CHOICES – GAANARU
Chapter One
My name is Gaara. Some people call me a monster. Some people want to kill me because of the demon that lives inside me. It made me into a killer. But then everything changed.
Living with Naruto, I've had the best two years of my life. We've only been together for half the time because of our duties, but every day was worth it. For one such as me who lived so totally alone, to finally gain love and companionship is so unbearably wonderful that sometimes I have to pinch myself just to make sure I'm not dreaming.
He doesn't understand the fact that I'm finding it hard. Everything is so simple for him, so black and white. But it's not like that. Not really. Things are much more complicated than he realises. He doesn't understand that if I cry, it's not because he's making me unhappy. It's because I'm making me unhappy.
When we go out in public I can hardly stand the stares. I thought people would be more accepting. I thought they would support us. Instead they whisper about us and point as we pass by, and mutter about how disgusting and unnatural it is for two boys to be in love.
It's not everyone, of course. Our friends have learned to deal with the fact that we're a couple, that we're in love. But I already knew they would. Naruto, he just walks around with his head in the clouds, completely oblivious. Sometimes I wonder whether he'll ever start acting nineteen. Then I think to myself that yes, he will – when he's in his thirties.
Well, all of that is just background noise compared with the real problem. It's me. No matter what I do, I can't stop torturing myself. I think I love him too much. The thought of him leaving or dying or not really loving me has become so unbearable that I can't stop imagining it. Every time I fall asleep, every time I look at the sky or drift off in a daydream, I can see it happening in so many different ways. I hate it. I'm spending every day under a rain cloud, just waiting for it to happen.
I don't know what I would do if I lost him. He means so much to me. I'm… I'm crying just imagining it. He's the centre of my life, the reason for it, the cause of my whole existence. Without him, I'm nothing. Really nothing. Just another killing machine. I would rather die.
I always said he was the only one who understands me. But sometimes… sometimes he doesn't. He's naïve. He came in the other day, and saw me crying again. Just from the thought that I'm not good enough for him. That I don't deserve to keep him. He jumped to the wrong conclusion, as usual.
"Gaara? Gaara, are you alright? Are you hurt? Gaara!" He shouted out, rushing towards me like a whirlwind. I could see how concerned he was. How worried he was.
"I'm… I'm fine, 'Ruto. Honestly." I said quietly. I didn't want to hurt him.
"No, you're… you're crying…" he kneeled in front of me, then leaned forward to draw me into a hug. I sniffled into his shoulder, knowing it was too obvious to deny.
"I'm sorry to worry you." I said. It's always like this. Me never knowing how to explain, him getting more and more worried. I wish I knew how to break the cycle.
He pulled back, and looked me in the eye. "Why won't you ever tell me what's wrong? I'm here for you! You can trust me, you know you can!"
"I'm sorry." I said again, hanging my head. I can't even look at him when he's like that. I know he'll never be satisfied with my answer. I know he'll start to blame himself.
"That's not good enough, Gaara!" Naruto replied. I looked up; this was different. "I'm tired of you always being sorry! Why can't you just trust me? Why can't you just tell me?"
"I want to… I…"
"Then do! No matter what it is, I promise I won't stop loving you. We've got to trust each other!"
"I do trust you."
"Then tell me!"
I looked up at him with tear-filled eyes, unable to find any words to explain. Part of me knows I'm not trying as hard as I could, out of fear that he'll laugh, think I'm being stupid and pathetic. He closes his eyes for a moment, then shakes his head.
"I can't stand this any more, Gaara. If you can't tell me what's going on… then that means we can't communicate properly. If we can't communicate…" he shook his head again, and sighed. "Just try it, Gaara!"
I stare at him. I try to speak, but my throat closes up and all my words are gone. How can I express the way I feel?
After a few moments, an angry look passes over his face and he stands up.
"Fine." He mutters, and turns and walks out of the room. "Since you obviously don't want me here… I'm not coming back." He adds over his shoulder as he pauses in the doorway. Then he takes a few more steps, and he's gone.