A/N Merry Christmas, my dears! From all of us here at the A/C, we wish you a happy Christmas, Tuesday, Yule, whatever non-denominational midwinter festival you celebrate. Thank you very much!

This story is in two halves. The other half will be posted by my sister Astarael's Get, if you want to go read it! WARNING: two halves may not be compatible. OOC-ness ahead. Lily and Aster do not accept responsibility for injuries incurred during the reading of this piece.

"… What the hell?"

Who could blame Kisame for this? For on the morning of this 25th of December, he had entered the kitchen to find an elaborately embroidered red cloth on the table, candles and wreaths everywhere, Hidan with his head in his hands, and several of Akatsuki's hardened criminals in the… Christmas Spirit.

Konan had a tinsel halo in her hair. Leader wore his pinstriped pyjamas and dressing-gown, and a Santa-hat. Every one of the silver skulls on his gothic throne wore either a tinsel wreath, a Santa hat or a fluffy beard. Tobi was wearing a full Santa Claus costume, including a fluffy beard stuck to his mask. Sasori had a wreath of holly in his hair. Rei wore a red velvet dress trimmed with white fluff, and black boots and gloves. The insanely grinning yellow face on her choker wore a miniscule Santa hat. Deidara's hair was tied up with tinsel, as was Itachi's, although Kisame wondered if the Uchiha prodigy was aware of this. Rimu's hair had been spray-dyed green; the nin looked sulky. Anno had antlers in his hair.

And Telaki… seemed to be wearing everything that Tobi hadn't managed to put on their tree. Baubles hung from her ears, her cap was trimmed with white cotton, at least six differently coloured lengths of tinsel were tied around her waist, she wore her cloak with the red side out, and on her head was what looked like a large stuffed reindeer adorned with flashing lights. Various flashing earrings hung from her pockets.

"How do you want your eggs?" Asked Rei brightly.

"Shaken over ice, same as always…" Kisame said hesitantly, sitting down. Rei nodded, and went for the ice. Tobi tugged Kisame's sleeve. "Huh?"

"Tobi has something for Kisame-senpai!" Tobi announced, holding out… a card. Kisame glanced about; Deidara dejectedly held up a card of his own. Kisame sighed, and opened it.

Tobi wishes Kisame-senpai a merry Christmas and a happy new year! With love! XOX

"'Xox?'" Kisame muttered. "Who the hell is Xox? And why is he signing Tobi's cards?"

"It's not 'Xox', Kisame, it's kiss-circle-kiss." Deidara said wearily.

"What's with the circle? And the kisses?"

"The kisses because it's from Tobi. The circle… I dunno."

"You cannot account for the circle!" Kisame growled. "I don't believe you! Who is this Xox? WHO?"

"Kisame!" Kisame looked up to find Konan standing over him, pointing an accusing finger at the card. He realised she was also wearing small feather wings on elastic. "Thank Tobi for his card!"

"Yes, your holiness…" He muttered. "Who's Xox?"

"That's kiss-circle-kiss. Thank Tobi." She took the card and went to hang it from one of the gold ribbons on the wall.

"So Konan, too, is with Xox…" Kisame said quietly. "Thank you for your card, Tobi."

"Tobi is happy!" Tobi announced. Rei gave Kisame his egg in a cocktail glass.

"Hey, Rei, you know who Xox is?"

"You know where my favourite pyjamas are?"

"Umm… no…" Which was the truth. It had been several months since he'd stolen them, and he couldn't remember where he had hidden them. Probably under his bed somewhere.

"And the same to you." Rei said decisively.

Leader's spoon tapped the wineglass he often carried with him for just such a purpose.

"Attention, Akatsuki!" The Akatsuki all took their places at the table. "Since it is Christmas, I am giving you the day off!"

"Why don't my festivals get me days off?" Hidan moaned. Kakuzu kicked him under the table.

"Because Leader doesn't care about your festivals." He hissed.

"So, I am sure you all want to go visit your families-"

"I hate my family." Said Tei.

"I disowned mine." Said Rei.

"I killed mine." Said Itachi. Those sitting near him shuffled away slightly.

"Oh, come on. Sasori, I know you have a grandmother in Suna!"

"Not if I have anything to say about it…" Sasori grumbled.

"Itachi, you have a brother!"

"Don't get me started on my brother…" Itachi said quietly.

"Anno, what about your numerous love-babies?"

"Reikisha and Telaki won't let me see them.

"Rimu, your grandfather!"

"I wish him a painful death."

Leader sighed exasperatedly. "Well, Zetsu at least is visiting his family."

This statement was met by a stunned silence. Finally, Rei said incredulously, "There's more of them?"

"Yes. Lots more."

Deidara looked queasy. Sasori sighed. "Well, at least he's done trying to talk to the Christmas tree."

"Thank God." Rimu muttered.

"Who's Xox?" Kisame asked nobody in particular.

"They're a company that make truffles." Itachi said.

"A truffle-maker signed my card?"

"It's also an alternate way of spelling 'socks', a senseless abbreviation of 'hugs and kisses', the name of a café latte with ginger syrup, whipped cream, chai sauce, marshmallows, brandy and cinnamon, and the Schlachlach god of carpets." Said Itachi.

"… There's a god of carpets?"

"There is in Schlachlach."

"What's he doing in my Christmas card?"

"He is a she, and she may be, I don't know, blessing your carpets or something."

"Oh."

It should be here noted that Itachi frequently indulges in Pot Noodles; as you may know, these contain sauce packets with interesting facts on them. Rei calls it the Sauce of Infinite Wisdom. Itachi has a very powerful memory.

"So, merry Christmas!" Tei said, downing a sherry.

"Tei, isn't it a bit early to be drinking?" Deidara said hesitantly.

"It's never too early to be drinking!" Tei announced, downing another sherry. "Merry Christmas!"

There was a long silence. Then Tobi stood slowly. "And Xox bless us, everyone!" He said brightly.

A/N Again, merry whatever you celebrate! Hopes for many new chapters and favourites in the new year!