Note:
This story takes place in between the Levi-centric prequel arc and the first volume of the manga. Please read Shingeki no Kyojin: Kuinaki Sentaku (Attack on Titan: A Choice Without Regrets) for explanation of the plot.
...
Chapter One
After losing Farran and Isabelle, I felt like a ghost. Nothing around me had changed, but all color was drained, all meaning faded away. I was the only thing that didn't belong, so it felt natural that I should fade away too. But somehow, the animal me that fought starvation, decay and the human evil around me for most of my life made it impossible to imagine just abandoning the struggle. Maybe humans needed struggle, some form of hardship to survive. At the same time, I thought, if it was going to make me feel like this, I didn't need to care about anyone or anything ever again.
That night, the Survey Corps made it back inside the walls to count our losses and reassess, a type of masochistic learning curve I was already familiar with. I remember getting a few looks from meddlers like Hange as I passed through the horde of faceless uniforms. Clicking the latch on my horse's gate, walking through with faintly clunking boot heels on the old wood of the hallway, removing my cloak and placing it on the hook on my door. Turning and expecting to see Farran and Isabelle waiting on the two empty beds beside my own. Actions that were familiar and meaningless had now turned hateful, just with the knowledge of not having them here with me.
So my first expedition with the Survey Corps was officially over. And here I stood, alive, to bask in that accomplishment. I'd survived, and that meant I was now one of them in their eyes. An accolade I never would have desired. And one that now seemed like a slap in the face compared to the unbearable price that I had paid for it. Here at last, alone with my thoughts, the question floated up. In a moment of emotional upheaval, I had told Erwin I would follow him. But could I really do that? Did I have any responsibility to do so? Could I bear to bless the feet of the man who orchestrated my friends' deaths?
As I thought this I heard a knock on the door behind me. It echoed through the oddly empty room and in that moment, I realized that I had probably never been more alone. While not thinking much about it, I went to open the door.
Erwin stood there staring down at me like a big, stone obelisk. I spotted another giant leaning against the corner of the door frame. Although mostly just boots, messy bangs and a goatee from this angle, and obviously trying to avoid making eye contact with me. Miké. As if trying to make his presence left obvious, the goateed giant held back his usual habit of sniffing by instead rubbing his nose awkwardly.
I looked up at the two of them from my low angle, leaning on the open door without a word spoken. I waited a little longer for Erwin to speak. He seemed to be waiting for me to do something first. Unfortunately I neither had anything to say, nor could I muster the interest to ask what he wanted. The silence continued.
Eventually, after reading some clue that I wasn't aware I'd given, Erwin turned to Miké and nodded. "You can leave us, Miké. Thank you."
Miké's wolfish eyes flicked warily over at me. Finally he sniffed. "He's not in a mood to talk, Erwin. You might as well try to comfort a brick wall."
Comfort? I thought absently.
"At best, you're wasting your time," Miké went on, now not bothering to lower his tone. "You really think he won't lash out? This criminal?"
He was asking to have his throat ripped out. My face must have been scary right then because the normally expressionless Erwin twitched an eyebrow as he glanced down at me and then back to Miké.
"I'll be fine, Miké. Thanks for worrying, as always."
Miké cast one last displeased look back at me before he finally fucked off.
"May I come in?"
My eyes turned back to the remaining blond giant in the doorway. Unsurprisingly, looking at his statuesque face gave me nothing more than it ever did. I wasn't too excited about spending time with one of the architects of my despair at this moment, but ultimately it didn't matter where he was. He was still here, and they were gone. There was no justice.
Rather than answer him, I left the door open as I returned to my normal evening chores. He never said anything. Instead, he just sat down in Farran's old chair, watching me without a word. In the end I decided to treat him like the slab of granite he was and ignore him.
After that, Erwin stayed with me. I'm sure he knew how I felt about him personally. About the role he'd played in all of this. The fact was, I wanted to see his head roll across the grass outside the walls, as Isabelle's had done. I wanted to see him resigned to death, as Farran had been. I wanted him to feel their pain and then feel nothing at all, ever again. I made no effort to hide my feelings on the matter.
In spite of that, he didn't leave my side. Eventually, as I finished my tasks and sat down, he tried to get me to drink some water. Even if it had been clean (I was suspicious), I didn't want it. After about an hour of sitting in silence, I sat up and looked him in the eye.
"I watched my mother waste away to dry bones in the Underground," I said.
Almost no reaction. He just sat there like a lump, the blond giant, his calculating eyes hiding any trace of human emotion. "I'm sorry. How did she die?"
I shrugged. "Who knows. Maybe one of the diseases she picked up from her customers. Maybe the wasting sickness everyone had down there. I remember she couldn't walk for a long while before it happened. Maybe it was just hunger. Or she just gave up, because...well what did she have to keep trying for?"
"Most parents want to keep living for their children."
Though it might sound weird, I'm sure he said that without judgment. He knew I wouldn't take offense. I genuinely didn't know. "Huh," I replied. "It doesn't matter. She died and left me. I was fine though. Because I didn't care."
I watched him coldly and tried to see any kind of salvation in those icy blue eyes, even as poisonous anger for him dripped down into my vision. I still saw nothing in his eyes so I looked at the water he'd forced into my hands.
"It's funny. I've never felt pleasure at the idea of inflicting pain before. Not that I had any problem with it," I murmured, watching the miniature ripples in the water, reflecting the sound of my voice. "But when I cut that big fucker up...the one that killed them...it was like someone let loose my chains. Didn't realize killing could feel so good. I guess that's a merit to caring."
Still, Erwin didn't seem to have any opinion about what I was saying. He stayed there listening without judgment, eventually folding his arms and lowering his gaze. I scoffed at his noncommittal response.
"Asked the wrong person, I guess," I muttered, reluctantly taking a sip of the water. I grimaced because it didn't taste as clean as I would like. "You don't look like you've ever had fun in your life, Erwin Smith."
His blue eyes remained unfocused on the ground as he considered. "It was fun training with you," he answered after a brief pause. "And I'm not sure 'fun' is the right word, but I liked chasing you, back when we first met. Got the blood flowing, didn't it?"
"Strange hobby."
Erwin watched me searchingly before leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees in thought. "You don't want to hear this now..." His piercing blue eyes flicked up at me. "...but you don't have the luxury to lose yourself, Levi. We need you."
I watched him, wondering what he wanted me to say to that. I didn't answer.
"Not just the Survey Corps. Mankind. I'm sorry, but I have to ask you to deal with your pain as quickly as possible. You can have tonight, one night, to do or say or feel whatever you like." He raised his head and the tone of his voice hardened almost imperceptibly. "Tomorrow, and from then on, I need the strongest soldier alive by my side. And I'm afraid that's all there is to it."
Interesting, I thought. He thought his words could reach me. That would be tough though, when even my own thoughts didn't seem to penetrate to my heart. I was lost at sea. No. Sunk. So far beneath the shapeless dark water that I couldn't even see daylight anymore.
"Is that right?" I asked in monotone. I pushed out a sigh, unable to care even a little bit about his perspective on the issue. "Something special about tomorrow?"
I wasn't really expecting an answer, just feeling something odd about his phrasing. Nevertheless, I got one. "Colonel Shardis will resign his post," Erwin said coolly.
I glanced up at him, mildly interested in that. I didn't have much of an opinion about Keith Shardis, other than a bit of pity that he was doing a job for which he seemed unsuited. Erwin had been using him skillfully until now to get his own way anyway, so in most respects the change would likely make no difference. Except for one: it would put big a target on Erwin Smith's back where the government was concerned. I didn't hate that.
"Huh," I eventually replied.
"He's confided to me that he'll put my name up for his replacement," Erwin continued. "I have an excellent record and an argument prepared to advocate for myself before the royal council. There is every reason the Supreme Commander and nobility should accept me. So I may be your Commander by this time tomorrow."
"Congratulations, Commander. Should I throw you a party?"
Erwin's lip tugged upward in a half smile but I saw anger just below the surface of that expression. He instantly wiped it away, like sand in the wind.
"I'm telling you this because I want you to know that loyalty to me is something I value deeply," Erwin said softly, the candlelight casting unreadable shadows over his face. I realized having his full attention was somewhat frightening. The intensity he usually concealed, like a raging river beneath the glacial flow, started to rise up in the cold blue. "I return that loyalty with trust. That's the most valuable thing I can ever give anyone, precisely because it's so hard for me to part with it. I'm giving it to you, Levi."
I just kept staring at the water in my hands, far away now. What was he saying? I was having trouble connecting all his words, would have done even if he wasn't being irritatingly vague. Even words hanging in the air turned gray and lost their meaning before they reached me, just like the ripples fading from the surface of the water.
"Levi..."
I heard him say my name. It didn't mean anything, so I let it hang. I sensed him watching me, lips parted and a trace of human emotion flickering across his stoic face. But whatever emotion it was faded before I could grasp it, so it was much the same as it never happening at all. He glanced away and I felt something change in him in that moment. He straightened his back and all traces of compassion vanished.
"I'm sorry," he murmured coldly.
I blinked at that. I glanced up at him. "You're sorry?" I demanded softly. I'm not sure he sensed the danger rising as I continued in an undertone, "Interesting. What for? Specifically."
I expected an apology for pushing me too hard. In my experience, players like Erwin Smith always knew when to push and when to back off. I wouldn't argue this was a time to back off. Cajole me and comfort me a bit more before manipulating me into going his way. I wouldn't resent it if done eloquently. I knew I didn't have brains for using people like that and respected people who could. A survival instinct: always know who the big dogs are, the ones you can't cross. Intellectually speaking, that's what Erwin was.
So he should have been able to tell, he'd get no more positive movement from me for a while. Not when the only thing keeping me from sinking into pitch darkness was the pleasant thought of watching his life drain away before my eyes. Now, logically, a player like him should read the mood and back off. And yet...
"I'll say this clearly and without any attempt to shift blame," he said in an even tone. "It's my fault they're dead."
Ice shattered through my veins. The water rippled and threatened to spill as my hands tightened on the cup. The rage seeped into my blood like a drug as images blended together with horror and lingering shock. Farran's torso spilling out of that titan's gut. The resigned look on his face. Isabella's severed head lying in the grass, all that joy and brightness she gave to us faded forever. Only soft sadness left behind to mark their sweetness, already spilled and sinking into the grass and mud. Then gone forever. Over and over the shock of it flashing in my mind tore away my sanity. The world before my eyes was quickly staining from gray to noxious red.
"I didn't want them to die," Erwin continued, still without a hint of compassion in his tone. I barely heard him. "I didn't request them on this mission. But the fact remains, if I had never dragged you into the Survey Corps, they never would have been out there in the first place. I knew they wouldn't survive, not even one mission. I made the choice to let them die, if necessary, to get you here."
"What are you trying to do?" I whispered.
"I'm only voicing what your eyes are saying. I thought you could do with hearing it out loud. It's the truth, but no one but me will ever acknowledge it. Even I won't, after today."
"And what do you expect me to do now that I've heard it?" I growled. It was a good idea to put water in my hands. They ached for the knife hidden in my boot. If he said one more word about my friends, I decided right then I'd cut his throat.
He watched me impassively for a moment. "Try to kill me, perhaps."
I closed my eyes and nodded. "Let's take the 'perhaps' out of the equation."
I threw the water straight at him and my hand dove for my knife. The distraction of the water was enough for me to tackle him, chair and all to the ground with a loud crash. I froze, my knife high over his chest. But my black eyes met his cold blue ones for a fraction of a second. I saw the danger there and I hesitated.
He'll kill me, I realized. My self-protection instincts kicked in and I couldn't move.
In that moment of hesitation, Erwin grabbed my wrist, unbalanced me and slammed me on my back into the floor. I winced but immediately snarled up at him as he loomed over me.
I realized the expression on his face had never changed. He continued staring coldly down at me, and I almost started to feel judged by those emotionless eyes. But perhaps I was starting to get used to this man's face because just for a moment, I thought I saw something else. Anger. And somehow...compassion.
"How long would they have survived in the Underground?" he asked softly.
My eyes widened. I couldn't think clearly through the rage pounding in my blood. I shifted the grip on my knife. With him pinning me I couldn't manage much force or angle, but I cut just a little into his forearm as he pinned me there. The small red flower bloomed over his white shirt sleeve. He didn't even flinch.
"No," he corrected himself after a moment of thought. "Never mind the Underground. Say your plan had succeeded," he continued in the same soft, emotionless baritone. "Say your perfidious employer in the Diet had kept his promise and given you permission to live in the interior. Have you thought about what that life would have been like?"
While knowing I could not escape the iron grip and the nearly double my own weight hanging over me, I writhed on the floor like a wild animal. I kicked dents in the wood beneath us with my boot heels. I tore Erwin's shirt sleeve further with the knife. I could think of nothing but letting out my rage. I wanted to see him in pain. I didn't want to hear what he had to say...especially if it were true.
"You think the three of you would have melded seamlessly into the nobility? You think they would have welcomed your presence?" His eyes narrowed. "Or even tolerated it? Yes, let's say that even by some miracle Diet Member Loboff had kept his promise and moved the three of you into the interior when your mission to kill me was complete. Did you really think for one moment that they would have ever let you stay?"
I gritted my teeth and glared at him. I didn't want to hear it. What did it matter now? What good would it do to wonder? But his words echoed through me and my own pain briefly eclipsed the rage. I couldn't leave it there, couldn't let him be right.
I turned away from him. "Not me," I hissed.
"Not you?" he repeated, mocking me by treating me like a child. He considered before nodding slightly. "I see. Somehow you thought you could protect them if you separated yourself from them. "
"Shut up."
"You've probably protected them many times up until now. Staining your own hands to keep them clean-"
I was so angry I could have torn his skin off with my bare hands if they'd been free. "I told you to shut your mouth," I hissed.
"-no matter how dirty they seemed to the world..." he said at last. "To you, they were pure. I don't blame you. Everyone has something sacred to them, something they'd walk through fire to protect. You truly loved them, didn't you?"
My rage drained away as a new emotion sank in, one I was not used to. My eyes stung and my vision started to get blurry. Never having cried before that I could remember, I didn't know that's what it felt like. My hand trembled as it gripped the knife and I felt the strength in my muscles draining away.
"Don't talk...about them," I muttered.
The compassion had returned to Erwin's stoic face, flickering just beneath the frozen mask. Slowly, he released his grip on my hands and got to his feet. He stood over me for a moment as I lay there, limp and drained on the ground. I still held the knife in one hand but couldn't do anything with it now. For that moment, the loss of my friends hurt so much I couldn't even move.
"They kept your heart pure," Erwin murmured. "It didn't matter how deeply you wounded or sullied yourself for them." His cold eyes searched mine with simple, unemotional curiosity. "Would you have preferred it the other way? If you could have died to save them. Would you have died if it meant keeping them alive?"
My eyes were stinging and my body hurt too much to move. I thought of what I would have done, if I could, to save them. And then I felt a wave of sickness as I realized the truth.
"...No..."
I quickly rolled onto hands and knees and clapped a hand over my mouth. I arched my back to fight the sickness rising up in my throat. Erwin knelt beside me but didn't touch me as I gasped, collapsing with my head on the floor.
"Don't hold back," Erwin murmured. "You won't have another chance, so let it out now."
A strange noise rose like a dying animal rose from my throat as I clenched my fists and ached there on the ground.
"I...loved them," I gasped. More warmth streaked down my cheeks and droplets fell to the floor before my eyes, some dripping on my hands. Disgusting. "I loved them. More than anything. I would have done anything to keep them safe. Any amount of pain or sacrifice." I starred at the floor with blurred vision as a mysterious calm fell over me. I couldn't stop the truth from flowing out of me now. "But...I wouldn't die. What do you think about that? What kind of...monster would say that? Huh?"
Strangely, saying it out loud was somewhat of a relief, even though it meant admitting to something that terrified me: that I had never been human at all. When I compared myself to others, my insides were all black and vile. A monster. A creature far too corrupt and inhuman to live.
At that moment I lost my fight and threw up. I had hardly anything in my stomach so, after the water and a bit of bitterly sour bile, I fell into dry heaving. Still, self-disgust washed over me along with the shame of saying aloud what I'd always known about myself. Monster. I wanted to throw up more, get all the poison out of me. But it was useless. It had sunk too deep and now I was more poison than man. What kind of world would permit a creature like that to live?
Erwin paused for a moment before I felt him touch my chin to turn my face toward him. Without a change in his expression, he used a handkerchief to dab my mouth. He got up and left for a while. He came back with a towel and bucket of soapy water. After cleaning the small amount of vomit, he left again to throw out the dirty water and wash his hands. He returned and knelt nearby.
"What kind of monster?" came Erwin's soft voice.
Reluctantly, and with difficulty as I knelt there trembling on the floor, I looked up at him. I saw no disgust in his calculating blue eyes. No judgment or censure. In fact, I almost thought he looked at me with a true admiration like I'd never felt from anyone before, untarnished by fear or disgust. As if he didn't see a monster. Or perhaps he saw the beast in me as a fellow kind to the darkness inside him.
"I don't know," he admitted. "But whatever you are, Levi, I need you. I don't have any proof, but I'm sure I won't get far without you beside me. If your life has made you into a monster, then I'll gladly pray to whatever dark god of the Underground made you so."
A tiny burst of warmth like an opening flower bloomed in my chest. What was this feeling? A streak of warmth dripped down my cheek along with disbelief with what I was hearing. It almost sounded like it was all right for me to keep living in this world as I was, beastly and corrupted. I looked down at the floor as my vision blurred again and hot droplets fell over my hands. I sank down and, for the first time in my memory, uttered a sob. As soon as I had, more followed and I began to shake as tears and sobs poured out of me, quietly but so intensely that I felt my whole body burning, almost as if cleansing itself of poison.
As if he had been holding back, Erwin gathered me up in his arms and held me tight against his chest. Though I am ashamed to admit it, I clung to him. Really I had little choice. My body was still shaking so violently I was likely to do myself injury otherwise. I never have and never will open my heart to someone like I did then, not ever again. Only Erwin. I whimpered like a child in his arms.
It felt natural as Erwin reached up his large hand and gently stroked my hair. Letting out this weakness was addicting and I briefly feared I would break completely. The fear made me cling to him tighter and cry loudly. But as my struggling intensified, he clasped his hands around my face and pulled me up to his level. He kissed my forehead as if to soothe me, a kindness totally foreign to me. I whimpered and he pulled me close again, this time kissing my cheek. Amid this comforting it was quite natural as he kissed my lips, then drew my face close to his own, kissed my hair and nuzzled it as one beast would another. I felt my fingers tightening the coarse fabric of his uniform jacket.
After a warm moment like this, he stole a kiss from me again. I was a bit overwhelmed and honestly would have clung to any sort of comfort. The warmth of his lips was exactly what I needed.
At first, each brushing kiss was gentle. We were simple beasts licking each others' wounds. Once or twice, his cold blue eyes met mine searchingly. I realized he was hesitant to continue. Was he worried he'd hurt me? Or that I'd hurt him? Well a little hurt was nothing. Without it, life would be missing its most vibrant hues.
While not quite sure enough myself to take the initiative, I didn't fight as he tugged loose my cravat then slowly traced his fingers from the nape of my neck and down my collar bone to slip the deep green of the Wings of Freedom from my shoulders. He held my gaze for a moment as he gently pulled my cravat out and let it flutter to the ground between us.
If it had been any other time, I would have cut him up for that, sullying one of the few material possessions that I coveted. Instead, though still not sure of what I wanted enough to be able to ask for it, I instinctively tilted my head just a little, exposing my neck. I softly brushed my hair against his chest and closed my eyes, just sharing his heat. Something about this simple gesture lit a fire in him because moments later, he grasped my face in both hands and demanded a harsh kiss.
Heat rushed through my body, momentarily washing away all the pain. I gasped and clung tighter to it, parting my lips to let his tongue entwine with mine. Though I knew even as I succumbed to this heat and pleasure that it was only temporary, I couldn't stop. My cock ached for stimulation and I unconsciously brushed my hips against his stomach. His arms wrapped around me from behind, pulling me closer still.
Stop, I told myself. He admitted it himself. It's his fault they're dead. He let them die.
Erwin's hand plunged down and squeezed my ass. I gasped, shuddering at the sensations washing over me.
He's playing you. You know he's capable of that. He let two people die just to get you on his side. Don't give in.
Erwin roughly grasped my face, turning it away from him and sucked down on my neck, claiming me. I moaned out loud, digging my fingers into his jacket. He held me so tight it hurt, and I realized he could easily break me. I'd kill him first of course, but the feeling of being so overwhelmed by someone else's power was darkly exciting. He kissed a trail down my neck and started unbuttoning my shirt, at the same time unbuckling one of the many straps of my gear. His cold blue eyes met mine for an instant.
He'll destroy you.
Erwin's hands dove inside my shirt, caressing and easily wrapping around my chest and back. He lifted me slightly and sucked down hard on one of my nipples. I cried out, unconsciously scratching the back of his neck with my fingernails. Coherent thoughts flew away on the wind and my head was filled only with heat and desire. I don't remember my cock ever aching so badly before. I wanted to cum.
"Levi..." Erwin murmured my name against my chest.
I shivered, arching my back and biting the inside of my lip.
"This body that moves so effortlessly...more beautiful than anyone. I've wanted to touch it since I first saw you in the Underground."
I twitched and rested my head against his, nuzzling his blond hair and breathing his scent. His scent was half impeccable soap and half feral beast. I knew I shouldn't trust his words, the words of a wolf who would easily deceive and devour me, but I was lost to the feelings he gave me.
"Levi..." He kissed my chest. "Levi..." He grasped me around the waist, laying me back on the floor. He kissed further down my chest toward my stomach as he pushed me down.
"Nh..." I moaned, turning away as his hands slowly roamed up my legs.
Suddenly, a vivid picture of Isabella's face as she cried out for me, moments before that titan bit her head off, entered my mind. My eyes shot open.
Reflexively, I kicked Erwin in the stomach. He fell back and landed hard on the floor. He coughed, wincing in pain, but moments later looked up at me with confusion. As I looked at him lying there, in another part of my mind I was pulling Farran's lifeless torso out of the titan's gut. He'd looked so peaceful. It made me sick.
I was on my feet. I didn't remember getting up. Farran's chair was behind me, tipped over on the floor, the after echo of a loud noise hanging in the air. My breath was strained; I couldn't feel the air sinking into my chest, any more than I could feel the moisture on my lips or the darkness outside, because I wasn't fully there. I was looking down at Erwin, lying on the floor beneath me, as helpless as I had ever seen him. But I didn't really see him. I had my weight on one leg. The other was slowly rising, hovering and ready to kick again.
"Levi...?"
I'm sure he said my name more than once, but I didn't hear. I was still kneeling on that misty field, bathed in titan blood. I told myself I didn't miss them. What good would it do me to miss them? Erwin hadn't killed them. He wasn't even directly responsible for their deaths. That was Diet Member Loboff, that fat pig in the interior who hired us. He was the one I should be angry at. Then again...
Loboff wasn't the one who shoved my face in mud when we first met. He wasn't the one who toyed with people's lives, my friends' lives, like they were pieces on a game board. He wasn't the one who threatened my friends and forced me into this wretched line of work, much though it had now given me new purpose. But what was purpose? Life was about who you shared it with. Did I want to share whatever short time was left to me with this cold monster on the floor before me? A monster so like myself?
"Levi."
Erwin's voice was sharp that time. I blinked slowly. Gradually, time sank back into place and my thoughts returned to where I was. My foot was still raised, ready to kick Erwin's chest in, but I could sense it was pointless. Erwin's mask was utterly torn away. There was no mercy in those cold, blue eyes now. Only the monster inside looked back at me. If I was really contemplating what I think I was, then I had missed my chance. I lowered my leg to the floor.
"Take two steps back."
The hatred was still summering. I watched Erwin and thought about many ways of spilling his blood. "Is that an order?" I murmured.
"Yes."
I slowly lifted one foot, placed it on the ground behind me. I hesitated here, thinking of crushing Erwin's larynx and watching him choke. I lifted the other foot, placed it behind me. At length, I brought both feet together. That moment, I felt the tension start to ease from my body.
As soon as it did, I felt myself losing the strength to stand. I stumbled to the desk in the corner and leaned against it, shaking. My head was still falling back in place and I couldn't do any more than that for the moment.
Erwin got to his feet and brushed himself off. If we had been in the Underground, the proper response for a leader so disrespected would be for him to beat the shit out of me. Or take a finger, a tooth or an ear for his trouble. Or just kill me. It wasn't his style, but I wouldn't blame him, because that was the rule of dominance. Though still shaking and leaning against the desk, I straightened my back. With one hand I fixed my cravat, which had gone askew, wondering if I should remove it altogether. Unlike titan blood, human blood stains were a pain in the ass to get out.
Erwin took a step toward me. He raised a hand and I tightened my jaw in anticipation.
The back of Erwin's hand pressed lightly against my forehead. I frowned up at him, not sure what he was trying to do.
"You're very warm. I think you need some rest." He lowered his hand and much though he was looking right at me, I might as well have been facing a brick wall. There was nothing at all in his eyes. "We can't have you pushing yourself too hard," he said with surprising gentleness.
I stared at him. What was he thinking? I mean, what the hell was he thinking?! I hated the bastard Miké just as much - if not more - than Erwin, but I found myself wishing he'd been there. I needed a translator.
"What are you trying to do? Erwin," I growled.
His face still gave away nothing. He calmly straightened his bolo tie, which had become even more uneven after I kicked him.
"What I always do," he answered softly. "Protect the human race." His brows twitched together and I flinched, expecting the storm to finally arrive. But in the end, it was only a rumble. "Whatever happens, Levi, I won't let you go. Kick and bite as you will. If you ever think of leaving the Survey Corps, I'd sooner see you dead."
My heart fled up into my throat. I stared up at this blond giant in real fear, something that had become an almost foreign sensation to me. But my toughened heart that effortlessly braved titans quailed before the threat of Erwin Smith. I clenched my fists against the oak, a vain effort to stop them trembling.
Erwin's face softened and for an instant, only a split second, I saw softness and humanity flicker across his expression. "But please don't die on your own. I don't think I could bear that."
After a long, tense moment of watching each other, me with my own pulse still raging in my ears, he placed a hand on my shoulder. I flinched, but he paid no mind. He smiled a vacant smile to me just once before leaving.
"Goodnight, Levi. Try to get some rest, and I'll see you at the morning meeting tomorrow."
He closed the door. I stood there in total stillness as the fight or flight response gradually left me. Suddenly, I gasped for the lung-full of air I'd been unconsciously holding back from taking. I clapped a hand on a nearby pillar and tried to normalize my breathing, hoping not to wake any of the other Survey Corps grunts currently asleep in the bunks around me.
I stared into space, trying to sort out everything that had just happened. Eventually, as I finally took a calm, deep breath and looked out on the gathering dawn through the window, I realized two things. First, Erwin Smith was every bit the monster that I took him for, and if I underestimated him, I would die. Second, that I was a much weaker and more sentimental man than I thought. As much as I knew how pointless it was to regret, and prided myself on being someone who could move on from any loss, the fact was that my hatred of Erwin Smith ran deep. I became philosophical as I moved on shaking legs to sit down on my bunk. Funny, I thought, how hatred stirred so much excitement in me.
...
Erwin strode down the hall, returning to his own chamber. He should not have been surprised to see his faithful dog waiting for him outside his office. Miké sniffed as he arrived.
"Morning," he said anticlimactically.
"Good morning," Erwin replied.
Erwin entered his office and left the door for Miké to follow. The giant observed Erwin's manner before deciding to enter after him.
"Are you satisfied?" asked Miké, folding his arms and leaning on the door. "It's like I said, right? He's just a weapon. It's okay to use him as one."
Erwin smirked. "I think that's a tad harsh, Miké."
Miké frowned down at his friend. "You must know, Erwin. He'll only drag you down with him."
"Down? Interesting," Erwin muttered absently as he began to arrange papers on his desk for the next day. "Whenever I see him, I think we must all aspire to live as he does, resilient and unfettered. To me he seems on a much higher plane than most."
Miké's frown sharpened before he shook his head with a sigh. "I don't get it. You don't have whims. What's this really about? Why go so far for a nobody like that?"
"I'm not lying when I tell you I think he can save us, Miké. He's no magic bullet, but we still can't go without him." Miké opened his mouth to protest but at that moment Erwin continued, "But, at the same time...I suppose we all have things we'll do anything to protect. Honestly, I don't want to part with his presence here."
Erwin smiled up at Miké unreadably and continued quietly, "If that answer doesn't satisfy you, I don't know what to tell you Miké. But as always, I appreciate your concern."
Miké thought about how he could possibly convey the danger to his friend. In the end, though, he knew it would make no difference. Erwin had made up his mind. Levi, that murdering psychopath from the Underground, was going to be taking up space here a while longer.
Miké sighed. He turned and opened the door to leave. As he left he cast over his shoulder, "Don't come crying to me when that little runt murders you in your sleep."
"I'll do my best," Erwin replied.