Scars
Beckett left therapy feeling strangely invigorated, despite the intense nature of her latest session. Talking with Dr. B. helped. She had at first questioned her decision to continue therapy sessions with him. If Gates only knew what they discussed, she'd probably have benched her by now, declaring her unfit for duty, especially with these latest lapses, not to mention that first case when she froze in front of the armed suspects. But Dr. B. was discreet and seemed to be more concerned with her well-being than with standard protocol. Kate found herself opening up more with him, especially regarding her feelings about her mother... and Castle.
Tonight had been a breakthrough for her; a terrifying, in your face, changes are coming breakthrough.
Beckett couldn't imagine her life without her mother's murder case as the prime focus of her life. Yet, living a life alone with that as her sole focus was no longer palatable. There had been so many losses in the last few months; Royce, Roy; not to mention the dirty bombs, freezers, 3XK, Lockwood... and that didn't even complete the list. The only consistency she had was her time with Castle; her only regret, the secret she was keeping from him – that she heard his words of love as her world was fading to black.
After tonight's session with Dr. B., Kate was finally ready to take some small steps towards their own romantic diving board, to see where it could take them. It would take time but she was feeling surprisingly optimistic about their chances tonight.
She stopped off at the store on her way home, grabbing some groceries and cleaning products. Reaching her floor; she wasn't surprised to find Castle leaning against her door, engrossed in whatever game he was playing while waiting for her. Hesitating for a moment, she took a deep breath and called out a greeting. "Martha and Alexis desert you for the night, Castle?"
Chuckling, Castle put his phone away and straightened up to greet her. "Mother is working overtime getting the repairs completed on her school." He looked to the left and then to the right before continuing in a mock whisper, "I think she's afraid they'll call her loan, despite the weekly dinners she's been sharing with the bank president that she thinks we don't know about. Alexis... well, she's decided she'd rather put in extra credit projects and take extended field trips to heighten her guaranteed chances of getting accepted at a prestigious college, than live off her parental unit," he finished with an exaggerated shudder.
"The nerve", Beckett rolled her eyes at her partner's goofiness. She moved past him to put her key in the lock, hesitating briefly. She turned to face him, somewhat shyly, "Castle, I really need to spend some time tonight doing some cleanup. I sort of imploded in the last few days and haven't had a chance... it's really a mess" she finished, visibly grimacing at the memory.
"I don't mind, Kate. Besides many hands make light work... two hands are better than one... cleanliness is..."
"Will you stop with the cleaning clichés if I let you in?"
Entering the apartment, Castle couldn't help but notice the smell of alcohol and the mess spread across the living room from Beckett's implosion. "You were warned" she stated a bit sheepishly.
"Heck, I've seen worse after one of Mother's impromptu cast parties," Castle chuckled as he stepped around the bits of broken glass and small patches of sticky alcohol puddling on the floor, taking his jacket off and laying it across the clean end of the kitchen counter. Rubbing his hands together, he grabbed the bag of cleaning products away from Beckett, "Where do we start?"
"Castle, you don't have to..." her voice trailing off; Beckett surveyed the mess that had once been her pristine great room, lips tightening into a thin line and visibly cringing at the evidence of her lack of control. "I can't believe I let you see this. This is so mortifying."
"It's not that bad, Kate." At her incredulous look, he continued, shrugging his shoulders, "I was useless ... everything that happened with Travis... this case; your reactions... " He motioned to the trashed contents of the room, "This is easy, this, I can fix."
"Castle." She shook her head slowly, moving towards the kitchen island to unload her bag.
Rick, fearing she would bid him a hasty exit, rushed through his explanation, continuing, "Kate, I couldn't be there for you. I didn't know how to help. Only Esposito seemed to know how to reach you and help you through it." He took the bag of groceries from her arms and placed them on the counter near his jacket, then took her by the shoulders gently, turning her towards her bedroom. "Let me do this. Please. Tell you what. You go shower and do whatever girly things you usually do to relax. I'll take KP duty out here. When you come back out, it'll be all done; complete with your daily Chinese food order, or whatever I can put together from what you've got in these bags."
"Rick."
"Kate, please?" Looking up into his concerned blue eyes, Beckett forgot all the arguments and reasons running through her head on why this was not a good idea, how much of an imposition it was... "I'll be out in a few minutes" she mumbled, as she moved to her room. She turned back to watch as Castle made his way to the refrigerator with her groceries. "Castle? Thanks."
30 minutes later, Kate emerged from her room, dressed in her favorite flannel pants and a long sleeved tee-shirt, her hair wrapped turban style. Looking around at the impeccably cleaned great room, she couldn't resist calling out, "Castle, you missed your calling... you'd make a great Mr. Belvedere."
Looking around for him, she found him kneeling near the living room wall, dropping a shard of glass into the trashcan he had next to him, as he finished wiping the last of the dried dark red stains from the light wood floor. Standing up, he picked up the can and walked over to the kitchen, placing it in its original spot and rinsing the cloth in the sink. Beckett wrapped her arms around her waist protectively and waited as he turned from her, washing and drying his hands carefully, before turning and moving towards her scanning her body deliberately, taking inventory.
"Where?"
"Castle, it's ok".
"I need to see for myself."
"Castle."
"I found blood while I was cleaning up... a lot of blood. Did you have it checked... did you need stitches?"
"I'm fine, Castle."
He shook his head, not accepting her answer.
She sighed then pulled her sleeve up to show the current state of her badly scraped arm. "There was only one spot that was a bit deep…the rest was just scraped a bit. It's fine, really", she mumbled, embarrassed as he carefully approached her, his concentration focused on her injury.
"Let me be the judge of that." He led her to a seat by the kitchen island where he had laid out items from her first aid kit. Bandages, peroxide, neosporin and gauze were neatly lined up. He tucked her hand under his arm as he reached for a gauze pad and the peroxide. Beckett watched as he gently examined and then dabbed at the cuts, then seemingly satisfied that there was no infection to worry over, he moved closer to her, reaching behind her for the ointment.
Beckett looked up at him through her lashes. He was so close she could hear his quiet breathing; she felt the fabric of his shirt as he moved past her, smelled a mixture of his cologne and his essence as he smoothed the neosporin into the faint lines remaining on her arm, frowning and expending a bit more effort on the deepest cut, before reaching again for the bandages; pausing only to smile faintly at her. Hesitant and a bit nervous at their closeness, Beckett decided to inject some humor into the stillness.
"Do I call you Dr. Castle now?"
"I won't even charge you for the housecall," he smiled as he released her hand from where he had imprisoned it, watching as she drew her sleeve down again.
"At least I didn't bleed all over your shoes." At his confused look, she continued, "One of the first things Josh joked about when I was out of surgery... must have been the next day?" She thought a moment, then slightly shook her head, "apparently I ruined his new set of surgical shoes when he reinflated my lung." She shook her head in disbelief at the memory. "I think he was miffed that I bled out over his new Nikes."
Castle didn't know what to reply to that. Kate watched as his jaw clenched and he pressed his lips together tightly, surprised at his great restraint from commenting. "Rick, it's ok. After that and what Dad told me he did when I was in surgery... well, let's just say it wasn't difficult to realize he was not my 'one and done'."
Castle looked as if he would make a comment at that, then pressed his lips together again firmly, apparently thinking better of the effort, dismissing Josh from his mind and Kate's life. He sat across from her on the other kitchen stool and gently lifted her chin up to look at him.
"You ok? Want to talk about this?" He swung his free arm gently around, motioning to the newly cleaned area.
He felt her shake her head, then heard her sigh. "Not really, but I guess we have to?"
"You can't go on like this Kate. You need to talk to someone and I'm here... you can't continue to try and do this alone." He took a deep breath and continued, "You shouldn't have been alone. I should have checked on you last night. I had no idea you were suffering this much." He released his grip on her jaw and cupped her face in his hand. "I'm sorry."
"Castle, you've nothing to be sorry about." She grimaced, placed her hand over the one holding her. She moved slightly to look directly into his eyes. "I lost control, it was awful, but I'm okay now."
"We left you alone, Kate... after everything you've been through; knowing how hard you were taking the case, seeing what it was doing to you... not one of us had the common sense or compassion to come check on you; to make sure you weren't alone, fighting your demons in the dark; alone." He stood up, pacing back and forth in front of the island as he shakily ran his hands through his hair.
"Kate, you've been through so much in the last 10 months. Lord, we've been frozen, we had the dirty bomb, Lockwood, the sniper today," he hesitated briefly before grimly continuing, "Montgomery... the sniper in May... you've lost two mentors – one who was nearly a second father to you; you've been betrayed in the worst ways possible by both... we've been shot at, watched our friends be tortured, a man die in front of us," referring to Ragland.
"Castle, I'm fine." Kate wrapped her arms around herself, hugging herself protectively as she slowly paced her way to the living room window, looking out at it to avoid Castle's intense gaze.
"Kate, no one would be fine with what you've endured this past year... No One." He moved slowly, but deliberately towards her, as she forced herself to turn from the window towards him, forced herself to meet his gaze, not wanting to show the effect his words were having on her.
"Do you ever cry, Kate? Not the stoically pressed lips, with a single tear tracing ever so gracefully down that incredible face of yours, but a full out, nose dripping, snuffling, headache inducing, emotion purging bawling? Do you ever let that iron-willed self-control of yours falter just a little, mourn for what you've lost?" Watching her flinch slightly at his words, he moved in front of her, gently grasping her shoulders as he met her eyes. "I see the pain there in those amazing eyes of yours; I've watched you overcome the physical limitations; I've seen you healing from the physical scar; when will it be time to start healing from the emotional and psychological ones?"
Kate's voice sounded rough, even to her own ears, "Castle... Rick..." her voice continued to waver as it quieted nearly to silence, "if I stop to think about it; if I start crying...bawling..." her voice was barely a whisper, "I don't think I could stop."
"You're killing yourself, Kate." He moved to stand directly in front of her; then carefully encircled her in his arms. "I cried; I cried when I saw the blood on your gloves and realized I was too late; I cried when you flatlined in the ambulance and Lanie was crying out for you not to leave us as she pounded on your chest... I cried when I got back home that night and took off my suit soaked with your blood, when I washed my hands and watched the pink tinged water circling the drain... when I knew you lived; when I lost you for... I thought forever, last summer." He pulled her closer to him, began rubbing her back in small circles as his voice quieted until it too became a whisper. "Trust me, please... let it out."
Kate cringed at the pain she heard in his voice, at the pain she had caused him when she escaped from him over the summer. "I do trust you... more than anyone, but it's not that easy..."
"Heroes cry, Kate, even superheroes like you" -he hugged her to him tightly as he felt her body begin to quake with the effort she was making to hold back-"even angels cry sometimes... come on Angel," he kissed the top of her head, as he felt her tears begin to soak the linen of his shirt, "that's it", as she gave in and cried; for her mother, for Royce, for Montgomery... for herself. Her whole body shook as she let it all out. "Oh baby," he hummed softly "let it out... that's it. It's ok, it's going to be ok now."