Summary: Post Burn, which I saw for the first time last night. God bless USA, let me tell you. Third Point of View. Olivia Centric. Just some abstract thoughts about our NonDivorcee. It's serious-ish, one sided EO, sort of. I mean, Yeah I guess so. But it's not like Elliot is out right rejecting her or what not.
Author's note: My summary could so easily be the Author's note, it's sad. I have Chapter 3 for The Color Blue so either I'll upload it tonight or tomorrow morning. I have some tweaking to do. With this story, I kinda made up the Fin & John aspects, so bare with that, and I'm not a hundred percent on timelines or anything. BTW Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays!! I hope you enjoy and The Color Blue will be uploaded ASAP. :) Enjoy!! R&R
Disclaimer: I don't own didily. Dick Wolf, rich mojo, genius, is easily one of my non god, gods.
Divorce Papers. Her nose scrunched up. She had never received them or had signed them. In blunt honesty, she had never had the pleasure of even looking at divorce papers. It was just something that never fell into her lap. She sighed, the scent of lemon from her tea intoxicating her nose.
She guessed, on some level, she would eventually experience divorce. She leaned into the warm leather of Fin's car. Ever since Elliot had started his separation with his wife, he had started a separation with her. After she found out he had signed the divorce papers, she had been waiting for him to place divorce papers to appear on her desk.
Casey called Elliot her trainer marriage. It had becoming a running joke with them. When they would get drink or a rare shopping day, Casey would bring him up. Not so much lately, probably because of everything that was going on with his separation and the unspoken custody battle for Dickie and Lizzie.
Maybe he was going to divorce her as well, hadn't he said that the job and her was all he had left. Could she live with a divorce from Elliot? The man whom she shared an eight year relationship? The only man who would put up with her?
She sighed again, catching the attention of her substitute partner.
"What is your deal?" She looked at Fin and shrugged.
"How did your divorce go?"
"Excuse me?" She rolled her eyes, allowing them to focus on the apartment building they were suppose to be watching.
"How did your divorce go?"
"Fine." She looked over at him and then back at the building.
"That's it? Fine?"
"It went rather quickly, probably because I gave her whatever she wanted." He shrugged.
"You didn't fight for anything?" This seemed to be a bit odd, wouldn't he have fought for something, Ken maybe? She wasn't even sure when Fin had gotten the divorce.
"Nah," He took a large sip of coffee. "Ken was turning eighteen in a few months, and she just wanted some alimony. I offered her the apartment, the dog, and even one of the cars." His eyes were focusing on the building. "She had a pretty good job, and she said that emotionally she was fine. It went well." He coughed a bit, she assumed to signal he was done talking about it.
"Who asked for the divorce?" His eyes floated over to her, and with a defeated look he took another large sip of coffee.
"She did, told me she was tired of being second."
"To the job?"
"Yeah." Fin nodded his head. "It gets to you, ya know. You don't have a husband or a family. You go home to numero uno. It's hard going home after seeing some of the shit we see and making love to your wife. Sometimes I didn't even go home. I'm not sure where I went, sometimes a hotel, sometimes an all night diner. Sometimes I didn't even leave the precinct. I love my wife and I love my son, but it's hard doing the job and being home. You're always scared for them. So, she wanted me to choose."
"Why did you choose the job?" Why would anyone choose the job over their family? She looked down at her tea, truth coursing through her body. They had all chose the job over their families at one point or another.
"Because," He paused, she looked over to him, his chest rose and fell quickly. "Because I couldn't imagine not doing it. Not helping."
She nodded her head. She had chosen the job over men all the time. Not Elliot. She had never chose the job, a victim, or even a perp over him. She wouldn't be able too.
"Is it hard?"
"Nah," He shook his head. "You get use to it. I see Ken and her when I can, and it's easier." She took a sip of her tea. "It's easier sometimes."
She had a feeling it really wasn't easier, that it was perhaps harder sometimes. But that is why they distanced themselves from everything else. It was suppose to be easier. It was suppose to be livable. Yet here they were.
"Are you going through some divorce that none of us are aware of?"
She shook her head, bringing the cup up to her lips. "Only with myself."
(It doesn't become important until you can't have it anymore. Suddenly it means the world to you.)
She dropped her keys on to the table near her door. Shrugging off her coat, she tossed it on the couch and made her way to the kitchen. The answering machine was blinking rapidly, indicating there was a new message to listen to. Her eyes stayed on it for a few seconds and then floated over to her coffee pot. She pressed the "on" button, moving to see what there was to eat.
Grabbing a piece of crumb cake and her coffee she headed back to her couch and flopped down. The crumb cake was sweet, exciting her taste buds. She settled into the soft material her mind ticking off the few men who had made it over the "commitment" hump. There was only a hand full, four or five.
Thomas Duncan was the last realistic one. She had met right out of the academy, mere months before starting at SVU. He was tall, with shiny black hair, and dark green eyes. Perfect teeth, perfect speech, and a full wallet, he was amazing. He adored her, and would bring her mother flowers. If there was ever a "one", he would have been it. He probably was it.
They had been dating for seven months, a new record all by itself. He would pick her up, bring her flowers, chocolates, anything he knew she'd like. It was absolutely perfect. She was happy.
In all honesty, she wasn't even a hundred percent on why it ended. He came over, and instead of helping her with her jacket he simply said it was over. He turned and walked out of the apartment. He hadn't even looked as she called his name. Two days later she started SVU, bringing us to her fifth most real relationship.
And even that was an overstatement.
She closed her eyes, leaning her head back. It was not simple. It had never been simple. She wasn't even sure when she had developed the feelings for him. Maybe it had happened overnight, she woke up the next morning and liked him. There was too much of a blur. She knew it started before he was divorced, a long time before the divorce, the separation, all of it. She had an inkling Kathy knew, hence why Kathy disliked her so much. Not that she thought Kathy was anything to write home about.
Her phone ringing interrupted her disfigured thoughts.
"Benson."
"Meet me downstairs." There was a click. She pulled the phone away from her ear and looked at it. Rolling her eyes, she stood up and grabbed her sweat jacket from the coat rack.
She took the stairs, two at a time. His silhouette was noticeable from the textured window of the door.
She didn't smile as she stepped out. He handed her a doughnut, sitting down on her stoop.
"We're going to make this a habit, huh?" Sitting next to him, she took a bite of the doughnut, it was still warm. He shrugged and lifted his cup.
"Thought you might be hungry." His voice was rough, slightly sleep deprived.
"Thanks." They sat in silence, the night air blowing over them, the sounds of the city dancing all around them.
"How are you?" She looked over at him. It was the simplest gesture, and it meant the world to her.
"I'm… surviving." He chuckled. A smile appeared across her lips, her eyes looking down at the bitten doughnut. "How are you?"
"I've seen better days."
"How did the meeting go?"
"Smoothly. She's getting half of everything, custody of Dickie and Lizzie, and alimony." He shrugged. "I didn't have to see her."
"Where was she?"
"Working." He shrugged again, leaning back on his elbows. "It doesn't matter."
When did it stop mattering? She looked away from him. Maybe this is what divorce did. This is how it worked. Fin was just as jaded and fallen. Divorce was in fact a jaded process.
"I want half of everything." She wasn't sure what possessed her to say it. But there it was, standing in the bitter cold.
"I'm sorry?" He looked at her.
"I want half of everything, once we're divorce and everything." There was the slightest smile forming around her lips. He let out a laugh. She had almost forgotten what it was like to hear him laugh. It had been a long time.
"Two more years, and legally, half of it is all yours."
"I can hold out." She nodded her head. "I can definitely hold out."
"Good, I'm not sure if I was ready to divorce you yet." She nudged him gently. He nudged her back. Neither of them looking at each other.
(An example they give is him jumping off a building and then figuring out how not to die on the way down.)
His eyes were the bluest she had ever seen. She loved their quiet days, when they had some paperwork or a few people to talk to. She would sit back and nonchalantly watch him. The way his lips twitched while he silently read over the papers in front of him. The way he held the phone slightly away from his ear. Or how his eyes would sometimes catch her eyes and he'd throw her a wink and then go back to his paperwork.
She shook her head and looked over to John and Fin who were both immersed in their own paperwork.
"Hey, how did your date go last night?" John looked up, without picking his head up.
"It went well." A confused expression crossed his features. "How did you know I had a date?"
"Oh, girl's intuition." Olivia winked at him, as he shook his head.
"Do your paper work." He looked back down at his desk.
"Done." This time Fin and Elliot joined John as he looked at her.
"You did not." Fin stated, looking over her desk.
"I did." She picked up a pile of folders and held them up. "All done."
Elliot shook his head, he lifted the last few things he had to do and dropped it on her desk. "There you go."
She rolled her eyes. John and Fin snickered.
"I'm not doing your paperwork Elliot." She stood up, grabbing her jacket. "I'm going to get tea or coffee, something. Anyone want anything?"
"Coffee." Fin and John stated together. She nodded and looked over at Elliot. He was watching her, and she felt very guarded. He was trying to read her.
"Yeah, coffee." His eyes dropped to his desk. She looked at him, cocking her head ever so slightly.
She quickly walked out of the precinct, down to the coffee shop. The chilling air wrapped around her.
A large hand found its way to her shoulder. She pulled back and turned around, her hand close to her gun. John stood there, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.
"I thought you might want some help getting the coffees." She clicked her tongue against her teeth.
"I'm perfectly capable of getting coffee." She huffed, looking at him with cold eyes.
John shrugged and walked past her, holding the door open to the coffee shop. She watched as he ordered two coffees. She gave him an odd look and then turned to glaze around. The shop was dotted with people. Couples huddled together, talking and drinking. Some rookies from the precinct. And a few people reading, their coffees cooling next to them.
She barely noticed as John stood next to her, holding out a cup of coffee.
"Come on, let's take a break." She sat down across from him, smiling as the hot liquid filled her body with warmth.
Divorce, once again, drifted over her brain. Her eyes glazed over as she stared at all the unsuspecting couples. Would they have to endure a break up where half of everything suddenly belonged to someone else? Would they choose a job over the people they're suppose to love the most? Would the hesitate to sign the papers like Elliot, or embrace it like Fin?
"How did you handle your divorces?" She locked eyes with John who seemed startled by the question.
"Why?"
"I'm curious." She shrugged, looking back over towards the couples.
"I guess my first one was the hardest. The others were routine, I knew what they would want and I gave it to them. Barbara was the hardest." She knew very little about his ex-wives. She knew they were shallow and generally selfish. However the way he said her name made her think the first one was probably the closet he had come to the 'one'.
"Why was it so hard?"
"Well, it's always hard Liv." He looked at her as a parent to a child. Something Elliot and Fin had no real authority to do. "You're losing something that was once everything to you. I'm not say that they were all my life and then some. Barbara was different, didn't mind the long hours I worked, didn't care if she didn't get a new piece of jewelry, and didn't make it difficult. Everything was easy."
"Why did you two divorce then?"
"No one expects someone to stay the same. After almost twenty years, she became really distant, I guess after I started working Homicide, after I almost got shot. I'd come home to find her crying because something on the news made her think of me. I couldn't keep making her worry, make her stay up all night because I had a stakeout. The crying was almost unbearable. So, I got the papers, signed them, and left them on the swing on her mother's porch. Haven't spoke to her since."
The need to begin crying hysterically was becoming very strong in her chest. She knew very little about John and Fin. Somehow, she had uncovered more then she had predicted.
"Exactly, why are you so curious about this?" She shook her head.
"Why were you so eager to share?" She thought he would be taken back, but he wasn't. It was almost as if he expected her to be a bit of a smartass.
"Because it's all under the bridge. It's not so much a big deal to talk about. It's a big deal to hold it all in."
"Why doesn't he want to talk about it?" Ah, the revelation she had finally come too.
John looked at her, leaning back, his hands were wrapped around his cup, his glasses hiding his elderly eyes. He watched her and then sighed. "He hasn't admitted to it yet. It's easy to hold something in when it's not real."
She looked at him, her eyes burning. She nodded her head and looked at the couples again. Would they voluntarily give up a person they love, just to save the other person?
(Not only is he my salvation, I was his duty.)
Her legs were hurting. She was laying in bed, the past few days playing over in her head. She thought of him, and her body begged to give in to the sensation of crying. She didn't cry though. From a young age she had learned that crying was of no use. She was also unsure why she wanted to cry. There was no logical reason. Was she upset that she had not been served divorce papers? That she had never had the opportunity to go through a divorce?
Elliot had been hesitant and only given in because he didn't want to be a regret. Fin had given in because it was suppose to be easier. And John had voluntarily given in because he wanted to save her. They had all given in because the job was the perfect first. The job could never love you back, it could only hurt you when you got too involved. You could go home to the job, runaway from the job, fall asleep to the job, or even wake up to the job, the job was always going to be there. Even in that retrospect they were all going to be there. Elliot had even said all he had was the job and her. She was only one of the few threads he was still clinging too.
Even though she hadn't gone through a divorce, she knew the job would always be her first. She lived and breathed the job, as did the guys. The four of them were real trips sometimes. Shaking her head she rolled over.
Would any of them really have been happier?
It's not that simple. And it would never be that simple.
She rolled over and got up. Throwing on her sneakers she grabbed a sweatshirt and threw open the front door. Standing there, however, was Elliot, the person she so desperately wanted to talk too.
"El?" He smiled, walking into her apartment.
"It went ok."
"What?" She was confused. Her head was feeling light.
"The divorce, it went ok."
"I, what?" He chuckled, sitting on her couch. He waited till she shut the door and sat down next to him. Her sweatshirt sitting on her lap.
"John said you asked about the divorce." She had every intention of murdering John. "Why did you think I would talk to him before I talked to you?"
"It makes sense, doesn't it?" She sighed, her hand going over her face as she leaned into her couch. "He's been divorce, he'd understand all the mumbo jumbo that follows it."
"So?" She looked at him.
"I've never been divorce. Hell, I've never been proposed to. You're the longest relationship, remember? What the hell do I know?"
"Me."
"Excuse me?" Chocolate brown crashed with ocean blues.
"You know me." He gingerly pushed some of the hair off her face. "I don't care if you were never married, or if you've never been divorce. And I'm your longest relationship because I was lucky enough to have you let me in. I was lucky enough to convince you I was worthy of your friendship and love. You know me, and that's all I care about."
She closed her eyes, tears threatening to fall.
"Do you want me to talk about the divorce?"
"No." Her voice was barely audible.
"What do you want me to talk about?"
She leaned in to him, the scent of soap intoxicating her body. As she breathed him in she realized she would never give up the job for him. She wouldn't be able to just give in because she might be a regret or because it be easier. There was no way in hell she could voluntarily give him up to save him. There was no way. As easy and simple and jaded as the guys are, she couldn't even fathom how they were handling it. How Fin's ex, Barbara, or Kathy could still wake up in the morning without their husbands.
Ex-husbands.
She sighed, not ready to pull away from him. His hand began to gently stroke her hair.
"What's up with you Liv?"
"I guess I feel left out." She laughed a bit.
"I think we're all envious of you, actually."
"I wouldn't be able to do it El. You guys are a lot stronger then me. I couldn't give up on someone I loved."
"Luckily," He lifted her chin so she could look at him. "You don't have too. And you might never have too."
She nodded, allowing her head to resume it's position pushed against him.
"As bad as it is Liv, it could be a lot worse. And I think we're all better off now."
She knew that he didn't really mean it, but she didn't care. Maybe she missed a beat somewhere. Luckily she didn't have to go through it. And if her luck continued she would never have to go through it. She looked up at him, he was smiling down at her.
"I'm sorry you have to go through it."
"Yeah," He shrugged, his hand still stroking her hair.
"I could never leave you." He laughed and kissed her on the head.
"Don't worry Liv, I'm not going anywhere."
"At least for two years. I still want half of everything." She smiled as his laughter filled the apartment.
"Sure Liv, anything you want."
She snuggled back into him, a smile still on her face. So maybe she wasn't going through what they had gone through and they were all jaded and fallen.
They had each other and the job.
Divorce papers and all.