Warnings: angst, 2x5
"You can trust me on my own, please, Wufei," I looked at him with pleading eyes, I wanted to feel trusted again.
He looked at me undecidedly. "But Duo... you know how you are... you've hurt yourself before, I'm not supposed to leave you alone, but I have to go, it's important. Won't you come with me?"
"Oh come on... I don't want to come."
Wufei ran a hand down his face, taking a deep breath.
"Wufei, I'm trying my hardest not to feel that way. I'm doing my best to hold back my feelings. Now you go, and take your time. I'll be alright. I want some time alone without you always watching over me."
Wufei sighed. "Alright, I'll go. But only because I really have to. Sure you won't come with me."
"I'll be fine."
Wufei nodded slowly and left the room. I heard the front door slam shut, and he was gone.
Today had been a trying day. Not so much trying... more boring. I had nothing to do all day and it left me feeling rather agitated. I hadn't had thoughts of self-hurt for a couple of weeks now, I was hoping I was getting better, but now everything had come rushing back. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Wufei, but I felt desperate. For me, bleeding everything out was therapy. I didn't do it with the thought of killing myself, but with the intention of calming myself down.
The more I thought about it, the more agitated I became, and I found myself walking to the kitchen. I stood there in the middle of the kitchen, hands covering my face, trying to control my breathing. I walked up to the drawers, and pulled out a knife. I ran my fingers over the blade, itching to run the blade over my skin.
I sat down with the knife, staring at its blade, the very sight of it calming me down. My breathing became less hurried, my heartbeat slowed down slightly. I bared my ankle and ran the knife over my skin, pushing down hard.
Nothing.
"Dammit..." I thought to myself. Now that I had a knife, I needed to see some blood. Wufei had hidden the bigger knives, so I was left with this. I ran it back and forth over my skin savagely, trying to draw blood. I turned my attention from my ankle to my wrist, hot tears of frustration blurring my vision. I was desperate to bleed, I had to do or I would go crazy.
Again and again I ran the knife up and down my wrist, pressing with all my might. After a few seconds of cutting, I pulled up the knife and saw the blood. I breathed a sigh of relief, suddenly calmer, although my heartbeat suddenly got faster. The blood gushed out of my veins and calmed me down.
I walked off, expecting the blood to stop flowing soon, like it always did, but this time the blood kept flowing, I'd never seen so much of my own blood. I walked back to the kitchen, panic rising from within, and wrapped a dishcloth around my wound. I could feel myself getting weaker, more light headed. I lifted the dishcloth to assess the situation and paled at the depth of the cut.
I didn't know what to do. I panicked. I put the dishcloth back on the wound and pressed on it, trying to stop the bleeding, but the blood just soaked through.
"Oh no... no no no... no..." was all I could think. The blood was dripping off my fingers, the floor was now turning red. My sight was blurring even further and I had no idea what to do to help myself. I lay on the couch, curled up into a ball and lay there shaking, wishing for Wufei to get home.
"He'll be home soon, he'll be home soon..." I repeated to myself, but 15 minutes passed and he still hadn't appeared. I was going to die.
Suddenly I heard the key turning in the front door. He was home. He walked to the kitchen and saw me lying on the couch, covered in my own blood.
"Duo?! Duo... what have you done?"
I couldn't move to look at him, my head was too heavy, I was too weak. I tried to talk. "I tried... I've been... trying."
"Duo... why did you do this?"
"I don't want... to leave you with this guilt..."
"Duo, I'm calling an ambulance. Stay there and don't panic."
Wufei rushed to the phone but I kept telling myself it was too late. Wufei made the phone call then came to my side again, kissing me on the forehead as I lay there.
"I tried my best."
"Duo..."
"I really did." And that was my last breath.
"You can trust me on my own, please, Wufei," I looked at him with pleading eyes, I wanted to feel trusted again.
He looked at me undecidedly. "But Duo... you know how you are... you've hurt yourself before, I'm not supposed to leave you alone, but I have to go, it's important. Won't you come with me?"
"Oh come on... I don't want to come."
Wufei ran a hand down his face, taking a deep breath.
"Wufei, I'm trying my hardest not to feel that way. I'm doing my best to hold back my feelings. Now you go, and take your time. I'll be alright. I want some time alone without you always watching over me."
Wufei sighed. "Alright, I'll go. But only because I really have to. Sure you won't come with me."
"I'll be fine."
Wufei nodded slowly and left the room. I heard the front door slam shut, and he was gone.
Today had been a trying day. Not so much trying... more boring. I had nothing to do all day and it left me feeling rather agitated. I hadn't had thoughts of self-hurt for a couple of weeks now, I was hoping I was getting better, but now everything had come rushing back. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Wufei, but I felt desperate. For me, bleeding everything out was therapy. I didn't do it with the thought of killing myself, but with the intention of calming myself down.
The more I thought about it, the more agitated I became, and I found myself walking to the kitchen. I stood there in the middle of the kitchen, hands covering my face, trying to control my breathing. I walked up to the drawers, and pulled out a knife. I ran my fingers over the blade, itching to run the blade over my skin.
I sat down with the knife, staring at its blade, the very sight of it calming me down. My breathing became less hurried, my heartbeat slowed down slightly. I bared my ankle and ran the knife over my skin, pushing down hard.
Nothing.
"Dammit..." I thought to myself. Now that I had a knife, I needed to see some blood. Wufei had hidden the bigger knives, so I was left with this. I ran it back and forth over my skin savagely, trying to draw blood. I turned my attention from my ankle to my wrist, hot tears of frustration blurring my vision. I was desperate to bleed, I had to do or I would go crazy.
Again and again I ran the knife up and down my wrist, pressing with all my might. After a few seconds of cutting, I pulled up the knife and saw the blood. I breathed a sigh of relief, suddenly calmer, although my heartbeat suddenly got faster. The blood gushed out of my veins and calmed me down.
I walked off, expecting the blood to stop flowing soon, like it always did, but this time the blood kept flowing, I'd never seen so much of my own blood. I walked back to the kitchen, panic rising from within, and wrapped a dishcloth around my wound. I could feel myself getting weaker, more light headed. I lifted the dishcloth to assess the situation and paled at the depth of the cut.
I didn't know what to do. I panicked. I put the dishcloth back on the wound and pressed on it, trying to stop the bleeding, but the blood just soaked through.
"Oh no... no no no... no..." was all I could think. The blood was dripping off my fingers, the floor was now turning red. My sight was blurring even further and I had no idea what to do to help myself. I lay on the couch, curled up into a ball and lay there shaking, wishing for Wufei to get home.
"He'll be home soon, he'll be home soon..." I repeated to myself, but 15 minutes passed and he still hadn't appeared. I was going to die.
Suddenly I heard the key turning in the front door. He was home. He walked to the kitchen and saw me lying on the couch, covered in my own blood.
"Duo?! Duo... what have you done?"
I couldn't move to look at him, my head was too heavy, I was too weak. I tried to talk. "I tried... I've been... trying."
"Duo... why did you do this?"
"I don't want... to leave you with this guilt..."
"Duo, I'm calling an ambulance. Stay there and don't panic."
Wufei rushed to the phone but I kept telling myself it was too late. Wufei made the phone call then came to my side again, kissing me on the forehead as I lay there.
"I tried my best."
"Duo..."
"I really did." And that was my last breath.