Winter Conversations
By Lady Peter
Author's Note:
Leia is 18 or 19 at 0 ABY. She's just a kid! We aren't too surprised to see her behaving so formally because she's been in such an adult role in the Senate, and then because she's experienced such trauma. But what about the Leia we meet in "the Princess Leia Diaries[1]?" Does she always, _always_ talk like a princess and senator? Or does she ever get a chance to revisit the teenager she once was, and still is in some ways?
Thanks to Should I Get Out and Push for Beta reading and much-needed encouragement. Thanks for coaching me through my first fic, Push!
Setting:
~1 ABY. Deserted mess hall of one of those rebel bases they're always searching for or evacuating. Winter, who spends most of her time connected to another rebel cell doing spy stuff under the alias "Targeter" is on base for a few days, and she and Leia are catching up. These are two imagined excerpts from their talk.
L: I'm so awed by what you can do, Winter. I could never go into deep cover like that! Here I am complaining about how lonely I feel here, and meanwhile you spend weeks or months with no-one to talk to, no-one who even knows your real name!
W: Well, it's not easy being you, either, sweetie.
L: Ugh, don't call me that! That word has forever been ruined for me.
W: What? Why?
L: Oh, that stupid Solo is always calling me "sweetheart," along with all kinds of other sarcastic little names. It's so... gross.
W: That's right, I'd totally forgotten that he was back here!
L: I wish I could forget! But there seems to be an informal mission team coming together with me and Luke and Chewbacca and him. It seems to work well most of the time, but Gods, is it annoying sometimes! I think we formed some kind of weird bond escaping the Death Star together, and now we're all stuck with each other.
W: Well, it doesn't seem like Luke minds.
L: No, Luke is such a good friend to me. He's so sweet, and so committed to the Alliance. But sometimes he's just a little too... enthusiastic.
W: Has he ever made a move on you?
L: Thank the Stars, no. I don't know what I'd do! I wouldn't want to lose his friendship, but you know things are never the same after one person comes out and makes a declaration. Or sticks his tongue in your mouth, as the case may be.
W: Oh no, Gavin! That was awful. What part of "I don't like you that way" don't you understand?
L: I think all he heard you say was "I... like you."
W: Uhhhh. That was the worst.
L: So yeah, I'd hate for Luke to pull a Gavin. He's the best friend I have here. I'd feel so alone without him. So I'm glad he's such a little boy about this stuff! He just gazes at me from beneath his eyelashes once in a while.
W: Hee! But what about Solo? I'd say he was more your type, anyways.
L: My type? I don't have a type! You're the one with the type. You've gone for the golden boys ever since that time Jahan Cross swept through and stole your little heart.
W: Oh, please, you were into Jahan too. And you've gone in for tall, dark and handsome ever since Baron Landsdale was our poetry master. "Oh, Baron Landsdale, tell the story of Priam at the walls of Troy again!"
L: Stop it! Oh Gods, do you know whatever happened to him? Shit.
W: Oh no. Wait... no! He moved to Imperial Center four years ago. I bet he's fine.
L: [Sighs] This is all too terrible. But its so much easier when you're here.
W: I know: I feel the same way. Maybe I should quit the covert ops game and join you here. There's got to be something I can do here.
L: Oh, that would be so nice. But you really love what you do, don't you?
W: I do: you're right.
Sooo, no interest in Solo, then?
L: Stop looking at me that way! No! We're so completely ill-suited to each other. And he's so _him_.
W: He seemed OK to me when I worked with him. I mean, kind of a dick sometimes, but then again: your type.
L: Please quit this about my type. I don't have a type! I could find almost any man attractive if he had the qualities that I value.
W: And those would be?
L: Honor, loyalty, intelligence, and... wit too, I suppose. And that man does _not_ have those qualities.
W: Wait, are you going into Princess Mode on me? No way.
L: Maybe a little. I spend so much time in PM these days that I'm starting to forget there's anything else! It's so pathetic. OK, well, if it's just me talking and not PM me, then: intelligence, wit, passion, courage. Even in Me mode, "kind of a dick" is not on that list. That is _not_ something I value in a man.
W: What about Lord Farseer?
L: Ah, he's a fictional character, Winter.
W: Yes, and you were in love with him for years! You probably still are, for all I know.
L: Maybe. But he's not a dick! He's tortured and passionate!
W: Oh come on. He tries to marry Fai while he has his first wife locked in his servants' quarters! Plus he's constantly being a jerk for their whole relationship before he declares his love for her in the middle of some thunderstorm.
L: Oh, isn't it wonderful?
W: You are such a romantic.
L: Shh! Only very secretly. But no real man could ever be like Lord Farseer. It's a fantasy. Any real person who acted that way would be unbearable. The proof: your partner in crime who's standing over there trying to eavesdrop while getting a late coffee.
"Nothing to see here, go about your business, Captain."
[To be fair, he's not so much trying to eavesdrop as standing in astonishment at a sound he's never heard before: Leia giggling.]
W: So honestly, there's nothing? If you're being completely honest with your best friend in the world?
L:
W: Ohhhh, you do like him!
L: I don't like him! I just... OK, there's something there. But really, it is such a nothing "something" it's not even worth discussing.
W: Why not? He's a man, you're a woman...
L: You need to stop or I am not having this conversation with you! You're being worse than I was about you and Gavin.
W: OK, OK, but seriously, what's so wrong with it?
L: Because he's a criminal!
W: Not anymore. Don't you yourself say that once someone joins up and makes a commitment to the Alliance that their past doesn't matter any more? If someone believes enough in the cause to give up their former life, that's enough.
L: That's the thing! He won't take a commission, and he didn't want to be here in the first place. He fell into it through bad luck, and now he's just hanging around until something better comes along. He doesn't wear the uniform, he doesn't have a rank, he holds himself apart. I think he thinks we're all idiots for risking our lives for this!
W: Then why is he still here?
L: Oh, I don't know. No, that's not true: Chewbacca wants to be here, and he can't think of anything better to do, so he's just killing time.
W: OK, OK. I'll try not to pester you about it. But if you do ever get together with him, you will never live it down, do you hear me?
L: I'm not even a tiny bit worried about that.
W: Well then, is there anyone else you have your eye on? Who's the most bangable guy here?
L: Bangable? Seriously? We didn't even say bangable when we were 15!
W: Maybe we're more sexually mature now.
L: Somehow I don't see "bangable" as a sign of maturity, sexual or any other kind.
W: What did we say when we were 15? I can't even remember now. That's so sad!
L: No sadness today, remember? I think we called guys either cute or hot. Or gross.
W: That's so boring!
L: It kind of is. Maybe we should have called them bangable. OK, who's the most bangable guy here? Hmm... I just can't think of anyone on this base as either hot or bangable. I think my libido is dead! That's so depressing.
W: Now I'm really sad. You were so boy crazy at university!
L: I was not! That was you. I remember you making out with three different guys in one night!
W: So not true. I made out with one, kissed another on the dance floor, and one kissed me when I was just trying to hug him! Totally different. And I can remember you fully making out with Angus during that river cruise for the spring equinox! Everyone talked about that for days afterward.
L: Whatever. We barely did anything. People just like to talk. And, we should stop talking and go back to my quarters right now, unless you want to attend this party in your honor wearing that flight suit.
[That night, after an evening of drinking and laughing and even a little impromptu dancing, during which Winter spends more time with Leia and her new companions. The two old friends have managed to shake Luke off and retire to Leia's cramped quarters with a last bottle of liquor. They sit on the bed in a state of semi-dress, finishing off the bottle and engaging in a post-mortem of the evening.]
L: I can't believe you kissed K_! Absolutely shameless, young lady!
W: Hee! That was pretty awesome of me, wasn't it? Well, one of us has to live it up, right? When youre in my territory you can cut loose too. I'm leaving tomorrow anyway, so what does it matter?
L: Don't remind me! I'll turn into a sad drunk, and I hate that. I do wish I could be as brazen as you are about guys, though. I envy your freedom!
W: Why aren't you more bold, then? That was certainly never a problem for you before.
L: That was before. I feel such a weight of responsibility all the time. It seems like everyone is always watching me. I can't afford to screw up. My role in the Alliance is all I have now. And at the same time, somehow it feels like being the Princess of Alderaan is more important now that there... isn't an Alderaan anymore. It's like I have to embody everything that was great about our home, or else I'm spitting on its memory. Does that make any sense?
W: I guess so. But I don't know why it has to extend to everything.
L: Maybe it doesn't, but that's how it feels. I don't know, maybe I'm making excuses for being a coward. If having a love life is inappropriate, then I don't have to worry about having one.
W: I guess everything is different now than it was at university. I can see how it would seem impossible to you. But maybe it doesn't have to be. You deserve to have a little happiness, Sweetie. Oh, sorry! I said it! I am glad I got a chance to see that little dynamic up close tonight.
L: Oh yes, that was in full effect.
W: Are you sure you don't...
L: I am so drunk right now...
W: Yes...?
L: He is so hot!
W: I knew it! I knew it! Especially after all that flirting tonight...
L: [Laughing] I know, it's awful. It must be so transparent. Thank the Stars there's no law against flirting. Or looking. I can't stand it! He's gorgeous! He's just really good-looking. I can't help it, OK? Have you seen his hands?
W: Yes, I've seen his hands, but aside from the ten fingers I can't say I've noted much about them.
L: Those fingers! I could seriously stare at them all day. And that butt, and those eyes...
W: Yea, his eyes are, like, brown, right?
L: Nooo! They're brown and then green and then they have a tiny bit of orange in them. They're so sexy! Oh, just listen to me. Oh: and that "sweetheart" thing? I love it.
W: You have it bad!
L: Do you hear me? Do you hear how pitiful this sounds? I have to shake it off! It's just because I'm drunk. That's all. Here, give me the bottle. If I get drunk enough to black out maybe I'll forget this whole conversation.
W: No way. Blacking out is not good. Look: its no big deal. What does it matter if you think he's fine? He certainly seems to return the sentiment.
L: But I don't even really like him! He drives me insane. And I can't seem like a boy-crazy little girl with a crush. No-one will take me seriously anymore.
W: So you think he's kind of hot. Fine. It doesn't have to mean anything more than that.
L: Right, right! I'm a big girl, I can control myself. It's not so strange that I'd be attracted to a guy or two. What matters is what I do with that. And I'm going to do NOTHING. OK? NOTHING.
W: Are you talking to me or yourself right now?
L: Both of us. Getting involved with him in any way would be disastrous. Besides, I'm sure he's not really interested in me. He just likes to flirt and argue.
W: Maybe. Too soon to tell, I think.
L: Too soon to tell? That makes it sound like there's some kind of long game here. I seriously doubt that.
W: I don't know. I think you two look good together.
L: Oh! I know what you're doing! You're trying to make me not miss you when you leave tomorrow! Well, it won't work. I'll cry myself to sleep for days when you're gone. Even if you do try to make up some cheesy romance story about me and Solo.
W: I'll miss you too. I always imagined we'd be fighting the good fight together. But now you have a new team coming together, and I'm doing this whole lone wolf thing. It all seems so strange.
L: I can't wait until we can have adventures together again. Maybe then it won't all feel so scary.
W: Don't you feel safe with Han and Luke and Chewie?
L: As safe as I possibly could, I guess. It's just all so real now.
W: Let's go to sleep. I want to share a room with you for one more night before I leave.
L: OK, sweetie.
[1] Star Wars Tales 11. Dark Horse Comics, 2002.