A lump in my throat was swelling and suddenly I was having difficulties breathing. Nothing was going through my mind except two things 'Goose is dead. It's my fault. Goose is dead. It's my fault.' The guilt was killing me. I didn't know what had went wrong; it was all a blank.
I remember flying and going in for the kill, I was frustrated. Then my arms started going crazy, swerving around, loosing control. Panic hit me like a rock. I didn't know what to do. My mind was going mental.
I tried to reach for the ejection handle; I couldn't. I shouted to Goose, telling him to pull the handle. Everything was loud and quick. The aircraft went crazy, my whole body shook. Sweat dripped down my face and my breathing came out in razzled breaths.
Goose was yelling to me, telling me he was trying to get the handle. I feel it was my responsibility, my fault. If only I hadn't been so wild, so reckless…
My life flashed before my eyes; I remembered my father, how great he was at flying, how he inspired me to become a pilot, how he died…
I remembered my mother, how she would shout down the stairs at me to play 'Sittin' on the dock of the bay' and how much she loved it. How she sat in her room and listened to it repeatedly. How she taught me to always believe in myself, how she taught me to always be proud of what I was.
I thought of Charlie or otherwise known as Charlotte, I remembered when we first met. Our song was 'Lost that lovin' feeling'; I remembered singing it and following her into the ladies room. I remembered talking to her about the Mig, I remembered visiting her house. I remembered our argument and the first time we made love.
And lastly I remembered Goose but it hurt me to think that he might not survive. I remembered when we were kids chasing the girls on the beaches. I remembered when we were just Navel aviators, when we weren't in Top Gun. I remembered the day Cougar quit and the day we went to Top Gun. I remembered our first day there with the 'big shot fly-by'. I remembered the day we played Volleyball against Iceman and Slider. I remembered the day we sang 'Great balls of fire' in the bar when Charlie and his wife,Carol were talking.
I remembered and loved it all. I wasn't ready for death just yet, I still had so much to prove, so much to be. Goose wasn't ready for death either, he was my best friend; I couldn't go on without him.
The ejection handle pulled and the top shifted off as if being pulled by an invisible force. Goose pulled the leaver and he was lifted off, soon followed by me.
My eyes widened as I saw his head whack the glass, splattering it open. I screamed to him, hoping and hoping that he had survived.
My parachute opened but I didn't notice it. I didn't notice the fall or the wind or even the coldness of the sea as my feet blasted through the opening. My eyes were on Goose and Goose only.
Soon after I had hit the iced waters, Goose had. I grabbed hold of him to stop him going under.
Blood lay over his head and his face. I'd never seen so much blood. My heart was like a rampaging beast.
"Please live!" I pleaded his limp body, "Please don't die!"
I didn't know if I was crying, I didn't know. But what I do know is that I was paralysed, I had to hold on to him. My body would not let the coldness affect me; I had to hold on to him. I had to.
A helicopter zoomed over me but I didn't care for it. I was as good as dead. If Goose was dead, then so was my soul. Goose made me…
I couldn't breath. The man was telling me to let him go. They must have used some force because I remember him being lifted up.
I sat in the helicopter, not talking, not making any communication. A man asked me questions but his voice was distant and lost. I ignored him, whether by choice or force I don't know.
All was lost within me. I cared for nothing. All I felt was sadness, guilt and a sore feeling in my throat. I was on the breakdown. If I wasn't already crying then, I was on the verge to.
The lump in my throat was swelling and suddenly I was having difficulties breathing. Nothing was going through my mind except two things 'Goose is dead. It is my fault. Goose is dead. It is my fault.'