All the songs that I've sung you
More often then you know
You're the love that I've clung to
More often then I've let it show
And I wish you would leave me
And I wish you would go
And I wish you didn't need me
And I wish I didn't love you so
It's late. The kind of late that gets into your head, seeps under your eyes and starts to bleed all over everything. The light is blue but all he sees is red. Red in hues as subtle and as strong as the bloodshot irises of Mikey's eyes.
He will not sleep. Not tonight. Not with Michael's taste on his lips. Not with Michael's scent in his mind.
He knew what he was doing. Every fraction of a second of it. Brian Kinney has no false pretences with himself when it comes to Michael Novotny.
It was painful, at first, to be so honest so young. But now it's just a dull ache.
Well...most of the time.
People think it's so simple. When you want something. Reach out and touch it. Justin and his mantra on the world he thinks he knows.
And, sure, it is simple, when you have the innocent beauty that Justin does. When you can hold something and make it real. Make it whole.
But it's complicated, in so many ways, when you know for absolute certain that you can't hold anything at all. That all you'll do is shatter it into a thousand unretrievable pieces.
And all of the king's horses, and even all of the king's men, won't be able to put any of it back together again.
So he needed to cheapen the dream, the memory. He needed to make it about that base drive that Michael will never truly understand, and never ever respect.
Because there may be some things that he can't do. Some men that he can't be. But he can still push and he can still pull and he can still make damn sure that Humpty Dumpty doesn't rule this fucking fairy tale.
***********************************
There's no one else I want beside you
Give me you're coldest shoulder to cry upon
You're never anywhere I find you
You're never anything I rely upon
And I wish you would leave me
And I wish you would go
And I wish you didn't need me
And I wish I didn't know
That I just can't go on
So please don't do me wrong
No I won't do you harm
My love for you goes on and on
It is exactly three days before he realizes that Brian has done it again. He hears it, like a revelation, in the late night whisper of Ben's slight snore.
He ends up in the bathroom, unable to breathe, his face pressed up against the cool glass. He lets the tears fall and wishes so very very badly for the man who made them.
He curses himself for being so naïve. For playing so masterfully, once again, into Brian's hand. For clumsily reaffirming Brian's insecurities and self-hatred.
Everyone thinks that he is Brian's one salvation. But Michael knows the truth. He knows that he has hurt Brian the most often and the most deeply. By being the vehicle and the personification of all of the things that Brian thinks he knows about himself.
He also knows that he has brought Brian the most love and the most joy, for the very same reasons.
The next morning the intensity has faded, and the panic is not as raw as it was in the closeness of the night. The next morning he smiles easily at the man whose mere being, mere presence, has defined all of the relationships of his adult life.
But as he is leaving the diner he pauses near his best friend, and lets his head drop into the space between Brian's neck and his shoulder. The space that Michael has fit into so well, ever since they were 14 years old.
And he tries, for a moment, to hold this man who is so determined not to be held.
***************************
Lyrics from "On and On" by the Longpigs.
Say something. It's lonely out here on the ledge, cl.47@rogers.com.
More often then you know
You're the love that I've clung to
More often then I've let it show
And I wish you would leave me
And I wish you would go
And I wish you didn't need me
And I wish I didn't love you so
It's late. The kind of late that gets into your head, seeps under your eyes and starts to bleed all over everything. The light is blue but all he sees is red. Red in hues as subtle and as strong as the bloodshot irises of Mikey's eyes.
He will not sleep. Not tonight. Not with Michael's taste on his lips. Not with Michael's scent in his mind.
He knew what he was doing. Every fraction of a second of it. Brian Kinney has no false pretences with himself when it comes to Michael Novotny.
It was painful, at first, to be so honest so young. But now it's just a dull ache.
Well...most of the time.
People think it's so simple. When you want something. Reach out and touch it. Justin and his mantra on the world he thinks he knows.
And, sure, it is simple, when you have the innocent beauty that Justin does. When you can hold something and make it real. Make it whole.
But it's complicated, in so many ways, when you know for absolute certain that you can't hold anything at all. That all you'll do is shatter it into a thousand unretrievable pieces.
And all of the king's horses, and even all of the king's men, won't be able to put any of it back together again.
So he needed to cheapen the dream, the memory. He needed to make it about that base drive that Michael will never truly understand, and never ever respect.
Because there may be some things that he can't do. Some men that he can't be. But he can still push and he can still pull and he can still make damn sure that Humpty Dumpty doesn't rule this fucking fairy tale.
***********************************
There's no one else I want beside you
Give me you're coldest shoulder to cry upon
You're never anywhere I find you
You're never anything I rely upon
And I wish you would leave me
And I wish you would go
And I wish you didn't need me
And I wish I didn't know
That I just can't go on
So please don't do me wrong
No I won't do you harm
My love for you goes on and on
It is exactly three days before he realizes that Brian has done it again. He hears it, like a revelation, in the late night whisper of Ben's slight snore.
He ends up in the bathroom, unable to breathe, his face pressed up against the cool glass. He lets the tears fall and wishes so very very badly for the man who made them.
He curses himself for being so naïve. For playing so masterfully, once again, into Brian's hand. For clumsily reaffirming Brian's insecurities and self-hatred.
Everyone thinks that he is Brian's one salvation. But Michael knows the truth. He knows that he has hurt Brian the most often and the most deeply. By being the vehicle and the personification of all of the things that Brian thinks he knows about himself.
He also knows that he has brought Brian the most love and the most joy, for the very same reasons.
The next morning the intensity has faded, and the panic is not as raw as it was in the closeness of the night. The next morning he smiles easily at the man whose mere being, mere presence, has defined all of the relationships of his adult life.
But as he is leaving the diner he pauses near his best friend, and lets his head drop into the space between Brian's neck and his shoulder. The space that Michael has fit into so well, ever since they were 14 years old.
And he tries, for a moment, to hold this man who is so determined not to be held.
***************************
Lyrics from "On and On" by the Longpigs.
Say something. It's lonely out here on the ledge, cl.47@rogers.com.