Sadness in the Night

by Ahn-Li Steffraini

Summary: Gibbs remembers his family.

A/N: I have wanted to write this since I listened to this song. It just wouldn't let me go.
This is a songfic from the song "Sadness in the Night" by Tarja Turunen. I have only included bits and pieces of the lyrics, not the whole song... and I changed a letter here and there to fit.

Disclaimer: Neither NCIS or the song depicted within are mine. I don't own the rights to them, nor am I making any money from this.

In the night I feel the cold of my loneliness
Cold that embraces my heart
Draining my strength to fight
Only to breathe this suffering

The stars were dancing, he was sure of it. He held one lone glass - if a hastily emptied mason jar could be called a glass - of bourbon. He stared up through the window from where he sat on the basement stairs, before he looked back down to the amber liquid. He wasn't even really drinking it. More like staring at it.

He didn't really feel like even that. Usually he found solace in his boat but now he couldn't even find that.

Let me fly, let me be free
To stay with them beyond this life
Run across the sky
Let me see the sun again

He had been told while standing in the middle of MTAC that now Jenny had joined the long list of the dead that sat heavy on his concience. In his mind. Haunting his dreams. He remembered that moment with vivid clarity. For a long moment he had stood there stunned, and then he had simply walked outside under the sky and stared up into the deep blue sky. He didn't scream, as much as he had wanted to. He didn't cry either. He just felt one more piece of his heart snap.

Let me die
Give me the light
I'm waiting for death to knock on my door to release my pain
My sadness in the night

Shannon, Kelly... Kate Todd... then Paula, Chris Pacci, and now Jenny. His team no longer existed as he knew it. It wasn't as if he didn't think his new couldn't do their jobs, but he resented that in the midst of one major shock that he and his team had to take one more.

Despite how he chose to make a living he didn't really like death. To him, his war was against needless voilence and death. It was more than a paycheque, more than a career choice simply because he had needed to make a career choice.

Every day I dream of sunlight in my dark room
I want to find a reason why
Justify my reason to stay alive
Within this pain

It was a way of life.

Tell me why?
Why must I bear this cross
So heavy for my soul?

And every death was a stark reminder of how human he really was. How he could fail... and the weight of it all was simply getting too much to bear. Tonight, though, was one of those nights that he and Shannon had always sat up to watch. It was on nights like these, when he had leave and she had time off, that they had actually been able to 'date'.

Never I'll forget her love
Never I'll forget the light
That shone in her eyes

It was almost too much for him as he looked back down to the glass of bourbon. The light almost made it seem like the colour of her hair.

Let me die
Give me the light
I'm waiting for death to knock on my door to release my pain
My sadness in the night

He remembered after he had taken his revenge for their deaths. He had returned to the beach where they had camped and rode across the sands. He had started the first boat with Kelly shortly after that, promising her that one they would go back to that beach and not only ride horses but also sail. He had promised he would teach her to sail...

He had almost taken his own life.

And he would be the first to admit that it wasn't the only time he had considered it. Sometimes he wished that when sleep took him that he just wouldn't wake up. Just go peacefully. Close his eyes and open them again and be with them forever.

In the night I feel the cold of my loneliness
Cold that embraces my heart
Draining my strength to fight
Only to breathe this suffering

It was only in the night that he felt the worst, that he desired an end.

Let me die
Give me the light
I'm waiting for death to knock on my door to release my pain
My sadness in the night

Link to the song: www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=yELcO3iSrrk
If some talented person made a fanvid using this song, I'd probably write them a fic... ;)