Emptiness.
The moment you have walked out of my life forever you have left me empty and exposed to my own demons.
It is like we would already be oceans apart though only a few miles are separating us.
Funny isn't it?
So close, sometimes I even imagine your face on a bus or on a train when I travel and the moment squeezes my heart with such a force that I can feel my heartbeat stop. It always takes a moment to realize that my mind is only playing games with me.
How cruel these games are…
I never hear your voice, nobody can sound half the way you did when you spoke.
Lucky for me, I would surely go mad if I turned not finding you there.
The years we have spent together are the most beautiful and in the same time the most heart wrecking time of my life.
No one can erase my memories, though some are very painful, nobody can take the little part of you away from me that was mine and will be mine forever.
Forgive me for being so week… I know you would not deny this solace since you have left nothing else for me to hold.
I cling desperately to your image, your voice, your scent, the single frown of your forehead like they were some divine manifestations, though I am not religious at all.
Sometimes I find myself laughing at our private jokes like you were still with me to share them, and sometimes I start crying without any obvious reason.
It's hard...
I know it is better this way. Love does not conquer it all; we are the best examples for that. We have needed each other in every way and still neither of us was willing to give in.
What fools the two of us are.
I could say that I wanted to go back in time to make everything right between us, but that would be a lie. If I changed even a little bit of our past I would run in danger of loosing the little time I was given with you.
We have made too many mistakes…
We had no time to settle in the routine of every day life. You constantly on the way, me being locked within my own self pity unable to let go. You were patient, but I did not have the nerve to find my courage. I chose the comfortable way instead of trying the road not taken.
Do not blame yourself.
Even if you might have reached out for me I might have pushed your helping hand away.
We are responsible for our decisions and we should have the gut to admit to ourselves when we are wrong.
The day we parted was almost as natural as the day we met. It had to happen, it had a reason for me and you to meet even if it is beyond us now.
I could not tell whether I left or whether you have been the one closing the door.
It does not matter anymore…
It is history…
I am trying to find my way back to life when I realize that I have no life without you. I never had…
Forgive me for being sentimental, I am probably getting old.
I have such an immense desire to see you again even only for the break of a moment.
I guess that is too much to ask for. I probably do not deserve it.
I hope that time and again you think of me, think of me without regrets.
Hopefully the day will come when neither of us will be looking back in anger. We should not allow us the comfort of anger, we should be grateful for the chance of having each other even if we failed to measure up to it.
Often the future seems senseless ever since you have gone.
I try to think about you, remember that you have seen strength in me I can carry on with. I just feel unable to find that strength myself…