Swing Kids, a how i met your mother fanfic

For this story, I don't have a lot to say... It's perhaps a touch more "adult" than some of the previous stuff I've posted, but nothing extreme.

I began writing this after 503, and since I haven't seen any episodes past 504 (and I try my hardest to avoid all spoilers for episodes 505 and onward) this story is based solely on the stuff that happens up until 504. Set about a year into the future though.

The stuff in italics is FutureTed's narration.

In the fall of 2010 the company Barney and Marshall worked for were having a big celebration. Exactly what they were celebrating no one seemed to know, but there was a big party and everyone on the payroll was invited. Significant others were also invited, so Barney set me up with a girl from Human Resources so that everybody in our group could go. I was a little skeptic at first, given the kind of women your Uncle Barney had set me up with in the past, but Trish turned out to be really nice. It was shaping up to be a pretty nice evening.

The party

"So what exactly are we celebrating again?" Lily asked, grabbing a glass of champagne from a passing-by waiter with a trey.

"I don't know, they won't tell us anything" Marshall said. "But hey, free food and alcohol."

"Do you know what the celebration is all about?" Ted asked Trish.

"Please, I work in Human Resources" she said. "I barely know what the letters in the company title stand for."

"There's a food chain of knowledge" Marshall explained. "And for some reason I'm not quite sure of, Human Resources ranks below the custodial staff."

"Is this party awesome or what?" Barney asked, coming up to them with a big grin and Robin on his arm. "And they said we couldn't have a rockin' fiesta without strippers and a water slide. Joke's on them, huh?"

"It was you who said we couldn't have a rockin' fiesta without strippers and a water slide" Marshall reminded him.

"Marshall! Not in front of..." Barney said through gritted teeth and nodded towards Robin.

"A waterslide would have been awesome" Ted said dreamingly.

"Barney what are we celebrating?" Lily asked.

"Don't know, wasn't paying attention" Barney said. "But I think it had something to do with disarming of biological weapons. Or something about a record profit. Who cares, there's free food and drink, and I hear there's going to be a llama at some point!"

"There's also a baby right over there" Ted said and pointed over to a corner of the room where a woman was sitting next to a stroller. "Which makes this the strangest company party I have ever been to. With or without the llama."

"Your work places must have the most boring parties ever" Barney decided, and the nodded towards the baby. "That's the little guy who will one day inherit this company. The family takes business very seriously; the fact that you haven't gotten teeth yet is considered a pretty lame excuse to not show up at official events."

"There's a family?" Marshall and Trish asked in unison.

"Is this a company or a small kingdom?" Lily asked.

"Small?" Barney echoed.

"I never realized just how large this company is" Marshall said, looking around with astonishment. "I've never even seen most of these people before."

"Probably because you don't even work in the same building as most of them" Barney pointed out. "The world does not consist merely of our tiny little office building, you know."

"Honey we should mingle," Lily said, "take the opportunity to get acquainted with some of these people. It's always good to make a good impression with lots of different people, it might help your career in the future."

"Then might I suggest keeping your mouth shut and not doing anything you-ish" Barney said. "If you start talking to them you're bound to act like yourselves at some point and just ruin it. Silence is golden!"

Lily shot him a look and went off with Marshall to mingle.

"So, who's up for alcohol?" Barney asked the others.

The evening progressed pretty nicely. Marshall and Lily did their best to make small talk with every single person present at the party. And they were positively surprised with how friendly people were being.

"I love this company!" Lily chirped, coming over to the others with Marshall in tow. "People are so nice. And not just the drunk ones. Marshall and I were just talking to this couple over there, and they invited us to come with them to a pub later tonight. Isn't that awesome?"

"Which couple?" Barney asked.

"Over there" Lily said and pointed.

"Not Dean Gunderson from Book-Keeping and Lisa Smith from Accounting?"

"Yeah, why?" Marshall asked.

"We like to call them Dream-Dean and Lovely-Lisa" Lily said.

"And what was the name of the club?" Barney asked.

"The Green Light" Lily said.

"Awesome" Barney said with a chuckle.

"Isn't it?" Lily agreed.

"Is it ever! You've just been invited to a swing club. And not the lame music-related type, the awesome type."

"What?" Marshall said. "No way."

"Oh trust me, my friend" Barney said. "Dean and Lisa are swingers, The Green Light is not your ordinary pub, and you guys have just been picked up."

"That's awful" Lily decided.

"No it's not. It's awesome. You should feel flattered, they don't go for just anybody" Barney said and raised his hand for a high-five "Swing heil!"

"How do you know about The Green Light?" Robin asked him. "I've never heard of it before."

"Trust me, that's not a thread you want to be pulling on" Barney said.

"This company sucks" Lily snarled and stormed off to the bar with Robin in tow.

"I never knew there were so many weird people working here" Trish said.

"You work in the same building as Fantasy Guy and you think those people are weird?" Ted had to ask.

"There's a Fantasy Guy?" Trish said.

"They really should let the people in Human Resources out more" Marshall said.

"Hey, you know what, we should go check out that llama" Ted said to Trish. "Rumor has it that it's on its way up. Via the elevator. This company is so much cooler than the university."

"Just be careful" Marshall said. "Llamas can be even more scary than goats. And they spit!"

Ted shot him an angry look and walked off with Trish.

"So at what time will you guys be heading off with... what was it again... Dreamy Dean and Lovely Lisa?" Barney asked. "Just so you know, those aren't the nicknames they've been given at The Green Light."

"Stop enjoying this" Marshall said. "It's not funny."

"You're right, it's not funny. It's nothing short of astounding, actually. Who would have thought someone would want to pick up you and Lily?"

"Could we just drop it and go watch the damn llama?" Marshall sighed.

"I'm not going near the thing. I don't want any llama spit on my suit."

"Then can we at least change the subject" Marshall sighed, with little hope of getting his wish granted.

Barney shrugged his shoulders and grabbed another glass of champagne from a waiter. Marshall grabbed a crab cake from another waiter and began to device plans in his mind for how to get out of going out with Dean and Lisa. Meanwhile, over by the bar, Lily was trying to drown her sorrows in a martini.

"I can't believe another couple just tried to hook up with you and Marshall" Robin said.

"I know" Lily agreed, finishing her drink. "Normally I would be flattered if someone wanted to pick me up, but the idea that people would think we were into that sort of thing... And trust Barney to think it's cool."

"He's not a very complicated man when it comes to things like that" Robin said. "He mostly thinks everything is cool, except the weird sex tips they sometimes have in Cosmo."

"It creeps me out that nothing seems to strike him as disturbing" Lily said.

"Oh that's not true" Robin said. "Observe."

She walked over to Barney and took his arm.

"Hey" he said. "Having a good time?"

"I am" she confirmed. "Come on sweetie, I want to meet some of the people you're working with, let's go mingle. Oh, and I want to meet the Family!"

She walked with him over to the woman sitting by the stroller. Lily followed and watched as Robin leaned over the baby and cooed it.

"Awww, he's adorable" she told the mother.

"Thank you."

"Can I have one?" Robin said to Barney.

Barney looked about ready to faint and began stuttering something unintelligible. Robin turned to Lily and made a 'see?' face. Barney turned and hurried off in a different direction, looking as if he'd seen a ghost.

"Is he going to be okay?" Lily asked.

"It will wear off in five to ten minutes" Robin said.

"That was awesome" Lily grinned.

About an hour later Trish and I were still waiting to see if the llama would emerge from one of the elevators. We would keep waiting for an additional hour and a half before finally giving up. While we were gone we missed one of the most interesting events of the night. At least according to Uncle Marshall.

"We're going to the ladies' room" Lily said and walked off with Robin.

"Why do women always do that in pairs?" Marshall wondered.

"Because Marshall, women find comfort in doing things together" Barney said. "Which is why I'm sure Lily will find it very comforting to know that you're going to The Green Light together with another couple. Your first time swinging can be a bit nervous, so it helps to be in the company of people you know. Sort of know, anyway."

"Seriously give it a rest" Marshall said. "Dean's been winking at me from across the room for the past twenty minutes. I'm really starting to detest my parents for giving me genes that makes it impossible to hide behind one of those palm trees."

"Marshall why are you so bent out of shape over this?" Barney asked. "If you ask me, you and Lily could use some spicing up of the old sex life."

"Our sex life is just fine."

"It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing."

"God, Barney, you're so depraved" Marshall said. "I thought you would mellow over the years but you just keep getting more and more disturbed. You probably couldn't go even thirty--"

"I accept that challenge!" Barney said.

"... Days without having any form of sex" Marshall finished his sentence.

"What?"

"That wasn't a..." Marshall began, then grinned. "That was a challenge. And you've accepted it. Have a fun thirty days, bro. This, this is going to be awesome. No, this is going to be legendary! Oh I can't wait to tell Ted about this."

"What are you trying to do to me?" Barney asked. "This is the worst thing any bro has ever done to another bro! Shame on you."

"I think it will be good for you" Marshall said.

"That's just because you have to tell yourself that not getting laid builds character because you so often find yourself not getting laid for long periods of time" Barney said. "But at least I can take some solice in the knowledge that while I'm..." He swallowed hard. "I'm not getting any for a month... you will at least be getting enough for two. Swing style. Oh what up?"

Marshall gave him a look that could kill and ignored the hand Barney had raised for a high-five. Then he smiled.

"Oh, have fun telling Robin about the challenge you accepted" he said.

"She might kick your ass for it, I hope you realize that" Barney said. Then he looked nervous. "I really hope she'll kick your ass and not mine."

"Here she comes" Marshall said and nodded to the women who were coming back from the bathroom.

"Hey guys" Robin said.

"Have you been good?" Lily asked.

"Robin I have done something terrible" Barney said with a trembling voice. "Hold me" he quivered and leaned his head against her chest as she put her arms around him. "No don't hold me!" he then said and took a step back from her.

"Okay what did you drink, smoke or lick?" she asked with a sigh.

"Marshall is the Devil."

"Seriously, what's going on?"

"He tricked me! He made me accept a challenge that is so inhumane, so ugly..."

"Barney's going to stay away from sex for thirty days" Marshall explained with a grin.

"What?" Lily said.

"Yup. We're talking a complete sex embargo for a whole month."

"I feel like I just won the lottery" Lily said with a huge grin. "This is going to be the best month of all time! I can already see the scrap book."

"I feel like my whole life is flashing before my eyes" Barney whimpered. "It's only been seven minutes and already I feel desperate enough to do just about anybody in this room. Actually the only one I'm not considering is the baby."

"Wait, I didn't agree to that" Robin objected. "I'm in this relationship, the only one who gets to decide when we have a dry spell is me."

"Ha!" Barney said triumphantly. "In your face, Marshall. See, Robin here has just proven that she is awesome by using the relationship whip to do good."

"Sorry Robin, there's nothing I can do" Marshall said. "The challenge has been accepted, bro to bro, and there's no backing out."

"Fine" Robin sighed. "But I don't like it."

"I hate you" Barney snarled at Marshall.

"And just so we're clear, I made no agreement here, so when I want sex, I'm gonna try and get it" Robin continued.

"You're not helping" Barney told her.

"Oh Robin I love this!" Lily said, all giddy. "You not playing along is going to make this challenge even more fun to watch!"

"You are all very sick people" Barney said with disgust and walked off.

Robin's bedroom

That night Barney was already in bed when Robin came in from the bathroom. She took her robe off and Barney sat up.

"Whoa, whoa, not good" he said.

"What's not good?"

"That... that thing you're wearing."

"What, my t-shirt? It's what I sleep in."

"Yeah, we're going to have to make some significant changes to your nighttime attire until this unholy trial is over."

"You've never found this t-shirt sexy in the past" she pointed out and sat down on the bed to brush her hair. "In fact, I don't think I've ever wore it to bed for more than ten minutes before you've had me take it off."

"And you think me urging you to get naked means I'm turned off?" he asked, jumping out of bed. "I took the liberty of going through your closet while you were in the bathroom. I found something better for you to wear for the duration of the month."

She stared in disbelief as he held up a thick, yellow snow suit she had used to wear when she went out skiing on really cold days back in Canada. It was anything but sexy, and it was definitely not something she was going to wear to bed.

"Are you kidding me?" she said. "I'm not wearing that! I would die of a heat stroke after less than an hour."

"And if you don't, I'm going to die of horny stroke after about five minutes" he said. "You know, if you really loved me you would wear it for me."

"And if you really loved me, you would wear it."

"I tried that but I couldn't fit into it" he confessed.

She didn't bother to comment. She put her hairbrush away and got into bed, wondering who would go crazy first, she or Barney.

"Okay, maybe if we just put it in-between us, so there can be no bodily contact" he suggested.

"How about you go sleep on the couch and stop annoying me?"

"Fine" he said and left the room. "Marshall Eriksen, you are going to pay a very high price for this..." he muttered under his breath. "And unlucky for you, I've got a whole month of not doing anything worthwhile to figure out the perfect retaliation."

While Barney's night hadn't gone so well, mine, like Marshall and Lily's, had gone great. Trish and I had a wonderful time together and we both agreed we would go out again. The only problem was, she forgot to give me her phone number and I didn't know her address. So on Monday I went to her office building to try and find her there.

Marshall's office, Day 2

Marshall looked up when Ted stuck his head in through the door.

"Busy?" Ted asked.

"Not really. Come on in."

"I don't really have time to stay and chat; I just wanted some quick help" Ted said. "I've been trying to find Trish's office to ask her out on a second date, but I can't seem to find Human Resources anywhere. I've asked around but people just keep laughing and saying 'please'."

"I wish I could help you out dude, but I don't know where Human Resources have their offices" Marshall said.

"How can you not know where Human Resources are?" Ted asked with disbelief. "You must have dealt with them when you got hired."

"I did all that stuff through Barney, I never had to set foot on their floor" Marshall said. "But we can go ask him. He knows where they are."

But of course it wouldn't be that simple.

Barney's office

"You want me to help you find Human Resources?" Barney echoed. "If you're looking for a job here it would be easier to go through me."

"I'm not looking for a job, I'm looking for Trish."

"Who?"

"The girl I went with to the party" Ted reminded him. "You set me up with her."

"Oh, right, her. Why do you need to go to her office?"

"Because I don't have her phone number and I don't have her address and I want to take her out again" Ted said.

"Why?"

"Because I liked her."

"So you want me to help you find this girl?" Barney said. "Yeah, I won't help you."

"What? Why not?"

"Because if you find her then you are going to go on another date with her, and that means a third date with her, and that means you're going to get laid, because she didn't earn the nickname Hat-Trish for her love of headwear or soccer. And if I can't have sex this month I'm not going to help someone else get laid either!" Barney said.

He pointed over to a large calendar on the wall, showing a month called Tortuary, which had 30 days. Two had been crossed over.

"In 28 days I will help you find her" Barney said. "Not a moment sooner. If I'm going to suffer then you all are going to suffer with me."

"Fine, I'll find her myself" Ted said.

"Yeah" Barney scoffed. "Good luck with that."

"This building isn't that huge" Ted said. "It might take me a while, I'll give you that, but it will take me a lot less than 28 days."

"I'm willing to bet $300 that you can't find her before the end of Tortuary" Barney said.

"Careful Barney" Marshall teased. "You remember what happened the last time you wagered anything? Judging by the fact that you stole Toy Guys Terminator underpants I'd say you're struggling with it."

"You have no proof that was me" Barney said.

"You came in to my office and showcased your theft."

"Terminator underpants?" Ted said.

"Toy Guy has got a life-sized Terminator doll in his office, complete with metal clothes that apparently include underwear" Marshall explained. "Or included."

"Fine, no bet then," Barney said, "but you will see Ted. You will be sharing in this frustration with me, even if you were to quit your job and spend all your time searching for this Trish girl. You're never going to find her without my help. This building is like a labyrinth. There are rescue teams out searching for the last guy who ventured in here without knowing where he was going, and to be honest we're all getting a little bit concerned since nobody has seen the rescue team for about a year now."

"Stop trying to scare me Barney" Ted laughed. "Come on. How hard can it be to find a department?"

Of course I would have to eat those words. But more on that later. Over the next couple of weeks, Barney worked very hard to keep his mind off the challenge. It didn't help him much that Marshall was working just as hard to remind him of it again.

Ted and Robin's apartment, Day 10

"Seriously Barney" Robin said, sitting on the couch. "Enough with the sit-ups and push-ups in the morning. Don't make me watch you work out when I can't reap the benefits of it. If you necessarily have to work out, at least go out running, where I can't see you."

"Yeah, and what's with the insane chewing of gum?" Ted asked. "It's like everywhere I go there's juicy-fruit packs lying around. And if you have to keep throwing that ball against the wall every night, do you mind not aiming it at my door?"

"Well aren't you the support system from hell?" Barney said.

"Hey, all you have to do if you want to have sex is to admit you couldn't win the challenge" Ted said.

Barney just made a face at him as Lily and Marshall came in through the door.

"Hey guys" Lily said.

"We picked us up a couple of movies on the way over; what do you say we have a movie night tonight?" Marshall said.

"Sounds like fun" Ted agreed. "What did you get?"

"Marshall wanted to get some older movies" Lily said.

"Which ones?" Barney asked

"Oh, just Dangerous Liaisons, Nine and a Half Weeks and Wild Things" Marshall said with a grin on his face.

"I will make you pay" Barney said through gritted teeth.

"Next week we'll be watching Basic Instinct and Sliver."

"Oh and Robin, we picked up that thing you asked for" Lily said.

"What thing?" Ted asked.

"Batteries" Robin said without meeting his eyes.

Lily tossed the batteries to Robin as Marshall's cell-phone rang. He fished it out of his pocket and answered it, instantly looking uncomfortable.

"Oh hi. Yeah, no... Uhm, well, yes you see... We can't tonight."

"Is it them?" Lily whispered and got a nod for an answer.

"Them who?" Ted wondered.

"Yeah, I know, but we have plans already" Marshall said on the phone. "So, you know, we can't. Actually I have to go, like, right now. Okay, bye Dean."

"Dean? Dreamlover Dean?" Barney asked, then he laughed. "Awesome! You guys are their booty call!"

"We most certainly are not!" Lily said forcefully. "We haven't gone to that icky club with them; we haven't gone anywhere with them."

"But you could probably go to sweet heaven with them if you just give them a chance" Barney grinned.

"You're disgusting" Lily growled.

"I don't even know how they got my cell number!" Marshall said.

"Neither do I, since you can't even find Human Resources at your stupid office building, let alone someone's phone number" Ted said.

"Still haven't found that girl yet?" Robin asked.

"No."

"What's even more strange is how they got my cell number" Lily said.

"It is very strange" Barney nodded.

"You gave it to them" Marshall sighed.

"I might have" Barney said. "But I will plead temporary insanity, due to not getting to have sex for a whole frickin eternity!"

"It's been ten days" Lily pointed out.

"How is that not an eternity?."

"You know what?" Marshall said. "It's worth it. I can just tell them straight up that we're not into swinging."

"That's cheating" Barney objected.

"You are both idiots" Robin said. "Thanks to the two of you, all five of us are having a terrible month. Barney and me with the stupid challenge, Marshall and Lily with the swinger stalkers and Ted with his amazing inability to find what ought to be the easiest department to find in the whole damn building."

"You would think so" Ted agreed. "But I swear, it's like finding the Holy Grail or the location of Atlantis. Barney can't you just help me out?"

"Never!" Barney hissed. "Until this hell of a month is over, I am not being anybody's wingman."

"I'm not asking you to be my wingman; I'm asking you to help me get in touch with a girl I've already been on a date with."

"I will not help others get what I myself must refrain from."

"God you're so noble" Robin said sarcastically.

"And speaking of nobility..." Marshall said and waved one of the movies in front of Barney. "Come on, I want to see you squirm."

With a sigh Barney got up to get an icepack from the freezer while the others settled in on the couch to watch one of the movies Marshall had rented.

I kept coming to Marshall and Barney's office building every day, searching for Human Resources. But it really was as good as impossible to find. By now I had been to every floor, but several of them I couldn't get into. I had dismissed them because I figured Human Resources would be easy to access. But after more than a week of searching I realized it had to be on one of those floors. So I called in reinforcements.

Barney's office, Day 13

Barney looked up from the report he was working on when his cell phone rang. He fished out his cell phone from his pocket and leaned back in his chair.

"Go for Barney."

"Barney, it's me!" Ted said on the other end. "Listen I'm down on the third floor and I can't get in. There's some form of stupid lock."

"Third floor of this building?" Barney said. "What on earth are you doing there?"

"Looking for Trish."

"Who?"

"The woman from Human Resources that you set me up with for that party."

"Who?"

"Barney!"

"You're still searching for her? Give it up man, move on to greener pastures."

"Oh no" Ted said. "I am determined to find her. The building has challenged me."

"Lamest challenge ever" Barney said.

"Oh yeah? How's Tortuary coming along?"

"That was a low blow, dude."

"Look, you wouldn't happen to know how to get access to the third floor, would you? You need to enter a four digit code to get the door open."

"I can't just let you run in and out of secret departments" Barney pointed out. "That's insane. If you stumble across something you're not supposed to see, and there is a lot of stuff that you are not meant to see, we might have to silence you. Do you realize how much paper work that would generate?"

"Well can't you just tell me then which floor I should be searching on?"

"That's making it far too easy" Barney scoffed.

"Come on dude" Ted said.

"The code is 2764" Barney told him. "Happy hunting. Oh and if you do stumble across anything secretive, come straight to my office and I'll get started on getting you a fake passport and a one-way trip to Uruguay."

"Thanks" Ted said dryly and hung up the phone.

He took a deep breath, crossed his fingers and punched in the four digit code.

Ted and Robin's apartment

When Ted got home from work he found Robin doing crossword puzzles in the armchair and Barney doing some form of yoga on the floor. Ted momentarily forgot what he had been about to say and stared at the sight of a man in a suit trying to do yoga.

"Yoga?" he said.

"Some dumbass said it helps you relax and take your mind off things" Barney said. "That dumbass was a moron. All I've gotten out of this so far is the realization that I'm not as agile as I used to be, and that yoga does not make the horny go away."

Ted shook his head to get his mind back on what he had been about to say.

"You could have told me that I needed more than a four digit code to get access to that floor" he said, picking up a medicine ball that was lying on the floor and throwing it at Barney.

"I wanted to give you the impression that I was helping you" Barney said and gave up on the yoga. "Besides, you weren't on the right floor anyway. Floor three is where we keep the archives of... well, I can't tell you."

"A four digit code to access archives?" Robin said. "Who the hell even wants to access archives? They're dusty, confusing and smell like mold."

"Well like I said, a four digit code was not enough" Ted said. "There was a damn retina scan. And they required a thumb print."

"Thumb prints only for 97%" Barney said. "Yours truly can get through with just the retina scan. And FYI, archives are not moldy, they are in fact quite nice. And the big shelves work fine to have sex up against, and damn you Ted now my mind's back on sex."

"Who the hell demands thumb prints and retina scans to access a damn archive?" Ted demanded to know.

"What do you care? That... person you're looking for doesn't work on that floor."

"Trish, her name is Trish."

"Alright, alright."

"Hey you said 97% need a thumb print in addition to the scan, does that mean Marshall can get access to that floor with a thumb print?"

"No. 97% of the people who have access. Marshall is, like, a drone. He'll never get access to cool stuff like the archives, or the custodial floor."

"There's a custodial floor?" Robin said.

"I haven't found a custodial floor" Ted objected.

"It's on floor 14" Barney said.

"Floor 14? Another one of the floors that require four digits to get access?"

"Four digits and a retina scan, yes."

"Your company/kingdom is insane" Ted sighed and went into his room.

And so it went on. There were numerous floors that required all sorts of things for you to get access to them. Uncle Marshall didn't have access and Uncle Barney refused to cooperate, so after a while I was down to sitting on the entry level floor, waiting for Trish to pass by on her way home from work. Unfortunately I didn't know her office hours. I was really having problems finding her. At least I wasn't the only one with problems.

McLaren's, Day 15

Marshall, Robin and Lily were unwinding after work. Marshall's phone rang and after a quick look at the display he groaned.

"The swingers?" Robin asked.

"This is getting to be such a pain in the ass" Marshall said.

"Why don't you just tell them you're not interested, like you said you were going to do" Robin said and took a sip from her beer.

"It just feels a bit presumptuous" Marshall said. "We don't know for sure that they want to hook up with us."

"They're being pretty aggressive for people who are just looking to be friends" Robin pointed out.

"You're right, we should tell them" Lily sighed. "I just don't know what to say."

"Tell them that you're not into swinging" Robin said. "Tell them that you're more... jungle gym people. It can't be that difficult."

"But what if we break their hearts?" Lily said.

"Okay, tell you what" Robin said. "I'm having lunch tomorrow with Barney and some people from his job. He mentioned that Dean is going to be there. Why don't I just tell him casually about my friends who are totally not swingers, and the swinger couple too dense to take a hint."

"Wow, that's a real coward's way out" Marshall said. "I love it. That would be awesome Robin, thanks."

"You should be glad I'm helping you" Robin said. "Thanks to you I'm spending this month on a sex diet, and I don't even like to go on food diets. I tried Atkins for a week and it was miserable. This is like a whole month of Atkins, only there's no meat on the menu either. It's a month of miserable sexual vegan Atkins."

"Well to be fair, no one's said you have to honor the challenge" Lily pointed out.

"Yeah but I sort of need Barney in order to have real sex, unless you're promoting cheating all of a sudden."

"You know what you should do?" Marshall said with a grin. "You should seduce Barney. And if you do it at his place, use the video camera so we can all watch him squirm."

"Okay, first of all, stop thinking this is so damn funny" Robin said. "Second of all... Okay I don't have a second of all."

"If you want sex, I say go for it" Lily said.

"I know, but at the same time I feel bad making this super lame challenge even harder for him than it already is."

"I bet harder is a good way of describing it" Marshall giggled.

"Grow up" Robin groaned.

"Look, this challenge is stupid" Lily said. "And if you don't like it then don't play along with it. We all know Barney will thank you if you put him out of his misery."

"Yeah" Robin nodded. "You know what? I'm going to do it. I'm done, fed-up with this whole moronic challenge. Tomorrow is Saturday, we're both off work, and I am going to make sure that man works hard in the bedroom."

"Hard" Marshall giggled.

"Seriously" Robin groaned.

"You know what would be totally awesome?" Marshall said.

"Nothing that has come out of your mouth in the past month has been awesome" Robin said with a grumpy tone.

"If you spike his drink with Viagra."

"And your streak continues" Robin said, got up and left.

Barney's bedroom, Day 16

Shivering after his morning shower, which was taken alone and in cold water these days, Barney went inside his bedroom to get dressed. He nearly dropped his towel when he spotted Robin, who was lying on the bed wearing a negligee, holding a tray with strawberries and whipped cream. She dipped a finger in the cream and licked it off herself with a seductive smile.

"Robin what are you trying to do to me?" he exclaimed.

"Breakfast" she smiled.

"Damn it woman, you're supposed to help me. Alright, just tell me how much Marshall is paying you and I'll pay you double."

"What?" she said innocently. "It's just breakfast. Come on. You have to eat breakfast. Come here and have a strawberry."

Skeptically he moved closer, approaching her with caution, as if she was a dangerous animal. He stopped as far away from her as possible and stretched out his hand to grab a strawberry. She pulled the tray away from him and waved her finger in a no-no.

"I'll give you some of these sweets when you give me some sugar" she said.

"Human rights violation!" he whimpered and retreated to a corner of the room. "What are you, the Jack Bauer of sex?"

"You're right, I've been a bad girl. You might need to punish me."

"I hate you" Barney growled.

Robin sighed, put the tray down and sat up on the bed. She was more than a little bit tired of this by now.

"Barney come on, just forget about that stupid non-challenge already" she said, dropping the seductive act for a moment. "I'm sick of it, and I want to move this relationship away from G and back into R where it belongs. You keep bragging about your libido; if you're not going to give it to me for a whole month then that's just false advertising. Marshall wasn't actually challenging you, and even if he was, what exactly are you winning? Just... be a man, drop the towel and get over here. I'm your girlfriend and I have veto over anything you decide that is sex related."

"No!" he said. "Barney Stinson does not walk away from a challenge and he does not yield to simple tricks like this. I will prove to Marshall that I can go thirty days without sex, even if it kills me! It might also kill him, but I can live with that."

"I won't tell anyone" Robin said seductively.

"Oh you won't have to" Barney said dramatically. "He will know. He will know, and I will have lost! Now if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere to be."

"Where?"

"The shower."

"You just came from the shower."

"It wasn't effective enough."

"Well then I'll join you."

"Are you insane? Maybe I should just book a flight to Alaska and find a hole in the ice to bathe in. I'll be back in two weeks."

He hurried off to jump in the shower again and Robin fell back on the bed with a frustrated groan. She looked over at the strawberries and cream and started eating as comfort food.

McLaren's, Day 20

"Where the hell is Human Resources?" Ted exclaimed with frustration and banged both his fists on the table.

Marshall, Lily and Robin shared a look.

"Still haven't found her, huh?" Lily said.

"No. And I must have checked everywhere. It can't be on one of those stupid floors where you need entry codes and retina scans and God knows what. It's got to be someplace that has easy access, but where?"

"Ted, have you stopped for a moment to consider that maybe Barney's just jerking you around?" Lily said. "There may not be a specific floor for Human Resources. They might just have a cubicle or something, judging by what I hear about the department from Marshall."

"I considered that, but I spent days checking every single cubicle, office and conference room on the floors I can access" Ted said. "I also spent a lot of time being chased down hallways by security guards."

"Don't you think it might be time to give up?" Robin said. "You had one date with this girl, it's been almost three weeks, she's not going to expect you to show up."

"But what if she's the one?" Ted said. "Am I going to let her slip away from me without even finding out if she could be the one for me, just because she works at a department that's obviously located in a different dimension?"

"What makes you think she could be the one?" Lily asked. "Just because you almost saw a llama together it doesn't mean you're soulmates."

"I liked her. And I would like to see her again and see if there can be something more there. And I would love it if I could find her before Barney's challenge is up, so that I can rub it in his face that I got laid and he didn't."

"Another noble soul" Robin remarked.

Barney came over and sat down on the chair.

"Sorry I'm late" he said. "I was surfing YouTube for clips of old people and sewage and stuff like that, hoping it would leave me disgusted enough not to want to have sex for a while."

"So how did it go?" Ted asked.

"Not as well as you might think" Barney said. "Turns out there really are only a few things that would completely take away my urge."

"What could you possibly associate old people and sewage with to stay horny?" Lily asked, disgusted. "And please don't give me a graphic answer."

"Let's just say I've tried more than my share of stuff" Barney said.

"And you can stop right there" Robin said.

"I'd like to think of myself as the Sextalgia Critic. I experience it so you don't have to."

"You are a perfect example of why cloning should be banned for all time" Lily said.

"When this is all over, I swear I am going to make you pay Marshall" Barney said. "If I'm still alive by then. Ten more days, this is excruciating!"

"It couldn't possibly be any worse than having to hear you whine about it every minute of every day" Ted said. "Can't you try to do something to take your mind off it?"

"You don't think I've tried that?"

"No, knowing you you've done nothing but think about it from the second you accepted the challenge" Ted said.

"Oh believe me Ted, I have tried to think of other things. It's not working, not even a little bit. It's like I'm John Connor and sex is the T1000. And good old Marshall is that annoying psychiatrist everybody wishes death and athlete's foot upon. I'm even having dreams about how torturous this whole ordeal is."

"That bad, huh?" Lilly said with a grin.

"I can't even begin to describe it."

Barney's bedroom

Barney tossed and turned back and forth, chewing on a piece of wood to help get rid of some of the frustration. Finally he sat up and threw the piece of wood aside.

"I can't take this anymore!" he complained.

"Then surrender" Lily said, sitting up in bed next to him, wearing a sexy negligee and a seductive smile. "It would be so nice... Come on, you know you want to..."

Barney gulped.

"This... this isn't appropriate... Although it would be a nice revenge on Marshall if I lost the challenge by boning his wife."

"Oh, no..." Marshall said seductively, sitting up on the other side of Barney in the bed, seemingly wearing nothing. "You wouldn't be sleeping just with Lily..." He gently let a finger stroke Barney's shoulder. "You know you want to..."

"No, and I can't, leave me alone!" Barney cried.

"Don't leave me out of the picture" Ted said in a sensual tone, sitting up on the other side of Lily, also apparently naked. "I think the four of us could have a really good time together. We could all bond... It-style."

"That... was one of the most disgusting parts of the book" Barney objected. He looked over at the foot of the bed. "How come you're not wearing anything sexy?"

Robin, sitting opposite him on the bed wearing her yellow overalls, shrugged her shoulders and then crossed her arms over her chest.

"I think I'm over sex" she said.

"I've been in a relationship for too long!" Barney said with a tremble in his voice. "And who the hell is that chick?"

"I'm Trish, remember?" Trish said, sitting next to Robin, wearing sexy lingerie.

"No. Why are you here?"

"I need to talk to Ted. He said he was going to call me but he hasn't, and it really angers me. So if you don't mind, I would like to have a word with him."

"In my nightmare?" Barney said, then looked around nervously. "You know, I'm into a lot of kinky stuff, but not a ménage a... multi-dudes. Truth be told I'm not even all that into swinging."

"Now don't be shy..." Marshall whispered seductively in his ear and let his hand trace down Barney's chest.

"Just let it happen" Lily said and nibbled his ear.

"Trish and I can talk later..." Ted said and scooted closer. "Can't we Trish?"

"Oh absolutely" she said and crawled over to the others.

"I'm just gonna sit this one out" Robin said.

As four of the five people in his bed began to make advances Barney looked up into the heavens with panic in his eyes.

"Flugelhorn!" he cried at the top of his lungs.

McLaren's

"Great, so in your dreams you hook me up with Trish, but you won't do it in real life?" Ted said as Barney finished telling them about the dream.

"Ted, what is with this obsession of finding her?" Barney asked. "Have a little dignity; she works in Human Resources. People who work there are really far down on the dating food chain, along with overweight, acne-ridden 45 year-olds who still live with their moms, and people who put sugar in their coffee."

"You were the one who set me up with her" Ted objected.

"Because she was the first girl I bumped into that day" Barney said. "Had I known which department she worked in I would have set you up with someone else."

"What is with this attitude towards people who work in Human Resources?" Robin asked. "Is it some sort of American thing?"

"I think Barney's just worked at the company for too long" Marshall said.

"I told you I would let you know where to find her Ted as soon as Tortuary is over" Barney said. "And it's just ten more hellish days to go, and then you can go find your bottom-of-the-dating-food-chain chick and have your second date."

"Can't you just tell me now and I will promise not to sleep with her until the challenge is over?" Ted pleaded.

"Sorry bro, no dice" Barney said. "The point is for everyone to suffer as much as I do, so that Marshall will learn never to put me through something like this ever again. Hey how are Dean and Lisa by the way?"

"Not bothering us" Marshall grinned.

"Aww that is so unfair" Barney complained and downed his scotch.

Then at long last the thirty day trial period was over. I almost killed your Uncle Barney when he revealed that Human Resources actually didn't have any offices in the building where Barney and Marshall worked. Turns out Goliath National Bank had two office buildings in New York, and the entire Human Resources department was located in the other building. But, I got my revenge on Barney, albeit unintentionally.

Ted and Robin's apartment

Barney was pacing back and forth in the living room when Robin came home from work.

"Where the hell have you been?" he demanded to know.

"At work" Robin said. "It's Monday."

"No, it's not just Monday" Barney said. "Challenge is over. I win, Stinson rules, Marshall is going to pay the ultimate price! I took the day off to honor this occasion, now get over here, get naked and get ready for the hottest... five minutes of your life."

"Five minutes?"

"It's been a month, give me a break."

"Beggars can't be choosers" Robin decided and hurried up to him.

They started kissing hungrily and eagerly tearing at each other's clothes, making their way to Robin's bedroom.

Ted and Robin's apartment, five minutes later

With a frustrated groan Barney buttoned his shirt on his way out of Robin's bedroom. She followed right behind him, in a very bad mood and pulling a t-shirt over her head.

"Seriously!" she exclaimed. "I cannot believe you're leaving for this."

"Look, there's nothing I can do, my hands are tied" Barney said.

"No, if I had my way your hands would be tied" Robin said. "To my headboard. This is just retarded."

"Robin the Bro Code clearly states that a bro will, whenever possible, provide his bro with protection."

"So?"

"So, this isn't my fault" Barney said as he put his coat on. "Blame it on Ted. Who the hell has sex at 10:30 in the morning on a business day anyway? He's seriously depraved. Now let's go. The sooner we can bring him some condoms, the sooner we can get cracking."

"Who the hell answers their phone when they're about to have sex anyway?" Robin asked as she grabbed her shoes.

"I thought it was Marshall and I wanted to gloat. Now come on, let's go."

With a frustrated groan Robin followed him out the door.

McLaren's, Friday

Barney, Robin, Lily and Marshall were over by the bar.

"I've got to hand it to you" Marshall said. "I didn't think you would be able to make it. Well done, bro."

"This has probably been the healthiest month of your entire life" Lily said.

"Not exactly" Robin said. "You wouldn't believe half the stuff he's tried to help keep his mind off sex."

"Anyway, the challenge is over, everybody is happy, and now things can go back to normal" Barney said.

"I think the thing I'm most proud of you for is that you haven't launched any petty retaliation on Marshall" Robin said.

"I wanted to, but I have to say, once the curse of Tortuary was lifted it was pretty damn amazing" Barney said and gave her a kiss. "And I decided that I didn't need to get back at you Marshall. And I also realized that I could barely move a muscle and therefore wouldn't even be able to launch a vendetta."

"And..." Robin said.

"And in a weak moment I admitted to Robin that this whole thing sort of might have kind of been a little bit my fault. Possibly."

"Wow" Lily said. "What made you come to that uncharacteristic conclusion?"

"If I hadn't made such a huge deal out of you guys and the swingers Marshall wouldn't have proposed this challenge to begin with" Barney said. "And that is why I called Jim and Kathy. I know you guys are still looking for couple best friends, and I think you might have a really good time with them."

"Thank you Barney, that's so sweet" Lily said.

"Look, I just want you to know, no hard feelings" Barney said with a smile. "Now have a great time tonight."

"Thanks Barney" Lily smiled.

She and Marshall went over to the booth where Jim and Kathy were sitting, and Robin shot Barney a look.

"You set them up with swingers, didn't you?" she said. "This isn't a couple's date, this is a couple's date."

"Right you are, my love" he said. "But payback gets even sweeter."

"So how do you guys know Barney?" they heard Marshall ask Jim.

"We have the same whip guy" came the answer.

Robin gave Barney a stern look.

"Yeah, Jim and Kathy are hardcore S/M" he said. "And I told them Lily and Marshall kind of were too. This is going to be legen, wait for it.... dary! I can't contain my glee!"

He raised his hand for a high-five, but when all he got was a disapproving look he left the bar. Slightly perplexed Robin followed him outside, where he was triumphantly standing on the steps to the apartment building, singing at the top of his lungs.

"When I look back I will always recall, moment for moment, this was the moment, the greatest moment... of them all!" he belted.

Robin ignored him and went past him and inside as he held out the last note for as long as he could. When he was finished he bowed to an imaginary audience and then followed her upstairs.

Please review! Thank you for reading! =)