Never
***********
It was all a joke to you, wasn't it?
I was just another stupid puppy-dog you charmed, just another scratch to the wooden post on your bedpost, just another fuck?
I bet afterwards you laughed and gave yourself a slap on the back. Yeah, congratulations, you did a great job. You scored yourself another great fuck and it was fantastic wasn't it? I bet you were shocked at how good I was. When I took you in my mouth, you're eyes went wide in pleasure and surprise and you pulled me deeper in. I suppose the fact I was so skilled was an extra plus. Another reason to smile and laugh at the irony of me. Me, who was better than anyone you've ever had. Me, whose waited and wished for years and years to have you.
You know what I discovered? You were overrated. You weren't everything you were cracked up to be. What I cracked you up to be.
The actual fucking, hell yeah, it was great. It was fantastic and you screamed and I screamed and we orgasmed hard and fast but afterwards? It was ugly. You didn't wrap me in your arms and tell me you loved me like I dreamed all those nights. You pulled out of me, rough and raw, and went to have a shower. No words, no kisses, no hugs.
I didn't understand. Plain and simple. I couldn't get my head around the fact that you could just get up and walk away after what we'd done. Didn't it mean anything to you? Didn't some part of you feel the slightest bit of affection towards me, a tiny bit of attachment?
After about ten minutes you came out with a towel around your waist and you seemed puzzled as to why I was still in your bed. You looked at me and my clothes lying on the bed and you were bewildered. You didn't know what else I expected. We'd done what needed to be done, hadn't we?
I can't remember exactly what happened after that, it's blurred around the edges but I remember some things. I remember pulling on my blue t-shirt and turning away from you to pull on my pants while you watched me with...what...what was it? Amusement? Entertainment? As if I was something to be observed and studied.
My face was red and my tears were bloodshot with unshed tears but you still didn't get it. You never got why I was so quiet around you afterwards. You never noticed the worried looks Lily shot me and the angry glares she threw you. You never understood why James was so angry with you whenever you talked about another one of your "triumphs" when I was in the room. Maybe you just didn't care. After awhile they forgot, I suppose. It wasn't referred to as much and the anger stopped poisoning the air. I don't blame them. After all, it wasn't them who had loved and worshipped you since the tender age of 11. It wasn't them who had dreamed of you telling them you loved them and then touching them gently and intimately every night. I never forgot.
You never got it. And now you never will. You can't because you're dead. You're dead Sirius Black and you never understood.
***********
It was all a joke to you, wasn't it?
I was just another stupid puppy-dog you charmed, just another scratch to the wooden post on your bedpost, just another fuck?
I bet afterwards you laughed and gave yourself a slap on the back. Yeah, congratulations, you did a great job. You scored yourself another great fuck and it was fantastic wasn't it? I bet you were shocked at how good I was. When I took you in my mouth, you're eyes went wide in pleasure and surprise and you pulled me deeper in. I suppose the fact I was so skilled was an extra plus. Another reason to smile and laugh at the irony of me. Me, who was better than anyone you've ever had. Me, whose waited and wished for years and years to have you.
You know what I discovered? You were overrated. You weren't everything you were cracked up to be. What I cracked you up to be.
The actual fucking, hell yeah, it was great. It was fantastic and you screamed and I screamed and we orgasmed hard and fast but afterwards? It was ugly. You didn't wrap me in your arms and tell me you loved me like I dreamed all those nights. You pulled out of me, rough and raw, and went to have a shower. No words, no kisses, no hugs.
I didn't understand. Plain and simple. I couldn't get my head around the fact that you could just get up and walk away after what we'd done. Didn't it mean anything to you? Didn't some part of you feel the slightest bit of affection towards me, a tiny bit of attachment?
After about ten minutes you came out with a towel around your waist and you seemed puzzled as to why I was still in your bed. You looked at me and my clothes lying on the bed and you were bewildered. You didn't know what else I expected. We'd done what needed to be done, hadn't we?
I can't remember exactly what happened after that, it's blurred around the edges but I remember some things. I remember pulling on my blue t-shirt and turning away from you to pull on my pants while you watched me with...what...what was it? Amusement? Entertainment? As if I was something to be observed and studied.
My face was red and my tears were bloodshot with unshed tears but you still didn't get it. You never got why I was so quiet around you afterwards. You never noticed the worried looks Lily shot me and the angry glares she threw you. You never understood why James was so angry with you whenever you talked about another one of your "triumphs" when I was in the room. Maybe you just didn't care. After awhile they forgot, I suppose. It wasn't referred to as much and the anger stopped poisoning the air. I don't blame them. After all, it wasn't them who had loved and worshipped you since the tender age of 11. It wasn't them who had dreamed of you telling them you loved them and then touching them gently and intimately every night. I never forgot.
You never got it. And now you never will. You can't because you're dead. You're dead Sirius Black and you never understood.