Just so y'all know, this is written as if TF2 were an arcade game, meaning there would only be one human player. It's almost formatted like Hero's Duty in Wreck-It Ralph, with a computer screen/robot that moves, acts, talks, and fights like any and every class, displaying the player's face to the in-game characters. The player in this is fairly young, a teenaged girl, like myself, and is playing the game for the first time. I was thinking about my own reactions to the characters in TF2, particularly the Scout, and was wondering what it would be like if he could write a letter to a particular player. Scout is on the BLU team, while the human is playing for the RED team. Hobey-ho, let's go!

Update: A reader has brought it to my attention that the Scout grew up in Boston, not Brooklyn as I had written before, so that detail has been changed. Thank you for letting me know! :)

Dear RED Player,

First of all, I just wanted to congratulate you on a great game. You did pretty well for your first time, especially since you were playing the Heavy. You learned how to work with the Medic, and even defended him. Most people forget to do that. They take him for granted, even though he would die to heal them. I know you recognized that, so you made sure he didn't have to die so often. You have a huge heart.

The only bad thing about that is the fact that you had a hard time killing, at first. Don't deny it. I saw your face the first time you saw me get shot. I know it's gruesome. Actually, it seemed like you were sad about it because I'm so young. I mean, I'm only twenty-one, and I'm out on the front lines of what seems like a ridiculous war. You're even younger than me, though. I saw that horrified look on your face just before the life drained out of me, and it sort of disturbed me that you would be playing a war game if you had a problem with young guys dying. That's why I decided to not make it bother you anymore.

Here's the thing: I can't really die. I get shot, or blown up, or stabbed, and then I respawn. It's gotten so old that I'm actually kind of bored with dying. I've been twenty-one for almost seven years, and I will be for years to come. That's what happened after you saw me go down; my body disappeared, and I respawned. From that point on, I decided to go after you as much as possible. Don't take it personally. It's not that I hate you, or anything. If I did, this letter would probably be censored really bad. I did that to make you hate me. I didn't want you to feel sorry for taking me out, because it's part of the game. You're a sweet girl, and I hate to see you get beat by a videogame.

I do have some advice for you, though. One: if you really feel the need to fight, do it for your country. Don't get caught up in some silly family feud, or a gang war, or a revenge mission. If you're going to fight, do it in defense of your nation and fellow citizens. No matter what any hippies try to tell you, that's the honorable thing to do.

Two: Don't let this game teach you that violence is the answer to everything, because it's not. I may seem like a pretty rough-and-tumble kind of guy, but that doesn't mean it's right for me to convince you jump into every fight you come across. One thing I learned while growing up in Boston was that you have to choose your battles. If you're just reckless, and looking for a fight, it will most likely get you killed. I'm pretty sure you don't want to end up like that Mercutio guy, who got in over his head with a guy who wasn't even there to fight him, but had twice the strength and skill. If you can, either avoid the situation altogether, or do anything in your power to get out of it. Only start fighting on the street if it becomes absolutely necessary. That being said, don't let anyone bully you, either. Stand up for yourself, your family, your friends, and even innocent bystanders. If you just watch some random person get beat up, and don't even try to help them, then you're just as bad as the one who's doing the beating.

Three: Whenever you see a war veteran, or currently enlisted soldier, give 'em a smile. Show them how thankful you are for their service. They've been through a whole lot more than you or I ever will, just to defend our liberty, and they don't get nearly enough appreciation for that. I know I'm probably in the minority, but I just think that's wrong. They deserve more thanks and respect than they get. They definitely don't deserve to be insulted or ridiculed because of their service, whether they were in WWII, Vietnam, Korea, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, or any other war. These men and women are not monsters; they're human beings, just like you! So, next time you see one, be as kind and respectful as you possibly can.

Four: Be yourself. Don't let anyone tell you that you're worthless, or an accident, or a mistake, because you're not. You are a wonderful, beautiful work of art, and no one can take that away from you. That's what my Ma always used to tell me when I was a kid, so now I'm telling you.

Finally, don't let this game, or any other game for that matter, consume you. Sure, it's nice to see you, and all, but you still need to get out and live your life. Follow your dreams. Stay active. Love the ones who love you, and love the ones who hate you even more. They don't really know you, so let them get to know you. It's okay to be a little shy, but don't just be a wallflower. You're too pretty for that. Find a nice guy, but don't settle down with him until you're absolutely ready for family life. Don't give him your virtue until you've married him.

I know all that stuff sounds weird coming from a BLU Scout that was trying to kill you, earlier. I feel weird writing it. I'm only doing this because you have something that I will never have again: freedom. You're not trapped in a computer, like I am, so don't tell me that you want to be. I need you to live your life because I can't live mine.

Best of luck,

Scout