The Things You Always Knew
by J. Lynn (j.lynn@email.com)
Disclaimer: I don't own them, never claimed to own them, and saddly enough, will never get any money from them.
Dedicated to the lovely people on Draco_101 who have given me a tremendous amount of inspiration.
It's funny the things you never knew you didn't know.
It's funny the things you've always known.
Six years ago I didn't know I was a wizard.
But then I've always known I was different from other people.
I didn't know that a person called Voldemort killed my parents, rather than an oncoming Volkswagen.
But I've always known they must have been extraordinary people for the Dursleys to hate them so much.
I didn't know that wherever I went people would stare in awe because I was the "Boy Who Lived".
But I've always known that there's no real reason for anyone to pay much attention to me, despite what they think.
Five years ago I didn't know that talking to snakes was a bad thing.
Five years ago I didn't know wizards had prejudices.
But I've always known that judging someone for something that they can't help, and you can't understand, is wrong. And I've always known I would never be able to do that.
At least I thought I knewÉ
Four years ago I didn't know what my parents screams sounded like. I didn't know I had a Godfather. I didn't know I could defeat dementors.
But I always knew that I would be able to pull through any situation, be able to survive.
At least I thought I knewÉ
Three years ago I didn't know that you could kill someone by doing the right thing. I didn't know that a friend could betray someone so completely. I didn't know anyone could be so evil that just being near them could be worse than Cruciatus.
But I've always known that a flash of green was a beautifully horrifying thing. Something so seductive that it could destroy you even as it wrapped around you like a lover. There's nothing else like it, nothing that can compare.
Or at least that's what I thoughtÉ.
Two years ago I didn't know that the death of a friend could pull apart your world like nothing you ever knew. I didn't know that losing one would mean losing two, then three, then everyone, until you're walking around in a bubble that nothing and no one will or wants to breach.
But I've always known that things don't hurt if you seal them away. That emotions can be gotten rid of rather than felt, and that it's much easier than anyone would ever think. And once they're gone, you're surrounded by a vast emptiness that no bridge can cross. And I've always known that it ends up being better that way.
At least I thought I knewÉ
One year ago I didn't know working to kill an enemy would gain me an ally. I didn't know that you could learn things you never knew you didn't know from your arch nemesis. I never knew that a person you never expected to understand your ideals can understand your soul better than you do.
But I always knew that understanding would lead to the downfall of anyone or anything. I always knew that it was necessary to embrace evil at times to bring about the good. And I always knew exactly what was evil.
Or at least I thought I didÉ
Ten months ago I didn't know that three of the people I had cared for most in the world were still alive in Voldemort's fortress.
But I knew that even with them back I was still empty, a walking black hole.
Six months ago I didn't know that my ally would leave soon as his work was done.
But I knew it was for the best. I hoped.
Three months ago I didn't know what it would be like to laugh with Ron and Hermionie again.
But I knew that things would never quite go back to the way they were.
A month ago I didn't know I had a middle name. I didn't know that a Harry James Frances Potter would be inducted into the Order of Merlin along with Draco Agustus Ocatavian Thomas Rienwald Malfoy.
But I knew that when we began talking it would be the same old insults, and that didn't bother me.
Three weeks ago I didn't know that we would decide to meet at the Cafine Kick every other day so as to insult each other more often.
But I knew that when I went home at night, my spirit was lighter than it had ever been.
A week and a half ago I didn't think twice about grabbing his hand and pulling a protesting Malfoy into a muggle cinema.
But I knew he'd love James Bond.
Two days ago I didn't know that when he kissed me I would feel butterflies in my stomach and a permanent grin on my face.
But I knew that I'd been feeling those butterflies for a while.
Yesterday I didn't know I was in love with Draco Malfoy.
But I knew I had always been in love with him somewhere.
Today I realized just what Draco Malfoy is, and what he had managed to do. He worked his way past judgements I had made about him. He helped me to live instead of just survive. He is more seductive than any flash of green light, and the only one who could fill the emptiness that I had surrounded myself with.
He is the ruination to so many of the things I always knew.
And the foundation of so many more.
I don't know what it would be like to be with him always.
But I know that's what I want.
And I know that's what I'll want tomorrow.
And for every day that comes after.
It's all I'll ever want.
Forever and ever.
fin
by J. Lynn (j.lynn@email.com)
Disclaimer: I don't own them, never claimed to own them, and saddly enough, will never get any money from them.
Dedicated to the lovely people on Draco_101 who have given me a tremendous amount of inspiration.
It's funny the things you never knew you didn't know.
It's funny the things you've always known.
Six years ago I didn't know I was a wizard.
But then I've always known I was different from other people.
I didn't know that a person called Voldemort killed my parents, rather than an oncoming Volkswagen.
But I've always known they must have been extraordinary people for the Dursleys to hate them so much.
I didn't know that wherever I went people would stare in awe because I was the "Boy Who Lived".
But I've always known that there's no real reason for anyone to pay much attention to me, despite what they think.
Five years ago I didn't know that talking to snakes was a bad thing.
Five years ago I didn't know wizards had prejudices.
But I've always known that judging someone for something that they can't help, and you can't understand, is wrong. And I've always known I would never be able to do that.
At least I thought I knewÉ
Four years ago I didn't know what my parents screams sounded like. I didn't know I had a Godfather. I didn't know I could defeat dementors.
But I always knew that I would be able to pull through any situation, be able to survive.
At least I thought I knewÉ
Three years ago I didn't know that you could kill someone by doing the right thing. I didn't know that a friend could betray someone so completely. I didn't know anyone could be so evil that just being near them could be worse than Cruciatus.
But I've always known that a flash of green was a beautifully horrifying thing. Something so seductive that it could destroy you even as it wrapped around you like a lover. There's nothing else like it, nothing that can compare.
Or at least that's what I thoughtÉ.
Two years ago I didn't know that the death of a friend could pull apart your world like nothing you ever knew. I didn't know that losing one would mean losing two, then three, then everyone, until you're walking around in a bubble that nothing and no one will or wants to breach.
But I've always known that things don't hurt if you seal them away. That emotions can be gotten rid of rather than felt, and that it's much easier than anyone would ever think. And once they're gone, you're surrounded by a vast emptiness that no bridge can cross. And I've always known that it ends up being better that way.
At least I thought I knewÉ
One year ago I didn't know working to kill an enemy would gain me an ally. I didn't know that you could learn things you never knew you didn't know from your arch nemesis. I never knew that a person you never expected to understand your ideals can understand your soul better than you do.
But I always knew that understanding would lead to the downfall of anyone or anything. I always knew that it was necessary to embrace evil at times to bring about the good. And I always knew exactly what was evil.
Or at least I thought I didÉ
Ten months ago I didn't know that three of the people I had cared for most in the world were still alive in Voldemort's fortress.
But I knew that even with them back I was still empty, a walking black hole.
Six months ago I didn't know that my ally would leave soon as his work was done.
But I knew it was for the best. I hoped.
Three months ago I didn't know what it would be like to laugh with Ron and Hermionie again.
But I knew that things would never quite go back to the way they were.
A month ago I didn't know I had a middle name. I didn't know that a Harry James Frances Potter would be inducted into the Order of Merlin along with Draco Agustus Ocatavian Thomas Rienwald Malfoy.
But I knew that when we began talking it would be the same old insults, and that didn't bother me.
Three weeks ago I didn't know that we would decide to meet at the Cafine Kick every other day so as to insult each other more often.
But I knew that when I went home at night, my spirit was lighter than it had ever been.
A week and a half ago I didn't think twice about grabbing his hand and pulling a protesting Malfoy into a muggle cinema.
But I knew he'd love James Bond.
Two days ago I didn't know that when he kissed me I would feel butterflies in my stomach and a permanent grin on my face.
But I knew that I'd been feeling those butterflies for a while.
Yesterday I didn't know I was in love with Draco Malfoy.
But I knew I had always been in love with him somewhere.
Today I realized just what Draco Malfoy is, and what he had managed to do. He worked his way past judgements I had made about him. He helped me to live instead of just survive. He is more seductive than any flash of green light, and the only one who could fill the emptiness that I had surrounded myself with.
He is the ruination to so many of the things I always knew.
And the foundation of so many more.
I don't know what it would be like to be with him always.
But I know that's what I want.
And I know that's what I'll want tomorrow.
And for every day that comes after.
It's all I'll ever want.
Forever and ever.
fin