Intro: This is Butters' essay. There are a few... taboo-ish things in here, but nothing too horrible I hope. This tells of an older and more complex Butters, and how he feels alienated. Warnings for this chapter: Homosexuality, mentions of drug use, and slight non-con between two guys.
Butterscotch: by Leopold Scotch
I'm not as weak as everyone thinks. I just pretend. If they knew who I really was, what would they think? I know they already don't like me much, but I rather have them dislike this me than shun the real one. Things happen to kids in small towns, as much or maybe more-so than in the cities. You just don't see it. Here we cover everything wrong and bad up instead of informing all the neighbors. Sometimes, I almost wish we were in the city; then, at least, I'd have a better excuse.
I've had a lot of shit happen to me in my life; the short duration of 17 years it's been. So much that I couldn't even begin to list them all. Shit happens, but I just happen to be a magnet.
My parents, if I can really call them that, are both in various degrees of clinical insanity I suspect. My mother especially; she's tried multiple times to kill me, though many were when I was too sheltered and naïve to realize it. She's let up some since I've gotten older, but I think she blames me for my dad's problems. He's gay. He also has a habit of snorting coke to get in the mood and to forget about us at home. Now he has HIV, and he and my mother barely to speak to each other, let alone sleep in the same bed. He's not here often anymore, usually staying at a boyfriend's house for days at a time.
Ever since I can remember I wasn't like my friends. When they played football or other games on the playground I stayed to myself and sometimes sang softly. When they played World of Warcraft, I played Hello Kitty Island Paradise. I'm beginning to think homosexuality is hereditary. Once even, when I was younger and still naïve, my "friend" Eric got me sent to Camp Pray-the-Gay-Away accidentally, where I met my first real taste of gay. He was a bit taller than me, and probably older, with honey-blonde curls, and a major nail-biting problem. I don't remember his name, or much else about him except that when he kissed me and thanked me for whatever reason, his lips felt almost too nice.
I started researching this gay thing, and became interested and quite fond of my findings. Too fond. It was a few years later that this hobby of mine was going to ruin me.
Eric was the one who discovered my secret. He walked in on me as I was masturbating to a porno with two men. He just smirked at my frozen state of fear. "I knew it; you're a faggot and now I have proof!" He walked over to me and slapped my hand away from myself, pushing me out of my chair and onto the floor. Looking briefly at my computer screen I could see him stiffen, looking again at me as I was hastily trying to zip myself in, though he began to tug at the crotch of his jeans. I knew his secret too; and I told him. The dumbest thing I've ever done, I realize now.
Cartman screamed at me. He said I was I just fag and that no one cared about my kind and what I had to say. He ripped my pants at the seams in his fury, which cannot be matched by any other force on earth, and my panties as well. He began to touch me, blow me, and slapped me viciously when my body reacted. He proceeded to finish the rest of the deed, tearing me open, physically and my heart as well. He licked my tears sadistically, and horribly, it aroused me, as did his taunting reminder that I was enjoying his treatment. His rape.
This continued happening every so often from then on to now. After a while I realized my feelings for him. I really love him. When he's drowsy or asleep after his orgasm, I lie next to him and kiss his brow and lips. I clean us up and secretly caress and embrace him in his sleep, or I just watch him.
I never used to be so screwed up. Maybe it's all the false security around our little town. Maybe it's because my parents are also screwed up, undoubtedly corrupted by something that happened to them. Either way, I can't really change these things so I guess I am stuck the way I am.