Falling

Sorry for this. I recently told one of my friends about my suicide attempt a couple of years ago. She was the first person that I told. This just attacked my mind and I couldn't help myself, I had to write it. Song lyrics at the end belong to One Direction, from the brilliant song Moments.

Maybe they'd call him a coward for running away, maybe their names for him would be worse. It's not like it could bother him where he was going. He wasn't killing himself, because he wasn't really living. He was going through the motions. He was numb. Living without emotion isn't really living at all. Therefore he was already dead, his body just had to catch up with his mind.

Everybody said that suicide is selfish. Sebastian knows that that is complete bullshit. Sure, the people he loves will be sad for a while, but their scars will heal soon enough. They would recover and be free from his toxic personality. They were better off getting it all over now and being free from pain for the rest of their lives.

Sebastian wanted a lot of things. More than anything he just wanted to feel, anything but the numbness that clouded his life. It wasn't about the attention. He couldn't care less about it. He didn't really even want to die, just didn't have the energy to live anymore. If there was some other option, a way to just fall asleep and never wake up, he'd take it in an instant. He supposed though, that was what death was, eternal sleep. No more suffering. No more pain.

It would be quick. He wasn't scared. Okay, that was a lie. Sebastian was terrified. What if it didn't work? How would he face everyone when they found out what happened? They would try to stop him. Nobody understood. This was the way it was meant to be. This was how his life was always meant to end, it had just taken him years to realise it. The fear settled in his bones and he let out a bitter laugh. It was so much better than the numbness.

There were so many ways to do it. He couldn't choose. An overdose was the easiest, it would be just like falling asleep. Though Sebastian was always a little dramatic, maybe his exit from life should be the same. Something with more blood. Yes, he decided, that was how he'd do the deed.

He'd always had a bit of a fascination with blood if he was honest. The hauntingly beautiful contrast of the ruby pearls as they rolled across his pale wrist and stained his white shirt. The texture, more viscous than water but still flowing freely. The tangy metallic taste as he brought the drops up to touch against his lips, as he kissed the life as it flowed from his veins.

He didn't write a note. He had nothing to say. Nobody cared enough to read it anyway. No, this would be his goodbye. Actions speak louder than words and all of that poetic nonsense. He was feeling very poetic at this point. Maybe it was being delirious from blood loss, or maybe it was just finally getting what he'd wanted for years and had always been too afraid to admit to himself.

There was one person he'd told. He told Hunter that he didn't want to live anymore. Hunter had thought he was joking, had yelled at him for taking the piss. Maybe he should write a note, make sure his best friend doesn't blame himself. Everything was getting blurry now as he tried to write his final goodbye. He should have prepared this earlier.

The paper was stained with blood and tears, which until that moment Sebastian hadn't noticed were running down his cheeks. It was going to be okay.

Hunt,

Don't be sad, this is what I want.

It isn't your fault.

I am sorry.

Sebastian.

He could see the end coming to him now. There was none of that "walk into the light" cliché, no random angels encouraging him. No, it was just like falling asleep. The blackness started to eat away at the edges of his vision and he felt himself relax. Everything would be okay now.

There's a numb in my toes

Standing close to the edge

There's a pile of my clothes

At the end of your bed

As I feel myself fall,

Make a joke of it all.