A/N: Ok so this was a request I received a few months back and well it took a while to come up with a plot, but I think I may just have one. I'm not sure if I will continue with this, but I wanted to take on the challenge. I have yet to write a straight up comedy and I felt it would be nice to take a step back from horror and tragedy for a change. This as you are most likely aware of is a South Park/Batman the Animated Series crossover (my first official crossover :) It will also have appearances from Brickleberry characters and references Most Popular Girls in School on occasion. I hope you guy enjoy it, I had fun writing it and I hope it comes off as funny as I intended it to be. Please leave e review with your thoughts even of you hate it :) And I'd like to thank Princess Unikitty previously known as Koryandrs for giving me the idea.
With Love, Ophelia
Who's Supposed to Be Watching the Door
It was a stereotypically dark night in the city of Gotham (I mean what else did you expect right?) Batman had been diligently working on a case that had seemingly fallen into his lap a few days prior. His mind was quite baffled as he began to wonder what about Brickleberry State Park was so special? I mean let's face it, it was no Yellow Stone, yet for some reason he found criminals and villains alike (same thing, I know) paying the utmost attention to it.
He'd first busted both Two Face and Penguin, who had separate plans on fleeing there and later caught word the Joker was also planning a little rondevu. He frankly couldn't see what all the fuss was about, it didn't have many attractions. Unless you like premature geyser eruptions, and we all know how disappointing those are. Their wildlife consisted of inbred, disease ridden, rabid animals and their staff was beyond laughable. So what was it that was reeling in some of the best crime had to offer?
"Have you found anything yet Master Bruce?" Alfred said, entering the room with a tray of coffee.
"No yet Alfred." Batman answered and began to turn to face the older man. "I can't seem to find anything that could even possibly began to make… um Alfred, why is there a group of 3rd graders dressed in cheap costumes in my Batcave?"
Confused Alfred turned and noted the group of oddly dressed children, "I have no idea sir, who is in charge of the door?"
"There is no need to panic Batman, we like you, are fellow vigilantes fighting against crime alongside you," said a young boy dressed as a mangy cat. "What the fuck narrator! I'm not a fucking cat!" He spat at the narrator who was now confused because she had no idea what the hell he was supposed to be. "I'm a fucking raccoon you stupid bitch! God damn it, it is so hard to find good narration these days." The boy said apolitically. "We Batman, are Coon and friends… surly you've heard of us?"
"No. How the hell did you get in here?" The stoic man said with a hint of curiosity.
"A good detective never reveals his secrets Batman." The Coon replied. (I still think he looks like a cat with venereal disease, but I digress.) "Better bitch."
"Some kid named Robin let us in," said a young boy with black hair, wearing a tool belt.
"But Robin isn't in charge of the door." Alfred replied in confusion. "Robin is in charge of washing the Batmobile and making horrible jokes. Batgirl's in charge of the door."
"God damn it." Batman Huffed "Well if Robin isn't in charge of the door way is he letting people in?"
"Well to be fair, we did tell him we were selling Boy Scout cookies." Replied another little boy.
"Wait, Robin isn't even here; he's supposed to be away at College, isn't he?" Alfred turned suddenly and made his way to the entrance, leaving Batman with the children.
Batman looked down at them all dressed in their elaborate costumes. Aside from the one who called himself the Coon and the boy with the tool belt they were accompanied by two others. One was wearing a blue shirt and had a kite tied to his back while the other was wearing a strange looking cape and cowl, possibly made of a sock.
"So who are you kids and what are you doing in my Batcave?" the Dark Knight questioned again.
"As you may have guessed I am… The Coon, and these young gentleman at my side are, Toolshed, and the human Kite…"
"Hehem…" The young boy in the cowl huffed.
"Oh and that tool in the back is Mysterion, he's the weak link."
Mysterion did not dignify the Coon's remarks with any response, knowing his leader was more than jealous of his abilities and effectiveness. Still, he couldn't help but want to strike the boy for selfish nature and lack of heroism, but what could one expect from Eric Cartman. (Not much, not much at all.)
"You know narrator, I'm paying you good money to narrate my life in a dignified fashion not shit all over it with your heresy! So if you could please stop being a bitch it would be well appreciated."
Yeah here's the thing, you're not paying me at all. I'm doing this because it was requested of me. Trust me I don't want to be here anymore then Batman does, so get over it. And uh by the way, you used the word "heresy" in an inappropriate context, but whatever, moving on. Coon I believe you need to tell Batman why you're all up in his Batcave.
"Seriously can we fire her?"
The Batman shrugged, "You get what pay for. That's why I always pay my narrators handsomely. Now why are you kids in my Batcave?"
"We've come to assist you. We have intel about Brickleberry Park you may want to hear."
"Wait, what do you know about Brickleberry Park?"
"Just that criminals from Gotham have been flocking there like geese… evil geese." The raccoon boy said in a dramatic voice.
"I already knew that"
"Yes, but do you Batman, do you?" The Coon urged.
Alfred finally returned still puzzled, "Sir I just checked and neither Batgirl nor Robin are watching the door."
"Alfred can you stop with the door already? And no I have not yet figured out what the Joker's plan is, but I highly doubt a group of third graders did."
"We actually did." Toolshed said causing Batman to raise an eyebrow.
"Wait you're telling me that you actually know the Joker's plan?"
"Yes, yes we are." The Human Kite replied with little hesitation.
Batman laughed unable to hold back his amusement. The boys looked on as the hero could hardly take them seriously. "Ok, that's a good one, who put you kids up to this? Was it Flash, Green Lantern, Robin, for putting him in charge of the door?"
"Robin isn't in charge of the door sir." Alfred interjected.
Toolshed furrowed his brow along with the rest of the boys, "This isn't a joke."
"Ok I'll play along, enlighten me about the Joker's plan boys."
Mysterion stepped forward with a stern look in his eyes, "The Joker's plan has something to do with the fact the Brickleberry is sitting on a very large super volcano. The volcano itself has been dormant for thousands of years, but experts say that if it ever erupts it would block out the sun and send the planet right into another ice age." Mysterion said in a low graveled voice.
"Mount Brickleberry is supposed is no longer active, isn't it?" Batman aware of the volcano's inactive state.
"We're not sure how, but if my sources are correct then it seems the Joker may be in possession of a device that could awaken it." Mysterion added.
Batman's eyes darkened, but before he could reply to the boy his attention was caught by a sudden scent that was reminiscent of college. "Why do I smell Doritos and that Mary Jane?" Batman asked in a curious tone.
"You guys wanna get high?" A familiar voice questioned as everyone in the room turned to find a strange looking towel with blood shot eyes, holding a dimly lit blunt.
"God damn it Towely." The Human Kite said, epically hitting his forehead.
The Coon approached the Towel with a disappointed scowl, "Towely you are aware that you are under the influence and in possession of a class B substance in front of Batman right?"
"Who the hell is Batman?" The Towel answered in an aloof tone.
Confused, the Batman furrowed his brow and said, "Why is there a talking towel in my Batcave and why the hell isn't anyone watching the door?"
"Yeah, how the hell did you even get in here?" Toolshed inquired.
Towely looked around in a stony and confused manner, "I don't know man I'm so high I don't even know where I am?"
"You're in the Batcave dude."
"The Batcave? Oh I thought this was PF Chang's." Towely mused in a belligerent fashion.
"Wait, you thought the Batcave was PF Chang's? Like for real dude?" The Coon said dumbfounded at his friend's lack of awareness.
"What's PF Chang's?" The stoned towel replied.
The Coon pinched his brow in frustration, "Fucking Christ Towely."
"Why is there a talking towel in my Batcave?" Batman asked again, clearly unamused.
"You're a towel
"No, I'm a man in a Bat suit, you're a towel."
"You're an asshole" The towel spat in a harsh, erratic manner, striking out at the Dark Knight, but was held back by the Human kite and Toolshed.
Batman of course was threatened very little by this shameful display and rolled his eyes in distaste. "So how exactly is this device supposed to work?" He said, trying to direct the conversation back toward the matter at hand.
"We're not sure, that's why we need your help." Mysterion replied, taking the lead once again. "We don't have the technology or the insight you possess. We're not just asking as heroes, we're asking you as children who need your help."
Everyone in the room went silent at the young boy's plea. Not a sound about talking towels, or unattended doors caught breath, only the simple silence of sincerity.
"That was really gay dude." The Coon snickered.
"You're a fucking asshole Cartman." Mysterion replied to the boy's dismay.
"I don't know what you're talking about, I don't even know who Eric Cartman is, but he sounds way Kool hehe."
Batman placed his hand to his chin and stared at the young boy, "Funny this whole time I thought you were Bruce Vilanch."
The Coon scowled at the Dark Knight, "I'm not fucking Bruce Vilanch! God!"
"Shut up Cartman!" The Human Kite hissed at his friend's idiocy.
"Christ you guys, what is the point of having secret identities if we're just gonna tell Batman who we are?"
"Would everyone just shut the hell up for a minute?" Batman shouted, startling all, including Alfred who was still trying to resolve the matter of who was supposed to be watching the door… who is supposed to be watching the door anyway?
"I don't know! That's Alfred's job, I'm in charge of saving Gotham on a daily basis and signing everyone's pay check." The Batman said pinching the bridge of his nose. "So do you boys really need my help or is this just a joke because if it is, it has gone on long enough!"
"It's not!" Mysterion exclaimed. "We came because you're the only person who can stop the Joker, we need you Batman, the world needs you!"
The hero looked back at the young boys whose eyes' held a look that was once held in his as a child. He'd couldn't deny those in need and even though they were a rag tag group of child dressed in the long underwear, with little to no talent or skill, and-
"We get narrator! We suck compared to Batman, you don't need to go into great detail about it." Toolshed shouted cutting the narrator off, so I guess we'll move on. Take it Batman!
"Oh… uh, thanks?" The hero muttered in a bit of confusion. "What were we talking about again?"
You were about to tell Coon and Friends that you'd join them on their less than epic journey to achieve God know what.
"I was?"
Yes, otherwise we wouldn't have a story and well, I have nothing better to do than narrate this epic shit show.
"Oookaay then? I guess I'll help you kids." Batman said with very little enthusiasm.
"That's a wise choice Batman, I promise you will not regret this." The Coon said proudly at the team's triumph, when suddenly they heard a violent gagging noise coming from Towely's direction.
"Did that towel just vomit in my Batcave?" Batman questioned in sheer disgust.
"Fuck you!" The Towel shouted then fell to ground and passed out momentarily.
"Batman, we are so sorry about this, we have no idea how he even got in here?" The Human Kite said, tending to his fallen friend.
"See, this is what happens when no one watches the door." Alfred said, looking on at the ghastly display.
"Yeah Alfred, we get it, can you just clean this up?"
"Can't he do it, he is a towel after all, isn't he?"
The Human Kite looked up from the horrid mess with concern, "Um yeah, if you knew whose and how much DNA this towel was covered in you wouldn't even want him in the Batcave."
"That's funny I don't want any of you the Batcave, but point taken." The Dark Knight shuddered. "I guess that leaves you old friend." He said back at Alfred.
"Well then I suppose it will be reminiscent of your college days." Alfred snickered in his even, yet sassy tone.
"Uhh… thanks Alfred."
"Yeah thanks, dude have fun cleaning Towely's puke!" The Coon shouted with an obnoxious laugh.
Alfred watched as Batman left with the group of (heroes?) and mused at the disgusting task at hand. "On more serious note, I want to see just where in my contract does it state that my duties also include cleaning the ripe vomit produced by a talking towel."