This fic was written as a collaborative piece between Seenbean and
Shadowfax. They chose the diary-format because that way, it is easier for
each author to write as certain characters, and maintain the whole
collaborative shabang. The following is a list of characters, and who
wrote as them. Naturally, all characters are copywrited to JRR tolkein
forever and ever and we love him to bits…even though he is dead. Yes.
The fic is a little long, and takes a while to get started, but I assure you if you persevere, you'll get a few laughs out of it. Do us a favor and rate it too? We likes comments! XD
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Frodo – Frodina
Sam – Samantha
Merry – Mary
Gimli – Gimlina
The above written by Shadowfax
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Aragorn – Aragornia
Boromir – Boromella
Pippin – Pippette
Legolas – Legolassy
1 The above written by Seenbean
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Disclaimer:
The following transcript you are about to read, is completely true. The people are real, the cases are real! Welcome to the court of judge Judith schinle…wait a second, that's not right…ok, welcome to the court of Seenbean, and Shadowfax. Just to set the record straight…the following isn't completely true…it's err…partly true…sort of true…ok, lets be honest it is complete and utter bull-….dust. There may be the odd spoiler lurking within the following paragraphs…but we assume if you are reading LotR fanfiction you have read the books, or at least seen the movie! The rating for this piece is W-O-A (whacked out audiences only, and those not whacked out should be accompanied by someone who is!). We claim no responsibility for the removal of sanity from any party indulging in this fic. Thank you and good night...bzzt.
____And Finally, the Fic!!!___
The feminine side, or 'Never send a man to do a woman's job!'
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Frodo's Journal:
The party is distraught. Gandalf our leader has left, parted, gone … pegged it. He will always be remembered as our compassionate friend and determined leader. From here on out, in his honorable memory we will be know as the fellowship of Gandalf. Hey Pippin this is my journal and I can write what I want to! No don't tell Aragorn…Pippin come here I was joking!! But I digress…it can no longer be the fellowship of the ring for Gandalf is not here. The fellowship is breaking. Instead we will be know as the fellowship of the ring minus one. We must continue on our journey now, even if our hearts are filled with lead. Heavy hearted…get it? Err yes you get the picture. Night draws near.
Legolas's Journal:
It's not fair! What does Aragorn mean by getting us up in the middle of the right to run down a mountain in the rain in hosiery! I can't run in these heels! Wait a second, I don't wear heels…actually, I don't think they even have heels in middle earth. Hmmm…
My brain is quite addled what with the yells of the orcs that pursued us down the slopes. Of course, we're well out of their way now, and stopping for Pippin to eat. Does that hobbit ever cease stuffing his face? It's quite appalling. In any case, we're camped on the outskirts of a pretty little wood at the moment. It's a very…feminine looking wood, if there can be such a thing. There are many pretty little flowers, and small furry critters…actually its rather sickening. Still, Aragorn insists we must venture into it once we are finished with our 'second breakfast'. I am uneasy…there is a foul stench on the air…and for once it isn't Gimli. It smells like cheap French perfume.
Do we have cheap French perfume in middle earth? Are we even supposed to know where France is?
Gimli's journal:
With war axe in hand we traipsed silently into the woods, hoping to find some game to catch and eat. However, we were only faced with small, furry and decidedly bony critters, which tend to block my windpipe and cause a nasty bout of gas. Legolas was looking somewhat perplexed as we entered the wood, kept on staring at his feet, damn sissy elf boy. He should have a man's weapon… like a war axe! That'll teach him to fight. For some reason unbeknownst to me we stopped suddenly in a pretty little glade that smells like perfume… or cat urine… either one. There was a purple misty fog that hung in the air and tasted like strawberry kisses, or so pippin told me. Trust Pippin to be sampling the taste of the fog. Arr were going to continue on… who died and made that Aragorn boss anyway? Oh yeah…the whole Gandalf Vs Balrog deal…
Aragorn's Journal:
We've been keeping on through this torrid purple fog for some time now. It is difficult to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Actually, that is not strictly true…I can see a light…it is very bright, and heart shaped. Disturbing…
Aragorn's Journal (some time later)
The hobbits slumber peacefully on silken purple cushions around me. My comrades have all been asleep since I woke up. They're backs are to me, so I cannot see if they are as disturbed as myself, however they all seem to be making peaceful little sighing noises, and I have the sneaking suspicion that Gimli is sucking his thumb. This place seems to put everyone at ease, except myself! I cannot sleep, I have continuous visions of the woman who brought us here…captured us more like it!
I left you, dear journal, in the midst of the purple fog and heart-shaped- light. Soon after that, the fog parted, and a woman stepped into the area. To put her in one word…purple. To put her into two words…purple purple. Her hair was purple, her eyes were purple, her skin had a purplish- hue…which made her look rather unwell…her…err…'costume' was purple, and even the strange beast she rode upon was purple. Before we had time to draw our weapons in defense, she drew her own purple bow , and said in a distinctly lavendery voice:
"Welcome to the wood of the lost. Are you lost?"
We blinked. The wood of the lost? Hey wait a minute…isn't this supposed to be Galadriel's realm?
"Silence mortal!" She screamed at me, upon hearing my thoughts "You are ruining my plot! Honestly!" she looked somewhat huffy "My name, is lady fanfictionus…but you may call me..."
'Purple?' Sam muttered, and the other hobbits snickered. Legolas kicked them to get them to shut up. It obviously didn't pay to mock this…fanfictionus woman. She began to speak again:
"You have trespassed into my wood, and now you are laughing at me! This is too much, I declare! You mock me, for being a woman?"
'No good lady…' Boromir replied 'We mock you for your apparent obsession with the color purp-'
But before he could utter another word, she had drawn silky arrows from her quiver, and fired at each of us in turn. I gasped as Legolas fall to the floor, then Gimli, the four hobbits, and Boromir. As the arrow hit my chest, I felt nothing but a strange inner glow…I looked down, but I saw no blood, and the arrow seemed to disintegrate, leaving a purple mist, and the scent of cheap French perfume…whatever that is. Before long we were all of us out cold, and when we awoke…we were here. In this err…prison. Well, at least the décor is nice…
Sam's journal:
Master Frodo ... Master Frodo are you awake?? Master Fro…
Mistress Frodo?
I know you always said you wanted to get in touch with your feminine side but this is taking it just a smidgen too far. But I must say you look rather delicious in that fawn gown… no wait what am I saying… Really Master Frodo what has happened? You look… you look… like a girl!!
Frodina's Journal:
…I feel very…top heavy. I also feel the need to go wash my hair, which is absurd, considering I don't have much hair. Hang on what's this stuff hanging from my head…? It's hair, feminine hair…did I sleep with someone? No wait it's mine. And why oh why am I wearing a garter? Not that it isn't rather attractive, of course…I know … I'm dreaming… that's right wakey-wakey Frodo your having an absurd dream about… about… no I don't want to think what this dream is about! Sam, please keep those sexist chauvinistic comments to yourself! But on that subject you look rather aesthetically pleasing yourself…
Boromella's Journal:
I awoke to the sound of the young hobbits having a tiff about something. I noticed that their voices appeared squeakier than usually. Very queer. When I raised my eyes to the scene, a drastic change seemed to have come over both Frodo and Samwise…
For a start, they seemed to be cross-dressing…
Wait a second, they AREN'T cross-dressing! They're…girls? When I inquired as to what in the hell they were playing it, they took one look at me and fell over laughing. I could distinguish several words between their peals of mirth:
"You…look…like a…drag queen!"
Wracked with terror, I traversed our brothel-like prison, searching for a mirror of some description. Finally, I discovered one, lying, half broken, in a dusty corner. Bending over it, I inspected my face.
I never noticed what fine bone structure I had before…
Mary's Journal:
By now everyone, to their great dismay, has discovered that they are of the fairer sex. None are to pleased. fanfictionus entered the prison in a cloud of purple smoke sitting upon a cushion of … purple. She said 'To punish you for entering my wood, uninvited' she glared at us 'I have decided to turn you all into females for an indeterminate period of time. I also feel that, quite frankly there are not enough female protagonists in the lord of the rings. Girls can wear jeans…and cut their hair short! Wear shirts, and boots…'cause it's okay to be a boy…but for a boy to look like a girl is degrading! 'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading. But secretly, you'd love to know what it's like, wouldn't you? What it feels like for a girl…Do you know, what it feels like for a girl in this world?'. She struck a dramatic pose. We all looked at each other, confusion written on every extremely pretty face…excluding Gimli. "So I am setting you free to travel in the world with only the most attractive female bodies" she continued, and looked at Gimli…Gimlina 'except for maybe you'. Then she vanished in another puff of smoke… can we all guess what color it was? The prison vanished around us, too, and we were left in the middle of the clearing, corsets and all. Rude bitch, I thought to myself.
Legolassy's Journal:
At this point in time, I'd like to state that I'm really rather peeved. I've always been proud of my hair. When I was small, my father would say, "Legolas, your hair is beautiful! Never cut it, son!". And so, seeing as the rest of the fellowship were equipt with long hair in their female forms, I figured I wouldn't have changed all that much…except for some added fatty deposits here and there.
But I was wrong! They've cut it all off! I HAVE A BOB! I look…cute. Cuter than before…
The rest of the fellowship are trying to take it in their stride. I think Aragornia is finding it the hardest to take. He…She is used to being this macho, ranger, can't touch me, kinda guy…and now he's all effete and delicate. I heard Gimlina mutter "Pansy" at him, but I don't think he heard. Had he heard, Gimlina would have a few slap marks across that barmaid face of hers.
The odd thing about this whole female deal, is that it seems to be affecting our brains. We are more alert, more sensitive to danger…and a little while ago Mary made Pippette cry. It happened when Pip announced she was hungry, and Mary called her a fat pig. Very upsetting. But honestly, I do agree in some respects…Pip could do with some calorie counting, don't you think?
It's a shame middle-earth doesn't have a jenny Craig…I'd be sending Gimlina off fourth with.
Gimlina's Journal:
We left the wood at sundown to cross the plain, and continue on our journey to find somewhere comfortable to sleep with possibly a few cute guys. And Aragornia keeps on talking about a ring… and some evil lord. But really she should just take a chill pill. I think violence is not the way to solve problems. If we all sat down and discussed our issues the greater problems in life would be solved. Like famine, and the logging of all those ancient forests by those orcs…such a shame…but if they see the error of their ways they might stop what they are doing and we will become a more connected unit! We shall work together as a whole! But hush darl's something draws close.
Aragornia's Journal:
The orcs came, flooding into our small resting place like bats out of hell. They surrounded us in seconds…it appears Frodina was too busy picking flowers and making daisy chains, to check on sting and see what the story was with upcoming attacks. I brandished my weapon, which appears to have become a lot heavier…my wrists are aching. The head orc, if there can be such a thing, stepped forward and grunted in a most unladylike manner…possibly because it wasn't a lady. I backed away somewhat, bumping into Pip, whose bottom lip trembled, as she began to cry. I apologized, trying to shut the whining baby up. Honestly, some people just don't know the do's and don'ts of reasonable society.
The orcs drew closer, and I gulped. I feared this may be the end, so I did what any typical hero-…ine would do, and sat down, hands clasped to my heart, uttering a few silent words of prayer.
Then, completely unexpectedly, Gimlina stepped forward.
"Guys…." She drawled in that barmaid tongue of hers. I kicked her, she swallowed and smiled cordially "Gentlemen! I honestly do not think violence is not the way. Now, obviously, you are distressed that we have wasted so many of your noble comrades back in the mines…"
They looked perplexed, but did not attack.
"But I assure you," Gimlina continued "We have seen the error of our ways! Ours is not the path of violence and hatred, we prefer peace…" she coughed "and love!"
By this time, Legolassy was eyeing Gimlina with an extremely perturbed expression. As a matter of fact, we all were. What did she think that war axe of hers was for? Chopping vegetables?
Finally, she finished, with "So, to conclude…would you like to stay for a little toasted wild pig? We caught some earlier…it would be real grand for you to stay and have some!"
There was a silence. I could see it in the orc's faces, the teetering between cordially accepting, and smashing the hell out of us.
Then…the head orc bowed, and kissed Gimlina's hand. "It would be…" he croaked "our pleasure."
Samantha's Journal:
Well I must say, when you sit down all civilized like and talk to those orcs, you can make quite a connection with them. Granted their table manners leave a lot to be desired but you can't have everything. The orcs left after we had finished our lovely folk dancing display, in which mistress Frodina excelled exceptionally and caught the eye of quite a few of the more brazen young Orcs. We then got our quota of beauty sleep, though some are beyond help in that respect…and headed off bright and early after a quick organized breakfast and a brief wash in a pool of muddy water. It's amazing what happens to your hair in the space of one night. But a few flowers behind your ear and you feel like spring is here again. See my soon to be published book "Feminine touches by Samantha Gamgee". But anyway we came up to another forest-gawd this place is full of forests, what we need are some more fields of lush green grass dotted with pretty pink and yellow, and orange, and blue, and purple… no wait not purple…flowers.
Pipette's Journal:
The golden wood, or lothlorien is simply beautiful. In fact, its so stunning the first time I laid my eyes upon it…it…made me cry. Mary unkindly called me a crybaby, but Frodina comforted me, and told Mary to stop being a bitch. We passed through the wood awhile without being noticed, but were soon intercepted by some rather sexy elf guys. They had this whole macho-thing going…but Gimlina soon had them wrapped around her little finger…wait no, large fatty finger. She insists it is her bone structure, but I think not. Legolassy caught the eye of more than one elvish archer, but I doubt they'll be shooting anything her way. She remains somewhat aloof, but always rather pleasant and companionable.
The elvish gaurds took us to meet the elf-witch, queen Galadriel. We were all rather honored to be in her presence actually, and she's aged rather well all things considered. I wonder what skin care products she uses. Anti-wrinkle cream, perhaps?
Boromella seemed very uneasy in her presence…so did Frodina. I heard her hiss at Frodina "welcome, Frodina, one who has seen the pie!"
I blinked, and grinned excitedly "They have pie here?"
Boromella's Journal:
The lady Galadriel makes me very uneasy. She spoke to me in my mind, she said that I am only a link in the chain of the fellowship…but if I should fall, so should we all. It is true, I've been having…impure thoughts regarding the ring. I want it…it is…so beautiful. It's really a lovely piece of jewelry…it goes with everything! And look, I'm sure that's at least 24 carat gold. I need it…I lust after it. And I feel so terrible about keeping this from my comrades.
So, I called us all together for a 'pow wow'. Gimlina lit some aromatherapy candles, and we all did breathing exercises for a little while. Finally, I dropped my bombshell.
"Guys…girls…I've been meaning to tell you something…"
"Tell us, tell us Boromella!" "Yes, tell us thy woes!"
I coughed "Hi, I'm Boromella, and I'm a ring-a-holic."
Many tears later, we had it all worked out. Frodina and the gang promised to be very supportive of me, and said they would never desert me. I in turn, said that if I ever had problems with ring-obsession again, I would come clean, and steps would be taken to stop me. That ring does bad things to people…no matter how much makeup you put on, it can distort you and make you really rather ugly.
We ended the proceedings with a group hug, which was rather lovely considering Aragornia is usually loath to show that sort of affection. We then got Galadriel up, and had a slumber party. She showed us some really neat tricks…she has this mirror that can show you all this cool stuff! When I looked in there, I saw all of us…happy together, minus the ring.
Frodina's vision made us all laugh…she saw Gimlina dressed as a MAN! Ehehehehe!
Mary's Journal:
We left the wood today. Galadriel gave us some really neato parting gifts, Frodina got a cool shiny crystal thingy, which was all glimmery and sparkly, the rest of us got gray hessian cloaks. For an elf she has really bad fashion sense, but they had a cool clasp on them that looked like a leaf. Real emeralds, too, I think. And I swear when Pip put hers on I couldn't see her, then she reappeared! Then we had to travel down the river in these really ancient looking bark canoes. I was really scared but Boromella said not to worry as I could go with her and she wouldn't let anything happen to me, which is really nice considering we aren't the best of friends. She hangs out a lot with the really popular group, so it's good that she is crossing the border and changing stereotypes. But, anyhoo we were going down this really cold, blue river and then all of a sudden this waterfall jumps out in front of us and scares us silly! We nearly fell down it but were lucky and thanks to the great skills of Boromella we were a-o-k and relatively unhurt. Mind you someone should sue that waterfall for jumping out and scaring us like that… I mean jeeze.
Legolassy's Journal:
We camped on the bank of the river. Some orc's and their little friends (Sauraman's lackeys…I think) dropped in for tea again. Gimlina charmed the pants off them, as usual…although I hope not literally. She and I are beginning to see eye to eye now, we're even taking a stab at friendship. It all came to pass when she gave me an honest opinion about this new thing I'm trying with my hair…
Evidently washing it in mud, is not a good look.
So there we were, camped out on the banks. The orcs and co. had left some time ago, and we were just about ready to call it a night, and get some sleep before crossing into Mordor tomorrow. Boromella 'came out' again, telling us the ring was really bothering her tonight, so we put her to bed early with a nice cup of herbal tea (Aragornia sure is a whiz with these herby thingys).
Suddenly, as Frodina was looking into the distance, she began to tremble all over. I shook her gently, and ask, all concerned, what was wrong. She informed me that danger was coming, and she felt strange…
I put it down to PMS, and ignored her.
But sure enough, then I began to sense it…a slight blurring of the horizon, the clatter of hooves on rock.
The ring wraith was approaching.
We were all on our toes a little quicker than last time, and ducked for cover. Pip sniffled, threatening to cry again…but Mary clamped a hand over her mouth to shut her up. It was not until we were all hidden, and the rider had appeared in the clearing, that we realized something…
Gimlina was asleep slap bang in the middle of the clearing!
The rider stopped, paused, sniffed the air. It dismounted, and trod over to Gimlina. With sword raised high above it's ugly, faceless head (or hood) it snarled.
I couldn't stand it…Gimlina…the one person to give me an honest opinion about my hair, could NOT perish! I ran out into the clearing, trying to stop the rider…
I was paralysed with fear…but I told myself, W.W.G.D…what would Gimlina do?
Frodina, and the other hobbits stepped out with me, so too did Aragornia. We were ready.
"I uh…I don't think you should do that…mr..ring wraith.."
"Sir.." added Pipette shakily.
"Yes," I acknowledged "It would be a mistake. You see…we have all changed so much since last we met your kind…we have…been transformed.."
I could have sworn the wraith looked down at our chests then, but I could be mistaken.
"…you see, we do not wish for war and hatred!" I was getting the hang of this now "This little ring…it's causing us all so much anguish and pain…don't you think it would be better…for the good of the whole of middle earth, if it were to be destroyed?"
Frodina nodded, and added "Yes, all I want is world peace!".
The wraith looked startled. It cocked it's hooded head to one side, and seemed to contemplate the scenario. Quietly, it laid its sword down beside Gimlina and nodded slowly.
"You are a slave to your master Sauron…" Aragornia pitched in. "Break free! You can do it…oh extremely scary one! Revert to your former…form…your humanity. Noble…and true…"
Now the Wraith was really confused, it coughed. Quietly, it mounted it's beast, and stood looking at us. It seemed to be incapable of speech, but from it's body language, I gathered it had taken what we said to heart. Silently, it rode off into the sunset. The sunset said "ouch".
Storytellers note:
Seenbean:
And so, the fellowship…or lassy-ship, as they now should be known, avoided the darkrider of Mordor. Also, the lassy-ship did not split, as they're male counterparts did in the alternate-version of this tale. No indeed, Frodina and Aragornia had a 'pow wow' and decided it was all for the best if they stuck together, through and through, and helped each other out in this quest for world peace. Boromella was not slain by hideous creatures from Isengaurd, indeed she prospered, and continued with the lassy-ship, down into Mordor…
Shadowfax:
They had many adventures, trials and tribulations (and some cat-fights) but because of their truce with the ring wraiths and the orcs the path was indeed, less bloodthristy and expect for the occasional bout of PMS, non- violent. Yes they discovered new things in the world (like the use of herbs in washing your hair – more environmentally friendly and a lot more effective than mud) and made new friends (but there was that very close incident with the Ents… but that is another story). Only to find themselves at the threshold of Mount Doom. And so we join our heroic lassy-ship in their final quest for breaking the ring; resulting in world peace.
Samantha's Journal:
This whole adventurer heroine thing was getting pretty dull, it was ages since I had eaten properly and even longer since I had seen, let alone used, a normal toilet. But we persevered, and here we are at the gates of Mount Doom. Mount. Doom…what a name, I think I will suggest to Mr. Sauron about something more inviting and airy and appealing to all… like Mount. Flower, or just drop the whole mountain thing and call it…Hollyworth…or something. Anyway the names not that important, the décor in here is really unpleasant. Obviously he doesn't have many guest, or visitors… or friends full stop. Anyway here we are and everyone is feeling very brave and manly… strange that… and once we have destroyed this ring we all have different plans. Legolassy and Gimlina are going to get a condo somewhere near Mirkwood. Aragornia and Boromella plan to return to Gondor to find their manliness, and then rule side by side (like that will ever happen)! Us hobbits…well we all plan to settle down in the shire with a family of our own… with a lovely hobbity husband…wife…goat… whatever… and plant vegetables.
Aragornia's Journal:
We climbed the perilous slopes of Mt. Doom. Oddly, it was quite under- populated. Not a ring wraith or orc to be seen. Which was unfortunate, I really fancied a tea party.
But population and tea parties aside, the climb was very difficult. Legolassy ripped her lovely green gown, and the hobbits got very dirty…
Mary threw some sand at Pippette…who cried.
Finally, we managed to reach the peak of the mountain. Far ahead of us, a black archway could be seen. Was that, a figure in the opening? No, perhaps not.
We traversed on. It was incredibly hot, and we were all rather vexed that we were not able to shed our bodices and just walk around in skirts. However, I feel we made the right decision in not doing that.
We reached the archway. And there stood Sauron…the dark lord himself.
He wanted the ring. He did not have to say it, we knew. His lust for it was strong…stronger than Boromella's, or Bilbo's, Gollum's or the ring wraiths. He needed it, he longed for it with every fiber of his being.
But we would not give it up.
It must be destroyed, we told him. We did not come all this way, in the wind and the rain and the horrible humidity just to be turned away by an evil dark lord with an ego problem. No, we were made of sterner stuff. Gimlina explained her 'world peace' theory, helped out by Legolassy. Still the lord did not speak.
I caught Frodina's gaze…I whispered "take the ring…run past him…throw it into the fire!"
And so the hobbit ran…
Lucky Gimlina was distracting Sauron with her rendition of the hula.
Frodina's Journal:
I ran. Boy did I run. It was like that time when we were being chased by a really horny bunch of orcs, only scarier and more life threatening. On the other hand, I probably could have walked past him and he wouldn't have noticed. He was entranced by Gimlina's fat rolls jiggling as she danced the dance of the seven veils. Legolassy accompanied her on the banjo. Samantha, Pip, and Mary squatted in time, performing their traditional hobbit dance, used only on special occasions. Aragornia and Boromella looked somewhat disturbed. I ran through the archway, and down the crumbling black path to the firey pit that was the center of Mt. Doom. I stood on the edge…gazing at the ring in my hand. The ring, we had come so far to protect it…but now it would leave us forever, dissolved in the fires that forged it in the first place. I raised my hand, and tossed it upwards. It glittered and sparkled as it was thrown up. It tumbled heavily in the sky and slowly descended in to the volcanic hot molten larva. I had a sudden urge to jump after it, but before I had the chance it had disappeared and was gone from our lives forever. I turned to see Sauron's reaction. He looked liquefied, sort of see through, the air around him grew heavy and clung to him like a wet jacket, He began to melt slowly, like hot candy, or sugary toffee. Then he disappeared in a puff of purple smoke. There in his place stood … fanfictionus? What was she doing here? I was about to give her a piece of my mind when she spoke
'I see you have triumphed!' she smirked 'ladies. Yes you are right, I am the evil dark lord Sauron and my attempt to turn you into girls was to stop you from succeeding in your quest for world peace.' We all looked at her. Why did she turn us into girls?? Wouldn't goats have been more appropriate? Everyone knows women are the ones who get things done. You'd never see goats destroying a ring, digesting it yes, destroying it, no. She glared at us reading out thoughts
'This is my plot. I know it is as full of holes as swiss cheese, but I like it. And hey it was pretty amusing for all you readers out there…' Then her expression changed 'But now I feel it is time to change you back to your former … form'.
Gimlina made a face 'do I have to?'
But she did not answer. When I looked at Legolas his hair had returned to it's former beauty and length, and certain fatty deposits had disappeared, on all of us. Then in a cloud of purple smoke, fanfictionus disappeared to harass Harry Potter.
Pippin's Journal:
I turned to the guys.
"So…who's for a pint?"
_____________________THE END________________
The fic is a little long, and takes a while to get started, but I assure you if you persevere, you'll get a few laughs out of it. Do us a favor and rate it too? We likes comments! XD
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Frodo – Frodina
Sam – Samantha
Merry – Mary
Gimli – Gimlina
The above written by Shadowfax
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Aragorn – Aragornia
Boromir – Boromella
Pippin – Pippette
Legolas – Legolassy
1 The above written by Seenbean
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Disclaimer:
The following transcript you are about to read, is completely true. The people are real, the cases are real! Welcome to the court of judge Judith schinle…wait a second, that's not right…ok, welcome to the court of Seenbean, and Shadowfax. Just to set the record straight…the following isn't completely true…it's err…partly true…sort of true…ok, lets be honest it is complete and utter bull-….dust. There may be the odd spoiler lurking within the following paragraphs…but we assume if you are reading LotR fanfiction you have read the books, or at least seen the movie! The rating for this piece is W-O-A (whacked out audiences only, and those not whacked out should be accompanied by someone who is!). We claim no responsibility for the removal of sanity from any party indulging in this fic. Thank you and good night...bzzt.
____And Finally, the Fic!!!___
The feminine side, or 'Never send a man to do a woman's job!'
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Frodo's Journal:
The party is distraught. Gandalf our leader has left, parted, gone … pegged it. He will always be remembered as our compassionate friend and determined leader. From here on out, in his honorable memory we will be know as the fellowship of Gandalf. Hey Pippin this is my journal and I can write what I want to! No don't tell Aragorn…Pippin come here I was joking!! But I digress…it can no longer be the fellowship of the ring for Gandalf is not here. The fellowship is breaking. Instead we will be know as the fellowship of the ring minus one. We must continue on our journey now, even if our hearts are filled with lead. Heavy hearted…get it? Err yes you get the picture. Night draws near.
Legolas's Journal:
It's not fair! What does Aragorn mean by getting us up in the middle of the right to run down a mountain in the rain in hosiery! I can't run in these heels! Wait a second, I don't wear heels…actually, I don't think they even have heels in middle earth. Hmmm…
My brain is quite addled what with the yells of the orcs that pursued us down the slopes. Of course, we're well out of their way now, and stopping for Pippin to eat. Does that hobbit ever cease stuffing his face? It's quite appalling. In any case, we're camped on the outskirts of a pretty little wood at the moment. It's a very…feminine looking wood, if there can be such a thing. There are many pretty little flowers, and small furry critters…actually its rather sickening. Still, Aragorn insists we must venture into it once we are finished with our 'second breakfast'. I am uneasy…there is a foul stench on the air…and for once it isn't Gimli. It smells like cheap French perfume.
Do we have cheap French perfume in middle earth? Are we even supposed to know where France is?
Gimli's journal:
With war axe in hand we traipsed silently into the woods, hoping to find some game to catch and eat. However, we were only faced with small, furry and decidedly bony critters, which tend to block my windpipe and cause a nasty bout of gas. Legolas was looking somewhat perplexed as we entered the wood, kept on staring at his feet, damn sissy elf boy. He should have a man's weapon… like a war axe! That'll teach him to fight. For some reason unbeknownst to me we stopped suddenly in a pretty little glade that smells like perfume… or cat urine… either one. There was a purple misty fog that hung in the air and tasted like strawberry kisses, or so pippin told me. Trust Pippin to be sampling the taste of the fog. Arr were going to continue on… who died and made that Aragorn boss anyway? Oh yeah…the whole Gandalf Vs Balrog deal…
Aragorn's Journal:
We've been keeping on through this torrid purple fog for some time now. It is difficult to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Actually, that is not strictly true…I can see a light…it is very bright, and heart shaped. Disturbing…
Aragorn's Journal (some time later)
The hobbits slumber peacefully on silken purple cushions around me. My comrades have all been asleep since I woke up. They're backs are to me, so I cannot see if they are as disturbed as myself, however they all seem to be making peaceful little sighing noises, and I have the sneaking suspicion that Gimli is sucking his thumb. This place seems to put everyone at ease, except myself! I cannot sleep, I have continuous visions of the woman who brought us here…captured us more like it!
I left you, dear journal, in the midst of the purple fog and heart-shaped- light. Soon after that, the fog parted, and a woman stepped into the area. To put her in one word…purple. To put her into two words…purple purple. Her hair was purple, her eyes were purple, her skin had a purplish- hue…which made her look rather unwell…her…err…'costume' was purple, and even the strange beast she rode upon was purple. Before we had time to draw our weapons in defense, she drew her own purple bow , and said in a distinctly lavendery voice:
"Welcome to the wood of the lost. Are you lost?"
We blinked. The wood of the lost? Hey wait a minute…isn't this supposed to be Galadriel's realm?
"Silence mortal!" She screamed at me, upon hearing my thoughts "You are ruining my plot! Honestly!" she looked somewhat huffy "My name, is lady fanfictionus…but you may call me..."
'Purple?' Sam muttered, and the other hobbits snickered. Legolas kicked them to get them to shut up. It obviously didn't pay to mock this…fanfictionus woman. She began to speak again:
"You have trespassed into my wood, and now you are laughing at me! This is too much, I declare! You mock me, for being a woman?"
'No good lady…' Boromir replied 'We mock you for your apparent obsession with the color purp-'
But before he could utter another word, she had drawn silky arrows from her quiver, and fired at each of us in turn. I gasped as Legolas fall to the floor, then Gimli, the four hobbits, and Boromir. As the arrow hit my chest, I felt nothing but a strange inner glow…I looked down, but I saw no blood, and the arrow seemed to disintegrate, leaving a purple mist, and the scent of cheap French perfume…whatever that is. Before long we were all of us out cold, and when we awoke…we were here. In this err…prison. Well, at least the décor is nice…
Sam's journal:
Master Frodo ... Master Frodo are you awake?? Master Fro…
Mistress Frodo?
I know you always said you wanted to get in touch with your feminine side but this is taking it just a smidgen too far. But I must say you look rather delicious in that fawn gown… no wait what am I saying… Really Master Frodo what has happened? You look… you look… like a girl!!
Frodina's Journal:
…I feel very…top heavy. I also feel the need to go wash my hair, which is absurd, considering I don't have much hair. Hang on what's this stuff hanging from my head…? It's hair, feminine hair…did I sleep with someone? No wait it's mine. And why oh why am I wearing a garter? Not that it isn't rather attractive, of course…I know … I'm dreaming… that's right wakey-wakey Frodo your having an absurd dream about… about… no I don't want to think what this dream is about! Sam, please keep those sexist chauvinistic comments to yourself! But on that subject you look rather aesthetically pleasing yourself…
Boromella's Journal:
I awoke to the sound of the young hobbits having a tiff about something. I noticed that their voices appeared squeakier than usually. Very queer. When I raised my eyes to the scene, a drastic change seemed to have come over both Frodo and Samwise…
For a start, they seemed to be cross-dressing…
Wait a second, they AREN'T cross-dressing! They're…girls? When I inquired as to what in the hell they were playing it, they took one look at me and fell over laughing. I could distinguish several words between their peals of mirth:
"You…look…like a…drag queen!"
Wracked with terror, I traversed our brothel-like prison, searching for a mirror of some description. Finally, I discovered one, lying, half broken, in a dusty corner. Bending over it, I inspected my face.
I never noticed what fine bone structure I had before…
Mary's Journal:
By now everyone, to their great dismay, has discovered that they are of the fairer sex. None are to pleased. fanfictionus entered the prison in a cloud of purple smoke sitting upon a cushion of … purple. She said 'To punish you for entering my wood, uninvited' she glared at us 'I have decided to turn you all into females for an indeterminate period of time. I also feel that, quite frankly there are not enough female protagonists in the lord of the rings. Girls can wear jeans…and cut their hair short! Wear shirts, and boots…'cause it's okay to be a boy…but for a boy to look like a girl is degrading! 'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading. But secretly, you'd love to know what it's like, wouldn't you? What it feels like for a girl…Do you know, what it feels like for a girl in this world?'. She struck a dramatic pose. We all looked at each other, confusion written on every extremely pretty face…excluding Gimli. "So I am setting you free to travel in the world with only the most attractive female bodies" she continued, and looked at Gimli…Gimlina 'except for maybe you'. Then she vanished in another puff of smoke… can we all guess what color it was? The prison vanished around us, too, and we were left in the middle of the clearing, corsets and all. Rude bitch, I thought to myself.
Legolassy's Journal:
At this point in time, I'd like to state that I'm really rather peeved. I've always been proud of my hair. When I was small, my father would say, "Legolas, your hair is beautiful! Never cut it, son!". And so, seeing as the rest of the fellowship were equipt with long hair in their female forms, I figured I wouldn't have changed all that much…except for some added fatty deposits here and there.
But I was wrong! They've cut it all off! I HAVE A BOB! I look…cute. Cuter than before…
The rest of the fellowship are trying to take it in their stride. I think Aragornia is finding it the hardest to take. He…She is used to being this macho, ranger, can't touch me, kinda guy…and now he's all effete and delicate. I heard Gimlina mutter "Pansy" at him, but I don't think he heard. Had he heard, Gimlina would have a few slap marks across that barmaid face of hers.
The odd thing about this whole female deal, is that it seems to be affecting our brains. We are more alert, more sensitive to danger…and a little while ago Mary made Pippette cry. It happened when Pip announced she was hungry, and Mary called her a fat pig. Very upsetting. But honestly, I do agree in some respects…Pip could do with some calorie counting, don't you think?
It's a shame middle-earth doesn't have a jenny Craig…I'd be sending Gimlina off fourth with.
Gimlina's Journal:
We left the wood at sundown to cross the plain, and continue on our journey to find somewhere comfortable to sleep with possibly a few cute guys. And Aragornia keeps on talking about a ring… and some evil lord. But really she should just take a chill pill. I think violence is not the way to solve problems. If we all sat down and discussed our issues the greater problems in life would be solved. Like famine, and the logging of all those ancient forests by those orcs…such a shame…but if they see the error of their ways they might stop what they are doing and we will become a more connected unit! We shall work together as a whole! But hush darl's something draws close.
Aragornia's Journal:
The orcs came, flooding into our small resting place like bats out of hell. They surrounded us in seconds…it appears Frodina was too busy picking flowers and making daisy chains, to check on sting and see what the story was with upcoming attacks. I brandished my weapon, which appears to have become a lot heavier…my wrists are aching. The head orc, if there can be such a thing, stepped forward and grunted in a most unladylike manner…possibly because it wasn't a lady. I backed away somewhat, bumping into Pip, whose bottom lip trembled, as she began to cry. I apologized, trying to shut the whining baby up. Honestly, some people just don't know the do's and don'ts of reasonable society.
The orcs drew closer, and I gulped. I feared this may be the end, so I did what any typical hero-…ine would do, and sat down, hands clasped to my heart, uttering a few silent words of prayer.
Then, completely unexpectedly, Gimlina stepped forward.
"Guys…." She drawled in that barmaid tongue of hers. I kicked her, she swallowed and smiled cordially "Gentlemen! I honestly do not think violence is not the way. Now, obviously, you are distressed that we have wasted so many of your noble comrades back in the mines…"
They looked perplexed, but did not attack.
"But I assure you," Gimlina continued "We have seen the error of our ways! Ours is not the path of violence and hatred, we prefer peace…" she coughed "and love!"
By this time, Legolassy was eyeing Gimlina with an extremely perturbed expression. As a matter of fact, we all were. What did she think that war axe of hers was for? Chopping vegetables?
Finally, she finished, with "So, to conclude…would you like to stay for a little toasted wild pig? We caught some earlier…it would be real grand for you to stay and have some!"
There was a silence. I could see it in the orc's faces, the teetering between cordially accepting, and smashing the hell out of us.
Then…the head orc bowed, and kissed Gimlina's hand. "It would be…" he croaked "our pleasure."
Samantha's Journal:
Well I must say, when you sit down all civilized like and talk to those orcs, you can make quite a connection with them. Granted their table manners leave a lot to be desired but you can't have everything. The orcs left after we had finished our lovely folk dancing display, in which mistress Frodina excelled exceptionally and caught the eye of quite a few of the more brazen young Orcs. We then got our quota of beauty sleep, though some are beyond help in that respect…and headed off bright and early after a quick organized breakfast and a brief wash in a pool of muddy water. It's amazing what happens to your hair in the space of one night. But a few flowers behind your ear and you feel like spring is here again. See my soon to be published book "Feminine touches by Samantha Gamgee". But anyway we came up to another forest-gawd this place is full of forests, what we need are some more fields of lush green grass dotted with pretty pink and yellow, and orange, and blue, and purple… no wait not purple…flowers.
Pipette's Journal:
The golden wood, or lothlorien is simply beautiful. In fact, its so stunning the first time I laid my eyes upon it…it…made me cry. Mary unkindly called me a crybaby, but Frodina comforted me, and told Mary to stop being a bitch. We passed through the wood awhile without being noticed, but were soon intercepted by some rather sexy elf guys. They had this whole macho-thing going…but Gimlina soon had them wrapped around her little finger…wait no, large fatty finger. She insists it is her bone structure, but I think not. Legolassy caught the eye of more than one elvish archer, but I doubt they'll be shooting anything her way. She remains somewhat aloof, but always rather pleasant and companionable.
The elvish gaurds took us to meet the elf-witch, queen Galadriel. We were all rather honored to be in her presence actually, and she's aged rather well all things considered. I wonder what skin care products she uses. Anti-wrinkle cream, perhaps?
Boromella seemed very uneasy in her presence…so did Frodina. I heard her hiss at Frodina "welcome, Frodina, one who has seen the pie!"
I blinked, and grinned excitedly "They have pie here?"
Boromella's Journal:
The lady Galadriel makes me very uneasy. She spoke to me in my mind, she said that I am only a link in the chain of the fellowship…but if I should fall, so should we all. It is true, I've been having…impure thoughts regarding the ring. I want it…it is…so beautiful. It's really a lovely piece of jewelry…it goes with everything! And look, I'm sure that's at least 24 carat gold. I need it…I lust after it. And I feel so terrible about keeping this from my comrades.
So, I called us all together for a 'pow wow'. Gimlina lit some aromatherapy candles, and we all did breathing exercises for a little while. Finally, I dropped my bombshell.
"Guys…girls…I've been meaning to tell you something…"
"Tell us, tell us Boromella!" "Yes, tell us thy woes!"
I coughed "Hi, I'm Boromella, and I'm a ring-a-holic."
Many tears later, we had it all worked out. Frodina and the gang promised to be very supportive of me, and said they would never desert me. I in turn, said that if I ever had problems with ring-obsession again, I would come clean, and steps would be taken to stop me. That ring does bad things to people…no matter how much makeup you put on, it can distort you and make you really rather ugly.
We ended the proceedings with a group hug, which was rather lovely considering Aragornia is usually loath to show that sort of affection. We then got Galadriel up, and had a slumber party. She showed us some really neat tricks…she has this mirror that can show you all this cool stuff! When I looked in there, I saw all of us…happy together, minus the ring.
Frodina's vision made us all laugh…she saw Gimlina dressed as a MAN! Ehehehehe!
Mary's Journal:
We left the wood today. Galadriel gave us some really neato parting gifts, Frodina got a cool shiny crystal thingy, which was all glimmery and sparkly, the rest of us got gray hessian cloaks. For an elf she has really bad fashion sense, but they had a cool clasp on them that looked like a leaf. Real emeralds, too, I think. And I swear when Pip put hers on I couldn't see her, then she reappeared! Then we had to travel down the river in these really ancient looking bark canoes. I was really scared but Boromella said not to worry as I could go with her and she wouldn't let anything happen to me, which is really nice considering we aren't the best of friends. She hangs out a lot with the really popular group, so it's good that she is crossing the border and changing stereotypes. But, anyhoo we were going down this really cold, blue river and then all of a sudden this waterfall jumps out in front of us and scares us silly! We nearly fell down it but were lucky and thanks to the great skills of Boromella we were a-o-k and relatively unhurt. Mind you someone should sue that waterfall for jumping out and scaring us like that… I mean jeeze.
Legolassy's Journal:
We camped on the bank of the river. Some orc's and their little friends (Sauraman's lackeys…I think) dropped in for tea again. Gimlina charmed the pants off them, as usual…although I hope not literally. She and I are beginning to see eye to eye now, we're even taking a stab at friendship. It all came to pass when she gave me an honest opinion about this new thing I'm trying with my hair…
Evidently washing it in mud, is not a good look.
So there we were, camped out on the banks. The orcs and co. had left some time ago, and we were just about ready to call it a night, and get some sleep before crossing into Mordor tomorrow. Boromella 'came out' again, telling us the ring was really bothering her tonight, so we put her to bed early with a nice cup of herbal tea (Aragornia sure is a whiz with these herby thingys).
Suddenly, as Frodina was looking into the distance, she began to tremble all over. I shook her gently, and ask, all concerned, what was wrong. She informed me that danger was coming, and she felt strange…
I put it down to PMS, and ignored her.
But sure enough, then I began to sense it…a slight blurring of the horizon, the clatter of hooves on rock.
The ring wraith was approaching.
We were all on our toes a little quicker than last time, and ducked for cover. Pip sniffled, threatening to cry again…but Mary clamped a hand over her mouth to shut her up. It was not until we were all hidden, and the rider had appeared in the clearing, that we realized something…
Gimlina was asleep slap bang in the middle of the clearing!
The rider stopped, paused, sniffed the air. It dismounted, and trod over to Gimlina. With sword raised high above it's ugly, faceless head (or hood) it snarled.
I couldn't stand it…Gimlina…the one person to give me an honest opinion about my hair, could NOT perish! I ran out into the clearing, trying to stop the rider…
I was paralysed with fear…but I told myself, W.W.G.D…what would Gimlina do?
Frodina, and the other hobbits stepped out with me, so too did Aragornia. We were ready.
"I uh…I don't think you should do that…mr..ring wraith.."
"Sir.." added Pipette shakily.
"Yes," I acknowledged "It would be a mistake. You see…we have all changed so much since last we met your kind…we have…been transformed.."
I could have sworn the wraith looked down at our chests then, but I could be mistaken.
"…you see, we do not wish for war and hatred!" I was getting the hang of this now "This little ring…it's causing us all so much anguish and pain…don't you think it would be better…for the good of the whole of middle earth, if it were to be destroyed?"
Frodina nodded, and added "Yes, all I want is world peace!".
The wraith looked startled. It cocked it's hooded head to one side, and seemed to contemplate the scenario. Quietly, it laid its sword down beside Gimlina and nodded slowly.
"You are a slave to your master Sauron…" Aragornia pitched in. "Break free! You can do it…oh extremely scary one! Revert to your former…form…your humanity. Noble…and true…"
Now the Wraith was really confused, it coughed. Quietly, it mounted it's beast, and stood looking at us. It seemed to be incapable of speech, but from it's body language, I gathered it had taken what we said to heart. Silently, it rode off into the sunset. The sunset said "ouch".
Storytellers note:
Seenbean:
And so, the fellowship…or lassy-ship, as they now should be known, avoided the darkrider of Mordor. Also, the lassy-ship did not split, as they're male counterparts did in the alternate-version of this tale. No indeed, Frodina and Aragornia had a 'pow wow' and decided it was all for the best if they stuck together, through and through, and helped each other out in this quest for world peace. Boromella was not slain by hideous creatures from Isengaurd, indeed she prospered, and continued with the lassy-ship, down into Mordor…
Shadowfax:
They had many adventures, trials and tribulations (and some cat-fights) but because of their truce with the ring wraiths and the orcs the path was indeed, less bloodthristy and expect for the occasional bout of PMS, non- violent. Yes they discovered new things in the world (like the use of herbs in washing your hair – more environmentally friendly and a lot more effective than mud) and made new friends (but there was that very close incident with the Ents… but that is another story). Only to find themselves at the threshold of Mount Doom. And so we join our heroic lassy-ship in their final quest for breaking the ring; resulting in world peace.
Samantha's Journal:
This whole adventurer heroine thing was getting pretty dull, it was ages since I had eaten properly and even longer since I had seen, let alone used, a normal toilet. But we persevered, and here we are at the gates of Mount Doom. Mount. Doom…what a name, I think I will suggest to Mr. Sauron about something more inviting and airy and appealing to all… like Mount. Flower, or just drop the whole mountain thing and call it…Hollyworth…or something. Anyway the names not that important, the décor in here is really unpleasant. Obviously he doesn't have many guest, or visitors… or friends full stop. Anyway here we are and everyone is feeling very brave and manly… strange that… and once we have destroyed this ring we all have different plans. Legolassy and Gimlina are going to get a condo somewhere near Mirkwood. Aragornia and Boromella plan to return to Gondor to find their manliness, and then rule side by side (like that will ever happen)! Us hobbits…well we all plan to settle down in the shire with a family of our own… with a lovely hobbity husband…wife…goat… whatever… and plant vegetables.
Aragornia's Journal:
We climbed the perilous slopes of Mt. Doom. Oddly, it was quite under- populated. Not a ring wraith or orc to be seen. Which was unfortunate, I really fancied a tea party.
But population and tea parties aside, the climb was very difficult. Legolassy ripped her lovely green gown, and the hobbits got very dirty…
Mary threw some sand at Pippette…who cried.
Finally, we managed to reach the peak of the mountain. Far ahead of us, a black archway could be seen. Was that, a figure in the opening? No, perhaps not.
We traversed on. It was incredibly hot, and we were all rather vexed that we were not able to shed our bodices and just walk around in skirts. However, I feel we made the right decision in not doing that.
We reached the archway. And there stood Sauron…the dark lord himself.
He wanted the ring. He did not have to say it, we knew. His lust for it was strong…stronger than Boromella's, or Bilbo's, Gollum's or the ring wraiths. He needed it, he longed for it with every fiber of his being.
But we would not give it up.
It must be destroyed, we told him. We did not come all this way, in the wind and the rain and the horrible humidity just to be turned away by an evil dark lord with an ego problem. No, we were made of sterner stuff. Gimlina explained her 'world peace' theory, helped out by Legolassy. Still the lord did not speak.
I caught Frodina's gaze…I whispered "take the ring…run past him…throw it into the fire!"
And so the hobbit ran…
Lucky Gimlina was distracting Sauron with her rendition of the hula.
Frodina's Journal:
I ran. Boy did I run. It was like that time when we were being chased by a really horny bunch of orcs, only scarier and more life threatening. On the other hand, I probably could have walked past him and he wouldn't have noticed. He was entranced by Gimlina's fat rolls jiggling as she danced the dance of the seven veils. Legolassy accompanied her on the banjo. Samantha, Pip, and Mary squatted in time, performing their traditional hobbit dance, used only on special occasions. Aragornia and Boromella looked somewhat disturbed. I ran through the archway, and down the crumbling black path to the firey pit that was the center of Mt. Doom. I stood on the edge…gazing at the ring in my hand. The ring, we had come so far to protect it…but now it would leave us forever, dissolved in the fires that forged it in the first place. I raised my hand, and tossed it upwards. It glittered and sparkled as it was thrown up. It tumbled heavily in the sky and slowly descended in to the volcanic hot molten larva. I had a sudden urge to jump after it, but before I had the chance it had disappeared and was gone from our lives forever. I turned to see Sauron's reaction. He looked liquefied, sort of see through, the air around him grew heavy and clung to him like a wet jacket, He began to melt slowly, like hot candy, or sugary toffee. Then he disappeared in a puff of purple smoke. There in his place stood … fanfictionus? What was she doing here? I was about to give her a piece of my mind when she spoke
'I see you have triumphed!' she smirked 'ladies. Yes you are right, I am the evil dark lord Sauron and my attempt to turn you into girls was to stop you from succeeding in your quest for world peace.' We all looked at her. Why did she turn us into girls?? Wouldn't goats have been more appropriate? Everyone knows women are the ones who get things done. You'd never see goats destroying a ring, digesting it yes, destroying it, no. She glared at us reading out thoughts
'This is my plot. I know it is as full of holes as swiss cheese, but I like it. And hey it was pretty amusing for all you readers out there…' Then her expression changed 'But now I feel it is time to change you back to your former … form'.
Gimlina made a face 'do I have to?'
But she did not answer. When I looked at Legolas his hair had returned to it's former beauty and length, and certain fatty deposits had disappeared, on all of us. Then in a cloud of purple smoke, fanfictionus disappeared to harass Harry Potter.
Pippin's Journal:
I turned to the guys.
"So…who's for a pint?"
_____________________THE END________________