There were comfy chairs around the living room, each facing each other and with a varying number of chairs to ensure that no matter how many people there were in the room, someone was always going to talk with someone. In each corner of this room, however, a single lone chair and a bookcase stood. For…some reason.

Polina held him upright and began her 'tour guide' speech: "Obviously, first is the living room! Each corner bookcase has a selection of fiction, non-fiction, magical tomes, and science! All the science. That corner is mine." She gripped his arm and glared at him so hard he felt like spontaneous combustion would feel less intense. "Moving on!" She happily declared and dragged him off to another room. "This, this is the dining room. You may eat here. But under no circumstances are you to enter the kitchen. That is beyond our borders, and you must never go there, Harry. All that lies in that area is pain. Pain and Uncle Vic's Eggnog stash." She said with such solemn seriousness that Harry felt himself nod in agreement even though he had no idea what she meant by that.

After that, she showed him a few more rooms which were off-limits, which included all of her family's rooms. He must not have been paying much attention, because he couldn't remember all of the names that she said. What a horrible guest he was.

"And with that, the tour is complete!" Polina said with a smile.

Harry smiled back, it was impossible not to like this girl, seriously. "It's very nice. One thing I noticed though, where's the guest rooms?"

Polina giggled. "We don't have a guestroom; if anyone comes over and they need a bed, they just stay in the room of whoever invited them over in the first place. If someone wants their own room, then they have to literally petition the fam for a Right To Chill Whenever and get their own room. It's a lengthy process. We…we aren't a very sociable group, you see."

Harry looked at her completely gobsmacked.

Polina pouted and folded her arms. "Okay, we are but…well it can be hard for us to get along with most people well enough that they can spend the night. Draco is literally my fiancé, and we don't have a room for him yet." She frowned in thought. "Actually, it takes a long time for all of us to really open ourselves up to the world. It's why despite our family being so very large, you only see a few of us at a time….even with the few new fam members being brought in here and there."

Harry…supposed that made sense; if the house were shared between many people, then there'd probably need to be a majority vote to add rooms to the home. And then there were the family members themselves he…Wait…

"New family members?"

Polina blinked. "Hm? Oh yeah, that. Our family is huge, and so we have to wait on the others to get our message on this place and eventually arrive. Uncle Zaine mentioned, for example, that he has a little sister who is coming over soon. Which means I get a new auntie!" The raven-haired girl jumped up and down in excitement.

Her squeal raised in pitch as she was lifted off of the floor into the arms of a tall and portly man, muscled like a blacksmith. Though, his attire said otherwise: a snazzy black button up shirt with a rural native necklace laced with feathers, stones, and beads instead of a tie. Gray slacks that fit comfortably with a snakeskin belt complete with a large silver buckle that looked like a gear. A slightly tan trench coat comfortably worn on top of all the layers, accented with polished dark leather shoes and a leather cowboy hat with an animal skull adorned on the front. His short natural bone white hair held a single curl on his forehead that resembled that one comic book superhero that wore a red cape and had that big S on his chest. Going down his cheeks were equally white sideburns that gave a stark contrast to the bright green eyes that were currently eyeing the wild Polina in his arms.

"What do we have here? Why, it is my wildling of a niece!" A light Italian accent shouted in Polina's ear, the necklace of rural native animal skulls and obsidian arrow points and multi-colored stones the bearer of the voice wore jingling. "Truer words were never spoken! I've talked to He-Who-Demands-Eggnog, and he told me he won't leave the house for another year!" Even his laugh was boisterous.

"Uncle Vee!" Polina tore at his arms like a wildcat. "Put me down, or you'll lose these arms!"

Said Uncle laughed and dropped Polina on the floor. "How many times have you attempted and how many have you managed?" He asked with a wry grin, before tapering off as his eyes landed on Harry. "Polina, you didn't say we would have a guest." He frowned in confusion, though his frown turned curious as he eyed Harry up and down in a quizzical yet observing manner. "He's got the scrawny look, but is lacking the ferret feel of the one you've been bringing around lately."

Polina kicked him in the shin, to no effect whatsoever. "This is Harry Potter, Uncle Vee, and he's my guest, so be nice." She venomously whispered the last part of her sentence.

"Ah! Where are my manners, you may refer to me as Vgatahvi Techno, or simply Vee if you like." He said with an overly large smile. So far, this one seemed even more cheerful and approachable than Zaine even with his tank built physique.

Harry nodded politely. Polina was enthusiastic, but the sheer energy of this man was throwing him off. Frankly, he couldn't speak. He felt terrible for this, but he really hoped he wouldn't have to spend a lot of time with this man. He didn't think his poor heart could take it.

Vee smiled ferally as if he could read the boy's mind. "I'll be joining you all at Hogwarts this year as one of your Professors."

Harry whimpered.

"That's the spirit, boy! Get yourself ready for a whole butt-ton of learning and other shit, cause we are gonna go on a journey through the mind and spirit of true science!" Vee laughed maliciously. Then he coughed a few times. "Excuse me, I am sometimes overcome with the feeling of being trapped in my own head and all its musings. So how's things?" His manner abruptly turned jovial.

Polina rolled her eyes. "Things are progressing, and the stuff is happening." She grabbed Harry's arm and dragged him outside.

Vee blinked before giving a merry wave. "Right, well I was off to my lab anywhose after I snagged a beer. You both stay sane and out of trouble, especially you, Polina! If you got a problem, lather it in barbeque sauce! Always helps!"

Once her uncle was out of sight, the girl huffed. "Sorry about him, he's…kinda odd. But he's generally a nice guy, as long as you don't break his stuff." She shuddered, lost in memory. "Don't break his stuff…"

The duo decided to spend the day doing mundane things like yard work.

"Catch the pixies!" Polina screamed from somewhere.

"They are too many, and we are too few!" Harry cried back, armed with a wooden spoon and a trash can lid.

"Fight on my brother!"

"Pixie demons take you, sister!"

They had a picnic.

"Where's the PB&J?" Harry asked while digging around a basket.

"Dig deep, past the mashed potatoes," Polina answered, munching on some chips.

"It's up to my arms, woman!" He snapped.

"Then shove your head in there!" She retorted.

They played games.

"Draw four!" Polina shouted over her fan of cards held in her hand in a vice grip.

"Fool, you've activated my trap card, Greedy Barrell!" Harry shouted back, flipping one of the cards on the table over.

"Double the fool are you, now I can summon The Forbidden One!" The girl grinned in triumph.

"Reverse!" Harry grinned back.

"Ballocks!"

They took a nap.

Serenity and quiet filled the dining room where Polina and Harry were snoozing, one laying under the table as the other was draped over it. Nothing seemed to wake either of them, even with the random noises that echoed throughout the manor and the casual appearance of Shine Azure as he walked in, saw what was going on, and was about to scare one of the kids awake when they were saved by the timely appearance of a nurse Harry had sometimes seen back at the hospital wing in Hogwarts. Seeing what Shine was up to, she had dragged the rapscallion out by his ear, all the while muttering something about him using his talents for helping the new family member move in instead of harassing young adults in need of sleep.

The peace continued.

"WHOSE HAND WAS I HOLDING?!" Harry suddenly sat up and screamed at the top of his lungs, head banging on the underside of the dining table. His gaze shifted from the underside of the table to his hand, and he relaxed in an instant. "Oh, it's just a ghoul, I was worried for a minute…"

Silence resumed.

"Wait WHAT?!"

They talked about kid stuff.

"I'm telling you, John Major will usher in a Glorious Brittania!"

"As if, his proposals are weak and he seems a craven, we must rally behind Neil Kinnock!"

"Ever the fool, democratic socialism will fail, and this so-called 'social justice' is merely a fad!"

"You…well…at least I don't have liberal democratic tendencies!"

"…too far…"

"Yeah, that was unfair of me, truce?"

"I'd sooner die, but yes."

Yes, all quite normal activities that any child could replicate at their normal home. And the duo was having a rather grand day. That is…until Harry saw a pair of eyes in the bushes, glaring at Polina.

[A/N]: Man, it feels weird to get back into this after a month off…anyway, if I'm being honest, don't expect this book to be the best, we're condensing two years into this thing so we can move on to the fourth book where things will get intense. Personal note, I don't know how I feel about ko-fi, so I might disregard my ethical stance and make a account…integrity doesn't pay our bills…

[E/N]: So, Author…it has come down to this. Mano a mano, man to man. Just you, and me, and less than a day to edit this chapter?!