It's been months since the last time I heard you laugh. Its been even longer since the last time I saw you smile. I'm sitting here wondering where you are. I am here, stuck in the same place. Here doing all these things that never made me happy. Here without you yet wishing for you. Here I am, still in this place.
She stared out at the harbor. From where she was standing, she could see Spoon Island and Windermere. She wondered, to herself, if Nikolas and Emily were putting Spencer to bed. It was probably too late for that, knowing Emily, he had been in bed for hours already. They were probably cuddled up together on the couch in the den. They had a fire roaring and they were drinking glasses of the finest brandy. She pictured all this, while she stood on the docks, cold and alone. Her boys were asleep at her grandmother's house. And her house was too empty for her. She was used to the noise of a toddler and an infant; without the noise, she was restless. She had tried to read; the book couldn't hold her attention. She tried to paint but it had come out looking flat. She didn't feel like cleaning or doing laundry. She wanted to be … what? What did she want to be? Not alone. But something more than just not alone; she wanted to be with Jason. There, I said… thought it. I want to be with Jason. But he is probably somewhere with Sam. So, that leaves me out here, on the docks all by myself. She then thought about where she was and the time of night. Her mind took her back to a night 8 years ago to be exact. She was out here on the docks, thinking about Lucky. At the time, they were being led to believe that Lucky was dead. He had been killed in a fire at Jason's bike shop. She had come out to the docks to be alone and grieve for the loss of the love of her life. She was also grieving for the loss of the life that she and Lucky should have had. And then, he had shown up. And what was the first thing out of his mouth? You shouldn't be ou…
"out here alone. The docks are dangerous at night", came a voice behind her.
She nearly jumped out of her skin. She turned around to see him, standing at the top of the stairs. Is this my imagination? Did I wish him into being? She thought to herself. He was standing at the top of the stairs. He was real; Jason was there.
"Elizabeth, are you alright? Are the boys… are they alright?" Jason asked timidly.
"The boys are fine; they are staying with Gram tonight. I am fine. Its just I don't know where else to be. Nothing fits right tonight. Have you ever felt that way? Where nothing seems to interest you and everything you try to do just fails miserably."
She looked up at Jason and saw him walking towards her.
"I've had those nights. It was after my accident. I guess it was because Jason Quartermaine never fit me and that is who I was trying to be. So, who are you trying to be?"
"Huh?" she said looking at him confused.
"Who are you trying to be that doesn't fit you?"
"I don't know. I tried to paint. If anything, that is who I am. But it didn't work. I tried to read. Emily suggested a bestseller to me. I barely made it past the first chapter. I tried to do a little cleaning and straightening around the house, but I'm always doing that. I just don't know. All the things I tried to do tonight, just wasn't what I wanted to be doing."
"So, what do you want to do?"
"I don't know. That's the thing Jase. If I knew then I would be doing it. I just don't know." She turned to walk away but before she could get to the first step, his hand was on her arm. He was pulling her into his strong arms.
"Elizabeth"
She tuned her face upwards to meet his eyes. "Hmmm?"
"Happy Birthday"
Her eyes lit up momentarily. "You remembered." She said.
"You thought that I would forget? I remember every moment of the time that we spent together. I remember our talk at Jakes, our first ride, our first dance. I remember the first time we kissed. I remember the night you came to Jake's after your Face of Deception photo shoot. You looked so beautiful, once I got all that makeup off. I… I never told you this but I found your gloves that night after you left. I picked them up and held them and for the first time that I could remember, I imagined something. I imagined you, in the doorway. You looked so beautiful standing there beckoning to me. Then, you were gone. Just like the night at the penthouse, you were there one moment and gone the next. I guess that's why I didn't go after you. I … I felt like it was just my imagination playing tricks on me again. You weren't there in the first place, so it was all my imagination. I had imagined looking at the boats in the harbor with you; I had imagined our talk about wanting to be together. I had imagined playing pool and all the other things we did while you lived here. So when that door shut and you were gone, I thought you had never really been there."
Elizabeth had pulled out of Jason's embrace and was looking at him while he explained the most painful point in their relationship. She was finally getting an explanation for why he had responded that way. She had always wondered why he let her go.
"I always figured you were already in love with Courtney. After I found out that you were guarding her and then about your secret love affair", she said with hurt and pain in her voice.
Jason heard her words and he heard all the pain that they held. He wished that he had never done that to her. He hadn't meant to hurt her.
"Elizabeth, I'm sorry. I didn't... I don't know why I"
"Please, Jason, that was years ago. It doesn't matter now." She said as she began to walk away.
"Elizabeth, please don't walk away from me again." Jason begged.
She stopped, going over his words in her head. She was always walking away from Jason. It had been going on for years now. It started with Lucky's miraculous return from the dead. She had walked away countless times, but he had done his fair share of walking away too.
"What about you, Jason? Did you ever think about the times you walked away? No, it was always on me. I always walked away. Think about it, Jason. Think about the most important time, the most crucial time when one of us walked away. Who was it?"
"What?" he asked in honest confusion.
"I walked away at the penthouse but think about the most crucial, and I'll give you a hint; Courtney had nothing to do with it."
"I don't know."
"The first time you left, Jason. I was already in love with you. You left the studio after you healed. You said it was because you had leaned on me too much. And less than a month later, you left to protect me. I never told you this, but that hurt more than anything else you've ever done to me. I had given up everyone that I knew for you. Why did you think I did that?"
She was begging him to understand her pain. He looked at the water and thought about that winter. The winter she found him in snow and dragged him to her studio and consequently saved his life. He thought about that pitiful little tree and couldn't help but laugh. He looked over and saw her scowling at him. She had misunderstood why he was laughing.
"Do you remember that tree we decorated?" he asked quickly before she could go off on him or walk away…again.
She threw her head back and laughed. "You LOVED that tree, I know you did. You had fun decorating it. Don't even try it. You are the best paper chain maker ever. I swear."
He loved watching her laugh. She was so beautiful. His chest constricted and his heart skipped a beat. Yeah, he was in love. He hated to change the mood but he had to go back to her question.
"I knew that you were giving up a lot for me and I didn't want you to do that"
"But Jason, it had already been done. I had lied to my grandmother and declared my independence. I lied to my closest friends. I had bombs in my studio and men approaching me on the docks. All those things were already happening, Jason. So tell me, please, how in the hell was your leaving protecting me?" Elizabeth begged.
"I don't know," he whispered.
"Exactly, it wasn't. Like I said the night at Vista Pointe, you weren't protecting me, you were simply protecting yourself. You always have been, Jason. I don't know how you could give yourself to Robin, Courtney, and Sam, but you did. But for some reason you could never give yourself to me; not completely. Hell, not at all. I was in love with you, but I knew that I was too young, but that didn't stop me. I was willing to try and you just… weren't. But you tried with Robin and you fought for Courtney and you killed for Sam. But Elizabeth, well she just wasn't worth it, right Jason?"
"That's not the way it was, Elizabeth. I…"
"What? You what? Wanted me? No, that's not it. You wanted everyone but me. I was your Lucky. He found me in the snow, I found you in the snow. He saved my life, I saved your life. I will forever be grateful to him and therefore feel that I owe him something, and you feel the same way about me. It will never be love, its just gratitude. I finally understand that." She said turning to walk up the stairs.
He let her walk away. He thought about her explanation for why he could never commit to her. And she was dead wrong.
"You're wrong" he yelled after her. "I'm am grateful to you, but it doesn't mean that I don't love you too. I do love you. I have since … God, since forever. I can't say since, Jake's; I barely knew you then. It happened…somewhere, maybe on the way to nowhere or the bridge to nowhere. Maybe it was right here on these docks. Maybe when you painted the wind for me. Or, maybe when you were explaining the wind to me. I've never understood paintings but you made it real. I could see it. Elizabeth all of that made me love you. Your strength, made me love you. Your stubbornness, made me love you. Your smile, made me love you. Your he... heart" he said with his voice cracking. "Made me love you.
She had stopped at the top of the stairs when he had begun talking. By the
time he finished; she was leaned against the rail, looking down at him.
"I love you, Elizabeth. I love everything about you. And out of the women who have been in my life, I am grateful that you are the mother of my child. Always know that our son was created in love. I knew that you loved me and I loved you. And Jake is proof of that."
She began walking down the stairs towards him. "Then explain to me why you could fight for the other women you were involved with but never for me. I had proven more than any of them that I was worthy of your love. Before Courtney went up against Sonny for you, before Sam went up against who ever for you. I, me Jason, little Elizabeth Webber, went against this whole damned town, for you. The one family member who has ever cared about me, I disappointed her, for you. The two friends that I had left, I lied to for you. I hid you from Sonny and Carly. I went up against Carly, numerous times, for you. And now you're telling me that you love me?" she laughed bitterly. She hit him then. She threw a perfect punch at his upper arm. It didn't hurt but he flinched out of politeness. He knew that she was hurting and she wanted to hurt him too. He guessed this was the closest that she would be getting to a bar fight.
"Why are you hitting me?" Jason asked.
"Because I felt like it. That's for… everything. Now explain. Tell me why them and never me."
Jason looked down at her and knew that she wasn't going to let this go. "I didn't want you in this life, Elizabeth. With Robin, I didn't know the danger. I wasn't blind to it but I wasn't aware of exactly how much it would affect her either. I gave up the life, or tried, but I never really could. Then you came along, and I knew I didn't want it to touch you. I know it did anyway. The more I pushed, you pushed harder. There was the bomb and Sorel and being shot and kidnapped. It touched you and you weren't even really in my life at those times. Can you imagine what would have happened had we been together?"
"Yes, I can. Had we been together, I would have had all the protection in the world, like Carly had. Instead of being kidnapped from my studio, I would have been living at the penthouse with you, with guards outside the door. I never would have been kidnapped. And don't throw up the fact that Carly was kidnapped; Ric is a very different story. And speaking of Ric, that sick freak would have never been in my life. No aneurism, no miscarriage, no poison, no Faith."
"And no Cameron." Jason said.
"We don't know that. I could still have Cameron, the difference being, he would have been our son. Cameron and Morgan are the same age, there's only a few months age difference. Can you imagine them being best friends? I can. That's what I want for my little boys; to have a huge family unit that I never had. Any way, it doesn't matter. You explained Robin, next." She said impatiently.
"Courtney, I don't know. I didn't mean to fall in love with her. I don't know whether I really did or not. Really, how could I when I was so in love with you? Maybe it was the fact that she was Sonny's sister and she was a target anyway. It helped that Sonny and Carly liked her. It wasn't hard to be with Courtney, in the beginning. She just didn't expect anything from me. And then she did, so I did what I thought I was supposed to do. You were married to Ric and I wanted to show people that the Borg could feel too. It was wrong, that's more than obvious. It was wrong because I was still in love with you and I never should have been with Courtney."
Out of all his relationships, he knew his being with Courtney had hurt Elizabeth the most. He hadn't waited a month after she walked out of the penthouse before he had slept with Courtney. How was she supposed to feel when he pushed her away and then pulled Courtney in?
"I'm an idiot; does that make you feel better? I was stupid, I… I needed someone to want me and Courtney did. She never walked away and she never turned me away."
"Oh yeah", she said laughing "Courtney let you right in, didn't she?"
Jason got the double meaning and he knew that they had hurt her. But Jason wasn't going to back down. "What about you and Zander?" He watched as her eyes clouded over and filled with tears.
"You're comparing you and… you know what never mind." She said as she started back up the stairs.
He watched as she walked away. "Elizabeth, please wait. I'm sorry. I know there was a difference. I know… Please wait" he said as he ran after her.
She could hear him behind her but she wouldn't stop. She couldn't face him right now; she didn't want him to see her tears. She felt his hand on her shoulder and then she was being turned around. She felt the cold leather against her face and his muscular arms around her. She was sobbing by this point. She grabbed handfuls of his jacket as she cried, and held onto him tight.
"Let me go, Jason."
He heard her, but he wouldn't, couldn't let her go.
"Let me go, Jason. Just let me go. Please," She was begging him to let her go, but not just from his embrace but from his life too. They had done this dance for too long and it was time for one of them to simply let go. And she was going to be the one. She pushed against his chest until the embrace was broken. She looked into his eyes and said, "Jason, its time for us to let go. We have Jake and we have our one night. Now, let go".
He moved to let her go, but couldn't. "I can't do that, Elizabeth. I'll never be able to let you go. We've never really tried. Let's try now. I'm sorry about the others, I can't take that back. But we can make this right. I can make it right. Don't run away from me, please." He begged.
"This doesn't fix everything, Morgan. Just because I am willing to try with you, you have to be better than you were before. I will be better too. We have to try, together, to make this work.
"I love you, Elizabeth" he said as he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to him.
She smiled and kissed him lightly. Then pulled away and punched him again.
"What was that for?" Jason asked.
"Eight years, Morgan. It took you eight years to say those words. Now was it really that difficult?" Elizabeth responded.
She saw the laughter in his eyes. And she knew that her little punch didn't affect him at all. "I love you too," she said quickly.
"Good" he said. "So, I think the best thing that we could do right now", he said leaning over her, looking intently into her eyes. "Would to be to…"
She licked her lips unconsciously, "What would that be, Jason".
"For me to take you…"
Her breathe hitched when his lips whispered over hers.
"For a birthday ride"
Elizabeth's eyes lit up at his suggestion. "Really, Jason? A ride, I haven't been riding in forever. God, the last time I was on the back of a bike… god, before Cameron was born. I would love to. We could take the cliff roads. And maybe I could drive. Actually no, I don't want to drive; I wanna enjoy this ride…" She said rambling on.
He tried to hide his laughter by clearing his throat. He shook his head slightly and then grasped Elizabeth's hand and pulled her to him, stopping her ramblings with a kiss.
The End