It had been just over a month since the Promised Day. The colonel's eyesight had been restored, but it had taken time for them to readjust. Perhaps since it was a transgression healed by a transgression, but at any rate it had taken longer than he had wanted.
With Grumman as fuhrer, he and Riza had been able to relax a little bit in their relationship. It's not that the team didn't know before now, it was just that the colonel and the lieutenant did everything they could to keep their men uninformed. If the fraternization was every found out, the rest of the team wouldn't go down with them. Mustang and Hawkeye would protect those men to the death, and this situation was no different.
But at least they were able to leave the office together every day. Roy could walk to her apartment without worrying. They weren't stupid, of course. Grumman couldn't protect them if there was documented evidence, after all. No kissing in public, no thoughtless workplace affection, no breaches in protocol. But they no longer did they fear every stranger who caught them in their lingering gazes. It had been a good change of pace for them, a more peaceful feeling.
At least, it had been at first. Then Riza's dreams returned. Since the eastern conflict, they had never been far from her. But over the years she had learned to quiet them, to keep them at bay. In the wake of the chaos and destruction of the Promised Day, the sleeping giants that had been kept quiet after years of practice suddenly raised their heads, all at once.
It started on a calm evening, without warning. It had been a night like any other. Roy woke in fright, with Riza sobbing next to him. He shook her and called her name until she woke up, and when she did, uncharacteristic weakness pooled in her deep, brown eyes. Night after night, they haunted her. It was no different than before. Except, the dreams weren't about Ishval this time.
"This is pure hatred, and I will not let it take you! You're better than that... I know you're better... Please, colonel, don't go where I can't follow!"
For one, brief, fleeting moment, her unfailing colonel addressed her. "Lieutenant... Hawkeye... Riza, I am so sorry, but I have to do this. For Maes. You have to understand. You can't follow me anymore, lieutenant. Don't follow me here, Riza."
And in a movement consumed by hatred, perpetrated by someone who was nothing like her Roy Mustang, he snapped and flames shot towards Edward's arm, towards the homunculus who had murdered his best friend.
That was it. He had abandoned her. She had no choice. She had promised him. Whether or not he remained loyal to her, she would remain loyal to her promise. Edward needed to fight if Amestris was to survive. He needed his arm. The Roy she followed, the Roy she so dearly loved, was gone. He had been taken from her. He had veered from his path, and she had her duty.
Her quivering gun steadied instantaneously. Riza didn't close her eyes. She didn't even blink. She pulled the trigger and watched his body fall. Her only reason for living, her life, her love. She shot him. The flames that threatened Edward collapsed with him. She had saved the boy, and killed whatever monster had taken over her colonel. It's what he would have wanted.
She vaguely felt Ed's golden eyes staring at her, wide with confusion, innocence, and betrayal.
"L-lieutenant Hawkeye?" He sounded like a little child. She almost felt the urge to smile, so glad that the young alchemist didn't understand. No one should understand this. "No... You didn't... You couldn't.. C-colonel? Colonel! COLONEL!"
Her sniper's eyes also saw Scar in the background, his posture unchanged. His folded arms and cold glance indicated that he believed she had done the right thing. This was of no comfort.
Edward threw Envy to the side and rushed towards Roy's fallen, lifeless figure. Envy screamed as he flew though the air.
Once again, the lieutenant didn't hesitate. She took aim. She fired. The homunculus fell, just like the colonel. Envy needed to die, but it would have been wrong for Roy to kill him.
As the homunculus disintegrated, Riza's shield broke. She had killed him. The only man she had ever wanted. It was over. There was no future left for her. A terrifying, white-hot anger overtook her. She threw herself at the bleeding body she had given everything for. She held the still-warm Roy to her chest. Then she turned him around, held him at arm's length, and lost herself in his dead eyes.
"Colonel... Roy... ROY... you...YOU DAMN BASTARD, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? How could you... leave me here... all alone... DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU, I LOVED YOU SO MUCH! I FOLLOWED YOU INTO HELL, AND YOU HAVE LEFT ME HERE, ALL ALONE!"
Edward fell on his knees in front of Riza. "Lieutenant... how... could you?" Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. Riza knew that no matter how much they bickered, Edward and Roy had a special relationship. As if she needed one more thing to feel guilty about, she knew that she had robbed the young alchemist of his only real role model.
"Edward," her eyes were full of fire, a kind of fire that only Roy could produce. "I vowed to him that if he strayed from the path that led to a real future, I would execute him. It's as simple as that. This right here," her voice cracked as she indicated the body, "This isn't a man who can lead Amestris."
That ended her explanation. Lowering her eyes from Edward, she allowed herself to fall deep into the pit of despair. She buried her face in Roy's uniform, taking in as much of his smell as she could. He smelled like firewood and sincerity, like power and soot. If only she could have pulled him out. Wailing with everything in her, it was all she could do to memorize the feeling of the warmth that was quickly leaving the colonel.
As she screamed herself into oblivion, darkness engulfed her. A furious silence filled her ears, but not for long. Soon after the darkness came a dim light, and a faint voice. Familiar, anxious, growing stronger...
"Riza! Riza! RIZA!" She slowly became conscious of the damp sheets around her and the bright, deep, and thank God, living eyes of Roy Mustang. Even in the darkness of her bedroom, she could see the concern etched into his face. When he spoke, it was with hesitation, as though he was afraid a wrong word might break her.
"It... it happened again, didn't it? You killed me in your dream again, didn't you?"
Ah. She had been asleep. Of course. Lately, she killed him in her sleep at least twice a week. Different things happened in the nightmares. Sometimes Edward came after her, sometimes she had to explain it to the men, but always, always, she ended up alone. And yet, each time she dreamed it, she emerged from sleep in the arms of a man she believed she had killed. The interrupted sleep was starting to wear on them both, and she felt insane guilt for the trouble she was causing Roy.
Defeated, ashamed, damaged, Riza nodded. Roy looked at her tenderly, and sighed.
"I'm so sorry."
By then, the lieutenant had sunk fully into reality again. She felt cold and clammy, sweaty and chilled, sick to her stomach. She looked at him, his forehead crinkled like an old piece of paper. His movements that smelled of affection, not hate. He was the man she loved. He was not a monster, and she had not killed him. She hated herself for dreaming such things. How could she ever think that he would bring that upon her? What a foolish thing to think.
"Are you alright?" His voice was so soft. She wanted to wrap herself up in it like a blanket.
"I am now. Roy, I..."
"I know, Riza. But it isn't your fault. If I hadn't been such a damn fool, you would never dream things like this. Please, stop blaming yourself. You did what I asked you to do. You are the person I trust you to be, then and now. Oh, love, don't cry."
It was useless. The tears came. She sat up and pushed her face into his chest. "Why do I see those things, Roy? I know you would never leave me, but I was," she choked, "I was so... I was so scared!"
She stilled as he wrapped his arms around her. "I know, I know. It will never, ever happen again. I have seen hell, I have put you through the worst thing I could ever have. You deserve so much more than that. I will not let this fear take you from me. I love you. I loved you then, and when I was falling away from the path, it was love that pulled me back. You know that, don't you?"
She moved her head faintly at his chest, hoping to give him some sense of affirmation. He understood, and in return squeezed her tightly.
"Good. I want you to always remember that. When we were in hell together, it was you who brought me back. You didn't just follow me into hell, you led me out of it." He slipped his hand under her chin and tilted her face up towards his. "I am nothing without you."
Riza felt limp and weak. She didn't want to look at him, but she couldn't help herself. She needed him too much. Pleading, swollen eyes implored him to take the pain away. Tears were still flowing down her face. As the minutes went by, the tears kept flowing, but her hiccoughing sobs slowed down. Roy brushed her bangs out of her eyes. Looking into them with a deep, loving sincerity, he kissed her very softly. How could Riza refuse her raven-eyed love? She knew, deep down, that he was right, that in many ways, he was to blame for her dreams. But never, never would she fault him.
She would do the only thing she knew how to do: she would find comfort in his arms, and shelter in his affection. In return, he would find the same solace in her, when his walls crumbled around him. Equivalent exchange, after all. In all of their pain and struggle, it was all they could do to squeeze a little happiness out of one another.
When they broke from their kiss, she smiled very faintly.
Relieved, Roy sighed. "Do you think you can fall back asleep?"
With a lingering sniffle, Riza nodded and shuffled back under the covers. She felt Roy lay down next to her, and hold her close. She knew he wouldn't relax until he could feel her sleeping, so she closed her eyes and tried, for real, to memorize his scent as she drifted off to sleep. He smelled of firewood and sincerity, of ashes and love. Love for her. No nightmare, no matter how deep or deceiving, could change that.