They say 'once an addict always an addict' and to some extent I think that's true. Usually I rely on statistics to answer my questions but with such a taboo and difficult subject as addiction, any statistics I had would only be representative of those who admit their addiction, so any hypotheses/conclusions I could make would not be, in my terms, scientifically accurate.
Even though I have not used in years, I still think about it every day. When I wake up there is the briefest of seconds where I don't remember about my addiction, and then it all comes back to me. Some days are worse than others. Some days I can push the thought aside and get on with my day, other days are bad and the addiction becomes the most important thing during that day.
On the bad days it is like wading through tar every second of the day, fighting the urges to ring a dealer and go shoot up. You play out the scenario in your head; what time you would ring, who you would ring, what excuse you would make to leave work, where you would inject, how you would cover it up etc. The thought process is endless but in a way going through the motions of thinking it through calms you down a little, that is until you finish your scenario. If you don't give in, you spend all day and night thinking about it, sometimes you even dream about doing it then wake up and freak out. If you do give in, you feel better for a short while but then the guilt overpowers the relief you felt and you get this feeling of dread inside you and an overwhelming desire to turn back time.
Sometimes you kid yourself into thinking that you'll give in but only to a certain point. You convince yourself that you're in control of your addiction and can stop anytime you want. But it never turns out that way. Funny thing is that you have done this tens, maybe hundreds of times before, each time thinking this is the time you can stop halfway, but it never is. After all, this misplaced belief is what led t the addiction in the first place.
I don't know what makes an addict stop, I think it must be different for every person. What I do know is that there is always a risk of relapse and taking steps to distract yourself from the urges is the first step of minimising the risk. Whether its work, books, chess or music, everyone has their preferred method to try and fight the cloud of darkness off.
Some days are good, some are bad. Sometimes everything is a trigger and sometimes you look back on your struggles and feel grateful for still being alive. And sometimes, just sometimes, you feel hope that maybe addiction can be fought and won.
My name is Spencer Reid and I'm an addict.