We rarely got time to just stop and enjoy the moment these days. Dan loves the fast paced world we have created for ourselves, being swept along on an exciting tide of popularity which we had never anticipated. He was like a puppy high on life and couldn't get enough of it. I love it too of course I do it's a dream come true, but sometimes I just need this, to step back go back to my roots and connect with the natural world I love so much.
Standing leaning against the weather blasted old dry stone wall next to my towering best friend taking in the steeply rolling and banking lush green fields, the distant sound of sheep drifting on the fragrant summer breezeI feel invigorated. This is the stillest I have seen Dan since I've known him, leaning with me the soft fingers of wind ruffling his shimmering silken brown mop and I feel a tug inside wishing it was my fingers grazing through his hair mussing it up, letting it slip into the natural waves and curls it wanted to. I love the way his gaze takes in the beauty laid out before him, as mine takes in his.
Dan shakes himself out of his reverie, "So Philip, have you got any more sheep you want to show me?", I laugh how could I think Daniel Howell would be entertained for any length of time by a few sheep and some trees. Hoping he thought the flush on my cheeks was because of the heat and not because my heart just couldn't help beat a little faster when I though about what I wish we could be. I grinned, put my hand on his shoulder and said in my best heavy northern twang, which wasn't difficult seeing as where I come from "come on then lad, lets find you some civilisation before you explode"
We wandered slowly down from the hills and just for his pleasure I pointed out every sheep we came across. By the time we reached the village Dan was not amused, "Ha ha very funny Phil that last sheep, it wasn't really called Flossy the Floozy now was it" rolling his eyes, but with a wicked twinkle in them all the same.
All the fresh air and hiking had tired us out, and given us an appetite. I guess our skinny limbs were more accustomed to assuming the browsing position on the sofa, or flicking through twitter and games on our phones. There wasn't much night life here not even a cafe open after 6.00p.m. I thought it's nice to get this short break away from our normal very interactive world much as we love it. The great holidays we got to go on even if most of them were working ones were fantastic but it was good to get away somewhere quiet where you could hear yourself think sometimes too. The hunger pangs came back, we needed 'scran' as Chris had informed Dan food was known 'up here', which of course Dan now insisted on calling it everywhere we went.
We decided to get a takeaway as there were a couple of them open at this ungodly hour of 7.30pm. We decided on Chinese, inside was warm and welcoming, better still it smelled good. We wandered back to our rented house swinging our bags of scran in a carefree way, until Dan nearly lost his on the upswing.
It had been a nice idea of Dan's to come here, the cottage is beautiful, made of local stone with a sturdy slate roof and big private garden, looking at the big oak tree at the bottom of the long lush lawn I had the most vivid image of Dan and I lying underneath it holding hands looking up through the softly swaying branches at the stars. I shivered feeling an unwelcome churning in the pit of my stomach and tried to push the image to the back of my mind.
Dan had said he knew I needed fresh air and the smell of unwashed wildlife now and then. He thought it would be good for him to come with me to clear his mind a bit and come up with some new stuff to talk about on his Youtube channel, and to make sure I didn't get into trouble with sheep "and stuff". We had been involved in so many other things lately that Youtube had taken a bit of a backseat.
Dan is so thoughtful even though he could be a sarcastic twat at times, his words not mine swearing just doesn't come naturally to me for some reason, there is love behind it. Sadly it's a platonic love, I've always had free range butterflies in my stomach for this boy but didn't realise it was anything more than deep friendship until he started to invade my dreams, he was there most nights making me reach out for Totoro in my sleep wishing it was someone else's warm body.
I had always been physically affectionate, and so was Dan, I loved the feeling of the sheer warmth and presence of him, but at first thought this was just a natural platonic need for closeness, people loved to be touched right? It was when I started getting shivers when his hand brushed my skin, it could be a finger tip or full face smash and it was like an electric shock that almost took my breath away. I had to admit to myself soon after that hetook my breath away.
Editing our collab videos had become a trial for me in some ways, the camera captures things too well sometimes, things the other person might miss in real time. I was afraid he'd notice the softening in my eyes when I looked at him...a little too long, the way I just couldn't help myself from leaning into him or collapsing into his lap when I embarrassed myself or he made me laugh too hard, and stayed there a little longer than necessary. I was sure I'd noticed the same sort of looks from Dan when looking through the footage, the eagerness to touch but I convinced myself I was just seeing what I so desperately wanted to see. The feelings were starting to tear me apart, my Daniel was so vibrant and loveable it could only be a matter of time before he moved on. I know he'd said I was his Biffle, which made me chuckle and melt inside, but come on he was going to hook up with someone eventually, properly hook up, move out buy a house have adorable babies, without me.
All these thoughts were flashing through my brain much faster than it seemed I was lost as we sat opposite each other cross legged on the floor. Using the big sofas at our backs only for support and stashing empty cartons on; eating our takeaway off the plain white china that Dan had insisted we used. People think I'm the OCD one, but if you took a look at our respective rooms you'd soon realise just how wrong you were. I was brought out of my slowly developing nightmare by sassy Dan clicking his fingers in front of my eyes, earth to Phil, come in Phil. "I was saying, Phil, why don't we buy a place together? We spend a fortune on rent and a mortgage wouldn't cost much more". Pardon? I spluttered confused, had I really not heard a word of what was sounding like the best sentence ever uttered by a human being. He was just being logical though I told myself. I could see his point from a purely financial standpoint. Plus living together had been a big bonus for our videos and other work. Even if we weren't doing a collab we'd often accidentally or on purpose video bomb each others stuff, and it just worked.
I tried to not look as if I had just been contemplating a sad lonely existence without my Danosaur by my side, which I'm sure was not a pretty sight. I coughed about to try and say something coherent, Dan leaned closer peering into my face, he stopped for a moment to brush a stray dot of sauce from my lip. Which I'm embarrassed to say made me tingle everywhere, and said sounding concerned "actually Philly you're not looking too good, are you ok? You're all sort of ghostly and sweaty looking and your pupils have done that Oo I've gone all huge and black thing they do when you're not wearing your glasses".
I tried to speak but not much more than an um and a squeak came out so I did the stupidest thing, I just gave a tiny "mew" and rawr hands. Dan laughed and playfully slapped the side of my head, you twit, but you would tell me if anything was wrong wouldn't you, shovelling a humongous forkful of noodles into his mouth. Apparently he wasn't letting my weird appearance drop entirely.
His beautiful rich brown eyes locked on mine and I just stared back, I felt like a rabbit caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. I managed to blurt out, sorry it's all the fresh sheep I'm getting, it's not agreeing with me as much as I though, I'd zoned out there for a minute what was that idea you had about us getting a pad together?
Dan looked relieved but continued to eye me warily as if expecting me to keel over at any moment. "Well" he continued, "I've been thinking, we've been besties for literally years and years now and I can't see us getting fed up of each other any time soon, plus we mostly work in the same places, go to the same events too, I thought it kind of made sense seeing as we already live together to make it, you know, official" he said that last bit with one of his inappropriate winks which made me laugh and almost spray coke out of my nose.
I felt as if he could almost read my mind, I'd been stressing about how he was going to outgrow me and move away and here he was suggesting just the opposite. I didn't want to get too excited by his suggestion, after all he was still quite young, even if he did have a burgeoning career most only dreamed of. Even if we bought a place together he still had plenty of time to find his true love and move out and I'd be left alone and either have to sell our home or take on a bigger mortgage, not to mention turn into a gibbering recluse after loosing my one true love.
My inner grown up, which I usually find quite hard to find kicked in and I voiced these thoughts to Dan praying that he would tell me not to be silly that we were going to grow old together and rattle around in it as two grumpy old men. I told him he would probably want to set up home with someone and make little Danosaurs at some point. I told him that although I loved moving and seeing new places I felt like the next move for me was to find somewhere I'd be happy with as a main base for several years at least and wouldn't want to have to move again if he left or take in a lodger who I didn't know. My mind was screaming please Dan say that's not a problem because you'll never leave me.
I notice the way he looked edgy, still and an unusual paleness to his usually rich toned skin, as if his world depended on my reaction. My eyes fixed on his mouth, and my pulse quickened as his full bottom lip puckered where a tooth just caught at it a little in a nervous gesture before releasing it again slightly moistened. All I wanted to do was lean in and press my lips against his, to cup my hand behind that slender oh so sensitive neck, melt into him and never let go. "So" he said, "you don't want to buy a house with me because I might at some distant time move out", "Well Philip, that sounds a little bit like an excuse to me".
He sounded light hearted and I crumbled inside, he's making a joke of it I thought knowing that Dan wouldn't risk bringing it up again. Why was he not giving me a counter argument, easing my concerns. I thought I knew the answer, Dan hated to think he'd made a mistake he set himself such high standards, he always had to win, to be the one who was right. I tried to splutter that what he thought was the opposite of what I was trying to say. That I was playing devils advocate, that I wanted us to continue to live together, I was just trying to make sure he had thought it through. Because the though pounded through my head that I couldn't have my hearts desire so near to being fulfilled and then lose it again it would kill me. I tried speaking, incoherent spluttering poured out of my panic frozen mouth. I was trying to tell him that the thought of owning a home with him was practically making me want to dance for joy. Daniel was having none of it however, accusing me of "taking the piss" and sassed out of the room declaring that he was having an early night, "if the bleating of the bloody sheep would let him sleep", "talk to the hand Phil, talk to the hand".
I stared at the space where my best friend had been sitting, my mouth open and my heart doing very weird things. I pushed the food aside feeling very sick, my head spinning I stretched out burying my face in the cushion which Dan had been leaning against and let out a frustrated groan. I knew it wasn't worth following hime to beg right now he was nursing his bruised pride. He might never let me bring it up again. I moaned again as I buried my face deeper into the pillow, it held his intoxicating scent and I breathed it in deep, almost unaware that my eyes appeared to be leaking... quite badly. I don't know how long I lay there clutching the cushion to me like it was the only thing in the world that mattered, I was glad it was a deep blue it would hide the shaming wet stains of my tears.
I'd started to feel cold, but couldn't help but drift into a restless fearful sleep, I seemed to be trapped somewhere frigid and barren alone, I couldn't find dan and I felt as if I was going to die, it seemed to go on for ever. I could hear shouting, and feel warmth seeping into my icy flesh. As I dragged myself from the cold hell my mind had created I realised the voice crying out in pain was me. The warmth was Dan cradling me in his lap, a blanket thrown over us muttering "its ok Philly I'm here, don't be scared, I'll always be here, I'm sorry for storming off like a primadonna, you're ok". I shivered uncontrollably at his touch. Dan seemed to be relieved I was stirring suddenly all business he said "Right Mr Lion you are going to snap out of what ever monosodium glutamate trip you're on, and tell me what the fuck is wrong. You haven't had a screamer like that since I first moved in"
He wasn't going to let me wriggle out of this one! I felt so ill, my stomach twisted as if it were trying to escape through my throat, my heart pounded I felt dizzy and faint. God I wanted so much to tell him, I wanted to shout it out almost angry at myself, at him, for not being free to just say it, just to say "I love you"... There seemed to be a palpable silence in the room as if time had stopped, Dan was very still, his hand resting on my head. "Phil are you really awake, are you talking in your sleep?". My hand flew to my mouth and my eyes flew open, did I say that aloud, I know I was still just waking from a nightmare but I didn't usually blurt out coherent sentences in my sleep, sleep walking was more my thing, with the odd surreal words thrown in here and there but nothing that could be taken in context. Dan repeated "Phil, Phil you are awake aren't you? please tell me you're not having one of your midnight ramblings". Well it was out now...sort of ..I felt my body relax into Dan's lap and I let out a deep sigh, looking up into his chestnut brown eyes.. I was about to tell Dan how I felt, for good or bad I had to.
"Dan" I began my voice quiet, uncertain but deep with emotion, as I stumbled over the next word I felt slim fingers rake through my hair sweeping my fringeto the side where it had flopped in to my eyes. Dan whispered "I know this is hard for you Phil, let me see your eyes, I want to look at you while I talk, is it ok if I say something first?". I nodded grateful of the reprieve. Typical Dan, always wanted to be in charge, but I didn't mind really I didn't, I always let him get his own way I could't help myself his happiness was my happiness.
He continued "Phil, I wanted this to be a romantic getaway. There was so much I needed to say to you, for so long; but I kept chickening out. Every time I look into those innocent beautiful big blue eyes I'm lost, and it made me so scared that I'd never see them again if I said what I want to, so scared that I've just pushed it down and acted like a prat. The buying a place suggestion was completely off the top of my head, it came to me that if we were together on a house deed then it was some kind of permanence, you couldn't just leave me and maybe things could grow deeper between us... Then you started talking about how I could move on and I assumed that you were obviously thinking that was an option for you too. Right there, that was where this thing bumping away in my chest shattered and I had to leave the room, I couldn't let you see me cry! I wouldn't" I felt something drop gently onto my hand, it looked like a tear and it wasn't mine.
"Phil, did you mean what you said or was it just some left over bit of a dream?" because if it was I've just made a right dick of myself. The whole time Dan had been talking we were drowning in one another's eyes, it felt as if electricity was coursing between us, surely he must be able to see the love in my eyes. My heart pounded faster and faster until I felt it might burst. I couldn't catch my breath my lips were on fire, tingling and aching needing his on mine right now. I wanted to tell him everything, how I felt my world was ending every time he had dated, and how I felt so bad for feeling good when it invariably ended. How he was my world and that I would never ever leave him. That we were going house hunting the very next day.
In the end all I could do was kneel in front of him take his face in my hands and draw him close, our lips brushed the merest flush of warmth making my lips darken and swell with desire, I breathed, yes, yes, yes I meant it, before pressing my lips to his. One hand gently sliding to cup the back of his head feeling the silky strands curl and weave between my fingers, the other snaking down his long body, around his waist to the curve of his back and crushing him to me. He trembled, vibrating like a taught violin string against me. I could have cried for joy feeling him return the kiss so eagerly, so sweet, his tongue gently brushing my lips begging for entrance The kiss deepened so that our tongues danced with one another exploring while our lips crushed together. His arms wrapped around me, holding me so tight, one slowly caressing up my back to bury itself in my hair. As we sank to the floor his wonderful scent enveloping me Dan whispered against my lips "I want you always Philip, I'll love you till my last breath".