Author: ghostlycat543 (Cat)

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and the rest of the canon universe does not belong to me. I just play with it from time to time. JKR owns them, as well as any book publishers or movie companies also with the rights. Lucky them.

Rating: PG-13, T. Whatever you care to call it.

Summary: Random thought: How can I create a Severitus fic with no angst? Here is the result. It is distinctly crack-ish. If this offends you.. go away.

Warning: Established slash relationship, but nothing too graphic.

Pairing: HP/DM (onesided), HP/RW

Author's Note: I have worked with the term PWP as "Porn Without Plot" for the last few years. A reviewer informed me it's also "Plot What Plot", so I just wanted to clarify this. Also! I am a HUGE Severitus Challenge fan, AND a pretty solid Harry/Draco fan. This was just a bit of fun on my part, nit-picking the cliches that come across.

Enjoy!

Non-Angst Severitus. Not in H/D.

One day in potions class…

Severus sighed, becoming OOC. "Harry, I need to talk to you."

"Yes?" Harry, the horrifically abused Boy Who Lived (though not according to JKR) asked, apparently unsurprised at the use of his first name.

"I am your father," Snape said. "Your mother was my secret lover, and to hide the evidence of her affair she set some charms on her newborn baby – you – to hide all of my genetics. The wonder of magic!! The charms should be wearing off right about… now."

With a pop, Harry's hair abruptly straightened and lengthened, his cheekbones rose, he grew five inches, and gained a set of rock-hard muscles.

"Wow!" Harry cried, conjuring up a mirror and looking at his new self. "All evidence of the Dursley's non-abuse is gone! And wow, I didn't even need to work out for these muscles! Thanks Dad!"

Snape's eyes teared mysteriously and he turned to hide any racking sobs that would appear. Harry was distracted from himself by a pale arm wrapping around his waist.

"Hey lover," Draco breathed into his ear.

Harry wrinkled his brow, obviously puzzled.

Draco rolled his eyes. "Please. You're supposed to become a Slytherin overnight, hide your "Harry" identity from your friends, and have at least three chapters of gratuitous PWP in these kinds of fics. Then we fall in love."

"But I already have a boyfriend!" Harry protested.

"You can't!"

"But I do!"

Draco pulled out a thick book comprised of most Severitus Challenge fics. "But it says so right here!"

"Draco…" Harry started, placing a hand on his rival's shoulder. A pointed male cough had Harry hurriedly removing the hand-to-body contact. "What you're suggesting sounds like there's a lot of angst involved. I'm not in an angsty mood – it's far too depressing already with the reality of Voldemort," –pause for flinches- "hanging over my shoulder." Another pause, so Harry could briefly stare moodily into the distance. "The last thing I want after finding my long-lost father is this kind of relationship – admittedly with lots and lots of PWP - that.. that.."

"Will drive you and readers close to suicide, or at least to tears?" Hermione suggested.

"Precisely!" Harry pointed at her before turning back to Draco. "Not to mention, you're far too monochromatic for my taste. I hope we can still be enemies."

Draco's chin trembled slightly, but nodded and went back to his seat.

Snape turned around again, this time all smiles. His yellow teeth sparkled like the sun in the low dungeon lighting. "Now, my son, you will miraculously be good at potions, learn how to sneer at everyone in your path, and suddenly make me shower!"

"Yay!" Harry cheered. "Wait – what?"

"Don't I get a say in this?" Ron suddenly asked, coming to the front of the room, much to their audience's shock.

Draco sneered. "Why the hell would you get a say in this, Weas…ley?" He gaped, then flipped through the huge book of fanfics he was still clutching. Nowhere in it did it say "R. Weasley asserts himself as H. Potter's lover interest and proceeds to kiss the stuffing out of him".

Harry pulled his boyfriend closer for a quick grope – which had most of the females in the class swooning – before answering. "Of course you do, Won-Won." Lavender giggled briefly, but no one cared. "Do you still want to be with me? Do you still find me… desirable?"

Harry chuckled as he suddenly felt Ron's erection. "Well, that's one answer."

Ron looked at Harry seriously. "You know, I could be all moody for a month or so, become seriously sexually frustrated, and provide many long angsty chapters for the authoress to write, who's only writing a oneshot before her next class so needs to wrap this up in the next ten minutes." He took a breath.

"But to spare Cat, I'm going to say yes, I still want to be with you. You're hot no matter who your father is, and you've already spurned Malfoy for me, so sure. Let's stick together, graduate together, maybe get married down the road after it's decided that MPREG is possible for naturally-born males, and live happily ever after."

So they did.

And you know what?

They created a hell lot more of PWP than Harry and Draco would have made in this 'verse.

So there.