Hi, readers! This is my next Host story. I hope you like it. Once again, I apologize in advance for any translation mistakes. This story was originally written in Portuguese and published here and in two Brazilian sites. Well, enough said, let's start.
Living in a cold planet can be unpleasant.
It's not that I haven't had a good life there, but I admit that when the cold is so cold that ice seems to be a part of you, every ray of sunlight is more than welcome. When I was sent to this planet, what attracted me most was the warmth. The heat from the warm water bathing my body. The warmth of a good blanket on a winter night. The hot feeling produced by the touch of another skin. The heat of the sun.
- Sunny is beautiful - I said in response to how he called me, since my real name seemed to be some kind of enigma to him - I like the sun.
- Where does this strange name come from, anyway? - asked the human without taking his eyes off the road - What is it again? Sun...
- Sunlight Passing Through the Ice – I reminded him - Comes from the planet in which I lived before that.
- I heard it's beautiful there, in this planet of bears. They are sculptors, right?
The question took me by surprise. How could he know these things?
- How do you know? Where have you heard that?
He did not answer, or even looked at me, but I saw his eyes narrowing and his jaw become tense. It was like our conversation had taken a course it shouldn't. I wanted to continue it, however, wanted to keep on listening to his voice, coming from the back of the throat, like from the depths of a cave where no one sees the light. I've heard it many times, that voice, in my human heart, in my dreams. It awoke memories of my body and I regretted that he never took his eyes off the road to look at me, that he kept his hands stuck in the wheel. It was as if he needed something to hold on to so he could stand firm. As if he could disappear if not grabbing that wheel almost to the point of crossing it.
He was still beautiful, just the way I saw him in my dreams. Though now his expression was so hard. I remembered my old planet, how it was beautiful, but wild, threatening, dangerous. I thought about how this fragile human body would suffer there, languishing in the magnificent carved ice. I thought about the glacial eyes this beautiful human beside me had looked at me. Two stones of ice spiked in the face that warmed my dreams.
- The ice is beautiful - I said, finally - but it can hurt.
He then turned to me, just for a moment, looking at me with a frown and very confused eyes, as if I'd just said something indecipherable to many, but strangely clever for him. A hint of a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth before he turned back to the road.
I was enjoying observing his gestures. So much looked the same as in my thoughts. Memories weren't exactly what I had, it was my body that remembered the smell and texture of his skin, how my body fit his ample torso making me look even more tiny. I once had a dream in which our friends made fun of how being next to him he made me look like a child, even wearing heels. I had many dreams every night. Experienced Souls explained to me that he was the companion of this body I inhabit. That when he was found, he would come for me, for surely he'd miss me too. I waited for years, but he never arrived.
Earlier that night, when he walked through the door of my room, with that familiarity that seemed so peculiar, I was half asleep. I thought I was once having a dream. It took me a while to realize that I was really feeling his arms around me, I was really feeling his scent. I let myself get dragged through as if it was the sea, totally unresponsive. So he put me in the car and held the seatbelt around my body, I could see he was still human, but that he had come to pick me up. I knew I should be afraid, more than that, terrified, but I could only feel ... happy.
He seemed undecided about what to do, he looked scared. I did not believe it could be because of me, then I realized he should not be there. That was what he was afraid of, that someone would see him there. I also was afraid, for him and me, I could not conceive that the charm of the moment could be broken by someone getting him out. I wasn't willing to stay even a second away from him again. He started the jeep and I felt relieved, knowing that now I would have time to think.
I didn't know what to say, so I was silent, watching him and trying to make sure it really wasn't a dream. When I finally got myself together and managed to channel fear, anticipation, surprise and passion in a voice loud enough to be heard, I said:
- You are Kyle.
It was the dumbest thing I could say since all my senses were screaming this for hours, but it was just what I got. And I was glad he knew now that I had recognized him. He looked at me carefully, assessing me, studying my movements, and said:
- Yes, and who are you?
- Sunlight Passing Through the Ice.
He snorted, as if expecting a different answer, and asked with a crooked mouth in an expression almost offensive, insolent:
- How is that again?
- Sunlight...
- Sunny is ok. – Kyle interrupted me impatiently.
I thought a little bit about the name just not to have to think about Kyle's roughness, so different from what I had expected.
A few minutes later, here I was looking at his face: the square jaw, the prominent forehead, those hard and intense blue eyes, the nose slightly crooked, as if it had been broken and never properly put in place and that mouth, always tight in a tense line.
- You look a little different from what I remember.
- And... – he looked at me curious before he continued – what exactly do you remember?
- I always dream about you. In my dreams, your eyes are playful, provocative. And you're always laughing.
Again he looked at me, a sad expression, the ice in his eyes melting just a bit:
- A lot has happened in the time that separates me from this man of your dreams.
It was something very sad to hear, but I wanted to know more. What was he doing here? Why hadn't his body been taken and occupied by a Soul that would come peacefully to meet me? Would I feel the same way if Kyle was no longer Kyle?
- What has happened? Over the years, I mean? - I asked, making sure that I cover with my question all the time that separated us.
He seemed to suffer, struggling with an answer, and it caused me pain. Little did I know what was coming next:
- I could not save Jodi. When I realized something was wrong it was too late for her. You, your kind, HAVE STOLEN HER FROM ME!
I was petrified by this outburst. Jodi who? Why was he so red, a vein hopped on his forehead, eyes full of tears?
- I. .. I ... didn't want to take anything away ... from you. I would never make you suffer.
It took him a few seconds to compose himself. At this point, I could measure his stress level by how deep he stepped on the accelerator, and now the jeep was going a little slower. He kept looking ahead, but shook his head, stirring it frantically from side to side, as if he could not believe what he had just said. One of his big hands were deployed from steering wheel and he passed it away carelessly under his red nose:
- I know you wouldn't. Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Are you okay?
- I was afraid...
- I will not hurt you! - he hastened to say.
- I was afraid you were mad at me.
- No! Look, I'm sorry. You know, your race, I do not hate them anymore. Not so much anyway. I know now that you guys are very afraid of us. - he stared at me for the longest time he could while driving - I don't want you to be afraid of me.
I wasn't. He seemed unstable, volatile as they'd told me humans could be. But I could not help it when he looked me in the eyes, I just trusted him. This uneasiness that swept over me when he got nervous was becoming clear to me now that I knew I couldn't be afraid of him. What I wanted was for him to like me. I wish I could do something to let him happy, to bring back the smile of my dreams. I realized that every minute that passed it became more important to me that he would be fine.
- I would do what I could… you know… to make you happy.
He looked at me surprised, a ray of light through the ice that melted in his eyes:
- You really would, wouldn't you? - he shook his head again - You guys can really be something extra! At least some of you, I imagine.
- You know many of us?
- No. Not really. It's just Wanda.
- Who is Wanda?
- Well, Wanda is... Oh, Wanda is just like you. At first we were afraid of her. - he laughed for the first time and I lit up along with him - Look, you can't tell anyone I told you I was scared to death of her, okay? But it's true. I thought I hated her, but now I know better... Anyway, I don't feel like that anymore. Wanda did extraordinary things for us. For me, too. But you can't tell her I said that, okay?
- Why?
- Well ... I dunno! I just do not want her to know I like her, I do not want anyone to think I became soft hearted.
Something opened up inside my chest leaving no room for anything else. I had never felt this and I didn't know what it was. It hurt.
- Do you like her?
He looked at me as though he would say "wasn't that what I'd just talking said?" But when he saw my face he really understood what I'd asked.
- Oh, no, no! Not like this. Ian would smash my face if so.
I freaked out with the mental picture:
- But who is this Ian? And why would he do something so terrible?
More laughter. The ice almost all melted now.
- Easy! It is only say so. It seems to him that he could, but I pity him if he tries! - he said, still laughing - Ian is my brother and he gets all nervy with everybody because he thinks Wanda is his little girlfriend.
I perked up, without realizing very well the size of my ambition, when he said that his brother, possibly a human like him, was in love with someone like me.
- Is Ian human? Is he just like you?
- You bet he is! My brother is no centipede! - he responded with a clear disgust.
That hurt me more than I expected.
- Sorry, Sunny. That's not what I meant. I do not think you and Wanda are centipedes.
- What do you think of us then?
- Wanda ... I do not know, but I think I can say she is almost a friend. She takes care of us. You... I dunno!
He looked at me intensely now, seeing something beyond me, it seemed, his gestures returning to the seriousness of the beginning:
- You are beautiful!
I felt like I was made of butter and it was very, very hot outside, but then I remembered that he had called me, called my kind, centipedes. And I realized that it wasn't me who he thought was beautiful.
It hurt a lot again. It felt like someone was trying to open an umbrella inside my chest. The mental picture is not pretty, but I felt it wasn't too.
- You're a good girl, Sunny. And I will not let anything bad happen to you.
I believed it, but I was still uneasy. I felt he was once again closing his heart to me. So I didn't want to disrupt his thoughts with more questions. I wasn't sure I was ready to hear the answers. I also didn't know what else to say. I was confused and hurt too much to try a pointless conversation. I contented myself with watching Kyle. Sitting sideways on the bench as I was, I cringed and lay my head. The morning was approaching and I felt suddenly exhausted, as if all the energy had been sucked out of me. My eyes almost closing still saw Kyle loosen up a bit my seatbelt, I became more comfortable and almost kissed his hand that was close to my neck. I realized in time I shouldn't. I felt my mind slowly sink into unconsciousness and soon it became dark again.