The Missed Kiss
Disclaimer: I do not own the X Files
Note: Post 'Sixth Extinction: Part 2' pre 'Hungry'
She didn't kiss him. Mulder stared after her as she walked to the elevator at the end of his hall. He had felt it coming it was the moment they had said everything but the three words that they both knew.
When her lips moved from his forehead he was so sure she would kiss him. Instead her thumbs found his lips and caressed them. She looked sad and full of love and then the moment passed.
She put his hat back on and told him to rest and she left. Just like that she was gone. For some reason this made Mulder mad. He didn't understand why. It had been a long time coming and they both could see they were ready. He suddenly felt lightheaded and went to go sit down.
He would go to the office and confront her about it. That is what he would do! She would have no choice but to talk about it if he just brought it up. The truth they had been dancing around for years. As he began to think of what he would say his eyes began to get heavy and he thought maybe a few minutes of sleep would do him some good. Just a few minutes and then he would go.
He smelled the smell of chicken noodle soup and heard someone moving around in his kitchen. His eyes opened to see a covered bowl of soup in front of him. He looked up to see Scully walking into the living room with two mugs of steaming tea.
"Good you're up." She said as she sat one down in front of him and took the chair opposite the couch.
Mulder was still out of sorts. He looked around confused knowing he had been thinking of something important that he had to do but he could not for the life of him remember what.
"I put the plate on the soup to keep it warm for you but if it's not I can reheat it." She said.
His eyes went to the bowl in front of him and he suddenly became very hungry. He took the spoon beside the bowl, uncovered it, and began to eat.
"After you're done I'll need to change your bandages." She said.
Then it came to him. Diana's death, his declaration to Scully, and their almost kiss. He put the spoon down in the bowl and looked up at her. She looked back for a second waiting for him to say something and cocked her head.
"What?"
"What? Seriously Scully? Come on." He said sounding slightly more irritated than he had meant to.
"You don't want your bandages changed? Mulder grow up I know it is not fun and the ointment hurts but you will get infected."
"That is not what I am talking about!"
"Ok then what are you talking about?" He could feel similar irritation sneaking into her voice now.
"I think you know."
The genuine confusion on her face told him that she, in fact, did not know.
He threw his hands up and threw himself back against the couch covering his face. As soon as he did this sharp pain shot through his head and he realized it was a mistake.
"Ouch!" He exclaimed his hand going to the back of his head.
Scully put down her tea and rushed over. She gently moved his head forward to and pulled up the bandages a bit to take a look. As Scully went about her work checking his injuries he felt small sparks wherever her fingers touched him. A sense of calm came over him. This was the usual again. Getting hurt and Scully fussing over him. It was so natural and nice that he again almost forgot what he wanted to discuss with her.
He batted away her hands.
"Why did you walk away?" He looked right into her eyes.
This time Scully still seemed confused but he could see slight recognition in her eyes.
"Walk away when?" She asked.
"A few hours ago when you came to see me!"
"Mulder that was yesterday. You've been asleep for a day and a half." She said with a small smile. "It probably did you some good too."
He just looked at her confused.
She smiled kindly, "I came by last night to check on you and found you here asleep. You were sitting up so I came and helped you to lie down. You woke up half way and mumbled for a few minutes but went right back to sleep. I stayed here to watch you and took a day off to make sure you were ok."
Mulder began to feel bad about his earlier irritation as she explained this. No one else would care for him like she did.
"Thank you." He mumbled looking down at his hands.
"Now what were you talking about? Cause you were saying something similar when I helped you to lie down. You were talking in your sleep an awful lot."
His face reddened and he wondered what he had confessed in his state of unconsciousness. He took a deep breath and pushed ahead.
"Why did you walk away from me when you came to tell me about Diana?"
He saw her flinch slightly at the mention of the dead woman's name. Anyone who didn't know Scully would have missed it.
"I had to go back to work Mulder."
He could tell she didn't believe it as soon as the words came out of her mouth and he didn't believe it either.
"You know what I mean Scully."
"You keep saying that Mulder but I don't know what you mean! If you would stop being so cryptic and stop playing games for one moment and just be strait forward maybe I would!" She looked at him intensely daring him to say it.
"Fine. Why didn't you kiss me? I could tell you wanted to and I wanted you to but you just left!"
A silence filled the room. Not an uncomfortable silence but a tense one.
"You really want to know?"
He nodded.
"Because I can't go there Mulder. It is too painful. Yes I wanted to kiss you but I realized that the time for such things has passed. Too much has happened."
Now Mulder was confused. "What are you talking about?"
She looked at him and he could tell that what was coming next was going to hurt.
"There was a time when I would wait for that moment to come. I thought about it a lot and how things would go but then… Mulder something became clear to me around the time Jeffery Spender died. I realized that my voice was not most important to you and that when it came down to it my voice was not the most trusted either. I know you love me Mulder but if we are going to take the leap to something more than we have been I can't be second."
He took her hands still not quite understanding what she meant.
"Scully you are first you always have been."
She shook her head. "No Mulder. I haven't always been. When I came to you with concerns and some proof that Diana may have been part of my abduction you flat out refused to even entertain that it could be true. And when I told you I was walking away you just let me. Diana is dead and despite her treachery she helped in the end but I know that you would have chosen her over me in a heartbeat." Her face grew red for a moment and she shook her head a couple times, "I don't mean… I don't mean romantically necessarily I mean as a partner and confidant. When it came down to it you would rather have her as a partner."
She looked up to see his pain filled face and quickly continued. "I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. What's happened happened and that is fine but if you are saying you want to be more than what we are now I have to say no Mulder. It doesn't matter how much I want it."
This, of course is the moment Scully's cell phone rings from across the room. She doesn't meet his eyes as she gets up to get it.
Mulder is leaning forward with his head in his hands. He has no idea what to say. She has given all of that a lot more thought than he did. All that he knows is that he has loved Scully the whole time. Of course he cared and trusted Diana but he didn't love her anymore. It was always Scully. He didn't hear anything of her conversation and doesn't notice her sitting down.
"Eat your soup." She says handing him the spoon.
They sit in silence for a little while as he eats and tries to think of what to say. Scully just drinks her tea and looks off wondering if she was wrong in telling him all of that. Telling him all of her deepest insecurities about their relationship that have plagued her since she met Diana.
Mulder finishes his soup and leans back on the couch.
"Dana…" he says and he immediately has her attention by using her first name. "I don't know what to say except that it has always been you. Diana was there and I know any kind of life with her would have been easy and in a way boring. Being with her would take no risk. I wasn't in love with her and hadn't been for almost a decade. I can't explain what happened. But I know that when I was laying on that table after being operated on I was being shown visions of what joining her and the smoking man would have been like. They showed a life that had all of the dead in my life come back. Living in a nice neighborhood and growing old."
He purposefully skipped the part about having a family with Diana knowing the heartbreak it would cause Scully, "The whole time I felt happy but uncomfortable. Something was wrong but every time I questioned it there would be some other distraction. Finally things turned kind of dark and I was at the end of my life. Smokey was there and I kept asking about where everyone was and he told me everyone was dead. I asked about you and he said you died a long time ago but then you appeared there and told me all of that was a lie. They were trying to confuse me and distract me but you were there and I knew that all of it was fake because any perfect life would include you." He looked down at his hands feeling a prickling in his eyes that he wanted to hide from her. "I am sorry I acted like an ass. Even when I let you walk out you still didn't give up on me. I've said it before but I want you to hear it again: I owe you everything. You are the only one I can count on always and in return I fail you. Whatever you decide about you and I, just know that you have always been the only one."
He finally looked at her and saw she had covered her face. He removed her hands to see small tear tracks down her face. He could feel the wetness on his own face. He leaned forward and kissed her cheek stopping one small tear on its way down.
"I'm sorry." He said looking down at their intertwined fingers.
He felt her hand on his cheek. "Give me time. Wherever things go I will never leave." She kissed his forehead just as she had the day before and then began to tenderly unwrap his bandages.
He laughed a small laugh at her nursing.
"Well I know I have said it before but maybe you will listen this time: I love you Dr. Scully."
"I love you too Mulder." She said with a smile running her hand down his cheek.
She vacated the couch to get the supplies needed to care for his wounds and Mulder sat back with a smile. Things were going to be ok as long as they were together.