Wrote this in my Imaginative Writing class. The point was to litter a bit of writing with alliteration, onomatopoeia, dialect, rhyme, rhythm, assonance, repetition, and made-up words. So, that's why everything is so damn alliterative—not because I'm just obsessed with that literary technique.
Anyway, I own nothing of either Twilight the book or Twilight the movie.
I just like making fun of things.
The Twilight of our Sanity
or
Robert Pattinson in Scotland
Steven stood stock still. Obviously, this was going to take a while.
The throngs around the theater, fan girls frolicking frantically, roared in rapture when Robert reappeared from the rear door. With an ecstatic, explosive scream that froze the blood in Steven's veins, one twelve-year-old flung herself across the guard ropes and onto the glaring red carpet at right in front of Robert. Scrambling upright like some kind of demented insect, the girl launched herself upon him, grasping at his greasy hair with deranged desperation.
"Edward!" she screeched. "Be mine foreveeeerrr!"
Mr. Pattinson quailed and quivered as the psychopath clawing him obviously had no qualms about basely embarrassing herself. With gruff grimaces, the guards who had seen too much in this line of duty pried the pre-teen from Pattinson with practiced patience. Shrieking with a shrillness that would put to shame the most bellicose banshee, the girl was tossed back into the frothing frenzy. The ground shuddered with pre-teen angst and lust.
"Oy," lamely lamented Robert.
Steven stood stock still. Obviously, this was going to take a while.
His knees knocking with anticipation and his soul curdling in precipitation, Steven heaved a horrible sigh and went to retrieve the rascal who so roguishly ravaged Robert: his sister.
Yanking her yelling form from the crowd, Steven attempted with long-suffering sighs to quiet her preposterous passion. However, the ardor of a twelve-year-old girl for Edward Cullens has been scientifically proven to be a force stronger than gravity, magnetism, and black holes; his attempts were verily in vain.
"Christ, Susan," Steven growled. "I cannae keep bringin' ye to these things if yer gonna be accostin' Robert Pattinson ev'ry buggin' time."
"Edward! 'Is name is Edward!!!" Susan screamed, her eyes blind with the cloud of fantasy. With a jarring jerk, the Twilighter pulled herself away from her brother and broke into a barreling run, leaping like a lunatic back into the fan girl fray, swimming through the crowd, buoyed by her fanaticism.
He grimaced, twitched an eye, and stared off into space.
Steven stood stock still. Obviously, this was going to take a while.
He sat down, cracked a beer, and plugged into his iPod.