Saving Cas
So here they were neither of them believing it could end this way , they had both died, gone to heaven to be sent back into a war they didn't want but had to fight in, gone to hell allowed to be tortured and humiliated in ways not even the darkest human mind could imagine, they had lost eachother,both had lost friends and loved ones, so many people they had to watch die with their own eyes and they had to bare that grief, guilt, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain and remorse every second of every day. They had both been plagued with nightmares, flashbacks, and been so near to being broken in almost every possible way and for what, to have to watch as yet another trusted ally falls casualty to this maddness, poor Castielle he had been through a hell of alot himself, dying and being tortured along with having to kill several of his own friends and family or having to watch them die.
Cas had good intentions when he started out, he had wanted this war over and he hadn't wanted to cause the human friends he had made more suffering, alas, he had lost sight of his friends as the feelings of being betrayed and mistrusted clouded his judgement not to mention the issues he had before all this, the issues he had with a father he had lost faith in and the brothers with whom he quarelled and who quarelled amongst themselves for the position of the absent and thought to be dead father add a lot of dangerous and addictive power to the mix of all this and you get an angel whose gone off the deep end lashing out at even his friends because the weight of things he couldn't understand was so unbareable and he felt he finally had the power to set everything right for himself no matter the cost he would have done so for his friends as well but he no longer considered them friends in fact he wanted to sneer at the fact he once counted them as such, he wouldn't allow their pleas and comments of caring for him, because what right did they have, he had never given them a reason to doubt ever before this, not since he'd acctually started fighting for them anyway and suddenly he has a way to end the war and at this most crucille juncture they try and stop him showing complete lack of faith in the angel they now make their pleas to, saying how much they care for him and that he needs to release the souls from purgatory, the souls he had worked so hard to obtain, his source of power, the weapon with which he had won the war, the reason he could stand here and declare himself the new GOD, he wanted to laugh at these pathetic creatures for making the suggestions of friendship, family, loyalty for being a good enough reason, along with saving the world to trust them and relinquish his weapon, he knew their claims of caring for him and his well being was only them trying to obtain mercy in the judgement he would pass .
Castielle mussed with the thought of just killing the three who stood there in the arrogance of assuming to try and reason with him in fact he mussed with the idea of just obliterating the world and being done with it all but some twinge of his insides perhaps a part of his old self the darkness hadn't managed to obliterate wouldn't allow it, upset a silly thing such as his own emotion could get in the way of the justice he thought he needed. So instead he would give the three an option and then when they refused he would be obliged to kill them and thus be guiltless and what emotions he had could be staved off because they refused him and had to be executed. So the option was that they kneal down on their knees, worship him as GOD, offer their souls and profess their love be forgiven and be allowed to live or deny him any of these things and die. It was a simple choice except for considerring the sheer stuborness and pride of his present company, he knew they would refuse, it was just their nature not to go down without a fight so what happened next was a bit of a shock to everyone.
It was Sam who changed everything. Sam who had just not minutes ago stabbed Cas with an archangels' blade , who had despised him only moments ago for the torture inflicted on him when the wall in his head was broken allowing memories of hell to flood his mind nearly killing him and nearly costing him his sanity. Sam whose soul had been in hell a whole year on earth that equalled centuries there and hadn't been broken enough to come out a demon, Sam whose physical body was in hell for over an hour which equalls over a year in hell and now he had memories of it all, all at once along with all the things he did while he had no soul and it still didn't break him like it should have, like it would have broken anyone else, Sam who had demon blood poured into his defensless and vulnerable infant mouth that gave him freak abilities that made his own brother fear him and call him a monster, Sam who had been destined to be a vessle to the most evil being ever and still Sam managed to get controll and save his brother's life along with saving the world by throwing himself, Adam, Michael, and Lucifer into the cage of Hell because of his love for Dean.
Sam fell to his knees, Dean looked as if he'd cry at this, his baby brother admitting defeat after everything they'd been through, this was more than he could bare so with defiance he held his own head up a little higher and determined to be strong for the both of them, like he always had to be.
Dean swallowed hard as hate for Cas filled him because he thought Sam was broken and he was so disapointed in himself for not keeping Sam safe and whole, a shocked Castielle's eyes widened he'd never anticipated even one of them to cave especially this easy but instead of professing his love and proclaiming his worship Sam just closed his eyes bowed his head folded his hands into eachother brought them up under his nose , Dean cocked his head sideways looking at Sam confussed, Sam looked like a child at bedtime saying his nightly prayers, Dean cautiously glanced at Cas who also bore confusion on his face then to his other side at Bobby who looked back at Dean and shrugged then Dean looked back at Sam who hadn't moved a muscle every eye in the room was on Sam and it stayed that way for what seemed like forever, Cas grew impatient he wouldn't stand for this imputence any longer. "MY FATHER IS DEAD THERE IS NO ONE BUT ME THE NEW GOD, THE BETTER GOD TO HEAR YOUR PRAYERS SO IF YOU ARE TO WORSHIP, WORSHIP ME AND IF YOU ARE TO PRAY THEN PRAY TO ME, LOVE ME AND ACCEPT ME AS YOUR ONE AND ONLY GOD!" Castielle shouted. "I am the only one who can save and protect you, and the ones you love this time, there isn't anyone else." Cas said lowering his eyes and hanging his head as if believing this acctually caused him saddness. But Sam still didn't budge, hadn't even flinched or showed any signs he heard when Cas was yelling so loud that Dean's and Bobby's eardrums felt busted.
Deans eyes were filled with tears some due to the pain and ringing in his ears and head but most of them were for pride in that stubborn, mulebrained, idiot brother that was kneeling, praying so earnestly being stronger than anyone here including himself and being stronger than Dean had ever given him credit for and suddenly Dean felt guilty, he had given his brother so much shit in the past because of his own doubts and fears, when he found out Sam prayed every night he had wanted to laugh but he shrugged and said "things you learn about a guy" but in a pompus judgy "I can't believe you buy into this fairytale crap" way. When he found out about Sam's abilities he was afraid of his own brother and without realizing it, had started to distrust him even before their father had said anything, he was, in the back of his mind preparing for Sam to go darkside, he'd even in a moment of anger and dissapointment called his own brother a monster which to this day is probably the most pain he's ever caused his brother even counting the beatings he inflicted on Sam which Dean realised most of those beatings had gone without being recouped, so at this moment Dean felt guilty as hell because of all the times he had doubted his brother, hurt his brother and been a hypocrite to him because Sam had proven him wrong time and time again and was now proving him wrong again, of all the times that Sam's strength, faith and loyalty had saved them this was the one that showed Dean the light and now more than ever Dean wanted Sam to know he was proud.
His eyes were filled with tears, Dean's heart felt heavy with emotion, love, pride, inexplicable happieness, trust and a twinge of something he could only describe as faith being as it was new he really had never felt it before but Sam believed so much that he was risking his life and soul to pray and that was enough to make Dean believe to, the last time he had done this he'd wanted to keep from losing his brother and he remembered being angry at GOD and even denying his existence in the past but at this moment witnessing Sam's act of faith was like breathing clean fresh air for the first time it was like being babtized, Dean felt clean and new all the way through to his soul, Dean bowed his head compelled to pray compelled to follow Sam's example and he didn't turn to see but he could swear he could feel Bobby doing the same .
Castielle paced back and forth across the room anger bubbling in his heart against another emotion he wished would just go away. Insanity growing stronger, the dark thoughts in his head twisting into even darker ones, but still, there were, stray beams of light that kept breaking through, no matter how dark his mind twisted and no matter how much of his mind that darkness held, it still could not keep the small amounts of light from from breaking through, couldn't chase it away, the light was relentless, his head was aching he wished for the darkness to just win already it would be so much easier if the darkness won he wouldn't have these messy emotions to deal with anymore and he just didn't want to feel at all, it hurt, because things like guilt and shame poured in and he wanted for sure to shut those off as quickly as possible along with feeling love and compassion for his friends he wanted those gone to so that he could punish them for their betrayale, doubt and defiance but he was also tired of fighting, he'd been fighting for so long trying to always fight for what's right and good he grimaced at that thought because it caused him actuall physicall pain a shooting pain, electric like lightning through his whole body as pieces of the old him fought for the goodness in him against the power induced madness that was trying to keep it's hold.
Some part of Cas remembered this wasn't part of the plan, he had planned to get the souls from purgatory, Crowly was the one who messed that process up and even though Cas had been successful at getting the souls it had cost him Bobby's, Dean's, and Sam's trust plus Cas had been forced to damage innocent lives and had been forced to hurt Sam by breaking the wall in his head hoping it would distract Dean and Bobby and keep them out of the way just long enough to do what was needed and end the war then get back to Sam and help him, the plan got messed up even more when Bobby and Dean showed up in spite of Sam's falling into a sudden coma like state, but he'd had a backup plan for them cause he knew them to well of course that plan went out the window with the insanity induced anger of feeling betrayed but the one thing Cas had not expected was for Sam to make his way out of the unconsious state the breaking of the wall in his head had put him in on his own but to come out of it with his sanity without some sort of assistance, Cas had never estimated for Sam to be even close to that strong and it was Sam's being here that made it harder for the darkness to win because no matter what, Castielle would always have compassion for Sam and all that he'd sufferred through his heart gave a lurch his mind reeled at the thoughts of the pain Sam went through and must still be going through Cas knew the torture Sam had endured was so immense in every way and sorrow filled Cas so small bits of the real Cas were starting to emerge and fight their way through to help his friends battle this thing that had taken on a life of it's own but his guilt and shame of the bad things he'd done that lead to this point snagged his insides and pulled Cas back into the darkness and continued pouring fear and doubt on top of him trying to drown him and kill whatever goodness was in him.
In mere minutes Cas went from vibrant and glowing full of power to looking half dead dark circles having formed around his eyes his skin pale and clamy his body jerking with spasms that came more and more frequently his breath growing painful, raspy and jagged and he started talking to himself spurts of deranged ranting and muttering aparently in a feverish delusion because anything he was saying would have made no sense to anyone listening the overload of power was killing him and he still wouldn't relinquish it because the bad part of him was obssessed with having the power was obssessed with being GOD because someone had to be GOD and so it might as well be him at least there would be no more fighting among his brothers and no more attempts to prematurelly start the appocalypse which had been what he was trying to put an end to in the firstplace. The good part of him all but had conceeded defeat as the good part of him thought after all the wrong he had done he deserved to die an agonizingly slow, painful, guilt filled death.
Finally Sam shifted his head slowly raising, his hands lowering to his sides he had ended his prayer with a barely audible AMEN, he slowly rose to standing showing no soreness, stiffness or any signs at all in fact that he had just spent nearly thirty minutes with his knees bent onto cold hard ground with his head hung below his shoulders in solumn prayer. He stood there quitely a moment looking into Castielle's eyes and seeing the turmoil whithin Sam felt pity because he knew that turmoil firsthand, then Sam spoke his voice was temperred with reverance, peace and love but held a strong authority,a stern message that must have commanded to be heard because Castielle stopped spasming and fell silent, calm and still, Dean and Bobby were both compelled to look up from their prayers and listen to Sam.
Sam started out," Castielle I will not worship you," Cas looked angered and agast but before he could open his mouth to interupt Sam continued,"Castielle you are not GOD there is only one GOD and that is your father and he is not dead, you've just choosen not to sense it because you feel abandoned but he has never left your side nor mine nor Deans or any of his children have walked alone even a second of our lives, We are not in his presence so we cannot perceive him, but, He is always in our presence so he perceives us, all we do he sees it, all we say he hears it and everything we think about, he knows it Castielle, so don't let your faith be swayed by rumors whether from Heaven or Earth your father is absolute and infinite as is time and Death, there is no negotiating, no fight or war you could win or lose that makes his position yours or any of your brothers' to claim.
"My soul spent over a year in hell, my body was there over an hour then I walked around with no coinscience or soul and I now remember all of it and even after going through all that pain and it was alot of horrific pain Cas, I still believe in GOD and believe he is alive and I believe that there is a purpose for everything that's happened that I might come to understand someday, if I didn't have that belief I would have never beaten Lucifer would have never been able to come out of hell without being a demon I might be broken but at least I'm not that so I'm thankfull, ."
"With that being said Cas, I do Give you my loyalty, trust and frienship you've always had those, but you've got to remember we are mere humans that make mistakes and sometimes that means getting set in our ways we think we are right and when someone goes against what we think is right even if what we're thinking is right is wrong, someone tends to get hurt, all our race can do is try to learn to be more accepting, patient, tolerant and understanding but, even the best of us are going to have an off day, you, have to learn to forgive."
" As for you Cas, I know what you're going through I had a power so awesome and it felt so good, so right, I had good intentions in the use of my power it felt like I was doing the right thing and I couldn't just stop, no matter how many times I had been warned because without realizing it, I became addicted to it let it turn me into something I never intended to be and what's in you it's like a million times more unstable and dangerous it's burning through you and will consume you it will destroy you Cas and possibly take the whole world with you and we don't want the world to end and we don't want to die but most of all we don't want to sit here powerless as this stupid fight takes away another friend, I know you had good intentions for this power Cas you thought you had no other options you did bad things to obtain it, really bad Cas,but even angels can make mistakes and even angels can be forgiven . You can be forgiven for all the things you did wrong even the stuff you think was really bad, because we understand why you did it and we even understand the madness it caused in you and I'm sorry you thought you had to go through this alone, but is over now, we're here Cas, we're not going anywhere," he looked at Dean with reconition," like it or not you are our family and we won't leave you like this, we are not gonna let you fight it alone, but you do have to fight it for your own sake because we won't just allow ourselves to lose you".
Castielle's eyes brim with tears and he breaks into sobs hard enough to rack his already sore body he was so tired Sam's words had barely broke through the maddness but enough that they helped that part of him that had given up get the strength to rebell against the evil force inside him that had been holding the parts of him that was still good under and bit by bit good piece after good piece was freed and started an assault on the darkness, insanity, the sorrow and the guilt it was excrutiatingly painful as all out war broke out inside him he started writhing, pain etched on his face now being vocalized by what sounded like legions of screams coming from Castielle's mouth and finally the souls and all the troubles they had brought with them were chased out of Cas and sent back to purgatory where they belong.
Dean had recognized a familiarity to some of the last words Sam had spoken, it sounded alot like what he said when Lucifer was beating the crap out of him, he was never really sure if Sammy heard him till now and Deans eyes started filling up again, Dean had felt his heart nearly stop when he had seen Sam sink to his knees thinking his brother had been weakened so much by all that he'd gone through that he would so easily conceed defeat it had felt a lot like loss and grief like he'd watch Sam die again, he felt so ashamed at himself for assuming Sam was weak, like he always did like he always secretly made the assumption Sam would disapoint him and go evil first chance he got and here Sam was with everything he'd been through, which was more than Dean could try to fathom, Sam completly forgiving Cas with no grudges or strings attached and dangling as only a truly good person could, Sam who was standing at Castielle's side helping him through his pain walk towards the door, Sam who had fought countless fights with all sorts of evil his most dangerous encounters had been what lay within himself and he had still in the end won over it, even beaten the devil himself,Now that this was all over Dean couldn't stop his mind from going over all these things, he had doubted his brother, he had hurt his brother he gave his brother less trust than he deserved, and all this time he had been the weak one a horrible hypocrite that punished Sam even when he had tried to do right and never felt the need to show compassion or understanding to him, no, he couldn't even imagine the battles his own brother had fought whithin himself Dean had just gone straight to," it's wrong cause I say it is Sam," "or if I didn't know you I'd want to hunt you," or locking him in Bobby's basement because he had been to much a coward to help his brother fight, in Sam's desperate time of need and Sam had always forgiven him and allowed himself to be treated like crap because in the end he was truly the bigger man the wiser brother.
Dean rushed over to Sam's side and got ahold of Cas's other arm helping them both get out of the building when they settled Cas outside against a wall he made sure Bobby was out of ear shot, he was heading out to find a car as the Impala had been flipped earlier, and making sure that Cas was sufficiently unconsious and reached out his hand to Sam touching his shoulder, Sam was looking down at Cas, all parts of his own broken mind trying to fit themselves back together every once in a while a horrid memory of hell flashed in his head or a memory of the things he did while souless either one made him shudder or flinch involuntarilly, Dean could sense his brother's pain so shaking his shoulder he asked," Hey Sammy you still with me?,"
Sam had almost completly forgot the presence of his brother he had been entranced in memories but came back with the sound of Dean's voice,"Yeah," Sam said," Still with you.," Dean took this moment, turn his over sized "little" brother to face him and said," Sam for all the times I was an ass I am so sorry, I was a horrible brother and you still stuck with me you were always good because even in your worst moments you still fought to be good, even when you had no soul that goodness was in you somewhere because you recognized the need for a conscience recognized the need to be good and wanted your soul back and yeah so you got scared when you found out getting your soul back meant memories of hell and the possibility of insanity and death and realizing now what they're doing to you the pain you're going through no one can blame you for going off the deep end it just means you were more human than I had given you credit for, being the coward and hypocrite I was, I saw you as an animal running on pure instinct but I judged to harshly I mean look at what a wreck I've been in the past all the wrong I had done to myself, others and you and I didn't even have not having a soul or conscience as an excuse and when you had your abilities, I was an unsupportive dick who couldn't bring myself to understand the reasons you thought you needed them I just treated you, my own blood like shit because of my own doubts and fears and I know if it had been me I couldn't have forgiven that kind of betrayale. Sam you not only forgave me time and again but also allowed me to hurt you over and over and you never once stopped forgiving me never drew a line where it was the last straw you had endurance and patience so yeah Sam you have always been a good person it was me that always saw only the bad until I started making you see it to, you lost faith in yourself because I was an idiot and lost faith in you and pulled you down to that level I just couldn't let you rise above it and be the kind of great you had the potential to be, I helped push you into that darkness then just held you under because I had lost faith in you but never again Sam I'll never lose sight of just how strong and loyal and good you are again I will not lose faith in you again.
Dean was bawling Sam had satyed quiet his face expressionless and Dean was suddenly scared, Sam you do forgive me right? For all the horrible wrongs I've done to you? Dean's pleas were earnest and held fear like a child's fear of being rejected by the person they love most in this world. Sam had stood as still as a statue hadn't even blinked as far as Dean could tell and Dean thought maybe he'd pushed to far just assuming he desserved forgiveness maybe he couldn't take back all the bad things he'd done because he didn't try when he had the chance maybe it was to late maybe Sam was past the point of forgiving him maybe his patience had run out it still didn't make Sammy a bad person just human like everyone else Dean thought and he couldn't blame Sam for getting this fed up Dean had dredged up a lot and heaped it all at once onto Sam kinda out of nowhere. So Dean just sorta patted Sam's shoulder then akwardly droped his arm back to his side and turned to leave Sam. Sam was in a state of shock Dean didn't like talking about his or really anyone else's feelings let alone dropping a huge outa nowhere emotional bombshell like this he had no idea how to respond, yes of course he forgave Dean always would, but he didn't put nowhere near as much blame on Dean as Dean seemed to be putting on himself he didn't know what to say but his brother was walking away and Sam felt the chance to do anything slipping away so he spun on his heels took a few long strides to catch up to Dean grabbed him by the shoulder and when Dean was facing him Sam's heart went to his throat Dean's eyes were puffy and red tears streaming from them like somenone left on the tap his bottom lip was quivering and he was blubbering Sam couldn't say anything so he cleared his throat took an akward step forward and pulled Dean into him and squeezed him as hard as he could without breaking Dean's back then Sam put his hands on Dean's shoulders held him out and looked into his eyes and let an unspoken understanding pass between them then smirked and said I thought I was the one that did all the sappy Halmark card stuff? Dean laughed his brother so perfectly using kind of humor that was Dean's usuall defense mechanism when stuff got emotionally heavy and that was some serious heavy emotion only seconds ago, then Dean got quiet and said seriously dude I am so proud of you, now it was now Sam's turn for the akward tearful blubbering because it meant the world to him to hear Dean say that.
They were both so exausted physically, mentally, spirituall and emotionally a little less than an hour ago they were losing the war they had been fighting for years, and they were going to lose a friend and ally , the world was going to end and in less than that same hour they regained their friend turned the tide on the fate of the world and somehow won the war, "again," they had both slumped against the same wall on each side of the uncoscience Cas both of them silently wondering if Cas would come out of all this ok, they both knew that he was going to need a lot of support and they were both happy to provide all that was needed just to get him back to his old self.
Bobby had finally come back with an old rusted station wagon that looked to be on it's last leg but it had been the only choice he had considering he was in a hurry the boys both needed patching up from their encounter and there was no telling what sort of tending to the angel would need so he rushed as fast as an old man can, found a car all be it a crappy car but the only one available that ran and when he got out of the car and was rushing over to them Dean managed to open his eyes and said Bobby what's with the rustbucket as glanced sideways at the car Bobby had found Bobby swore under his breath Dean thought it sounded like he had something about him and a pain in his ass Dean just grinned to tired really to give Bobby more hassle passed back out Bobby bent down pulled one of Sam's arms over his shoulder and tugging him to a stand Sam's legs struggled to hold his weight but in his damn stuborn will he told Bobby he was fine to stand on his own so Bobby obliged released him and turned to help Dean but as he turned away Sam faultered suddenly dizzy and nasuas he felt his knees hit hard ground rough gravel embedding into his skin his head reeled and he was being swallowed into blackness the last thing he felt as his body fell forward was a hand on his chest and a hand on his back pull him steady and he heard Bobby's voice saying soothingly easy, easy, followed by a gruff," Damn stubborn jackass," as he went out for the count.